Mind if I vent my familial rage?

1. 74

   Mighty Momposted 14 years ago

   Arrrgggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
   It's HER again. My sister-in-law.
   Will this ever stop? Will I have any sanity left if/when it does?
   We were able to out her as executor of the family trust (that was last year's drama). We were able to keep her from putting my MIL in a nursing home.
   She was (we thought) out of our lives, except for the occasional (very, very occasional) visit to my MIL.
   Well...
   Yesterday a flood -- and I do mean a flood -- of mail arrived at my house. It was all for my MIL. This is the second "mail dump" my SIL has done. She puts her own "forward to" labels on the mail and sends it to OUR house (vindictive?).
   No joke, there were Christmas cards from 2009 in there. There were birthday cards for my MIL in there.
   The c-word has obviously been saving up the pile until she felt the impulse to slap those labels on and send them on their way.
   
   How do you explain this?
   How do WE explain this to my mother-in-law?
   There's more, but this post is getting long.
   
   Please, please, someone tell me to put the gun down!

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   1. 74

      Sunny Robinsonposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Actually, I'd so use that gun on the c-word.  Lol! Oh, MM.  I'm sorry.
      
      I would see if I can get the post office to not ever send any mail for your SIL to your house.  Completely block that.

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      Stevennix2001posted 14 years agoin reply to this

      im terribly sorry to hear this happened to you mighty mom.  have you ever tried talking to your sister-in-law about this?  or your husband about talking to her?  seriously, if it bothers you this much, it might be best to try to work things out before it gets out of hand.

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      Fiddlemanposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      I also have one of those hateful SIL's . A mean cuss and we are going through a similar experience trying to get the estates settled, one which should have been completed over twenty years ago. Hoping you soon find relief.

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      laughing loonposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Is it legal for her to side track your mail?

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   5. 60

      Sarah Writesposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      I to have had some difficult times with an extremely mean sister in law, though she never tampered with my mail, she did other awful things… The best advice I can give is to ignore her. She wants a rise out of you; it’s unfortunately the type of person she is. But if she’s anything like my sister in law this is just a spring board for a much bigger battle then you want to waste your time with.  Brush her off, and be thankful you dont have to steal other people mail to get attention.

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2. 79

   mega1posted 14 years ago

   step away from the weapon!  I know that what I'm about to say is going to seem really nuts, but believe me it is the only way you can save yourself from a whole lot of aggravation.
   
   Picture your sil as a small girl, a lonely, self-destructive, mentally impaired little girl who has no one to understand her, and who feels like others including your mil have abused her.  Picture yourself reassuring her, and feeling all the compassion you would feel for someone in her shoes.  Imagine that you have a conversation reassuring and convincing her that you and others really don't hate her.  Imagine that you are one of the ways for her to heal her heart and soul that has been suffering for many years.   Remember that no human is a demon and that people out of their suffering often abuse others when they are feeling that they have been abused.   Promise this little girl, your sil, that you will do nothing to harm her, that you will think positive thoughts about her, and that you are hoping she will find the healing powers she needs. It helps if while you are thinking this way you will sip a glass of water and tell yourself you are replenishing the water of kindness in yourself.
   
   Do this compassion exercise until all the thoughts of weapons and hurting her in order to get back at her are totally gone from your consciousness.
   
   If you send that kind of energy her way, you will quickly get over any actions she has done to upset you.  You will feel better, at the very least, and possibly your healing thoughts and energy will go to her and help her recover, because obviously she is impaired and unreasonable right now and needs this kind of healing.
   
   Then drink a bottle of wine, dance around in your jammies and eat up some chocolate or a burrito or something yummy and be as happy as possible.

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      Rafiniposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      this is beautiful...just by reading it I felt better regarding some of the issues I deal with.
      
      
      My advice would be to do a change of address for you MIL so your SIL doesn't have the opportunity to collect her mail to dump on your doorstep once a year.

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3. 69

   lrohnerposted 14 years ago

   MM--So sorry you're going through this.... I have two suggestions for you:
   
   1) Print up a whole batch of labels to slap on top of her labels and send the mail back to her;
   
   2) Introduce her to my sister. I'm sure they will become best friends and she will leave you the heck alone.

