What is your impression of a new friend who says, "Let's not discuss our past."

1. 92

   MsDoraposted 12 years ago

   What is your impression of a new friend who says, "Let's not discuss our past." ?

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2. 59

   Dee aka Nonnaposted 12 years ago

   I don't know.  I would assume they have something they would rather not remember.  As the friendship grows things may change and the person will want to share, or things will just begin to come out.  Until then they do have a right to protect their privacy.

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3. 92

   peeplesposted 12 years ago

   I don't see why it would matter unless you planned on being in a romantic relationship with the new friend. My past is horrible. While I am very comfortable writing about it I usually do not tell new friends for quite a while. Most of my Inlaws still know very little about my past. The only person who NEEDS to know the past is the person you plan on spending your future with. I'd leave it alone. In time when the friendship is fully developed and trust is earned what needs to come out will.

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   1. 92

      MsDoraposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      I agree that with time, the person (especially if talkative) may expose his/her past without any questions being asked.

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4. 0

   JThomp42posted 12 years ago

   After a while of getting to know them, I may think there is something they are trying to hide. On the other hand, Maybe their past is too hurtful for them to relive.

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5. 62

   xanzacowposted 12 years ago

   On a different note, if this is a romantic friend, they may not want to know YOUR past. Relationships in particular. There really is no need to discuss past relationships in any sort of detail. Some information may be important, but certainly not all of it.

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6. 61

   Glassoposted 12 years ago

   Everyone has parts from their past which they would like to forget. Past can hinder and/or stop our progress. People do not discuss their past with strangers or those whom they have just met. In my opinion, person who suggests do not discuss the past does not want the newly born friendship to be affected by the past of either parties. Moreover, to know someone's past at the beginning of the friendship can have a somewhat profound effect in some cases. As friendship growing stronger and stronger, you might learn more about the past. Nevertheless, when you do not know about person's past--your impression would not be clouded up with prejudice.

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7. 72

   manatita44posted 12 years ago

   It may mean it's dark or would create insecurity. Viewed from a spiritual standpoint, it may not be useful.
   
   We generally wish to tell others a little about ourselves and expect the person or persons to reciprocate. Still, we can be protective or feel guilt or find some things uncomfortable. All different names for the same thing: Insecurity.
   
   In relationship to dating, it can sometimes mean that the person wishes to cover-up a particular situation, and is not too interested in a serious relationship.
   
   Trying to help here. Not my forte. As to the spiritual, the past is not generally helpful and it is towards the Light and away from darkness, that one must move. Good luck.

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8. 71

   lburmasterposted 12 years ago

   To leave them alone and find a new friend. I'm not too interested in someones actions. So if they don't fill in the few questions I ask, they are gone so I don't have to worry about them being a friend.

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9. 60

   BobMongerposted 12 years ago

   Do you hear the alarm bells ringing?! My first thought is, "Why not?"
   "Are they wanted by the police?"
   "Are they working for the police?"
   Whatever they have going on has an ulterior motive that can lead to no good.
   If this person is trying to act like they're a Christian to your face you should run away as fast as you can. A true Christian will confess their sins and hide nothing; our Lord hates secrets. Or like my grandma used to say, "A secret is just a lie waiting to happen."  And on a practical note, what kind of interpersonal relationship can you have with someone who has already made it known they aren't to be trusted?  This person will take whatever they can while giving back as little as possible; they have already told you so. I'd steer clear of this one, with friends like this you won't need enemies.

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   1. 92

      MsDoraposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Bob, you ask really good questions and give us much to think about.

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10. 0

    danielabramposted 12 years ago

    That's fine. Just focus on what you both enjoy discussing.

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11. 86

    Mama Kim 8posted 12 years ago

    I would think they actually want the opposite. If they truly wanted to hide something they would simply avoid the subjects. Flat out saying that (this is a new friend as you said) to me means they're trying to peak an interest, give mystery.. ect. This is someone who likes attention and is maybe a little bit of a tease. If this was said in a very sad tone I would also think that they are hurting and they do need someone to talk to about it. They want to but not right at the moment, this person just needs to make sure they can feel safe talking to you then they'll spill everything and seek your counseling.... that would be my impression of the person. ^_^  Great question MsDora!!

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    1. 92

       MsDoraposted 12 years agoin reply to this

       Mama Kim.  Reverse psychology, Mama Kim?  Really interesting!

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    2. 86

       Mama Kim 8posted 12 years agoin reply to this

       Psychology was one of my favorite subjects in school ^_^

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12. 74

    EyesStraightAheadposted 12 years ago

    I believe it is a person looking forward to the future who perhaps is done looking back and ready for what lies ahead. No shame in that.

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    1. 92

       MsDoraposted 12 years agoin reply to this

       Judging from your name, I guess this is part of your philosophy, and it is a good one.  True, no shame in that especially if the other person lives by the same principle.

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13. 62

    Lisa HWposted 12 years ago

    There are a lot of very legitimate reasons a person wouldn't want to talk about (i.e., "dredge up" or "hang onto") the past.  Keeping some conversation limits in a new relationship is something a lot of people think it's the best way to give a new relationship time to develop - or fizzle out, in which case, a lot of "deep" talk that was wasted on a non-friend is avoided.   Too many people, maybe, tend to share too much way too soon (and it can color the relationship).
    
    I think I'd be more concerned if the past wasn't the only thing the person wouldn't share.  Not that I meet all that many new friends these days, but what I tend to notice is whether someone seems to have some version of "roots"/connections to other people, or even pets.   It would depend on the age of the person and the relationship, but if I thought I might end up being close friends with someone I'd probably notice whether they seemed like they had those connections to important people in their life.  If it was an elderly widower/widow with no family left that would be one thing.  I'd be a little more concerned with someone younger who didn't want to talk about the past and never talked about/or spent time with people s/he was close to.
    
    As for the no-talking-about-the-past thing (but having families and/or friends, etc.), I don't see that as a big deal.  A lot of people just think it's healthiest to keep the past in the past, unless/until there's reason to talk more about it.

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    1. 92

       MsDoraposted 12 years agoin reply to this

       You give me some points to think about.  Thanks.

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14. 73

    Trish303posted 12 years ago

    That they are hiding something they do not want you know.

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    1. 92

       MsDoraposted 12 years agoin reply to this

       That's what I think, but look at what Lisa HW and some of the others say.

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15. 58

    aknancyposted 12 years ago

    I think he or she would rather start fresh due to the last relationship they had,past brings up more question and it just doesn't stop there, you would want  all the juicy details which in turn will stir up memories that might not be pleasant.

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    1. 92

       MsDoraposted 12 years agoin reply to this

       You're right.  What are juicy details for one could be sickening recall for another.

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