What do you do when you marry the "perfect" person and after the "new" wears off, you realize he/she is a jerk? Is it for better or worse or run for the door?
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Thank you, I feel like your words come from the heart and not a book. So much of what you have to say rings true. It is hard to fight your own depression, when you seek happiness from a depressed person? If that makes any sense?
Yes-total sense! No person can actually "make" us happy--they can just add to what's already there. True joy comes from within and can coexist even beside sadness. In fact, suffering dug a hole in my heart that enlarged my capacity to receive joy.
I like your answer too! What you said makes a lot of sense. I have found men to be called a lot of things in life but if your only word to describe him is ''jerk'', then you may just have a keeper.
Truly a beautiful way of looking at it. Can there be hope after depression has tainted the relationship? Can resentment fade away from both sides?
Yes there is hope and resentment can go but its a choice. Forgiveness is a huge part of it & not holding each others' sins and hurt against one another. Forgiveness is a choice that brings freedom. Start the process by forgiving self and others.
How do you get the other half to get on the same page? I would be willing to do whatever it takes, but he doesn't even see a problem? How do you fix something that he doesn't see as broken?
You can't fix. He needs to see his part &only he can do it. If you release trying to make him see his part &focus on yours you could find he is willing to do his down the road but you have to do yours bc you want to not as an exchange. I h
I feel very responsible for the happiness in the relationship and probably more so for his happiness than my own. I want him to be happy so bad that it drains me trying. How do you sit back and wait?
I can't answer that in 250 characters or less. :-) But what I WILL do is write a hub on the topic--with a focus on the themes and questions you've brought up. I'll let you know when I post it! It can and will be OK if you learn and do your part.
You're awesome, thank you for your commitment on the topic. I so look forward to your hub.
What do you suggest for someone who feels almost adapted to the unhealthy relationship and that it is less intimidating than ending it, leaving it and moving on? Do you think that it is hard to admit there may be no hope?
I'd remind them that our lives are for the most part the result of (our) choices and decisions. If we don't want to be somewhere we leave. A person without "deal breakers" lacks self-esteem. I'd suggest getting help and reading some books to start.
Thank you, I think that you are very mindful and right on the money about the self-esteem. I am working on your hubs, they're great.!
Thanks. I could've been more specific, but it's only a common-law kind of marriage anyway. I gave up ten years to a rotten relationship already and I just don't want to relive it again, but I also don't like giving up. Toxic =perfect word
What is too much effort? Let's suppose this "person" has been in a previously failed relationship and is determined to make this one work? What do you do when you truly love someone and you put in a lot of effort and they aren't?
Can’t you love someone and think he is a jerk somewhat in part because you respect him and yet he shows an obvious lack of respect? Can you love and resent someone? What do you do when he doesn't see fault in being disprespectful/hurtful?
Yes, to your first two questions. Last one: I'd say you ask if there can truly be loved without respect, consider whether a counselor may help him see the error of his ways, or whether he knows what he's doing and just doesn't care.
Thank you. I think that there is good in people and sometimes they just don't have the tools to handle feelings and emotions right? Sometimes it is defense mechanisms that get in the way?
Thank you. I agree that any relationship takes work. I would think it shoud be 50/50. What do you do when it's about 80/20 and he is happy with the relationship and doesn't see a problem?
"You need to sort out what's in your own mind before ever finding fault with him." Great advice! Too many people play the "blame game". Our lives are the result of (our) choices and decisions. Blaming others makes us powerless! I can only control me!
Simply brilliant commentary, Alaina. Your words will fall on def ears, but they ring true nonetheless. The victimization of women is a cottage industry in this country and good sense and personal accountability were never mentioned in fairy tales :0)
I love your insight. I am very insecure and have always beat myself up trying to be “enough” for people. I love hard and unconditionally and only want conformation that I am loved in return. I know “Prince Charming” is only in fairytales.
Thanks for sharing so personally. Sometimes I think men can just be stubborn and it's frustrating. But, I don't like the lack of respect. You can be in a bad mood and even be a grouch without being disrespectful. We need to stand up someti
That's too cute, and probably the first time I snickered today. Thanks
It is possible for a woman to not "play victim" and only want to know how to give the right love and get at least some form of love in return. I am no victim, I don't know how to fix a relationship that only one person sees as broken?
Root issues: baggage from both sides undealt w/ & past roles played repeat until resolved; Girl not responsible for man’s happiness; Girl trying too hard to fix; Girl dealing w/ own insecurities will relieve pressure he feels (but won’t talk abou
Do you suppose it is hard to work on your own insecurities when you feel like your failing your partner and the relationship by not making the other person happy?
