Wounded

1. 65

   healinghands1668posted 10 years ago

   I have been hurt by my significant other, whom I love dearly. ...I believe in forgiveness in a relationship...but I do wonder how much hurt I should be willing to put up with before I get out for my own well-being.
   
   He and I have known each other a long time. We were friends long before we were lovers. I am not willing to lose him from my life, so if I do leave him as a lover...how do I do so in a way that doesn't destroy our friendship?

   replyreport
   1. 88

      Cardisaposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      Wow, the two of you would have to be willing to remain friends. You would need to put behind any bitterness and ill-will. If you leave him, though he hurt you, he may not take it so well and you have to be prepared for that.
      
      You both need to sit down and talk about the next step in the relationship. He has to understand where you are coming from, where you are now and where you are headed.
      
      I hope he wants to remain friends as well because male egos are hell to contend with and his pride may get in the way.
      
      Also, can you honestly remain friends with someone who hurt you so bad that want to end the intimate part of the relationship? That's a question you need to answer honestly.

      replyreport
      1. 65

         healinghands1668posted 10 years agoin reply to this

         Well, perhaps a little more context is in order. He has not hurt me by being selfish or cruel or uncaring. He suffers from depression, and sometimes that makes him behave in ways that are not in character. Sometimes, it leads him to withdraw for long periods of time. I am not unsympathetic to that, and I honestly do not mind giving him space if that is what he needs. What has hurt me this time is he has made no attempt to contact me and let me know what is going on, or answer my calls or messages or anything like that. It was only by contacting a friend of his that I learned what was going on.
         
         Right now, he's still withdrawn, and so I have to wait for him to reach out to me before I discuss anything with him anyway. But I think I would really need some assurance from him that a.) he still wants me in his life and b.) that next time he feels the need to withdraw, he at least answers one or two messages to tell me so.
         
         I want him to know that I am always here when he needs me, but if I am his lover, I need to be treated as such.

         replyreport
         1. 88

            Cardisaposted 10 years agoin reply to this

            Now that's different.
            
            If he's depressed, now is not a good time to even talk about leaving him. He needs you now more than ever. He is in no state of mind to tell you whether or not he needs you in his life.
            
            As someone who suffered decades of depression, I can tell you that he will withdraw from the people he loves the most because he is trying to avoid hurting you.
            
            So I think you should keep reaching out. Instead of looking for reassurance, you should reassure him that you are there.
            
            If you withdraw from him now, he may never recover. He may think you and all the world is against him. Depressed people DO NOT think rationally and to you it may not make sense. Give him time and love him. Go to him, show him you are still there for him.....
            
            That is, unless you just can't bother.

            replyreport
            1. 65

               healinghands1668posted 10 years agoin reply to this

               I can certainly bother. But it is hard to endure the weeks of silence. I have not suffered depression myself, but I am a long time sufferer of anxiety, and this silence has frayed me.
               
               But thank you for the advice. I am worried that my anxieties may prompt me to say or do the wrong thing.
               
               I also worry about whether I should be reaching out or stepping back...

               replyreport
               1. 88

                  Cardisaposted 10 years agoin reply to this

                  I don't think you should step back. He may think you are stepping back from him or some weird irrational thought. Staying close will help him heal.
                  
                  December 15, 2005 my boyfriend at the time told me some nasty stuff. I felt alone and shattered. I tried to kill myself. He blamed himself. If he knew my state of mind he would have been more careful about what he said.
                  
                  Please be patient with him and try not to be too anxious bout him.

                  replyreport
                  1. 65

                     healinghands1668posted 10 years agoin reply to this

                     I'll do my best. But trying to tell someone with an anxiety disorder not to be anxious is like telling someone with depression not to be depressed.

                     replyreport
                     1. 88

                        Cardisaposted 10 years agoin reply to this

                        lol, sorry about that

                        replyreport
                     2. 89

                        savvydatingposted 10 years agoin reply to this

                        That's a tough situation. Both of you are suffering--he from depression and you from anxiety. It's not a good mix. Have you sought a doctor to look into anti-anxiety medication? It is actually quite helpful! You might also want to seek professional counseling about your feelings regarding this situation. Before you can help the man you love, you have to help yourself. In other words, you have to see your way clearly and believe in what you stand for and what you need. It sounds like your lover is not intentionally hurting you. He probably does not feel deserving of reaching out because he fears he will fail you again.... and again. He needs your caring, but not at the expense of your well being. Just take care of yourself first. Then you will be in a better position to decide how best to help him. Best of luck to you, sweet one.

                        replyreport
                        1. 65

                           healinghands1668posted 10 years agoin reply to this

                           Yeah, he and I are a fun pair of neurotics. He really is a wonderful man, though.

                           replyreport
                           1. 89

                              savvydatingposted 10 years agoin reply to this

                              I have no reason to doubt that he is a caring man. And I don't think you are nuerotic. You have anxiety. There is excellent medicine for this condition, and you don't have to suffer from anxiety anymore. You can fix it. Good luck to you.

                              replyreport
   2. 81

      dashingscorpioposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      It's unrealistic to expect to go from being lovers to instant "platonic friends" (as in being like siblings). Someone usually is secretly yearning for the possibility of getting back together. You can't get to second base if you insist on keeping one foot on first base.
      
      You're not ready to be platonic friends until you can (honestly) be happy for your ex when he dates or falls in love with someone else.
      
      The best friendships between exes usually take place after months or years of (not being in contact) and both people have found new love. They may bump into each other someplace and from then on occasionally drop one another an email or send an e-greeting card on birthdays and build a solid platonic friendship from there on. You can't help someone get over you and they can't help you get over them! That's what your other friends are for!
      
      As for how much you should put up with? Life is a personal journey. Each of us gets to have our own "deal breakers". You are responsible for your own happiness. If you're unhappy in a relationship and choose to stay then (you) are choosing to be unhappy. No one is stuck with anyone.
      
      People change when (they) want to change. Accept him as is or move on?
      There are only two ways to experience joy and peace of mind in relationships: we either get what we want or we learn to be happy with what we have.
      
      Best wishes!

      replyreport