The Morning Conversations of Barack and Michelle Obama #27

A fictional (and satirical) account of the private morning conversations of Barack & Michelle Obama by Dexter Yarbrough. Number 27 in the series.

Barack: (In the White House kitchen making sure preparations for his breakfast with Herman Cain are in order) Good morning, Michelle.

Michelle: Barack! Is there something going on today that I should know about?

Barack: Yep. Sorry. I got in late. I invited Herman Cain here for breakfast.

Michelle: Oh? And when were you going to tell your wife about this?

Barack: I'm sorry! it was a last minute thing. But I need to talk with him about his campaign.

Michelle: Oh, so you're getting nervous, huh?

Barack: His wife is coming as well and I would like you to be on your best behavior.

Michelle: (Hands on hips, rolling eyes and neck) Negro have you lost your mind? I am always on my best behavior!

Barack: Sometimes that south side of Chicago attitude comes out of you!

Michelle: I am the First Lady of these United States! I know how to act! (sticking her tongue out at Barack)

Barack: I decided to have a private breakfast meeting with him, Michelle. It's not that I'm nervous. I just want to get to know him better. See how he thinks, you know?

Michelle: Whatever, Barack!

*(Staff member enters the room)

Staff Member: Good morning Mr. President, Mrs. Obama. Mr. Cain and his wife have been on a tour of the White House as you requested. They are waiting in the Green Room.

Barack: Great. Thanks. Please escort them to the State Dining Room. We will have our breakfast there.

Staff Member: Yes, Mr. President.

Michelle: Hey, Barack?

Barack: Yeah?

Michelle: Maybe if you flap those big ears of yours open enough, you'll learn something!

Barack: You're just mad because your friend Leroy hooked me up with some good jokes a few weeks ago.

Michelle: When I catch up to Leroy, I'm going to body slam him!

*(Barack and Michelle meet the Cain's in the State Dining Room)

Barack: Herman, good to see you again. Mrs. Cain, it is a pleasure to meet you. My wife, Michelle.

Mrs. Cain: It is a pleasure to meet you, Mr. President. And Mrs. Obama, it is so nice of you to have us here.

Michelle: (Thinking to herself - "this shit wasn't my idea. It was that caramel-colored husband of mine") Yes, Mrs. Cain! Barack and I are so happy you could make it!

Herman: It is a pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Obama!

Michelle: I have an idea. Mrs. Cain, why don't we let our husbands meet and you and I check out more of the White House?

Mrs. Cain: That would be wonderful. Thank You!

*(Michelle and Mrs. Cain leave the State Dining Room)

Barack: Well, I took the liberty of having our special chef make us pancakes and scrambled eggs with turkey sausage.

Herman: Sounds fine! Everything looks good.

Barack: Dig in!

Herman: So, Mr. President. Why am I here? I am not dropping out of the race. In a year or so, I plan on inviting you back here - as a guest!

Barack: Ha ha ha! Herman, if you become the Republican nominee not only will history be made but the racists will come out of the closet. We will be attacked and ugly people will have caricatures of our faces on monkeys. I don't want my daughters exposed to that.

Herman: I hate to tell you, Mr. President, that kind of crap is already on the Internet. We can't control the actions of idiots. And as a black man, you know that people will lie on us, betray us, write untrue and ugly things about us - even when we are well educated and successful - just because of our skin color. But at least we have the opportunity to make change, huh?

Barack: What do you think you can do Herman? You Republicans are out of touch with reality!

Herman: Oh, and the Democrats are much better? Look around, Mr. President. The country is falling apart.

Barack: We have made great strides! And do you really think the Republicans are going to make you the nominee - two black men vying for the presidency and no white man to vote for? Right!

Herman: I think this country has come further than you think, Mr. President. Black people certainly haven't done well with the Democrats in office.

Barack: You have lost touch with reality, Herman.

Herman: Mr. President. Don't get me wrong. I am no Uncle Tom. Black Americans have made great accomplishments. Just think, a black man has entered the Oval Office - and several of the Kardashians!

Barack: (laughs hysterically) Ha ha ha!

Herman: Ha ha ha! But seriously, black unemployment is 17%, white unemployment is 8%.

Barack: (still laughing)

Herman: The median wealth of white households is 20 times that of black households.

Barack: My administration is working on these issues. The Republicans are balking at my jobs bill.

Herman: So are some of the Democrats, Mr. President. Come on! Thirty-nine percent of black children live in poverty - and the rest with Angelina Jolie!

Barack: (laughs hysterically)

Herman: So, Mr. President, I believe that I can bring real change.

Barack: You know, if it comes to it, I am going to come after you during the race. Even if I have to talk about yo' momma!

Herman: You know some 'yo' momma' jokes?

Barack: Yep. Yo' momma so stupid she put paper on the television and called it paper view!

Herman: Yo' momma so stupid she tried to put her m&m's in alphabetical order!

Barack: Yo' momma so bald you can see what's on her mind!

Herman: Yo' momma so greasy she used bacon as a band-aid!

Barack: Yo' momma so poor she went to McDonald's and put a milkshake on layaway!

Herman: Yo' momma so ugly she looked out the window and got arrested for mooning!

*(Michelle and Mrs. Cain listening at the entrance to the State Dining Room)

Michelle: Listen to those two! Is this the best America can do?

Mrs. Cain: Well, it could be Hilary Clinton and Mitt Romney telling 'yo' momma' jokes.

Stay Tuned for More 'Morning Conversations...' with Barack & Michelle Obama, next time!

Copyright 2011 - Dexter Yarbrough