468 To Be Reborn a Writer?

I have one last hub before I will have completed 468 hubs in a little over six months. You may wondered why I have written so much in such a little time span. Perhaps now is the time to reveal why if I can.

After my Mother died I was exhausted and depleted. I had worked so desperately hard to save her life and I lost her. Despite all of my biochemical schemes to trick her body into persisting, I had not cured her cancer. Two years of my life doing cancer research and studying oncology to care for my Mother and I lost her. And it was a very bad death.

I hadn’t socialized or seen people for years. I would see people once every three months but I basically was not allowed to tell anyone my Mother had cancer. A secret is a secret in my home. We keep secrets very well and I would have never betrayed my Mother’s confidence. I was shattered; I hadn’t managed to get my Mother the Hospice care. I wanted her to have a dignified death but there is no dignity in death. I had given so much of myself to this silent cancer fight I no longer really spoke to anyone besides my son. Even in the end my Mother didn’t want to speak. And so silence filled our home for the weeks and months preceding her death with the exception of my family placing undue social demands on us and contributing nothing.

So when my Mother died I stopped speaking altogether. I had very little to say to anyone. I no longer knew how to carry on a conversation. My memory was completely shot. I would have to make lists just to remember simple things. I didn’t even tell my friends that my Mother died. They had to read it in the paper. When asked why I didn’t call them I simply said, “She is gone and there is nothing you can do.”. I hadn’t realized how the buzzards would descend immediately upon my son and myself right after my Mother’s death taking everything they could from us. We had to let it all go. We basically left with only the clothes on our back. And I will never speak to any of them, my family, again because they did this to my child.

So I had to start our lives over. I didn’t know how to so I began writing on hubpages. I put one foot in front of the other, made my lists, cared for my son and just continued.

No one realized they couldn’t hurt me that I was in so much pain from the death of my Mother there was really nothing anyone else could do to hurt me. And the pain my son was in was awful. So I tabled my own grief and worked on him. I put him in swim lessons and he enjoyed swimming much of the Summer. We will go back when it warms up. I started rebuilding my son’s life first and then I wrote on hubpages. I didn’t have high expectations which is probably why I am not discouraged six months later.

A lot of them were short and gritty but it was the beginning of trying to open myself up to other people. And the hubs served a dual purpose as my family didn’t want my Autistic son to attend the funeral we were not invited. I write under my Mother’s name so she will live forever on the Internet. It is a living memorial to her. I am published but I have other pseudonyms and I had editors more importantly which I desperately acknowledge I still need. I also have other works published in my name. But this entire persona is my Mother’s living memorial so I have worked hard to build it for her. It took me six months and I feel like I have honored her appropriately. My hubs have improved over time as I have begun to recover.

Part of the problem with my hubs is I read very quickly and I type almost as fast as I read. So a lot of it is typos but I would be lying if I didn’t admit I have done this all while grieving, caring for my son who is grieving, run a medical hospital in my home and home schooling. There isn’t a moment that my son and I have been apart in the past three years. He is always right next to me while I type. He interrupts me quite frequently and sometimes I have a hard time returning to my train of thought.

So in the beginning my hubs were short and gritty and now they are bit better. Never having a moment to myself also interferes with my ability to write well but I would never part with my son.

No 468 was not a goal I had ever set for myself. I didn’t think I would last a month on hubpages. I never thought I would see the 468 hubs in a six month time frame. But I should be clear. I have not done any of the back linking required or the SEO required to increase my hub scores. I need to learn a lot of the technical aspects of hubbing.

And I wouldn’t recommend most people start their life over as a hubpage’s author while grieving. Those critics can sting and you can sting back while grieving. I just had to do something because I felt so empty and depleted. I was completely exhausted and I thought if I rested I would die. That was how tired I was and to some degree I still am tired a lot.

My reasoning behind this was if I, a completely depleted person, could work and keep working despite all the insurmountable odds against my success that I would at least prove to myself, if no one else, I could contribute.

So when you are completely depleted and have absolutely nothing or are working in negatives as I am still give. There is merit in this act and it is healing.

Well it took me quite a few months on hubpages before I could even mention my Mother was dead. And when I opened up about that I had some offers. Some which would have liberated me of cash and some of which I was unable to accept because of my son. I guess that when you have someone close to you die everyone thinks you are an easy mark. I appreciate that and have remedied it.

But I have also had genuine acts of kindness and I have made genuine friends on HP. These people I have regular interactions with and they have helped reteach me socialization. They allowed me to cry a bit about this great loss in my life.

I have been able to document my recovery on hubpages which is important to me so I can look back in time and see I made it through this.

So I have had other offers, some of which I may explore and some of which I may not.

What I have become, unintentionally, is my own brand. Although this hub is a memorial to my Mother it is my brand. And I have a certain following because I am a very diverse writer. Although I will readily admit I am an exceptionally poor speller, I am not good at grammar and I make very common writing errors.

The world is filled with so many wonderful people. I have had so many great people follow me through what I consider some of the darkest hours of my life. Honestly I don’t know where I would be without this experience. It has been a first step towards recovery. I am becoming a whole person again.

I am finally going to try and stop hubbing now for a while. I will still read other authors' articles, rate, comment and vote up. If you follow me you know I periodically go through and read everyone’s work and then comment and rate. If you know me well I have probably already read everything you have written. I need to take some time to be with my son as this holiday season will be particularly difficult for him. I may publish from time to time but it will not be anything close to what you have recently witnessed. I am taking this break now so I can be prepared to cover the GOP primary.

Thank you all for bringing me through a difficult time. I wasn’t certain we would make. But I can see that I and my son do have a future and it is a new beginning for both of us. I would have preferred to recover in 100 hubs or 200 hubs but it wasn’t that easy for me. It took 468 to start my life over. Thanks for reading, following, supporting and helping me. Please join me in celebrating the new beginning of my life as a writer when I return.

In a few months it will be three years since my Mother's death. I have spent most of it in court. I have written a lot of hubs, conducted research and have found a treatment for autism which I have presented to the State of Florida, I have made a lot of friends who I dearly love, I fell in love with a foreigner, and I have diligently work within my community to keep a murder behind bars.

I have even gotten to the point I no longer feel guilty when I laugh with my friends. My son who has autism is great and taller than I am at the tender age of thirteen.

I don't think I will ever truly stop missing my Mother but we have made it through the roughest patch. For anyone enduring similar circumstances you will survive it. It will not be easy but you will make it because I seed my strength to all those who grieve a loss whether it be of a mother! a child! a lover or a dream. I yield my strength to you. The universe is speaking to you too. Listen and be emboldened to have the courage to let go of your fears, doubts, and suffering.