Is it right to stay or leave, when your spouse refuses to change bad habits for

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  1. Sapphireid profile image63
    Sapphireidposted 12 years ago

    Is it right to stay or leave, when your spouse refuses to change bad habits for the relationship?

    If you are a faithful follower of Christ and your spouse refuses to enhance theirself, what do you do? Praying and Having faith are awesome but, one can't make another person change. You get referrals for groups and counseling but, time demands for your jobs and their nonwillingness to attend groups/counseling keep you two from moving forward. The days just keep winding on by and when you mention going on the Monday when you're both available, they are more than adamant about not going (too tired, too beat up, etc.).

  2. Patty Inglish, MS profile image88
    Patty Inglish, MSposted 12 years ago

    We here cannot tell what bad habits you are referencing, but your words sound like one person strongly wants to change the behavior of a spouse. This is likely not to happen even with prayer and good example for a while (because of the constant demand to change), if at all, and I think we may not have the right to demand that another adult enhance him(her)self, because it is their choice. Abusive or neglectful behavior is another matter, though - vital - and sometimes requires a separation to break the loop of repeats and clearly illustrate how important change is.

    However, you or the person seeking the change in another could benefit from the counseling, even if alone - this is standard procedure in the Christian and secular worlds in my counseling work experience.

    Best wishes!

  3. lilibees profile image61
    lilibeesposted 12 years ago

    I agree with Patty Inglish, MS, unfortunatly bad habits belonging to another are very hard to change and rather they should be changed or not is for the person whom they belong to.

  4. dashingscorpio profile image82
    dashingscorpioposted 12 years ago

    Only you can decide if a "bad habit" is a "deal breaker" for you!
    What bothers us may not bother someone else. People change when and if THEY want to change.
    The only person you can control is yourself.

    All you can do is ask and if not getting what you want is a real "deal breaker" for you then you are better off moving on.
    Sticking around to nag, plead, beg, or demand will only lead to frustration on your part and resentment on their part. Not many of us will succeed at "changing water into wine".

    Ultimately we are all looking for someone who wants what we want out life and agrees with us on how to obtain it.
    If you want to go (right) and your mate wants to go (left) there is a good chance you are not "right" for each other. In the long run we are better off marrying someone who "naturally" does things the way we like. If your mate does not want to go to counseling they are basically telling you they are content with the way things are. (You are the unhappy one.)It may benefit you to seek counseling alone to determine why you would select someone who does not care whether or not you are happy.

    It's been said "Men marry women hoping they will never change" and "Women marry men hoping they will change overtime." I guess nobody gets everything they want. :-)

    Best of luck!

  5. Alyssa Ann profile image58
    Alyssa Annposted 12 years ago

    If you don't like a habit that the spouse has, then you either need to learn to just deal with it or talk to them about it. But don't make them feel forced. I've been in a relationship before where the guy thought he oculd change my habits, so i left him and you wouldnt want the spouse to leave you. but if the habit is like drugs, alcohol, etc then you need to tell them how you feel about it, and maybe suggest something like.. Rehab or councilling. I hope that i helped you out.

  6. Yankee Reb profile image61
    Yankee Rebposted 12 years ago

    FIRST OFF - if you were such a GREAT church goer to begin with and it was so important ... why did you start a relationship with that person?

    NEXT - who are you to force a change on another person?

    ... I ask this only because so many self professed Christians have less love, faith, and understanding of what the Bible teaches than i DO - ANDI am not a Christian.

  7. padmendra profile image50
    padmendraposted 12 years ago

    I think you should stay back and try to make things work. Everyone who is married  sometime feels like they want to get out of the relation  but strong people  stick to their relation and keep on trying things to work for the betterment.  God will help  you  as He has the answer to everything.

  8. abrarr profile image58
    abrarrposted 12 years ago

    i htink i first one should try his level best to change his spouse bad habbits but if he fails to do that, then it would eb better to leave him on his own

  9. Borsia profile image40
    Borsiaposted 12 years ago

    If you have a deep problem in the relationship that you can not ignore and your partner refuses to change you should leave.
    Life is short and time wasted trying to fix something that can't be fixed is a waste of precious time that you will never get back.
    In your case you want them to believe what you believe. But they may not be able to do that.
    As an atheist I can tell you that nothing is going to change my mind and make me believe in something i don't believe in. Not because I wouldn't want to, I wouldn't, but because I can't choose to believe in something.
    We don't get to choose what we believe; we believe what we can and not what we want to.
    I can't think of a more draining waste of time than going to counseling with people trying to convince me that there is a god. It is like telling me that I can convince myself that red is blue or black is white in disguise.
    I will tell you what a psychotherapist told me. I had been in a relationship for 27 years but my ex started to have mental problems 12 years in, obsessive compulsive disorder, I tried for 15 years to change her but she only got worse. I finally went to a therapist these were her words;
    "She doesn't have a problem you do. And it is going to stay that way. Ask yourself if you can continue living with the problem. If you can then stay but if you can't leave now." In the end I think about how much better off I would have been if I had left 15 years earlier.
    I've been single for a long time now but I am much happier alone.

  10. profile image0
    dixie28714posted 12 years ago

    give it time!! I know its aggervating and much easier to give up, but DO NOT!! God will answer your prayer and PEOPLE DO CHANGE but it does not happen overnight...UNLESS IT IS ABUSE, in that case LEAVE!!  We are on God's time he is not on ours.  He will work it out, wait and see!! Just have faith smile Good Luck!!

  11. Rosemary Edwards profile image54
    Rosemary Edwardsposted 12 years ago

    Dear sapphire,
    I also am dealing with some issues with my husband of 12 years.I had to become JW in order for us to be married.Over the years I have noticed some very bad habits he has that is not fitting for a god fearing man.I told him I was going to leave him if he did not stop,but that did not matter to him.We both had to sit down together and talk about our habits known and unknown we might have thought we didnt khow each other had.We realized that by helping each other understand the consequences of our actions that we both would be alone,financially unstable and mentally guilty.So we decieded to let each other be as long as it does not hurt or harm us pysically in anyway.After all it is your self who has to explain to god for your behavior not your spouse.

  12. Dalaina profile image69
    Dalainaposted 12 years ago

    You will almost always find a different answer everywhere you look; however, you are the only one who knows the whole situation. Then, if the communication lines between you and your spouse are closed, it is possible that you don't even know all the components leading to the unwanted behavior.

    In my opinion, even as a Christian, there is a time when leaving is the only answer. If you (or your children) are in danger, then I believe leaving is necessary. If the unwanted behaviors are not dangerous, then I believe staying is an option that needs to be carefully considered. I believe that there times that staying causes more damage than leaving would.

    All too often, couples separate and move on. One needs to realize that you can work on a marriage from inside or outside the home. If you feel it is necessary to leave, that doesn't mean you have to give up on your marriage.

    If your spouse refuses to attend counseling, focus on bettering yourself. I was previously in a similar situation. Through individual counseling sessions, I was reminded of and taught new ways to communicate effectively with my husband. I was sure that things wouldn't change until he went to counseling, however, it took these new communication tools to effectively explain my marital concerns to him. It took some time, but eventually he went to counseling and we were able to work through our differences. 

    As this is my second marriage, I also know that there are times that things don't work out the way we would hope. I would encourage you to confide in a non biased, trusted person who can provide valuable advice for your specific situation.

    My only other piece of advice, would be to be cautious of criticizing your spouse to family and friends. If you do work out your differences, you will be much more eager to forgive and forget than they will be. It can be very frustrating to not only have to repair a marriage, but also to have to do damage control with those around you! Good luck with you relationship.

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