- HubPages»
- Books, Literature, and Writing»
- Commercial & Creative Writing»
- Creative Writing»
- Humor Writing
Tattoo Artist Goes Rogue
Emergency personnel were greeted late this morning by the prone mortal shell of a young man, sprawled naked across the salon floor of Tinto’s Total Tattoos on East Porkknuckle Road, deep in the city’s Desmont District.
Decorously draped in one of the ink parlor’s towels, the body nonetheless displayed a vast array of varied skin art across the upper back of the torso, yet no other immediately visible indicators of foul play. Based on the not-always-synchronous eyewitness accounts of several of the tattoo parlor’s employees, detectives on the scene surmise that Manny Gelpen, the shop owner, founder and premier Inkster, inexplicably went rogue on the poor chap, rendering him unconscious, then perpetrating the horrifying (and confused) tableau upon his waiting flesh (all free of charge, no less). Gelpen then apparently fled the scene.
Investigators are not yet sure what could have set the tattoo artist off. Was it the client’s indecision of the sepia teddy bear clutching a scarlet valentine over the traditional blue-black barbed-wire armband? Or was it the interminable and increasingly testy quibbling overheard by staff: magenta over fuchsia? color-fill over cross-hatch? cobra over rattler? jade over celadon? skull over cross-bones? 'Mom' over 'Wendy'? seven over snake-eyes?
Perhaps we’ll never know.
A spokesman for the coroner’s office reported that full results of toxicology and other forensic lab tests would not be available for another 48 hours yet. And so, at this time, it is impossible to say whether the substantial amounts of soluble pigment the decedent was subjected to over such a short period of time may have poisoned him in some way, thereby causing or playing a role in his death.
Along the lines of a second theory, detectives have also not ruled out a possible intense reaction to extreme continuing needle pain, and the systemic shock likely to result, as factors in the fatality. However, earlier today, this reporter interviewed a Miss Gertrude Gilvray, an adult performer who dances locally under the stage name of Ms. Delores Delightfull, Denver’s Delectable Decorated Double-D Diva!, who dismissed such causation. “Honey, I am tattooed all over, including places it was hard to put a needle! And most of my ink was done in just a few day-long sessions, “ Ms. Delightfull cooed, “ I’ve had worse pain from a mammogram!”
Still others speculate that it may have in fact been mere fright that brought about the demise of the inked innocent. At the moment of seeing his new dermal decorations, he may have flashed forward to the excruciatingly embarrassing moment he would undoubtedly endure upon doffing his golf shirt in the men’s locker room, before the gaping, staring, disapproving eyes of the senior members of the elite and crushingly conservative Shady Lakes & Acres Country Club. Or worse yet, he might have envisioned his future ostracism at the upcoming lakeside Adult Rebirthing & Baptismal Dunking of congregants of The Most Holy Second Testament of the Pentecost Evangelical Communion of Righteous Souls.
The exact identity of the unfortunate is being withheld by police, pending notification of all of his previous evening’s drinking buddies.
- Somebody Must Love Plush Bunnies
Somebody Must Love Plush Bunnies Now, there’s a vanity license plate that says it all! Clearly, this person loves bunny, or, more accurately, bunnies. I’d say there are a few love objects along for the ride. But just look at all of those... - Little-Known Santa No. 19
Little-Known Santa No. 19 C’mon, all you thousands upon thousands of avid Barbra-ficionados! You know this by heart! Sing along with me! Everyone! “People! People who need presents — are the luckiest people in the world!” Little-Known... - Nate, the Year's #1 Salesnewt
Nate, The Year's #1 Salesnewt Some say that the key to young Nate’s success is his approachable amphibian attitude — a characteristic that has also made a quite popular pitchman of a certain refined gecko lately. Still others contend that... - Comb Lizard
Comb Lizard When herpetologists speak of a comb lizard, they are most likely referring to a member of the Agamid reptile species Goniocephalus liogaster, or the Comb-Crested Tropical or Forest Lizard (or Dragon), found throughout damp regions of... - Elephants make the best pets!
Sure, you may like your mole rat, gerbil, python, tarantula, goldfish, potbelly pig, poodle, lynx, mastiff, ferret, cockatiel, budgerigar or Guernsey, bit I say pachyderms are tops! - sly croc
Sly Croc No! Whatever you might be tempted to do, do NOT let this sly fella feed you a croc’ o come-on! The tepid waters of this reptilian playground — situated where Barefoot Resort Bridge veers from North Kings Highway in North Myrtle Beach,... - Grandnephew Bob Hitler, Carnival Barker
If you should happen to be right in the center of historic old Cologne, Germany, at exactly eleven minutes past the eleventh hour on the eleventh day of the eleventh month of the year — or, in other words,... - Gilby Galleybrow Has a Lot on His Mind
Oh, waitress, dear waitress! Please indulge this little man for a spell, for Gilby Galleybrow has a lot on his mind. Literally. Seems that poor... - Old Cleveland Skyline Quiz
Old Aerial View of Cleveland Sure, the City of Cleveland, Ohio may be easy to identify by the prominence of the Terminal Tower near the center of this dated aerial image, or by the view of the Lake Erie... - Deconstructed Architect
I’d like to welcome all of our viewers this evening. We’ll get right back to our regularly scheduled program, but first I’d like to talk to you for just a... - Jack Knife, of the Manitoba Knifes
You might say that good ol’ Jack Knife here is not the sharpest knife in the drawer. (Oh, to be sure, he is the sharpest Knife of the Manitoba Knifes....