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All of my anger seeped out of my body last night and only the pain has stayed and a new feeling of betrayal. My husband knows for a fact that sis-in-law is a liar and so does her husband and hubby's and BIL's mom. And yet yesterday they just all rolled over and did what SHE wanted.
They knew that the 26th was supposed to be my day, my Papa's day because that was his birthday and I wanted to do something fun and with a bunch of people. But now...I don't even want to celebrate f*cking Christmas. My Christmas spirit has been smashed into nothing.
She has lied and gotten her way, MIL going with them on Saturday to Sea World because SIL's grandma supposedly wants to go and has a doc appointment on Sunday. No doctor is going to schedule an appointment 2 days after Christmas nor on a Sunday. RED FLAG HERE PEOPLE!!!! I AM WAVING AROUND THAT B7LLSH!T FLAG AND THEY DON'T CARE!!!
I know you guys will be saying oh don't let it ruin your day still go out and have fun...but how can I when I was betrayed by my own husband?
maybe your husband just dont like any family dispute at this time crazdwriter, talk to him and discuss it, tell him how you feel about it
wow, im very sorry to hear that things haven't progressed since i last saw you. look, i know your going through a difficult time right now, and im sorry to hear your sister-in-law is being such a jerk to you. personally, i don't see why she couldn't have let you spend time with her on the 26th because i find it hard to believe any doctor would take patients a couple of days after x-max. unless it was a personal doctor or something. anyway, i hope you'll be okay. if you ever need to talk about anything, your more than welcome to e-mail me or something.
Don't ever let anyone or anything break your spirit , be strong, and keep yourself happy
Sorry to hear your going through such a difficult time,...I remember when I lost my Grandfather(Adopted Dad). I needed to find a way to express what I was feeling before I self eruppted,..so this is what I done, not to say it will work for you,..just a suggestion. I wrote my Dad letters and actually dropped them off in the mailbox address to heaven in care of God. 12 years later,..with Christmas around the corner,..I have his card ready to be mailed again this season. It can be lonely and hurtful to go through such a loss and feel as if your better half isn't behind you,...My hubby was an alcohlic at the time my Dad died, to drunk to drive me to his funneral, mind you I was pregnant with twins. But as time went by and my heart recovered,...my hubby grew up, got sober and appoligized. Now he has proven he will never leave my side when I need him the most. I guess what Im trying to say is dont let that anger destroy something that might end up being your bestest of supporters. Big Big Hugs to you !!!
hi , don't let anyone make you sad.my bible tells me not to put my trust in man but God. that means humanbeing are not to be relied on because they can break your heart and whem they do always remind yourself that they are being human
your husband is trying to be neutral, as he is in the middle, but he should champion you and your wishes first, as well as consider his mother's feelings and comfort. she doesn't need to feel like she's in the middle of a tug-of-war, but i fear that she probably does feel that way already on some level.
a lot of damage has been done to marriages when husbands cave in to the wishes of his family, especially after he and his wife have discussed their plans and the importance of them, etc.
he is your husband first and their brother/son etc. second.
and for him to go against what you and he agreed on and arranged, especially knowing how special that day was for you, does feel like a betrayal. unfortunately, he doesn't see it that way. he sees it as making everyone happy.
you and he should talk it out again, since you still don't feel right. this tells me he hasn't communicated with you in a way that makes you feel validated. the SIL is obviously a control freak, and will manipulate everyone around her to get her way, regardless of their feelings.
i know it is easier said than done - not letting toxic people ruin your fun. just try to concentrate on keeping Christmas the best you can with the people around you and in the time that you have, and if it were me, i would deal with the SIL head-on, face-to-face after the holidays. i would not let this go.
thanks kristen...defintely need the hugs. trying to compose myself enough to go out and get my hsopping done but d@mn it's hard.
You have every right to be angry hun! You have recently suffered a huge loss and you are being expected to just 'go with the flow' or whatever and that does not sound fair to me. I am sending you all the cyber hugs possible, I just wish there were good hugging smileys
I believe that the pain you have endured by losing your grandfather is getting the best of you, I realize what your family members are doing is wrong , celebrate his life in your own special way. Buy a helium balloon place a card on the bottom of it and release it into the air showing all of your love to him on the 26th. Although others things will be going on show your compassion release your love and anger I believe that is what he would want you to do and try to have a good day. Your grandpa knows that you will never forget him and right now you are sharing him with the World because of your Avatar. Don't be angry at your husband or family just forgive them they do not understand.