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4. 75

   schoolgirlforrealposted 14 years ago

   Sorry you're going thru this MM
   I can tell you I know what you mean because I have people that are wacky and they drive me CRAZY!!!
   Get a inflatable bat and hit them over the head LOL

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5. 74

   Mighty Momposted 14 years ago

   I didn't mention part deux of this latest.
   The mail is not really all that awful -- although it is a twisted control thing. Who hangs onto their own mother's Christmas cards for a YEAR?
   
   The thing that is really upsetting is SIL is getting married.
   Naturally hubby and I are not invited (having been told verbatim "I never want to see you or my brother ever again"). That part is weird (since I had her as the maid of honor at our wedding -- oh well).
   But after neglecting her mother for over a year, seeing her exactly twice, she is now calling daily. She's trying to manipulate her mother into going to the wedding.
   She called the other day and asked to speak to MIL's caregiver.
   She said to the caregiver, "Did she get the invitation to my wedding? I want to make sure my brother didn't throw it away."
   This kind of accusation against my hubby, who is the most honorable person I know, makes me nuts.
   
   mega -- your suggestion is what I know I SHOULD do. I know that having this resentment is really dangerous for ME and I need to rid myself of it. I know she is a very, very sick person.
   I cannot,however, feel any compassion for her. She has done too many truly AWFUL things (including hauling her own mother into court so she could be "right" -- she lost).
   I know exactly what is wrong with her.
   I know that she at one point went to rehab but determined when she came out that she didn't have a problem with alcohol after all.
   All of this self-will run riot and destruction of everyone in her path is all too familiar.
   But you're right. The only option is to work on my end of it and do what I need to do to keep it from eating me alive.
   Thank God for Hub Pages!
   Thank you, friends!!!

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6. 75

   schoolgirlforrealposted 14 years ago

   hey! well, now that you mentioned this,
   I thought I might add a few...
   
   I got a 2 page letter from a "friend" in the mail telling me I'm a floozy and need to act like a nun to be a true Christian!
   Then I politely call her and leave a message to which she leaves me a 5 min message!!!!!!
   
   She said I was acting like God for correcting her and all this time I thought she was God for correcting me!
   
   Anyways it doesn't matter and I'm not mad. She aint worth it!!

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7. 69

   lrohnerposted 14 years ago

   MM--When I say that I feel your pain, trust me--I feel your pain. I've been there over and back and forwards and backwards. What you need to do is to get the bad karma out of your head and continue to walk away from her. Once she's in your head, she's won.
   
   Sending you good thoughts...

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8. 74

   Mighty Momposted 14 years ago

   Wackos and evil wackos come in all forms, I guess.
   That doesn't sound like much of a friend to me, SGFR.
   I guess I should count my blessings. No one gets on my case about whether I'm a "true Christian" or not!!!
   
   And yes, even though it is a bit hard to take your sagacity as seriously as usual with that goofy/evil pumpkin face (very cute, btw), you're absolutely right.
   Gotta kick her out of my head. That real estate is too expensive to be giving away for free.
   I know all this. I do.
   I really want revenge. But I know I'm better off taking the high road. *sigh*

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      schoolgirlforrealposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      I'm all for that! "kick her out of your head" ..........hmmm I wonder if we start another forum if people would have good "how to" suggestions!
      
      t/c MM

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9. 61

   CASE1WORKERposted 14 years ago

   sorry you are havin such a rotten time
   
   can the postal service redirect any of you mil letters before they go to your sil?
   
   stop getting mad it isnt worth it. If mil wants to go to the wedding I am sure that you will do everything in your power to arrange it and quietly sit in the car til its over
   
   Just try and relax and let the nastiness go over your head- at least you are not like it

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10. 0

    Kathryn LJposted 14 years ago

    Your SIL sounds like a right cow and what's more she knows you all well enough to push your buttons till you scream.  Rise above Mom rise above.  Your anger is oxygen for her spiteful schemes.  The less you re-act, the less she's won.  I have had such a relative, who made my life a misery until my first husband died.  Then the in-laws changed their phone numbers etc and refused to speak to me.  The relief was huge.  Reading your hurt and frustration was a real blast from the past.  All I can advise is to show no emotion, you and your husband have nothing to fear from this creature.  Actions really do speak louder than words.

