I know it's long but please bare with me, I'm in desperate need of advice here x
I started talking to R over Facebook 2 years ago, he lived about 100 miles from me and we got chatting due to the loss of a mutual best friend of ours. He was living with his wife and her 3 children and there child they had together, they were living together but from what he said they were seperated (he was only there due to the fact she was ill and wanted to see her through this before leaving)
Within a few months we were talking constantly on the phone, via facebook and MSN, it became clear we had a lot in common and enjoyed chatting to each other, I think it helped him having someone to take his mind of things by chatting to me. When he was living up there his day consisted of taking the kids to an from school and then sitting at home and getting drunk due to not coping with what was going on at home.
He started to come down at weekends and see me and spend his time at mine, we used to have such fun, laughing and joking and got close in the sense we told each other we loved each other.
We decided to be together although I had my reservations due to the situation, I was also getting tired of the constant phone calls and wanting me at his beck an call all the time as he was still living away.
He moved into mine within 6 months of us first talking, things were great to start with although he had huge jealousy issues even though I gave him no reasons to be jealous, he'd always find something.
Aside from that things were good, he got a job within 2 months of living with me and things were going well.
Then cracks started to appear, he was contining to drink a lot (that never really changed since when he wasnt living with me), I would get fed up as he'd kinda pressurise me into having sex all the time and a lot of the time I wasn't in the mood (we'd have sex about 4 times a week if not more but it wasn't enough) that started to create problems as I was always on edge then.
Things ploughed on and aside from a few issues we were still good. I ended up falling pregnant and that caused issues between us as to what we wanted etc, we mulled over what we should do a lot and decided to keep it. This was until a few weeks later he received a call to say his wife had died and from then it was like I kinda felt I had to have an abortion due to how things were and his son was going to be living with us now.
The whole situation was horrible for all involved with so many issues and emotions on all parts to deal with, I struggled a lot to become "mum" to his son having just gotten rid of our baby and wasn't used to children.
I coped really well with it all and built a really good relationship with his son but I found that my boyfriend just expected me to deal with things with no emotional support and from then we started arguing a lot.
Within a month, he was made redundant from work and had to declare himself bankrupt, this obviously added even more strain and he started drinking even more. We'd have rows and he'd just storm of to the pub and get really really drunk.
There's been a lot of mud slinging and name calling and huge arguments
Since he stopped working all he would do is sit at home on the laptop and do nothing around the house (or very unoften) I'd come home from work really grumpy as he'd done nothing and graually it created such a rift between us we just seemed to spend all our time at loggerheads
Each argument it would be like "right its over" and then we'd talk and just carry on as usual.
The last month though I told him I couldnt cope and told him to leave, he went to his mums but I aske him to come back and he refused and said its better he stays there.
This last month
I called him constantly all that week, bombarding with texts and calls and all hed say was leave him alone he didnt want me anymore, he loves me but its never going to work.
So I stopped contacting him, within a day he came round to the house, told me he loved me and left. We started talking the day after and he came round a few days later telling me how sorry he is for how hes treated me etc and wanted to make us work more than anything, we went for a meal the following night and he bought me flowers an we had a really nice time and spent the whole weekend together.
A few days later he was at his mums getting drunk and I was trying to talk to him on MSN and he wasn't really saying a lot, I looked at his FaceBook and he'd added a woman who lived in the same area as him (well his mums where hes staying) and left a message on her wall I saw as being a bit flirtatious and he'd added like dating apps on facebook so I got a cob on and started being funny with him.
He got really angry with me saying I was being irrational and he didn't know the woman and had added those apps but hadn't bothered with them and that if I didnt trust him then it's not going to work. He'd also started to retract everything he'd sai the other night ie the apoligies he'd made, stating he was just trying to lend an olive branch and get things sorted.
He continued to be assey with me for about a week, not seeing how it looked to me considering we were trying to be making a go off things.
