The Effects Of Remarriages

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   Woman Of Courageposted 13 years ago

   When a man have been married multiple times, what kind of behavior and baggages will he bring to a new marriage?

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      Chaotic Chicaposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      All of it.

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         Chaotic Chicaposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         Seriously, if he has been married more than twice, you have GOT to ask why.  He may talk smooth and say all the right things but you have to be smart enough to read between the lines and pay attention to his actions.  The first time it may have been her, mayyybee he could have really bad taste and chose poorly on number two but it does, or should, make you look at him, too.

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      Lisa HWposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      It probably depends on whether he was the jerk in the first marriage, his wife was the jerk in the first marriage, both of them were a couple of jerks in general, or they were two perfectly fine people who just happened to marry the wrong person.   

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   3. 89

      gracenotesposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Multiple marriages for a man means multiple opportunities for him to compare you (his current wife) to past wives.  The past marriage partners look better to him as time goes by.  It's a matter of him re-framing his past marital experiences.  This often happens if those past marriages ended in divorce.  If he's a widower two times over, maybe it wouldn't be as bad.  Depends on the guy.
      
      I was certainly in a peculiar situation, as I thought I was marrying a man with one divorce.  I found out after I got married that he had a brief rebound marriage that lasted about 4 months. The less said about that, the better.
      
      At least my husband let up on the wife comparisons as time went on.  But he never let up on criticizing my mother. 
      
      Also, if there are kids from the prior marriages, everything is more complicated for everyone.

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         wychicposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         Amen! It's impossible to compete with memories, they can be taken out at will and always behave. I'm glad to hear that the previous wife comparisons let up for you...in two years, the comparisons to my husband's second wife have diminished except when he's angry at me. Luckily there have never been comparisons to the first wife...good thing too, you compare me to a cheating wife and I might just leave you to find someone who deserves the comparison.
         
         Other than that...there are a lot of old habits that die hard, and I've noticed this from both my husband's previous marriages and from my previous marriage. They were both materialistic, and his second wife often got angry at him for stating his honest opinions then gave him the silent treatment whenever something bothered her. He obviously remembers that I don't do the silent treatment, but he tends to forget how frustrated he got whenever someone didn't tell him what the problem is at the time that I voice any issues. We've also had some issues with him giving me the answers he thinks I want rather than the real answers, which has caused some issues, but he's slowly realizing that I'm not her and I REALLY DO want to hear his opinion. I may not like what he has to say, but I'll never get angry at him for telling me the truth. For me, I got so used to being treated like a possession or a child in the last marriage that it's been difficult to take the initiative in decision-making, and still ask permission before buying grocery items...but, with time, that's going away too.
         
         So to answer the question...a lot of baggage comes with it, but if it's the right person then it's worth working through all the junk. Relationships weren't meant to be easy, and that extra baggage may likely make it extra-rough in some aspects for a while, but over time -- if both people are willing to continue actively working on the issues -- it will smooth out and middle ground can be found.

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            gracenotesposted 13 years agoin reply to this

            Wychic,
            
            I'm not married to my husband any more, but I'm glad that you are willing to work through the issues you have.  We do tend to assume that a present partner harbors the same insecurities as one we are more familiar with, and it takes time to get rid of those old assumptions.
            
            Our divorce was pretty civil and amicable, or as amicable as could be expected under the circumstances.  A husband with a prior divorce can also assume that everything will proceed precisely the way it happened with his first divorce.  That your reactions will be the same and that you'll understand everything about the break-up the same way the former spouse did.  Not so!

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      SweetJoyposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Well... It depends on how an individual feels in a result of that he/she does not know what love means. He/she should read the book about the Five Love of Languages.

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   SomewayOuttaHereposted 13 years ago

   ..i don't know...i'm not into marrying someone who has been married more times than me....i'm on no. 5 and i've no baggage.... honestly...I say 'just make sure you bring your cheque book'....I've never done anything wrong in any of my marriages btw...it's the guy's fault for sure!

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   klarawieckposted 13 years ago

   The answer to that question is in a song by The Eagles...
   "Four that wanna own me, Two that wanna stone me, One says she's a friend of mine" ♪♫♪♫

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      SomewayOuttaHereposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      ha ha....that's so fitting......i better get that song for myself...and play it every time I have the inkling of going on a date......

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   habeeposted 13 years ago

   My hubby brought no baggage - no kids, and his exes are far, far away.

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