This is a cat's tale about the original bathing techniques used by a group of people who refer to themselves as cat owners. For years, cats have allowed those people to consider themselves as 'a cat owner' even though every cat knows that it is the cat who actually rules. Enforced bathing is one of the worst things that could happen during any one of the nine lives that cats are said to have.

Herein; true tales from several cat's perspectives; about bathing and how pet 'owners' need to find far more original techniques when cleaning an allegedly grubby moggy. These tales contain disturbing images and as such; it is therefore not advisable to expose pets to this content.

From any cat's point of view; the process of bathing is one that is completely unnecessary and no owner should consider it their right to treat their cat so harshly; merely because that owner enjoys feeding their feline companion. I have interviewed several cats during the course of researching the material within and not surprisingly the majority of those interviewed agreed that they Hate Bathing!

From those cats interviewed; 100% of them considered enforced bathing as a complete abuse of trust, love and all the proud stuff that makes a cat act like a cat. Most agreed that their owners had deliberately lied to them on the pretence that a mouse had just disappeared down the plughole, or that bathing was going to hurt the owner, more than the cat. Most cats that participated in this survey; asked that they were given fair representation, anonymity and were able to have their individual acts of revenge factually recorded. Most names used are fictitious.

The first cat featured is Tom; who explained that he was now suffering from post dramatic stress disorder. He also felt that his personality had been split to the point that the word 'bath' sent him into uncontrollable shaking and (he asked me not to say) incontinence! In fairness to him (and for the sake of a story) I assured him that I would report it as I saw it. Several cats interviewed asked that the writer, as feline advocate; report their respective owners to the S.P.C.A. to have them tried and punished for a wide range of bathing crimes against pussydom. All cats gave evidence willingly and without duress or as a result of financial or edible inducement. Interpreter: Tom Cat. Roaming Pet Reporter: Pearldiver.

My second example of original bathing techniques involves the pet owner hobbling her pet with the Yipee-Ky-Ya knee hold. Albert (the cat) reported that this method is always used by his owner and is usually applied after his owner has 'scruffed' him by the neck. He felt as though his owner gained considerable pleasure and a sense of power, from then lowering Albert into cold water in such a way that his private bits were dunked; making his landing gear retract unnaturally!

Albert was by far; the most resourceful cat interviewed. On the last occassion after he was unceremoniously scruffed, dunked and Yipee-Ky-Ya-ed, he managed to cling to the taps for an entire hour. "I showed her!" he stated, but then added that during all the time he was hanging on for grim death; the water got really cold. His owner scruffed him again with her free hand and then completely dunked Albert's front half. A visible shiver came over poor Albert as he recounted his experiences. This was replaced with a beaming smirk as he told me of the revenge mission he went on after each bathing session. Apparently, Albert's owner is very partial to muesli.

I was met by a very distressed young cat called Blimp when the door opened on the day of her interview. She was concerned that her friends would find out about the abusive treatment she was exposed to on a weekly basis, from her elderly owner. After thirty minutes of serious purring from Tom; she relaxed enough to tell us her scary tale.

Blimp explained that her owner was in her late eighties and although she often forgot to feed her; never forgot the punishment day. Every Friday morning at 9.30am, her owner religiously filled the bathroom basin with warm water and 'bubblebath' solution. Blimp knew that running away was fruitless; as the old girl merely chased her with the vacuum cleaner and sucked her up in the tube. Each time that happened, her owner then dragged the vacuum cleaner into the bathroom, held the tube over the handbasin and flicked the vacuum cleaner onto blow mode; splashing Blimp into the mass of wet bubbles that went up her nose.

What followed next was that Blimp was scrubbed from backside to breakfast with a hard bristled pink toothbrush for fifteen minutes. A toothbrush!! Not just any toothbrush, no; it was the old girl's own denture brush, which was also regularly used to remove grunge from the shower box. Then Blimp was picked up by her ears and plonked onto the side of the handbasin, while another plunge pool was prepared for the rinse cycle. Next came five minutes of what her owner called auto dry; but was in reality; a spin dry in the clothes dryer.

This was horrible stuff; so much so that early the next morning Tom and I called back to Blimp's place and convinced her to leave with us. We had found her a foster home. Before Blimp left the house for the last time, she asked Tom if he could help her leave a parting message for the sleeping ex-owner. Back in the car the cats told me what they had done. The old girl had been flat on her back asleep and snoring. Beside her bed was a glass of water, with her false teeth in it; so Blimp put the teeth in the microwave and turned it on high for twenty minutes before leaving. "Thank you guys," said Blimp. "Hey no cat should be abused!" said Tom. Looking back, smoke filled the valley.

Our original bathing techniques survey would not be complete without a typical Bumble Town moggy. Oscar, as with many of the Bumble Town cats; is semi feral and as such; gets pretty grubby in his day to day adventures. To have any sort of social life in Bumble Town; Oscar had to adopt a semi feral lifestyle while also giving his owner the appearance that he is the main man (cat) about the house. He spends a lot of his time tagging the empty buildings in town, scavenging rubbish bins and hunting water rats along the banks of Blackwater Stream. After such a hard day a the office, Oscar always comes home via the dump and no doubt picks up a few hitchhikers in his tabby coat. He said he doesn't mind being flea bitten; as he reckons being henpecked by his owner is much worse.

