Once a cheat, always a cheat...???

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   Candice Brigitteposted 13 years ago

   I cheated on my boyfriend 9 months ago, I had never cheated before and had never thought about it. I loved him so much even when I cheated. Well to say the least, you always get caught, it is always a matter of time.
   Did I learn from my mistake, hell yes...I hit rock bottom, infact rock bottom is an understatement. How did he feel...well like he was dead inside, no words could ever express how he felt.  Needless to say we ended.
   I sought counselling and well in my belief the saying once a cheat always a cheat is not entirely true.
   I hurt the best thing in my life and for what...I suffered just as much as he did but the hurt and pain I caused I would never be able to imagine. The guilt eats away at me every day and I live with it...I try deal with it.
   9 months on is there resolution? Yes there is, we are seeing eachother again and working through our problems. Does he trust me? He wants to...he has faith in forgiveness and I have faith in us. Would I cheat again...Never in this lifetime. Never. I could never live with myself again knowing that I can create that hurt and hate and pain.

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      prettydarkhorseposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Good for you and you should stick with it! It is always good to stay loyal, but some cheats and it happen. The consequences are too much for some, but there is always improvement. We are not perfect.

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         Candice Brigitteposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         I guess through mistakes you learn, I know some people never learn but my god I did.  Thank you and I hope that any one who does read this sees that there is always hope and you can change your spots!

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            prettydarkhorseposted 13 years agoin reply to this

            that's right, wishing you the best in your relationship with your bf, hope it continues to grow and be filed with love and understanding.
            
            It helps that you are helping him to accept you again with your decision never to cheat anymore. After cheating happens, i think that both partners would work again to rebuild the relationship. We may never know how long it may take for him to forget what you did, as long as you helped him and be consistent, you will be fine.

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      the pink umbrellaposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      i cheated and struggled with my bf not knowing. Hard as it is to admit, i was given advice not to tell him...mind you i was 19 at the time. And i didnt. I was told its selfish to tell him just to make myself feel better. It would only hurt him. I never cheated again, and obviously have grown up as well as im about to be 27.

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      Gangsta_Luvposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      the golden rule of cheating
      
      GUY CHEAT FOR SEX AND GIRLS CHEAT FOR ATTENTION
      
      ONE WAY OR THE OTHER, EVERYBODY CHEATS. AFTER ALL WE ARE ADAM AND EVE'S ANCESTORS, LIFE WITHOUT TEMPTATION AINT WORTH THE LIVING.
      
      THE QUESTION IS , WOULD YOU DO IT AGAIN?

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         Candice Brigitteposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         Definately not....hence the lessoned learned....i could not live with myself if I hurt him again and i dont want to ever see the look in his eyes when i told him that.....
         So no....never again....

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      leebertteaposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      I personally believe in redemption. Of course never is a long time but at least you realize what you did and have apologized and taken steps to correct your problem. Good for you! Hopefully everything will work out.

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         Candice Brigitteposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         Thank you. The comments are a refreshing sight to see.  I think these forums are a great way for people to talk about things that actually do happen and if it helps some one along the way then we are doing something right.
         
         Awesome

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            leebertteaposted 13 years agoin reply to this

            You're welcome! I might add it was quite courageous of you to come out and publically admit your faults. I'm sure things will go well for you!

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      Ben Evansposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      You certainly can learn from your lessons.  I do believe that but I do want to preface this.
      
      If a person cheats and they feel strongly about it......What was the catalyst that made them cheat?  Also was the root cause ever rectified?  I am not a psychologist........but something causes a person to cheat like anger or disrespect of the other person or there are some people who don't care.
      
      There is a mechanism that caused you to cheat and unless this is completely rectified you may cheat again.  What a person may see after cheating is the instant loss of the relationship and they may try to do anything to get the relationship back and at the moment it seems like they won't cheat again.  When things start to gel again, then the same cause for cheating may rise again.
      
      I am not trying to be harsh but if one has cheated in the past they are definitely going to have a higher probability of cheating in the future.  You carry the proverbial Scarlet letter of a person who cheated.  Your bf and society will look at it this way.
      
      I am glad that your bf is taking you back and  I hope everything works well.  He is taking you back and what you need to do is not try convince us but convince yourself.  I hope everything works out well and you have a long prosperous relationship.

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         Candice Brigitteposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         Thank you for your response...
         
         This forum is not a case of convincing you but rather a way to show other people who have cheated in the past that if they have felt guilty, if they have realised that they made the biggest mistake and want to own it they can.
         
