Loneliness in the marriage

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   TheFrenchTravelerposted 15 years ago

   Is it just a state of mind? Does it really exist? Does it happen overnight or is the destine for everyone that gets hitched

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      Justine76posted 15 years agoin reply to this

      It does not usally "just happen overnight" and untill recently, I did not think it was destiny...Im not so sure now...perhaps humans are only capable of an intimate relationship for a certain amount of time, no matter how hard you try..as far as state of mind, thats tough, sometimes I think maybe. but then I think, how do you change your state of mind when youve got nothing to work with? And YES, it really exists..

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      Poppa Bluesposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      That's a sure sign of trouble! You both need to seek counseling.

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      Lisa HWposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      I can exist for a lot of people, but it doesn't have to when the relationship is right.  It doesn't happen overnight.  People drift slowly away from each other.

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      prettydarkhorseposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      oh, keep it alive, get your time some off, have your own getaway on weekend, it might bring back the sparks, date every week, think of the times that you were in love with her, those small things which reminds you when you met here, carry her and think of the times again when you are newly married, how things changed and how heavy she gets, and her apperance changed through the years, no matter what she is your wife,

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      bettynewberryposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      Hmm.....well I have been lonely in past relationships and even lonely with my husband now in our earlier years when I was home taking care of kids and he was working. I felt like sometimes I was a single parent. I had to do everything and he worked. Even when I put myself through nursing school I was still responsible for everything it seemed. When he was off he did what interested him ie: wood working, tinkering on his vehicals, landscaping. We ended up divorcing when my sons were 11 and 14 and stayed divorce 5 years. I remarried etc. and life went on. He got custody of the boys and well I had no children to tend to anymore, just a new hubby and my nursing career. I believe he saw the error of his ways by not taking a more active role in the parenting and I also learned that he was a good man and I missed him and my boys. We found our way back to each other and today I can honestly say I have a much better marriage. Of course both my sons are grown now and live in seperate cities. What I think makes a marriage less lonely is doing with your partner those activities he or she may find interesting even if you do not much care for them. In turn they do the same for you. I don't get a kick out of helping my husband work on his jeep or boat, I don't care to get all sweaty and greasy but I do it so we spend time together and he will go bike riding or walking with me even though he does not want to cause it's what partners do. Now I do not take my husband with me when I go shopping like we women love to do. He totally hates it and well he ruins the experience for me. Nor do I go hunting with him. I do not wish to shoot and kill animals nor do I wana see him do it. Its give and take in healthy relationships that keep people together. And I can honestly say my husband is a good friend to me also. We still have passion for each other, sometimes I think its better now than when we were young. We don't have sex as often, but the quality is oh so good. I can remember when we might make love 3 times in a day. Now we might go a week or two, but when we do make love its slower and much more intense and we like to set the mood with candles and taking a shower and soft music. Use to sex lasted 10 minutes, now it may go 30/45. We do much more touching and kissing and well we savor it I guess you could say. Not to say my husband does not get on my nerves and drive me crazy sometimes and make me think about killing him grave yard dead. Because he DOES!!! We fuss at each other all the time but mostly in a loving manner. He seems to think he can solve all my problems and he knows the answer to most any question. Even when he does not know what he is talking about he will make something up and think he is fooling me haha...I have caught him doing this numerous times and when I call him on it he just acts dumb like men love to act at times. He is totally helpless in the kitchen when it comes to cooking but he will chop veggys and stir the pot when asked. Of course if he does he will take credit for the whole meal. I oculd go on and on about my husbands numerous faults but I shall not...whos got the time to read that tell tell book haha. To make a long story shorter he is not perfect, and God knows I am not, but we love each other and we try to be good to each other and we also give each other space when needed. My advise to anyone looking to get in a marriage or long term relationship is.......look for someone who you just like to hang around with when your sober and your not getting it on. Look for someone who makes you laugh and is good to animals and their mother. Last but not least DO NOT think you can change a person once you get together, because you do not have that power and if you go into a relationship looking to well most of the time your doomed. Now people can and do evolve in relationships but it has to be of their own accord.

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      Life as I see Itposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      I think that your looking at it the wrong way. When you fall in love you spend it seems like every waking moment together and are so into each other. Than you get married and that euphoria sort of dissapears and reality sets in. You are now comfortable with each other and you now focus your energy and passion into other areas of your life. I think that feeling lonely at some times is normal but your spouse can't fill all the voids in your life. It's always good to talk with your spouse if your not satisfied. Remember that your spouse can't read your mind all of the time.

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   Jeryposted 15 years ago

   I think after years together you can drift apart. I've felt a lot more lonely after the separation.

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   Mrs.Nitaposted 15 years ago

   I've been married for seven years, and it's been tough.  Sometimes I feel a bit lonely because we are so different, and to me, it's starting to impact our marriage.  I don't know.

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   sneakorocksolidposted 15 years ago

   I think a certain amount is normal but I think you got to things together.Things you both hate and things you both like. You both have to connect on some level and put the other first.

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      AEvansposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      I agree!

