What Would You Do?

1. 61

   Alessia Amnesiaposted 14 years ago

   Well, to start off with, let me give you some background information.
   
   I'm 20 years old. I was raped when I was 14 years old and, although I enjoy having sex, I DO have some insecurities and fears about it from time to time.
   
   My boyfriend is a few years older. He was married at one point. His ex-wife cheated on him while he was in Iraq and he has insecurities about trust. He also has a gambling addiction.
   
   For the last few months, I haven't been able to have sex. I've been having nightmares. My boyfriend gets upset because I just don't want to talk about them. He thinks I'm having sex with another man even though I don't even know any other men. He gets upset, runs off to the casino, and blows all our money.
   
   The other night, we sat down and I forced myself to talk about the nightmares. He yelled at me and told me it was all a crock of bullsh*t while I sat there, sobbing. He told me to find a new place to live.
   
   Last night, he handed me a letter apologizing and asking me to marry him in a few years when his son gets older.
   
   Well, I'm scared and I don't know what to do. He has been my everything for so long, but I dislike not being trusted.
   
   Please help. What would you do?

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   1. 0

      cosetteposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      i wouldn't marry anyone who treated me that way. he forced you into breaking your silence, then he called it bullsh*t when you talked (after he pressured you), while you were weeping, then told you to move out?!!!!!!!!
      
      i'd kick him out or sever the relationship.
      
      you asked.

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   2. 61

      DogSiDaedposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      I think this is a question that really only you can provide the answer to. For any real help, talk to a close friend, or maybe a mutual friend. Obviously we don't know you that well, or him.
      
      However, if I was you, I would tell him to go f**k himself.

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   3. 0

      Justine76posted 14 years agoin reply to this

      go to a counselor if you can. This does not sound like a healthy relationship. You need more support and understanding, then he seems able to give right now, and your in no place to “fix” him either. Your better off alone, and healthy.

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   4. 61

      tantrumposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Nobody knows better than you, what you have to do.
      
      It's very difficult to give advice if I don't know both of you.
      
      if you really don't know what to do, seek professional advice.

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2. 84

   donotfearposted 14 years ago

   Based on the information you have supplied, he doesn't sound like good marriage material. As a matter of fact, he comes across as selfish & unfeeling of your emotional needs. Please reconsider continuing a relationship with him. Don't hesitate to speak to a professional about your other issue. It's something that won't go away unless it's brought out, revealed and dealt with. Please talk to a professional or someone close & objective to the situation. You are too wonderful to allow yourself to be humilitated any more!

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3. 0

   Kenrick Chatmanposted 14 years ago

   If I were you (and a woman of course), I will find another boyfriend.

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4. 67

   Ms Chievousposted 14 years ago

   dump the boyfriend and get yourself into therapy...

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5. 0

   cosetteposted 14 years ago

   Alessia, this goes way beyond not trusting you. he forced you to talk about something very painful to you then attacked you for it. i think that is like emotional extortion or something. in any case, it is damaging. if you decide to stay with him, tell him how you feel and if he really wants to marry you, he will go with you to couples counseling. better to get things resolved before you marry and children come along.
   
   good luck kid.

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   1. 0

      Justine76posted 14 years agoin reply to this

      ugh.....Yes!!!!!! BEFORE CHILDREN!!!!

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6. 78

   kirstenblogposted 14 years ago

   Based on the picture you paint of this guy he does not sound healthy and neither does the relationship I hate to say
   I can relate, I was once in a very unhappy and unhealthy relationship that I kept trying to make work for reasons that sound a lot like 'he is my everything' but were really 'I am scared to stand on my own two feet alone'. Its a shame cause standing on my own two feet is something I really value having learned and wish I had not been so scared as it might have saved me time. I don't know if this is going to resonate with you and if not then ignore me but if it does resonate there is a good chance that staying with him will be a kind of unhappy prison. Just my opinion, as a total stranger

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7. 56

   creepyposted 14 years ago

   i try to never take things seriously or use punctuation but if i were you i would leave in a hurry

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8. 62

   SandyMcCollumposted 14 years ago

   Sometimes we are pushed into things we don't really want for ourselves, and then when we find we can do it alone, it's not so scary anymore. He may be your everything, but ppl here are speaking truths. He's way too selfish to be able to keep a life long relationship right now. Maybe in those few years when his son is older, but, why is he putting you on hold that long? Later it will be right for him to be engaged to you... later...
   
   Your hurt may subside, but it will happen again. How dare he force you to draw on secret, private things like that and then slam you for it. I can't imagine what kind of parent he is, or will be when the kids have emotional troubles.
   
   Ditch him, honey. You can do much better!

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9. 59

   Gregg Biancciposted 14 years ago

   I think that issues on both sides of the fence merit counseling, so at best those should be discussed at length.

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   1. 0

      Justine76posted 14 years agoin reply to this

      yes
      from experience...2 people with uncared for issues, can not help each other.

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10. 80

    H.C Porterposted 14 years ago

    I am not sure if anyone will like my answer to your question, but it is an option for consideration.
    Although his words hurt, when he reacted-I hate to say it but people, when they dont know how to console someone either react in anger or with humor (if he has a gambling addiction-my guess is he has some coping issues-and leans towards anger and mistrust when he is uneasy about a situation). Just an opinion based on experience.
    If you know that you 'love' him and you can see yourself being with him, if he can get over his trust issues- tell him you want to marry him, but feel like both he and you need to see a councilor(therapist-but dont use the word therapist or shrink-men tend to take the defense 'I'm not crazy-you are) to make sure that you both move forward in your relationship together-as one, because there is no use in beginning a new chapter in life if the last one had issues that are lingering.
    If he says no- I would consider terminating the relationship-when you are ready. If he agrees- you need to take the steps and set up the apointment and follow through.
    Either way-you need therapy. You have to talk about your experience to come to terms with it-or it will destroy you. I tell you this from experience. I was raped by my best friend- and had a child from the experience. I wont go into detail-but if you want to read about it I have a hub, The Will to Survive.
    You wont ever be 'okay' with the rape-but you can learn to cope and grow within yourself from it-therapy can help you get to a starting point.

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11. 69

    yenajeonposted 14 years ago

    I know this may sound harsh, I think you either should tell him 'no' or ask for a long break. It may not be the easy choice or the choice you want to make, but its not likely to be resolved especially since he's not even inclined to be compassionate about what has happened to you.
    
    His proposal could also be a never-ending meaningless thing said to you so you'd forgive him.
    
    I believe you are beautiful and special so I know you deserve better and will find someone new who really loves you and cares about you.

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12. 40

    efeguyposted 14 years ago

    prevention they say is better than cure.
    
    you have not started there is problem,talk less of when you get married.
    
    i don't know both of you, but i advice you to quit.

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