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11. 68

    okmom23posted 14 years ago

    MM, so sorry this drama is still playing out and getting the best of you! Sil will not change, but how you react to her is the key. Still going through my own toxic moments with my Sis. Very, very difficult to ignore the nastiness at times. The best way to keep my sanity has been to let it go when the attacks happen. Believe me, I am an expert on grinding my teeth to keep from saying something I would regret. I figure, if I talk, she wins! If I keep quiet, it aggravates her. But that also, is her problem, not mine. Will keep you in my thoughts.

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12. 59

    666divineposted 14 years ago

    Put the gun down. People will only get to you if you let them.

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13. 60

    DRobinson63posted 14 years ago

    Sorry your having a hard time with your SIL. I was wondering if you had met her future husband and could he be a positive influence on her or is he just as bad as she is.

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14. 61

    vzenposted 14 years ago

    SIL sounds like a SOB, good luck with fam drama.

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15. 61

    RNMSNposted 14 years ago

    hello mighty mom
    what a dip SIL is
    nurse here says call MD/ASK for a social worker to help you/get APS invlved if your hubby agrees/your mother in laws energy and well being is more important than anything SIL is doing to you or your hubby and sounds as if shes causing huge emotional pain to all involved but mostly to her own mother
    what a jerkwagon!!! I love you/hang in there!! barbara b

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16. 73

    WryLiltposted 14 years ago

    Death is the only solution and why waste your life in jail for that?
    
    -From the person who has an evil MIL AND SIL!

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       Pcunixposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       Do you remember that song that went  something like "If I'd shot you then, I'd be out of jail by now"?
       
       

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       1. 73

          WryLiltposted 14 years agoin reply to this

          Hahahahaha, yes.

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          Dolores Monetposted 14 years agoin reply to this

          That was a great song and it went - 'if I killed her when I met her, I'd be out of jail by now.'

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17. 60

    pisean282311posted 14 years ago

    @mighty mom ...what is c-word?...coming to topic..well i can't comment without knowing entire thing so would restrain from commenting...
    
    @wrylit
    
    hey you should participate in competition of typing with one hand..hows your hand doing now?

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    1. 73

       WryLiltposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       The c-word is a four letter naughty word.
       
       My hand is sore and I did the dishes and it re opened but it's not bleeding.

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       1. 60

          pisean282311posted 14 years agoin reply to this

          oh i got it..actually there is another c-word which is more used in India so got confused...but strangely both mean the same
          
          hmmm...never mind you have one day to go...then doc wont allow u to do dishes

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          1. 73

             WryLiltposted 14 years agoin reply to this

             The doc is like my husband... can only try and tell me what to do.
             
             Tomorrow I have to visit friend in morning, take bub to party in arvo, doc on monday, exam tuesday, work wednesday & weekend. No time for rest.

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18. 82

    Rafiniposted 14 years ago

    How to deal with master manipulators?  Avoid them like the plague!  What if they're in your family?  Do your best to avoid them like the plague!
    
    Seriously, if you have no contact with them they'll have nothing to use against you, to manipulate you.  The worst part is when they involve someone else in order to manipulate you ('poisoning the well' - wedding invitation accusation) My advice?  Hold your head up high, laugh at the ridiculousness of the accusation (in front of the right witnesses - such as nursing home staff who're aware of the accusation) and continue on with your business. 
    
    As long as you've done nothing even remotely close to her accusations, you're free and clear.   (the best thing to do - make sure your MIL is making her own decisions)

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19. 93

    Dolores Monetposted 14 years ago

    Mom - the woman is obviously deranged - don't allow her to upset you, feel sorry for her but do not let her manipulate your emotions. If you become upset by her behavior, she wins. Just think - she is nothing.

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20. 61

    paradigmsearchposted 14 years ago

    

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21. 75

    ChristinaScibonaposted 14 years ago

    Aww I am sorry you are going through this...no one should have to put up with it....I hope that you get it all worked out soon!

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22. 69

    Healing Touchposted 14 years ago

    I agree.  She is just a fly on the wall. All you can do is control what you can control.  Do not let her win.  I just came back from a training I facilitated on healthy anger.  We all need to get angry, its just how we deal with it.
        Write a anger letter for her, but don't give it to her.  Just for the healing.
    
    Be gentle with yourself and buy yourself flowers
    Dont hook in to her crap, cuz it is hers
    Remember she obviously has issues
    
    HALT- When your Hungry, angry, lonely or tired, we are more likely to snap and make choices we regret later.  Just stop and know that she is that proverbial fly on the wall.
    