         Yes we are all human and with that comes with our human indiscretions...I am not saying that the saying once a cheat, always a cheat is not entirely true. I know of certain folk who are serial cheaters and never feel bad about it.   Hence there are 2 catogories for cheaters. I fall into the one where I realised the mistake I made and am now owning it but I wont let it ruin my life, define who I was or who I am going to be. 
         
         My partner is an amazing guy and the fact that he has found it in his heart to forgive me and what I did is more than I could ever comprehend. I truly am blessed and I count my lucky stars that I have him.

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            Ben Evansposted 13 years agoin reply to this

            I am sorry but I have to disagree.
            
            I believe it is okay to move on. It is good that your bf forgave you okay.  It is also good that you are moving on and forward. It however is not okay to have a pre-made canned rationalization for what is I believe a rather heinous behavior in regards to a relationship.
            
            If a person where to steal and leave a family penny less, this person should move on and we should say it is okay.....after all we are all human.  This may seem far fetched but it is the same argument.
            
            Owning up to it is only half of the commitment.  The other half is to not do it again. That is a life long commitment.
            
            Don't get me wrong.  I am not saying that you are bad and that you will cheat again.  I also believe that it is good you are moving on.  I, however, do not think people should think that they can make the mistake.  I do believe that there is a consequence to cheating and those who have cheated deserve it.  They deserve to be left and they deserve to feel guilty about it.  From there, they have to move on.  These are consequences and I don't give myself permission to cheat so I certainly don't give it to others.

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               Candice Brigitteposted 13 years agoin reply to this

               Ok I think you slighlty mis-understood me...
               
               I totally agree with you that no one weather human or no,t has the right to cheat and I to had the beliefs you had till I did it, I still don't condon cheating and certainly would go lightly on anyone who did cheat as I became what I hated the most and there is no excuse for it. Nor will I make any excuses
               
               How i own it and how I commit with my bf or somebody new is what will set me apart from once a cheat always a cheat. This forum is about that. It is not condoning cheating and I hope that anyone who reads this will see it for what it is...cheating is the lowest form a human being can sink to other the killing and ect... Cheating means you have lost respect for your partner and your self and knowing that you can face the guilt and live with it and learn from it will prove you to become a better person.
               
               I would spend my lifetime making it up to my BF. And even that would never be enough.
               
               Thank you for your honest comments. Truely noted.

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   mega1posted 13 years ago

   I would cheat with Johnny Depp - probably not with Tiger Woods- there are others I would cheat with too!
   
   hey!  wait!  I'm not even IN a relationship - can't cheat.    but still - I would SAY I was cheating if that helped!

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      Candice Brigitteposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      
      
      But you at least get what I am saying....
      
      Thanks

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   Cagsilposted 13 years ago

   Welcome to HubPages!
   
   Hopefully, you did actually learn your lesson. However, do keep control of your desires and leave them for your partner alone.
   
   I know many people to claim they understand their mistake, only to watch them make the same mistake over again.
   
   Enticement to be with someone else is always strong, but your will must be stronger, so as to prevent it from happening or taking you over.
   
   Integrity stands above all else.

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      Candice Brigitteposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Thank you....integrity is the most important thing here...and the ability that some people have to find forgiveness is an amazing gift.
      
      The fact that my boyfriend has chosen to look past my infidelity and 9 months on we are far better the second time round. 
      
      Thank you for your comments and truly noted.

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      bsscorpio8posted 13 years agoin reply to this

      What mistake?

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   Home Girlposted 13 years ago

   Our life is full of choises. How wisely can we chose, or choose? That's a million dollar question. You've made your bed - you sleep in it.

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      Candice Brigitteposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      You're absolutely right...life is full of choices and whether or not we make the right or wrong one it does not define us as a person.
      
      I cheated and I openly admit it, and i take all the blame and I live with it.  But it is how you learn from your wrong choice that will define you....we are only human and I am not sayiny that sure, you can go cheat now as long as you don't do it again....what I am saying is far different from that...if you made the wrong choice and have realised it only you can fix it or begin to try and fix it.
      
      I am blessed to be given a second chance, I just hope that anyone who reads this and has ever been in my shoes decides to not make the same mistakes I did, and if they did, you can still change and be a better person.

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   lrohnerposted 13 years ago

   I firmly believe that there are people who cheat once, learn their lesson and never do it again. And then there are the serial cheaters. Since there's no science to tell us which is which, I'd stay away from both groups.