Oh trust me like I stated A...I am no longer angry. I am more betrayed than anything and going numb by it all. But I like that idea of buying a balloon...though...I don't want it falling in the ocean and hurting any sea creatures either...I'll have to do it in my imagination
thanks Steven I might have to take you on that and rant and rave and laeve a long @$$ email in your inbox I am a writer and d@mn do I write long emails at times haha
thats okay, i don't mind. besides what are friends for. besides, it can't be as long as the stuff i read for my research i was doing earlier today anyway.
hehehe tell me how long your research was and I'll make sure to make it longer
Crazdwriter it looks like you have some writing to do now!
PHEW I better get started then I might ramble about nothing but I'll get it there
Honestly, crazd, I think you should just sit down and talk with your husband...calmly. Even if the plans won't be changed, at least talk it out.
Your husband is in the middle of a big mess, and being pulled so many different directions. It's clear to you what's going on with his family, but you see it from a different perspective. They are his family, and he's not always going to see things as clearly about them, as you do. The same goes for you and your family, and his perspective on your relationships with them.
If I've learned anything in 21 years of a successful marriage, it's that sometimes you have to just step back. I'm talking about you and your husband both, when it comes to dealing with in-laws.
If it's your family--you talk to them and deal with it. If it's his family, then let him. Of course, the two of you should talk about it privately together, and try to agree as best you can on how to resolve things...
Hang in there, and I'm so sorry to hear about your grandfather--I lost my grandmother on Christmas Eve a few years ago, so every year, that day has become a day of remembrance for me...
I am sorry that you had to lose your grandmother on Christmas Eve, tamcor. that is definitely sad. But glad you do remember her fondly on that day.
And yes we have talked about it...I am just done with his family right now. sad thing is everyone else in his family sees it my way but that isn't going to change anything...I just needed to rant and rave...and hopefully the bertayal will just turn into nothing but numbness...
Can understand your pain and anger. Maybe there is something going on in your sil life that you don't know about ( doubt it, but is a possibility) Have you talked with your hubby about this and your feelings?
thanks PDH. I hope things get better too...but sadly I have a feeling that they won't
Crazd, what AE has written is truth. Understandably, you are under a great deal of stress and are under emotional stress too. Celebrate your Papa's life on the 26th by doing something special, perhaps something that was special between you and him. Carry on the day but know in your heart that you are celebrating him. Your hubband's caught in the middle and is trying to please everyone. Don't forget,he's stressed out too, and may make decisions that you don't agree with. But it doesn't mean that he's doing this to hurt you. He's trying his best right now too.
Hang in there. I'm here for you! xxx ((((HUGS)))
Yea I know he is trying to make everyone happy but the stimple fact that THEY knew that that day means a lot to me and she pulls a lile out of her arse to get her own way makes me disgusted. I can't believe that there are heartless people like that out there.
And I don't like him being caught in th emiddle but when his own mother says she will do what they say even though she also knew that day was important to me...it's like slap in the face because she has said she doesn't like being around her DIL.
Sounds like she may have a little temper tantrum if she doesn't get her way. Also, sounds like she has her way because they are AFRAID of her. You have to ask yourself "why" because she has control over THEM. Butt kissers kiss butt for only one reason: fear. Answer the question, and you'll be able to prevent this from happening again.
Not to be a Noodge or anything but I have to ask a question in the vane of all the other comments.
Are you angry because you will miss the MIL during your outing or that SIL is getting it her way rather than you having yours?
I think the perspective in the answer may help assuage the hurt.
So will a good sized slug of scotch by the way.
It is because of the SIL lying to get her way even though we had already ALL AGREED to MIL going to the zoo with us Saturday. We invited them to go too but because other friends are going that they have pushed away the same way they have done to me, they won't go.
Some people are just selfish big fat ( ! )Holes. Which is as it appears in your situation. You can’t excuse them and you can’t accept them, but you can ignore the fact that they bug the living crap out of you by being grateful you don;t have to spend any time with them. Screwed up plans yes, but how crappy would the trip have been if they went along.
I think I'd also now change the zoo trip to Disneyland, but that just me.
lmao ready we already have plans to take MIL to Disneyland.
and yes I will be ignoring them. trust me on that...not inviting them anywhere anymore not taking part in giving them gifts out of the kindness of my heart. my kindness towards them is all dried up now
I am reading through the thread and here is 1000000 HUGS for you
Craz'd I don't think you should talk about your husband like that in a public forum.
nobody knows who he is and what I write is what I write.
give the woman a break, that is all we are here for, to comfort each other
I agree! I wont say you should do this or you should do that, I just don't know enough about the people involved. I do see a friend who is angry and hurting and want to offer comfort. I am glad to have the chance to offer that comfort to a friend. That is what makes being a friend such a wonderful thing, being able to give and receive comfort and support. Whatever Crazdwriter does now it is more likely to be a thought out action instead of an emotional re-action because of the chance to get some of it off her chest in an anonymous type place.
thank you kristen and alexa...for the comfort and kind words.