We met up again and he was back to being nice and saying he's just been really stressed lately and can't deal with arguments etc but we were back on good terms and sorting things out
Then just before I moved out of the house we shared (he's been at his mums since i told him to leave) Facebook started another row. One of his female friends who I know wants to sleep with him took a picture of his from his pics on facebook and added it to one of her albums with xxx as a heading an in full view of all our mutual friends. Needless to say I was shocked and hurt as I couldn't understan why she did it and what they must have been talking about for her to add that pic - came across like an ownership thing.
I confronted him, straight away with my back up and he booted off with me, saying I'm just creating an argument and he's done nothing wrong (he said she could have his pic and dint think how id feel when i saw it) that then created another few days of rows and in that time he'd also been out with his ex and stayed at her house.
Then again (the yo yo effect) we ended up chatting again, he brought his son over and he stayed for the weekend and we had such a good time and were properly talking about sorting all this mess out an I expressed how things were making me feel and he was totally willing to listen and we cleared the air.
On the monday, the morning he went home he appeared to be being a bit funny (this was clearly from the way I know he is because we didnt have sex and he was annoyed I'd fallen asleep the night before) he was being a bit distant and grumpy and then came over that night. I was feeling a bit low an self conscious ( I have confidence issues) and he just said "I cant be doing with this, Im sick of it" and said he was going home, I blew my lid as it feels whenever I need him he's not interested, he only wants to know when Im super happy, he stormed out and in a drunken rage I threw an ashtray at the door, which he heard.
We now haven't seen each other for a week, hes spending more time with his ex ( he assures me nothing is going on there an I do believe that as she is an ex from years ago and has just had a baby)
I've called him loads and text him loads and he's not interested in talking to me, says he cant cope with it all anymore and its never going to work and hes got to much going on (hes looking for a house, hes no job, hes having probs with his bankrutcy as he was trying to annull it as the insurance from his old house were going to be giving him £100,000 so he would have been able to clear his ebts etc but they are saying they arent paying out now)
He keeps saying he hasnt the time or inclination to talk to me and make things work and yesterday said he's fallen out of love with me, he said he loves me an finds me attractive etc but I've made him fall out of love with me with the constant nagging and phone calls to try and sort things out!
Last thing he said to me was it's definantly over and I should move on with my life and do what I want as thats what hes going to do!
I'm really sad as I love him so much and don't want to be without him but don't know what to do???
Sorry its so longx
Sweetie, it's time to move on and find someone who treats you the way you deserve to be treated.
Stay away from men with alcohol problems; men who are married, and men who have an addiction to computers, the Internet, or sex. There are still plenty of nice men out there.
If you constantly text, call, etc. it a) smacks of desperation; and b) makes people retreat from you. You were more invested in the relationship than he was because you worked harder at it (cognitive dissonance). If you make him work harder, he'll be more invested.
Just my two pence.
It's just so hard, It's like I meant nothing to him and he's now got a new circle of friends who he's going out with often (all female)
I have to see on his Facebook and it drives me insane, but it'd drive me more insane not to know
I just want him to want me back
Love your self and others will. Your not loving yourself by excepting a relationship with a person that does not love you back. Why do you think you deserve this punishment? Thank about that. Then leave!
classicalgreek, this is such good advice. Also, constantly calling, texting, IMing, etc. only fuels the sting of rejection. It hurts when someone you care for and love ceases loving you. But this is excellent guidance here. So, so true.
Put him behind you and move on. Looks like he's already done that to you. He left his late wife emotionally and used you to fill his need. He blamed her illness and used that as his excuse. Now he has left you emotionally and blames you for his cheating, his excuse is that you nag him and YOU made him fall out of love with you. Now he's got another woman and he will do the same to her sometime time in the future.
He's not with his ex I do know that, but I know she wants him back and she must be pampering his ego .
He changes his mind all the time in regards to how he feels about me.
When I spok to him yesteray I said are you just saying you arent in love with me anymore because you have a lot of stresses atm and he said I dont know, yes probably.
He says he doesnt want to think about it all as it makes his head hurt
I just hate it all I just want to be with him
I hate to say this to you, but you have to move on, it is extremely difficult, HUGS. if a man say that to you and you feel it, then he is not in love with you anymore.