Bath day for Oscar only happens about twice a year and only after his owner complains to him about the itchy red bite spots that cover her legs. Oscar sleeps on her bed and enjoys marking the whole house if ever he gets growled at. He gets away with everything he says, by just staring at his owner, whom he knows loves him most of the time. Oscar's owner doesn't really bath him; more like a dip actually. She fills the sink with warm water and then pours in a bottle of what he says is flea jumper. He says he doesn't mind the 'bath' but hates the jumping fleas that safely bounce around in his ears; because he can't use his paws which are held by his owner. He sits in the sink for fifteen minutes looking pleadingly at his owner to scratch his ears. Relief comes from being towel dried and later some vigorous scratching. Oscar asked if we could ask his owner to give him fish meals.

One of the hardest cats to interview was Noodle, as it was so hard to keep a straight face while he explained the bathing techniques employed by his owner. A jet black elongated little fellow, obviously named after his shape; Noodle also had a stutter that he eventually explained; came from his complete fear of cold water. His owner bathed him every week, by holding him in one hand and using a handheld shower with the other. At first the water is warm, but then he is shampooed all over and rinsed off with c-c-cold water. He said he doesn't struggle because he is just a small cat and the hand that holds him is so big.

Noodle clearly has a confidence problem and seems to feel that he would be alright; if only his owner could be trained to not use cold water when he bathed Noodle. He claims that he gets stressed out for two days before bath day and shivers for two days after. Other than bath day his owner treats Noodle pretty well, including giving him good meals, lots of toys and even his own pillow.

We felt the best way to train his owner was to turn off the hot water when he was in the shower himself. A week after we had interviewed Noodle; when his owner came home from work, jumped in the shower and shampooed his hair; Noodle turned on all the hot water taps in the kitchen and laundry. His owner apparently cried out in shook; but realised how Noodle must have felt each bath day. From that day onwards, Noodle reports that he now gets warm showers and doesn't st-st-stutter anymore. So it seems there are some great well trained owners.

Yet another mutinous cat to voice his opinion was Splat; no false name for him either. He explained his owner had told him that his name meant 'my best mate!' "Umm.." I thought, "This will be good!" And I wasn't wrong! Splat really hates his bath day; so much so, that he always runs away in the hope that he will avoid the inevitable. He said that he often hides out for hours and then when the boss has gone to sleep, sneaks through the cat door to quickly gobble down the snack that is always on his blue plastic plate. He knows that he needs to sleep with one eye open, in case the boss catches him before he can escape again. He thinks it is a good plan and he boasts that when it comes to it; he's a smart cat!

So does he actually get bathed and when did it last happen? "Last week he got me!" said Splat. "But he was lucky because I had dozed off, while using his pillowslip as a hammock. How was I supposed to know that he would bring the washing in early? Anyway, it took him thirteen days to catch me." And what happened next I wondered? Splat explained that his owner always used the hose on him. The hose was permanently stuck through the bathroom window and on bath day, Splat got dropped into the bath; his owner then left the bathroom; shut the door, turned on the hose and then came back to the bathroom to spray Splat.

After a vigorous hosing Splat was left sprawled out in the bath to drip dry.  His owner told him that he felt it was important time; just enough for Splat to consider whether he really was the smarter of the two.  Splat was also told to wipe the bath dry before he was allowed out of it.  Our time with Splat was cut short on the day we interviewed him; as we spoke a purple bath towel enveloped him and lifted him off the sofa.  "Surprise Splat...... it's bath day!" said his smart owner.

Well... I've got to say that I've met some pretty cool cats in my life; but Chloe takes the cake! As far as she's concerned the world and her 'owner' is her oyster. She lives up to her name in ever respect; insisting that we interviewed her at her favourite place; the hairdressing studio. When I say 'we' I really mean 'me' as Tom was specifically asked not to enter the premises on account of his bent tail and smell.

Chloe can only be described as the new breed of designer cat; who clearly feels she has an image and reputation to uphold. Today she was here for not only a shampoo, style, cut and dry; but also a whisker tint and clawsicure. She just had to tell me that at the end of her pampering session; due to the season, she would be leaving with a Louis Vitton cashmere wrap. Was she putting it all on the card? I asked. "Oh no, I wouldn't think of such an extravagance; that's precisely what my 'owners' are for!" Chloe also insisted that we use her real name; she told me that her leather tote bag was named after her and that anyone who was anyone knew that! Oh Ok, should I also step outside too? I thought.

"Now what magazine did you say you were featuring me in?" she asked. "And, by the way, you do realise I only accept a minimum of 40% of all advertising income, don't you?" After the brief encounter; I happily joined Tom on the outside. Shaking my head and smiling; I thanked my lucky stars that Chloe the cool designer cat; was not mine.

Perhaps you have noticed that there are a lot of cats in your neighbourhood just sitting around meowing at each other? Until I had spent time interviewing other cats with Tom, I used to think that they were sizing each other up for a fight. If you stand back and just watch this group; you will notice that it really is a group discussion about owners and the techniques that they adopt when bathing their pets. And if a motley black and white moggy with a bent tail seems to be doing all the howling; you can bet that it is Tom. He is no longer suffering from a split personality, having realised that others are less fortunate than himself. In his own dramatic way, Tom will always have something to say about how much he hates bath day. "Owwww.....owwwww.....oww!"

© Copyright  2009 Pearldiver nzpol with all rights reserved.  Do not copy, reproduce or download this work without the express written approval of the author.