And yes Kristen I vent on here because it is annonymous. they don't kow my hubby and all that bt I need to get it off my chest before I punch a hole in the wall of my apartment or something.
Well I am composed enough to go out now so i'll be back later and probably have some poems bubbling up inside of me to write in hubs so yea I'll be back on here later...
DW? I have YET to go there and I want to so badly. Can I fly out and you pack me in your bags
Yes.....Meet us at the Contemporary Hotel
woohoo! I can be your adopted daughter for the day
Absolutely! Hop on a plane when you get to OIA jump on the Disney Bus.
Crazd, what about a third option that everyone can do together?
there is no thrid option...I want nothing to do with them because of this entire mess and they don't like my friends because they turned on them just as they had on me...so yea there is no third option I'm afraid habee
thanks AIM that does sound like a good idea. I never thought of writing to him letters or even a Christmas card. thanks for the idea.
And no I'm not angry at my husband...just hurt is all. I know that it will pass but I needed to get it off my chest or I would have exploded.
Your welcome hun,..when I lost my Dad,..Sometimes it felt as if I couldn't breathe,..like I was holding it waitng for him to come through the door. Its tough right now I know,..but later down the road your gonna beable to smile and laugh when you think back on the old days,..your heart is broke right now,..thats all. very human to feel like your gonna exsplode,..Id think there was something wrong with you if you didn't,..LOL. Hang in there,...
lol sometimes I don't feel like I am going to explode after a loss though. only this time because ppl are messing with me and my plans to celebrate Papa's bday. but yep I'm not going to let them get to me anymore...as I have said to myself they are dead to me, my BIL and SIL.
Venting is important to get out all the crap. But it has to be productive, otherwise, it just enables you to rage out of control, and that, ultimately just makes things worse. I know from experience. I regretted some of the out-of-control stuff, so I try to keep it in perspective.
After the anger (in which I feel you are justified) the question is about forgiveness for your hubby. Whether or not it can happen for a while. I hope that it can, but it would also be good for your hubby to know the kind of betrayal you felt without getting all defensive. Maybe you could help him understand that after the anger is gone? I don't know.
You've been through enough and it's all crap. The best revenge of all will be for you to have a wonderfully happy Christmas despite what your SIL did. It will piss her off no end. You are not in her clutches or control, and you are in charge of you and your life. She will hate that endlessly. I know how hard it is to pull that off, but I just did for my birthday this year, and it was sweeter than honey.
Just sending lots of hugs and love your way, kiddo.
I use this thing called the crazy dog advantage. A crazy dog may come and pee on your leg, and you may kick him for doing that. But, the crazy dog doesn't see that you kicked him because he peed on you, he just knows you kicked him and he may retaliate. So you leave the crazy dog alone and let him be in his own world and you go change your pants and socks.
At the end of the day, YOU are the only one who matters and YOU are the only one you really have to please. I know you're having tons of pain, and the betrayal of your husband, to boot. That's gotta hurt! But he may be giving in for the sake of Peace, I don't know him so I'm purely guessing.
My long drawn out point is, do what pleases you, and if anyone joins you, then cool. If they don't, you still do what pleases you, it's not selfish. Like someone else posted, Grandpa knows all your feelings and intentions and you've probably made him pretty happy already. You can't change the others, but you can change your view of it and maybe not suffer so much. It's hard. Just don't let the crazy dog hurt you again.
First of all Crazd, let me say again that I’m sorry for your loss of your Papa.
I don’t have any great advice for your current situation. I too have great difficulty letting go of things that aren’t right, or aren’t fair. I just have 2 thoughts, or philosophies to share. First, when people have you upset, in a way, it’s giving them power over you. And of course you do not want to empower these people. Second, don’t let anyone “should” on you, especially your feelings. Despite someone else’s perception of your feeling as right are wrong, they are your feelings. You feel how you feel, and that’s not up for debate.
wow ... you don't know if I am religious or anything so writing THAT is just down right rude!
oi I may be Catholic and all but so don't like it when ppl come up to me and saying I have to love God and blah blah blah I know what I have to do thank you!
Hey CW I hate that you are going through this but I wanted to relate a little story to you so that you will understand that Karma will bite when least expected.