    Do hobbies you enjoy
    talk to us buddies on Hub Pages
    I hope it helps a bit.  Sorry you have to deal with this level of low concsciousness.
    Healing Touch

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23. 83

    Jaynie2000posted 14 years ago

    This is such a sad situation. I'm sure it's hard for your husband as well, as I assume she is is sister. I agree with those that suggest that all you can control is your own response to her craziness. If she knows she's getting to you, it makes her vendetta that much more enjoyable. If you don't respond, it takes the wind from her sails and makes her quest to hurt you so much less enjoyable. If she can't get what she is seeking out of the experience, it is likely to stop. Otherwise, I'd talk to the post office about what you might do to block anything that comes from her. You can also always change your email and phone numbers so that she can't contact you that way.
    
    I'm not sure what to say about explaining it to your M-I-L. Maybe that isn't your responsibility. If she can see what is going on, she can likely form her own opinions, assuming she is still of sound mind. Most mother's advice to their kids includes the old adage, "if you can't say something nice about someone, don't say anything at all." If you take that advice to heart, it seems like you are best to keep quiet. If she gets upset that her daughter doesn't come to see her and isn't more kind to you and your husband, it is up to her and her daughter to explore that behavior together. It might be best if you stayed out of it. It sounds like you're much more of a daughter to her than her own daughter, yet blood is blood, and it's likely best not to risk alienating her by opening being critical of her daughter (even though she obviously deserves it).
    
    I wish you the best of luck!

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24. 74

    Mighty Momposted 14 years ago

    The only thing that will put this finally to rest (although feelings will be residual) will be MIL's death. Not that I want her to die! Till then, everything we do for MIL is a reminder that the rest of the family, namely SIL, has dumped the responsibility on us. We accept it, but it can be overwhelming at times.
    Yes, I am more like MIL's daughter. Not a position I campaigned for. It just naturally occurred when her own daughter was so awful to her. As of now, MIL cannot stand to be around her own daughter. That's got to hurt -- although I'm certain MIL is in denial as to the cause. Hubby and I have turned her mother against her!!!!!
    
    It really helps to listen to other people who have been through similar situations. And people who "get it" and offer support.
    A giant thank you to everyone who has taken the time to post.
    I feel very loved!! MM

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25. 58

    Beege215eposted 14 years ago

    Something I think we missed.  Send her a thank you card. Tell her you appreciate her forwarding all the mail, and you are so glad that you can catch up on the old news.  Make it a very nice pretty card, one that conveys true emotions. They may not be your true emotions, but it should confound the heck out of her.  Better yet, call her on the phone and thank her in your best "sunday go to meeting" voice. No sarcasm allowed. Tell her you are so grateful that any problems you have had in the past are over.  She just may get so ticked off that you won't hear from her again.

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26. 68

    okmom23posted 14 years ago

    MM,
    I am so sorry to hear the aggravation continues.
    But, I am afraid your SIL is not going to change.
    We have a very similar situation and I know how unplesant it can
    feel!
    The only tactic which has helped me is knowing I have control of my reaction to each "episode" thrown my way.
    I hope you are documenting SIL's behavior.
    Take care of yourself!

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27. 60

    Nicole Breitposted 14 years ago

    Mighty Mom:
    Something I have recently learned which I hope is helpful to you: every family is psychotic! I think there is a book with that title. I tell you, it is true, and you are not alone.
    One of my friends has been dealing with her insane sister who actually told her that she wished her baby died so she could feel what pain was. She is obviously a bitter person, but how do you recover from that kind of crazy and cruel behaviour?
    We have all kinds of nonsense in our family, too. We try to incorporate a mental "circle of trust". We try to focus on our own family and think about what we want from the rest - christmas and birthdays? not even? We try not to waste time on the ones that don't have anything positive to contribute.
    If nothing else, please remember - you are not alone!

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28. 74

    Mighty Momposted 14 years ago

    Thank you, Nicole Breit.
    I believe there's a continuum of family insanity.
    Mine, for example, is neortic, but definitely not psychotic.
    My husband's has turned out to be full-on psychotic.
    But as time goes by without regular onslaughts by my sister-in-law we feel more in control of our lives.
    
    I must say, tho, that it feels really GREAT to know we're not alone. Hub Pages is an amazing support system!
    So thanks!  MM

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