Are you prepared for the worst?

1. 77

   Escobanaposted 11 years ago

   I wonder often why so many adopted children, go off to find their roots. Tv shows, documentaries and movies often show the romantic side of their search.
   
   I am adopted and never searched for my roots yet. I'm 38 and happy with my life and adoptive parents.
   
   Do adopted children realize they might not be welcomed as the long lost child, getting rejected all over again?

   replyreport
   1. 62

      prettydarkhorseposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Hi, perhaps there is this yearning and feeling inside them that they want to find their roots, to at least know their biological roots that's it!
      
      Not all adopted children are lucky to have a loving and adoptive parents!

      replyreport
      1. 77

         Escobanaposted 11 years agoin reply to this

         Even if they have loving adoptive parents, most of them will look for their roots anyway. Of course.
         
         I understand the yearning but I wonder if it gets them some peace of mind, instead of walking around with new and difficult questions about their new found roots.
         
         Knew found knowledge isn't necessarily a change for the better. I know this from having watched the struggles of my adopted brother. He found his whole Colombian family 15 years ago and still cries his heart out for being rejected by his biological mother, as the only child in that family.
         
         Some peace of mind he did get from it but I don't see him any happier for knowing his roots.

         replyreport
         1. 62

            prettydarkhorseposted 11 years agoin reply to this

            Some found peace and some still have some questions unanswered. I know somebody who finally found her biological mom after 7 years of searching and they have a new hopeful relationship now.

            replyreport
            1. 77

               Escobanaposted 11 years agoin reply to this

               That's really great!. I'm glad she did and was even able to build a relationship. It makes the whole search of finding your roots worth the ride.
               
               I'm sure a lot of adopted children find the whole journey worth it in some way, even if the answers provoke more questions along the way.

               replyreport
2. 60

   Disturbiaposted 11 years ago

   I think it has a lot to do with finding out who you are.  You want to know who you look like, what part of the world do your people come from?  Why you have a certain talent?  It's about knowing yourself better. 
   
   Why were you given up for adoption?  Were your parents killed, were they just children themselves and unable to care for you, or something altogether different.  Your mother might even have been a woman who got paid to have you for another childless couple.  Maybe your birth parents are looking for you too? The questions are legion. How could you not be curious? 
   
   Many older children already know their parents and were removed from unsafe environments and placed in foster care.  Eventually, they are either reunited with a rehabilitated parent or if the parent is truly a lost cause, they can be adopted into another permanent family. But they know they are adopted and they have already had experience with their birth parents. 
   
   It's different with an infant who has never known their parents and wasn't consulted about their adoptive family. I would want to know, good or bad, but I would always prepare myself for the worst. Loving parents with a good support system just don't give their babies up for adoption, so you know you're not going to find your parents were Prince and Princess Charming.

   replyreport
   1. 77

      Escobanaposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      I agree with the fact that adopted children will want to find out who they are. Where they come from. Makes a lot of sense.
      
      In my case I already know my parents were too young and very poor. Born in Bogotá, Colombia. A city with 6 million people nowadays. Most of them poor, living in dangerous areas.
      
      I can't be more grateful to the both of them, for having given me the oppurtunity to live a better life, with two loving parents who gave me everything I needed to grow up and be independent.
      
      To find out who I was, never was a big deal to me, if I thought of my background and the relationship it had to it. There's always a certain curiousity but finding out who I was, was much more related to other major issues in my life.
      
      I wrote three Hubs about the reasons why I'm not looking for my roots yet and how come I am forever grateful to my biological mother. Giving up your own flesh and blood, to me is the ultimate act of motherlove. 'She' gave me a better life.
      
      But my story is just one out of many others. Everyone has their own reasons to look for their roots or not. I advise adopted children to be realistic about their hopes and opening up a whole new chapter in life.

      replyreport
3. 66

   Pearldiverposted 11 years ago

   Everyone (sane) at some point in their life realizes that they have a need to be honest with themselves and that also drives the urge to seek out one's roots. 'Reality' TV is generally a fabricated exercise to create income from those who are yet to realize the importance of the need to be honest.
   I have seen positives to this in real life and also examples of the negativity that comes from a second rejection.. in the last example of being rejected by a birth mother resulted in a suicide!
   
   Excellent thread subject btw.

   replyreport
   1. 77

      Escobanaposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Second rejection seems like the worst case scenario to me if you are hoping to find the same romantic encounters we see on TV.
      
      There's a really good show on these searches in Holland and they did change their way of bringing the story. It's very realistic and because of seeing an example of second rejection, last episode, I thought of this question because it intrigues me so much.
      
      I have to be really honest here...I am postpponing my own search for several reasons but one if them is the fact that knowing a knew kind of truth will always be there, untill I die. Whether this is good or bad.
      