It was wrong -- his just deceased wife, the baby in yuor womb--- starting a family and lots of other complications. It must heve been love but then give yourself some time to think about it ok?
Be strong and take care!
Look in ther mirror, slap yourself to wake up, thank God that you are not involved with him anymore, and focus on YOU!
Honestly, it sounds to me like you're probably better off. From the get-go (from "we started talking on FB...He was living with her and her three kids...and I got tired of him wanting me at is beck and call)...there are all kinds of red flags here.
As much as it hurts right now...Try to see the positives in this. There's someone else out there for you.
Just doesnt feel like that at the moment, I feel like I've put so much into things with him and been there so much and now it's so easy for him to cast my aside
That's exactly why you need to move on. Obviously he is NOT investing as much as you...and a relationship needs to be a two way street.
Digging deeper is no way to get out of a hole that you have dug
You want him back?? Why? I know it is hard to break a pattern once you are in it. Stay way from him and Stay off Facebook. Go do something fun, go grab some girlfriends and take a weekend trip.. Don't look back don't analyze... Just go and live a fun life.
The one GOOD thing about Facebook is that you get to find out just how sleazy and duplicitous people are (in the old days, you'd probably never have got to know about his new woman/women unless perhaps you had acquaintances/friends in common).
You made a big mistake hooking up with a married man in the first place (go on, admit it to yourself even though it's hard). As other people here have said, this guy was just using you and will use other women in the same way. The best thing to do now is cut off all communication with him and move on.
boys are dork ..so never fall in love...just do time pass..so that when he will say ...i want to quit ..kick him away...simple...
you are only hurting yourself if you hold on. its a personal issue. you must figure out a way to MOVE ON. Start rejecting him. Stop calling him. Stop doing the things you would normally do in regard to him. "CUT ALL TIES" Man are like this --- if you love them too much you would run them away. but, if you reject them it draws them to you. The more you reject them the stronger there love would become. STOP ACTING DESPERATE! move on with you life.
it all depends. every situation is different. if he had any feelings or love for you over time, yes. he will eventually. but, it may not be for your seasons. I believe you have given too much to a man who does not appreciate it. so, dont cry over it. LET HIM GO. MOVE ON. BE STRONG. and if it is ment to be - it will be. We meet some only for a season and others for a life time. in every situation it is a lesson to be learn. Realize what wa it and learn from it. YOU ARE AS STRONG AS YOU THINK YOU ARE.
Sometimes we ask questions we already know the answers to. I'm pretty sure you know that this isn't a healthy relationship. As that, like everyone here has said, it's time to move on.
Dealing with these things is definitely easier said than done. I know you're hurting. But you've got to do what is good for you in the long run. That is, stop calling him, stop texting him, if he comes back around, you don't have to be mean to him, just don't let him in.
You also obviously don't trust him. I really don't know whether him adding someone on FB should really be a cause for arguments. But either way, the bottom line is that there are mistrust issues (and you may be completely right to have them). But he is right. If you don't trust him, it won't work.
I'd just like to also add that relationships are two way. And from what you've written, it seems you also contributed to the problems in this relationship. For example, why would you bombard someome with calls and texts who obviously doesn't want to talk to you? When you're in this situation, learn to give someone their space. The sex thing... sex isn't as 'vital' to women as it is to men, maybe it's just me, but 4 days a week is not as excessive as you're making it sound. Is there any particular reason you didn't want to have sex with him? I mean it's your body and you should be able to choose when, but I'm just wondering whether there are other underlying issues that cause this.
^^ I'm saying all this to say, move on, but also learn from the mistakes you made in this relationship. Your next relationship will be much better for it. There's a quote in my profile:
"Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn." - C.S. Lewis ... Truer words were never spoken.
I started having trust issues as he spends his day on facebook all the time and you do start to wonder why someone is doing that and it's like he's been doing things lately to see how far he can push me - thats how it feels then blaming me for creating arguments.
A disagreement with him straight away turns into an argument and he makes them last for over a week and blames me for it all!