I have issues with my brother-in-law. There has been name calling, my sister hates me and how I live my life. Their youngest got preggers out of wedlock and they told her she would abort. She didn't thankfully or I wouldn't have the beautiful grand-nephew that I do. Anyway this man has caused me problems since joining the family.
Two days ago he and my sister trekked to Wal-mart to take her mind off of a minor surgical proceedure she was having the next day. A black man was coming out the door with his back to my BIL and sister and about knocked them down. My BIL said a very not nice thing to this man and for his comment was punched in the face which gave him a cut lip and thrown through the doors of Wal-mart. The police came and because others heard what he had said the man who struck him did not go to jail. My BIL didn't either but his inflated ego was severely bruised.
Karma will strike. It may not be today, tomorrow or next year but it will strike those who are nasty in their every day lives.
Keep smiling and saying "that's nice" love ya girl.
wow lynne yea Karma di definitely bite him in the butt. that is great!
I do hope that karama bites BIL and SIL in the butt; would make my day lol
Sorry to hear that the tables have turned once again. Isn't it just so maddening when they change their minds, just when you thought you had it all settled? Happens a lot with spouses.
I will pray for you on the special day (26th) that it may contain wonderful remembrances, celebrated in a creative way, of your Grandpa.
Don't take it personally. They all have egos that need to be fed. You don't need to be the "feeder" of those egos. Go about your day. Is there a pal that you can go to lunch with or something. instead of a balloon, get a nice rose or something and put a bio-degradeable (I'm sure the spelling is off on that) card on it. You can find them at the store. Or, if you are in a warm climate, plant something for him. Hold your head high, take the high road when when hubby comes home or is leaving, just say have a good day or "gee, I'm glad you had a good time." Don't lower yourself to their level.
At any rate....Good luck.
BTW: IF your in-laws are doing something to purposely bug you or which they think will bug you. Prove them wrong. Act as though nothing is bothering you and that you are actually EMBRACING the idea of celebrating your grandfater ON YOUR OWN. Fck 'em....(sorry). You don't NEED them. The best thing you can do TO someone who thinks they are duping you is showing them that you are not affected...then, YOU win.
Thanks Stimp I like that idea about a plant and will definietly have to get something for Papa...something I can't kill maybe a cactus! I have the black thumb not the green one lol
And you are right I won't let their stupidity and selfishness ruin my holiday or that special day for me.
But I still refuse to go over there on Christmas.
Not sure what your climate is....however I'm no green thumb either. Bonsai trees are hard to kill. You only have to water them once every 10 days or something. Hostas are hard to destroy as well.
I'm having a hard time mustering up the motivation to go to Joe's family's place as well. I know they don't like me so its difficult to put on a smile and act like I'm welcome when I know I'm not. I was accused last year of saying "I can't wait till the girls (Joe's kids) are 18 and can get out of my house." I never said that and Joe was sitting right next to me the whole day. So, he disputes that as well. But they "heard" what they heard and will always believe I said that. I would never say something like that. i might think it.. but I certainly wouldn't say it out loud.....
Right now the climate is cold...hot..cold..hot Cali won't make up it's darn mind! I have never had a bonsi tree I will hae to try that one. but if i kill that I'm gonna be sad and stay away from plants lol I'm an animal person not a nature person
And yea I can't see you saying something out loud like that. that is total b&llsh!t. hey we should make the b&llsh!t flag. we would be rich!
You can get a cute little bonsai tree at Target for about $15. Complete with a nice little pot. They are quite nice. My x's son got me one once. I didn't nurture it too much after the divorce and ended up throwing it out....kind of like they did to me.
Hang-tough. Sometimes is family members that can hurt you the most because you expect more from them. As long as you've let them know YOU know its a load of crap and....make sure they know its not gonna happen again, you're the better person.
thanks tobey I appreciate that and they do know that they can't walk all over me like they apparently can my husband and MIL
Hey, been there and done that. The more correct crowd may not agree but....I'm with you on not doing the Christmas thing with them. Why be a. miserable or b. a hypocrit. Stay strong Crazdwriter.
thanks cosette, yea hubby is definitely in the middle and he does see it my way though but he feels like he has to make his family happy, trying to make everyone happy except for me of course. He said he wants everyone happy and I said yep but me. He said that isn't true and he is hurt but like he said no one will be truly happy. and that is so true. this year I won't be happy. oh well life moves on
and yea I doubt I'll let this one go. but I don't feel like confronting her because talking to her is like talking to a d@mn wall.
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