      I prefer for now to imagine some very beautiful possible scenario....

      replyreport
4. 59

   Leaderofmanyposted 11 years ago

   I have a lot to say about this issue and have written about it greatly. I was adopted and I did find my birth family. I am not saying that this is true for everyone, but it is the case for me. I was adopted at the age of 4 so I had memories of my family. I never felt like I fit into the family I was adopted into. I always wondered what happen to the family that abandoned me and why? I felt I was a child that belonged nowhere. I searched for the answers until I found them. I will say it is nothing like tv and it is also a blessing. I know who I am, where I came from, and why I was given up. All those questions that I ask for so many years are now answered. Yet I still feel like I am a child that belongs no where. Each person has to discover on their own what they are looking for, if its the love from the birth parent/s they may not find it or are they just searching for answers. I have my answers and I also found some good and some not so good out of the answers I wanted.

   replyreport
   1. 77

      Escobanaposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      What strikes me most in your comment is the fact that you still feel like a child that belongs no where.
      
      I feel the same way. My adoptive parents are wonderful but they were never able to really understand me. A matter of cultural differences and a generation conflict.
      
      However my sense if being all alone in this world, not belonging anywhere, also gave me the feeling of being able to feel at home anywhere. The travels I made on my own, the change to Spain and my wish to move to Brazil, comes from the same kind of feeling.
      
      I can make my own life, anywhere I want to, feeling completely at home with people I never knew before. A world citizen I feel due to a certain loneliness that is with me deep down inside, since the day I was born.

      replyreport
5. 92

   peeplesposted 11 years ago

   I think the main reason is to seek answers. While not quite the same, I was in foster care. When I aged out the system I seeked out my parents even though they were/are horrible people. No one seemed to understand. For me I just had a lot of why's I need answered. Even if I would have been lucky enough to get adopted I think I still would have needed those answers.

   replyreport
   1. 77

      Escobanaposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Answers to many questions I assume. Even though it's a little different, we all want to know who we are.
      
      Some do by finding their roots. I did by travelling through life and by travelling through myself to find the real me.  And I sure did:-)

      replyreport
6. 79

   Mighty Momposted 11 years ago

   I can understand the impulses -- both romantic and practical -- to find your birth family. For me, the main interest I have had is in learning my medical legacy. When I was adopted the records were sealed. My adoptive parents either had little curiosity or it simply wasn't done back then to take a full medical history.
   It's hard when asked things like history of breast cancer, heart disease, etc. in my family and having to admit "don't know."
   There are some remnants in me of diseases I can extrapolate back that one or both parents must have had and the circumstances of my birth more or less bear that out.
   
   My adoptive dad and I did make an attempt to find out more about my circumstances but those records -- they are SEALED (and guarded by NUNS!).
   
   Took that as a sign from God to let sleeping dogs lie.
   Is it my place to track some poor woman in her 70s (if even alive) down and impose myself on her over a decision she made 50+ years ago?
   I don't want to be responsible for her heart attack/guilt attack.
   
   That's my take and I know it's not the usual one.
   MM

   replyreport
   1. 77

      Escobanaposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      I like how you also think in the consequences of that woman in her 70s. If she is alive, the impact on her life might be as big as it is on yours.
      
      Not everyone is able to think in the effects on both sides of finding your roots. I am certain my medical condition is passed on through one of my parents. Or maybe both.
      
      In Holland you can do a test, to find out if breast cancer is a hereditary disease, in case you are adopted and don't know anything.
      
      Interesting how you took the failed attempt as a sign from God. I can totally imagine, a sign of some kind will help you to leave the past for what it is.
      
      I thank God every day for being adopted, alive and kicking and I'll ask him for a whole lot of strenght if I would ever dare to search for my roots.
      
      Thanks for commenting MM:-)

      replyreport
   2. 60

      Disturbiaposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      I agree with you insofar as I wouldn't want to make actual contact with my birth parents either, but I would most definately track them down and find out as much as possible about them, their families, relations, and all the familial and genological history that could be found.
      
      I think it would become a very great obsession for me, whereby I would let nothing, even sealed records and nuns stand in my way.  I would hire private investigators and lawyers, make donations, contributations, and even bribes if need be to find out my history and background.
      
      My father passed away when I was just a baby and my mother when I was eleven.  I spent years in foster care because no one in my father's family wanted anything to do with me. They all thought I was too wild and a troublemaker.  Looking back, they were probably right.
      
      I was able, as an adult, to obtain a great deal of information about my mother's family, including that a great many of them were either psychic or mentally ill. My paternal grandmother, had an ancient family bible in which was recorded all the births, marriages, and deaths of  generations of my father's family. Some years ago, I made contact with one of my father's sisters who showed me the bible and carefully pointed out to me that my name as well as my mother's had been omitted.  Grandmother's serious dislike for my mother was carried over to me as well and mom and I were purposefully left out of the book. That aside, it was beyond interesting for me to get all my dad's family history.  There were pictures and important documents as well.  I get my good skin and my physical stature from my mother, but my redhair and my facial features could come from nowhere else but my father's family which is just chock full of redheads. In a bazaar trick of either karma or genetics, I am the spitting facial image of my father's mother, the woman who hated me and my mother.  I'm not sure if the trick was played on her, or me.

      replyreport