Married for the kids?

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   katiem2posted 13 years ago

   How many married couples do you think are truly happy?
   
   Are you a married person who has remained in an unhappy union?
   
   Do you know someone who's remained in an unhappy union?
   
   If so why?

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      alexandriaruthkposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      I just think that happiness comes within you and not dependent in a relationship for that matter!

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         katiem2posted 13 years agoin reply to this

         You can never expect to find your individual happiness at the hand of another.
         
         The question is this, many people enter marriage for the wrong reasons, and amoung those people, how many stay and live with the mistake?

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   LeanManposted 13 years ago

   I did 10 years hard labour for the "sake of the kids"... Then I realised I was wasting my life....

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      katiem2posted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Good for you, I honestly feel the kids are NOT better off if a couple is miserable together... 

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3. 82

   Rafiniposted 13 years ago

   Oh my.  What an interesting question.
   
   If and when people get married for the wrong reasons I think they will remain married (longer) for the wrong reasons.  I know I married for the wrong reasons & stayed married for 10 years until I:
   
   1. Realized I didn't love him - and that I didn't truly know what love was
   2. Accepted I was being abused
   3. Acknowledged my kids were living in an abusive home
   4. Understood my fighting back didn't stop me from being abused
   5. Determined my best option was to get a divorce
   
   Reasons are different for everyone, as to why they remain in an unhappy marriage....

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      katiem2posted 13 years agoin reply to this

      FANTASTIC and POWERFUL answer.  Thanks so much as I KNOW you've helped a lot of people who will read this.   Peace

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4. 84

   donotfearposted 13 years ago

   I'm one of those that stayed married 'for the kids'......only thing is, staying married 'for the kids' damaged them more than leaving would have done!  Stayed in that farce of a ridiculous marriage for 12 years. Married the guy, who was 10 yrs older, had a baby right off the bat (I already had a son from a former marriage..he had a son & daughter). What a nightmare. I was too emotionally immature to handle it in the first place.  He was verbally abusive to my son, who eventually moved away to my Mom's because of him. Then he had my daughter so dependent on him, she didn't want to do anything without him. Needless to say, when I finally got the guts to say "F*** you, YOU move out, my son is living with me & if you don't like it, cram it!" (His mouth dropped open 3 inches) my poor kids were already damaged by his toxic views & personality, as well as myself.
   
   I wish I'd had the self esteem and courage to leave earlier. Better yet, I wish I had made better choices because my kids paid for my mistake.
   
   Oh, my son is doing well now at age 32, but suffered from a severe social phobia for years. He still struggles with it now, but he has recognized the causes and feels good about himself.
   
   As for my daughter, she's still living with her Dad at age 28 in a codependent relationship raising my 4 yr old grandson. She's suffered from addiction, depression, and many other problems.  And yes, I blame myself for much of it. Not the choices she makes now, but the crap I put her through that subjected her to the type molding that created it.
   
   Now, I'll take a deep breath and .......

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      katiem2posted 13 years agoin reply to this

      You did it and that's all that matters, Imagine those who are still in such positions and staying.
      
      I'm impressed with you and appreciate your contributions to this thread, you've made it stronger, better and more helpful
      
      Peace

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   Spacey Graceyposted 13 years ago

   What a good question. I got married at 21. We've been married for nearly 7 years, but been together for 12 years. There have definitely been tough times when we have stayed together 'for the kids'. In the last couple of years family & health problems had made life tough, and we weren't getting on, and if it had just been us then I think we would've split. But when I imagined trying to explain to the kids why we weren't together anymore, the reasons sounded pretty weak, so we toughed it out, and I'm really glad we did.
   
   I think our marriage is pretty normal, with good and bad bits, and its surprising what a marriage can get through. But I can completely understand that for some there comes a point where the benefit to the kids of having two parents in the same home, does not out-weigh the personal cost for those adults.
   
   Other people sharing their stories is really helpful for young couples. I honestly only remember my Mum and Dad arguing once in my whole life. My Grandad swears he and my Nan never had a cross-word, and I can believe it. This freaked me out when my husband and I started having rows about whose turn it was to do the ironing. Then I read other people's tales of infedelity and domestic abuse, and remember how lucky I am.
   
   Sorry to waffle - the glass of wine in me clearly took over at some point.

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      katiem2posted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Nope your contribution is a great one and one a bet many will relate to.  Thank You for sharing and I hope you all the happiness life can bring from here on out!  Peace

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   Kathryn LJposted 13 years ago

   My first marriage lasted 23 years, until the death of my husband.  There were times when we really had to work hard on the relationship and yes the kids were a big factor in keeping us together through the darkest days.  I can't help thinking that people use the kids as an excuse not to terminate a relationship that they know is toxic.  Walking away can be a brave step.

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      katiem2posted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Nice, I agree with the brave step, kids suffer from fighting and people really don't have to do that much. I once knew someone who said "everybody fights and yells on a daily basis right?"  WOW what denial!  I hope not...
      
      Peace

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   donotfearposted 13 years ago

   Being married is just plain hard, with or without kids. I've been with current hubby 12 years, no kids at home. We share grandkids & have had some conflict over them, but not serious.
   
   Our biggest hurdle was fighting our differences. All marriages have them. You just have to concentrate on the similarities between you instead of the differences. Difference causes division but a common denominator can bridge the gap. And if you have a hard time finding any similarities, think about what you married for in the the first place.
   
   Sometimes we don't even like each other...heck, it hasn't been that long that we were really far apart in spirit. So far, in fact, I considered going it alone again. But miracles DO happen. Good books like 'The Five Love Languages', using common courtesy, and being aware of how you come across to your mate can open the door to a new beginning.

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      katiem2posted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Smiling now, thanks

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