The sex thing was because it was all very one sided, whatever he wanted all the time and when he wanted it, the more he pressured me the more I backed off but this was awhile ago in the relationship
Ive felt in the last month since we split the only reason hes wanted to sort things out is down to the sex, he says he cant help wanting to sleep with me - fair enough but things have obviously been strained with trying to sort things out and get to some form of mutual ground to start over.
In the last two years, we've had so much to deal with with one thing or another and its obviosuly pushed us away, we were really happy and now hes jus not bothered about it all, and says we've tried to much to make it work, even though we havent we've just said wed do x y and z and not done
I agree with GreekOne, take this time to focus on yourself. You'll be surprised what doors you may open by doing so! Best wishes
I've been thinking about this all morning and also wanted to say the following:
You’ve attracted a married man who has the earmarkings of an emotionally abusive alcoholic. You crave his approval as evidenced by the calling and clinging and forgiving of behaviors on his part that are unacceptable. You say you’ve “fallen pregnant” as though it’s a virus you can catch – I wonder about your ability to connect with reality, feel good about yourself, and take responsibility for yourself.
Who in your life abused you? (You don’t have to answer me here…but I would be almost willing to bet that one of your parents – I’m leaning toward Daddy dearest – was also emotionally abusive (at least) and probably an addict).
I strongly, STRONGLY recommend some counseling, maybe even joining a support group, not only for you but also for your child. If you can’t get a handle on your interpersonal relationships and your feelings about yourself – you’re going to repeat similar patterns and subject your child to this kind of drama over and over again.
Please get some help for yourself.
We've had the same group of friends for years and only started talking as I said our mutual best friend got killed an it was nice for us both to have someone to talk to
He was married but separated, I have to stress that, they'd been apart for well over a year
I'd had problems with fertility an it was thought I was unable to get pregnant - I didnt keep the baby an have no children - he has an 8 year old son
My mum used to hit me often as a child and was always more concerned about her boyfriends - my dad wasn't around.
I know how I've been brought up has a baring on the relationships I get into subconsciously it must do
I have already been to the doctors and have my letter to send off for councelling as I have very little confidence.
I know he was your friend, and part of a group of friends...but that has little bearing on what two people become in an intimate relationship - and I'm sorry to say separation just isn't the same as divorce (it's like he's still got his foot in the door...although I know in some places you have to be separated for a certain amount of time prior to being granted a divorce). I'm sorry things have gone so badly. I know the best of intentions sometimes have a way of spiraling out of control. I'm also sorry to hear about your childhood. Believe me when I say I know how that goes.
But I am very glad to hear that you've gotten the go-ahead to get some counseling, and I can't stress enough how helpful and powerful and supportive a (duh) support group can be
I really do wish you the very best, and I hope to see a thread here from you after a while telling us that you're doing what you need to do and feeling better.
You deserve so much more out of life: Go Get It!
Well hon, I know how much the sting of rejection hurts. But I promise you it won't always hurt this bad. Stay busy. Surround yourself with friends. Treat yourself well. Look as attractive as possible. But DO NOT contact him. You must NOT look at his FB. It will only stir up more feelings of suspicion, jealousy, rejection, and sadness. You have a whole world out there worth exploring. Look up out of the pit of despair and reach for the clouds. Jump up!! Run with it. Be who YOU are! You are free. Be all you can be. Remember this :
"Releasing unhealthy attachments requires one to stand on the edge of the shadow, look back, and see what it really is."
is hard,bt u just have to move on.
at least u are innocent.,mayb tht is hw he treat is ex
Have you noticed that all the advice here says pretty much the same thing? I was very impressed by Spider's contribution she really is getting to the meat of the matter I'm sure. Inspiration also made an excellent point about us asking questions we already know the answer to.
I have no advice for you, you seem to be getting enough. I just have an excercise that I would like to suggest;
Imagine that you live somewhere else and that you are another contributer and writer to this forum. Imagine you just read what this person called "lonelyxheart" wrote. What advice would YOU give her?
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