As long as you don't see your role in (choosing) this man as being part of the problem you are playing victim. When we change our circumstances change. Your man is what he is. Decide on what YOU are going to do. It's your life. Take the wheel!
Cant: I think this man is just who he was when you met him, but your head was in the clouds and now you have come back down to earth. The problem isn't his...it's your's. You seem to be a Dopamine addict who thrives on drama. Live and let live. :0)
You obviously don't have a clue who I am. I want no drama. This is a man that was full of compliments in the beginning and is now full of insults. I work, clean, nurture, laugh, comfort, console and NEVER complain or blame, so what am I doing?
Cantuhearmescream, I think you are missing CJ's point. If you really don't want any "drama" then you would leave. Freedom is on the other side of your door. Stress, hoping for someone to change, being unhappy, is drama. Stay or leave? Your choice.
Maybe I am and I hope so! I never play victim and I never want sympathy. I guess I don't know when it's time to leave. I don't like to give up on people or relationships. At what point does my leaving become a selfish decision?
Don't leave. This is an opportunity for growth for both you and him. Focus on your part right now. Leaving will just allow things unresolved and the patterns will repeat. You need solid advice and support to move in a good direction. Be back later..
Cant: If you leave again, you're setting a bad precedent of choosing poorly and then walking away. I'd suggest that you give romantic relationships a loooooong rest. By the way, are you really that loving, noble & caring or is this wishful thinki
That was kind of my thought; I don’t want to bail on the relationship because even if it gets ugly, I am willing to work through it to get to a place where we are both thriving.
"We need to stop blaming everyone and everything around us for the problems in America today and realize that we are directly related to the problem." Cantuhearmescream those are (your words) on your bio. They also apply to your personal life too!
I never said noble, but yes, I am proud of how I love.
I don't blame "him" for anything. I don't know why people are making me feel like I'm playing victim and painting him bad. You can only put so many words in a question title
Cantuhearmescream, When you outline the problems with your marriage you seem to be saying if (he changed) YOU would be happy. Since you can only control yourself this puts you in a powerless or victim role waiting and hoping (he) improves your life.
First I hope you realize that I absolutely value your opinion and advice. Second, I don't necessarily want him to change, I want to know what I have to do so that he may be happy in the relationship because he seems not to be. Despite
Oh well that's different! If that's the case, your screwed! Here's why, you are trying to be his savior! You can't MAKE someone happy you can only keep them happy. You're saving a man that only God can help. Pray then get out of the way!
I can’t tell if you’re being sincere or sarcastic, but I never looked at it as trying to be his savior, I have been trying to salvage our relationship, which seems unhealthy and kind of unhappy to me. Sincere or sarcastic; I'll take it. Thank You
I'm about 2/3 done with a hub. I'll have to finish rest in the morning. If you could choose 2 most important questions you hope to have answered, what would they be? What seems most urgent for you to understand in this moment? I'll include them..
When is it time to leave a relationship or “give up” (supposing one/both parties seem to be unhappy)?
How do we know, despite apparent unhappiness, our mate is happy with us/the relationship when they aren't "talkers" and say "we're good
I finally finished the Hub! Not the smoothest ever...ran out of time...but I Hope this helps!!! https://hubpages.com/relationships/Real-Relationsh...
It took me a bit to get through it, taking notes and openning tabs along the way, but it's great and I can't wait to read more from you. Thanks for everything.
"only about 10% of those who get married should have." CJ, I think you are being generous with that percentage! lol! I agree with you that people don't invest enough time to get know a person BEFORE saying "I do." Everyone is "perfect" at the start!
The other issue, Dashing, is that many Americans are without honor and their words, promises and oaths mean nothing to them. It's sad when you cannot get out of a minor business contract, but one can just walk away from their marriage w/o a problem.
I was in a physically abusive relationship for 10 years and I did everything to try to make that relationship work. This relationship is almost at the five year mark and I have devoted and committed myself to the relationship and give 100%.
It sounds like you are your own worst enemy when it comes to choosing men. If I were you, I would take a real good look at myself and see what I'm doing wrong. You've got this victimization and dying hero thing going on but neither will lead to joy.
Why does it have to be that I am doing something wrong. I'm not suggesting that anyone is doing anything wrong and I'm also not looking for sympathy. I am trying to understand men and how they love and how to improve relationships for both people
I hope that I shouldn’t take offense to that? He actually was just diagnosed with depression and he’s just kind of mean for no reason. I take his depression personally and I have always tried to please him, it just seems impossible