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   akirchnerposted 13 years ago

   That's really honest of you and I think sometimes for women it is easier to 'break the pattern' than it is for men - that probably is sexist but in my humble opinion having seen it over the last many decades - in the news and amongst friends, I think that most cheaters are men....although that said, they have to usually have a woman to cheat WITH!
   
   You are on the right track - cheating hurts everyone and it is good that you realize that....much luck with your 'cheat-free' life from this day forward!

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      Candice Brigitteposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Thank you

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   Anamika Sposted 13 years ago

   Once a cheat... always a cheat is a normal tendency seen among people. I have seen many women going back to their husbands who have cheated on them only to have a bigger heart break later. But there are many who have learned from their mistakes and changed too. I would rather be loyal than carrying the burden of guilt on my shoulders.

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      Candice Brigitteposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Well said....

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   Diane Insideposted 13 years ago

   I still believe once a cheat always a cheat.  If you love somebody you won't cheat on them it's as simple as that.
   There had to have been something wrong for a person to cheat, my opinion they didn't love the other person or they wouldn't have done it. If I was cheated on I would not stay with that person or go back to them. But you are lucky if he took you back. But that will always be there, he will always remember it. And he could think that gives him a reason to cheat on you later on. Sorry I'm not trying to hurt anybodies feelings, I just think it is a rotten thing to do. And I disagree you might feel really hurt, but it is nothing compared to what he felt. It doesn't even compare.

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      Candice Brigitteposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      It is sad to see that people do loose faith in others. Yes cheating is the most disgusting thing ever.  I hated those type of people and to be honest I became what I hate most in the world.  I have tarred my reputation...but that does not mean I am a different and horrible person. No one can honestly say what drives them to cheat either once or continueously...however I dont and never fall in the catagory of serial cheating. The pain and hurt I caused my partner is too much to bare and the guilt I carry around is far from ok.  Honest opinions are always hard to hear especially from people you dont know. I respect your opinions and I am extremely glad that I have a wonderful guy who has found a way to forgive me. What ever happens from this day on, will only be good.

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   Jeff Berndtposted 13 years ago

   Did I learn from my mistake, hell yes...I hit rock bottom, infact rock bottom is an understatement.
   Embrace that.
   
   How did he feel...well like he was dead inside, no words could ever express how he felt.  Needless to say we ended.
   Of course. I'm sorry to say that cheating doesn't always mean the end of a relationship, but I'm glad your ex-fella broke it off with you. (I assume he broke it off with you, and not the other way around. Please correct me if I'm wrong.)
   
   
   I sought counselling and well in my belief the saying once a cheat always a cheat is not entirely true.I hope you're right, I really do. I also believe that everyone can make themselves a better person if they strive for it.
   
   
   I suffered just as much as he did
   
   Do you really believe that to be true? Really? I had a girlfriend cheat on me once upon a time. I know what it's like, and I doubt that you suffered "just as much" as he did.
   
   but the hurt and pain I caused I would never be able to imagine. The guilt eats away at me every day and I live with it...I try deal with it.
   Embrace the guilt. You ought to feel guilty; you betrayed his trust. At the same time, though, you are sorry, and you've resolved not to repeat your mistake, and that's a definite good thing. Use the guilt to become a better person, one who wouldn't betray the one who loves her.
   
   9 months on is there resolution? Yes there is, we are seeing each other again and working through our problems.
   Wow, you are one lucky woman if your fella is willing to try again with you. Remember that, too.
   
   Does he trust me? He wants to...he has faith in forgiveness and I have faith in us.
   Sure he does. Nobody likes to be wrong, and one of the worst things about your mate cheat on you is discovering how wrong you were about your mate's character, and how your mate must have actually felt about you. Until someone you love betrays you, you can't know how it feels.
   
   Would I cheat again...Never in this lifetime. Never. I could never live with myself again knowing that I can create that hurt and hate and pain.
   Good for you. I wish you the best, because you're working to heal the rift between you and your fellow. I hope you can get past it. It helps that you realize that you made a terrible mistake, and that you're not trying to blame anybody else for it; you're owning your betrayal, and doing your best to make things right. That makes a real reconciliation much more likely.
   
   I hope your fellow can come to forgive you, and I hope you will come to deserve it.

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      Candice Brigitteposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Thank you for your comments.  I find peace in what I read from everyone, I don't judge their comments and it is calming to read what others think.
      
      Yes I am owning my betrayel and I am finding hub pages a great way to talk about it and any other ideas.
      
      So thank you for you honest comments.

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