Would you let her?

1. 67

   lrohnerposted 14 years ago

   My 21 year old daughter is home from college for the summer. She started dating someone she's known for years. He's 24 and is headed into the military in September. His parents, evidently, not only don't mind, but welcome, their son sleeping with whoever he pleases in their home, as she stays there almost every night.
   
   I have a problem with my unmarried daughter bringing someone home and sleeping with them in my house. But I can't tell her what to do since she is a legal adult. The end result is that his parents are getting the joy out of my daughter's company for the summer and I'm left in the dust because I won't let him sleep over.
   
   What would you do?

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      ryankettposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Go with what you believe and state that he is welcome around to your house at any time but that if he wishes to stay round for the night then he must sleep on the sofa/spare room. Just say that you feel that it is disrespectful for her to expect you to allow him into her room, irrespective of what she says would take place. She is not going to cut you out of her life for it, just make it clear that he is welcome over whenever he wants for dinner or whatever - but that you do not care what she does when she leaves the house as it is none of your business. When she is in your house however it is your business as you need to feel comfortable in your own home. Im sure she would bring her boyfriend around just as long as you made it clear that he is welcome to visit.
      
      I notice that you are a single mother. Imagine if she had a father living at your home, fathers are much more protective (generally) than mothers.... so her boyfriend should feel thankful that he is not going to get interrogated every time he meets you. 
      
      Stand your ground with your own principles in your own house, and completely forget about things that may be happening outside of your house. As like you said, she is 21, so her business is her business when you are not directly affected.
      
      Just my personal opinion of course.

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         ryankettposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         Oh and thats straight from the mouth of a 24 year old male by the way!

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      kmackey32posted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Ya know I am 33 and my mother still would have something to say about me sleeping in the same bed with my husband at her house. Besides I would feel too weird to even do that.....

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2. 67

   Ms Chievousposted 14 years ago

   Nope stick to your guns about not letting her have sleepovers!  It doens't matter that this guy is going to the military.  If you let her do it now then she will want to bring over the next guy she dates for  the night.  It would be setting a bad precedent.  Sorry she is not spending more time with you.  Maybe you can invite them both over for  pizza nad movie at your house some evenings?  Or maybe you and her could go shopping together??

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3. 58

   AsherKadeposted 14 years ago

   I agree with MS Chievious....

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4. 61

   Jane@CMposted 14 years ago

   Yep, stick to your guns.  I would do the same.  I would invite them to dinner & breakfast to try and share good quality time together.

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   HealthCare Basicsposted 14 years ago

   Keep to your rule about not having sleepovers. I did the same thing with my daughters as they grew up and tried to test the waters. She will eventually thank you and respect you for keeping your rules..............

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6. 78

   bgpappaposted 14 years ago

   Your house, your rules.
   
   But invite them over as well.  For dinner, family outings, etc.  Your rules are that crazy or outside the norm, so stick to your guns

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7. 0

   isis_dreams2002posted 14 years ago

   I agree with bgpappa its the way to go

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8. 76

   Eaglekiwiposted 14 years ago

   Yep I agree with everyone on this one my friend ,but its does feel so unfair at the time.
   
   Ive been there and while I knew I was doing the right thing (by me) it took some courage as his siblings were young and didnt understand why their big brother didnt/couldnt  stay in his own home.
   
   Its tough , but also a phase.
   
   Look at the alternative , if she and her beau were staying in your home , theyd probably only have time for each other anyway , and youd still feel a bit like leftovers.
   No use this time to keep yourself strong and happy.
   
   My gut feeling is that you and your daughter will become much closer later on and almost inseparable ,so hang tight.

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      lrohnerposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Thanks, Kiwi. Your advice is always right on target.

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9. 67

   lrohnerposted 14 years ago

   Thanks all for your advice. I feel much better knowing that I'm not the only one who thinks this way.
   
   I do go on shopping trips or to the movies with her every now and again and have had the occasional breakfast/dinner with them together, and he knows he's always welcome here. It's great quality time, but I do feel like I've lost the summer with her that I was hoping for.  You're right though, it is her life, not mine!

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      Pamda Manposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      You all say you only need quality time. It's so wrong. No matter the quality, quantity is what everybody needs. Invite them to come over but declare some rules to the guy. It's your home.
      
      I didn't bother to read the whole page of words. So, enjoy your quantity time!

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    blue dogposted 14 years ago

    agree with everyone else here, lrohner.  even if she were paying rent and her meals, there are still house rules.

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11. 57

    Melissa Petersposted 14 years ago

    I think this is a very difficult situation but you are doing the right thing. Your daughter should respect your wishes, your rules and your home. Ultimately...I think she will realize what she has done by seperating herself from you. In the mean time, I would suggest inviting them "out" somewhere or over for dinner etc. in the evenings, that way you still get to see her but you don't have to condone the behavior.

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    Mishaposted 14 years ago

    So, you think sex is bad.

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13. 61

    BrianFanslauposted 14 years ago

    I agree stick to your guns! I've been there and done that (as the guy when I used to be engaged) ((part of the reason why I'm no longer engaged)) Be firm and let her know that she is loved and always welcome but make sure she knows that lovingly you disaprove of her actions. This will put you at ends and I'm sure you have had fights about it or maybe that was just me and my mom. But people grow up and they mature some of us have to learn the hard way until we learn to learn from others experiences without making the mistakes ourselves.

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