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   elayne001posted 15 years ago

   Try to remember what attracted you to your partner in the first place. If it was just physical - that fades with time. Rekindle that feeling you used to have. Make it exciting for them and they will come around. My husband used to travel all the time in his job and I would miss him which was kind of a good thing because when he came back we would be kinder and to one another. Distance makes the heart grow fonder they say. It was true in our marriage. Now that he's not traveling I wish he would go somewhere once in a while lol. Do whatever it takes to rekindle the marriage or you will regret it.

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   IzzyMposted 15 years ago

   I'm no expert on long-staying relationships but as I'm getting older I'm really beginning to believe that a lot of us are in the wrong relationships. Love alone isn't enough. There has to be friendship, and a really close friendship at that. My parents found it in each other, and I've not witnessed many relationships like that. They've been married 60 years and still do everything together. They'll still stand in the kitchen (the hub of every home) and cuddle. After all those years.....<sigh, it's lovely>

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      Himitsu Shugishaposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      I couldn't agree more with your post. It starts and ends with friendship. Loneliness in a marriage is real issue and is a terrible feeling. And its probably easier to discuss/fix this with a friend than with someone that you feel just doesn't get you...anymore.

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   NaomiRposted 15 years ago

   I'm going on 10 years of marriage. What's worked for us is that while we do many things together and spend most of our time together, we have separate lives, too. I spend a lot of time with friends or enjoying my own hobbies, and so does he — and we encourage this. This way, we always have something exciting and new to share with each other, be it what we did on our night out or how practice with the band went, etc. I feel like it keeps us from getting too sick of each other ... and reminds us that we have a network of people in our lives.

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      Home Girlposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      ---I think I can applaud to that, NaomiR. Marriage is a creation, an art. You have to BUILD by trial and error the coexistence of too differenT by gender and lifestyle people and learn to be happy for a long time, FOR A LIFE TIME. If you unable to do that and feel lonely --- GET OUT!!! No excuse.

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      rebekahELLEposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      I think this is really key to a successful, happy marriage. even before marriage, couples need to be individuals first and never lose their identity as a person. go out with your friends, join a group you enjoy, volunteer, spend time doing what you want to do.
      couples make a huge mistake when they depend on each other for their happiness and fulfillment. lonliness generally comes from a false belief that someone or something makes us complete other than our own self and our own interests. when we are interesting and living life, we can be more interesting to our partner. then that comfort and growing together happens instead of growing apart and being lonely.

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         TamCorposted 15 years agoin reply to this

         While I know that many have this viewpoint of marriage, I have to respectfully disagree...
         
         My husband Tom and I have been married 21 years, and during those years, we have spent probably 99% of our time with each other, and have loved it.  We've worked together, played together, grieved together...and we wouldn't change a moment of it.
         
         Each of us have a dear friend, but they both live hundreds of miles from us, and we seldom see them.  When we go out, we do it together...and always have.  We discovered early in our relationship that we came first in each others' lives, and friends took a backseat. 
         
         If we don't "depend" on each other for fulfillment and happiness, then I don't feel we would have much of a marriage.  Tom and I are proud of our ablility to make each other happy--there is no shame in that at all, in our book.
         
         Maybe our relationship is unique, I don't know, but it's not been "work" to us...it's been the most easy task that either one of us has ever tackled...

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   fishtiger58posted 15 years ago

   I am lonely sometimes in my marriage but it's not because we have grown apart it's that we both have our own interests and sometimes we don't want to participate in the other's interest. But it helps if you can. I didn't like to fish but wanted to be with my future husband so I went fishing. Low and behold I liked it, so sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and do what you don't really want to do just to be with someone. And I believe that you can't have a good marriage if you don't like the other person when they are fully dressed. You gotta be friends and the lonelyness factor shouldn't be a problem.

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      donotfearposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      I relate to this one too. It's difficult when we no longer have the same interests. Both have other interests. It's a struggle, all right.

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   SandyMcCollumposted 15 years ago

   It's real and it does happen all the time. But, it doesn't have to stay that way. I agree, it is a sure sign of trouble! Big trouble. What you need to do is turn to your best friend (you mate, hopefully) and say I'm feeling lonesome. Start with a dialogue and go from there. It can be fixed!

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    reeltaulkposted 15 years ago

    There is no excuse for one to feel lonely in a marriage.  Shame on your "better half"  for contributing to your loneliness!  That's all that it is, everyone know that getting married consist of two people coming together.  Once 1 individual or both break that bond by going in the opposite direction.  It's going to get hard and to be quite frank...time to move on.
    
    Vonda G. Nelson

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    habeeposted 15 years ago

    My husband and I are going on 22 years. We're best friends now, even though the romantic part has somewhat diminished - I married an older man. We share some of the same hobbies, but we also have different interests. Our relationship has evolved from a passionate one with lots of jealousy and fighting to one of comfort and mutual respect and support. We rarely argue now. It's kind of a trade off, I guess, but I'm happy!

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       Justine76posted 15 years agoin reply to this

       good for you. comfort is often undervalued. 

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    habeeposted 15 years ago

    True, Justine, and I think the older we get, the more we value it!

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       Justine76posted 15 years agoin reply to this

       you may be on to something there...

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    donotfearposted 15 years ago

    I definitely relate to this one.  Marriage is difficult, especially when the other won't make the effort to go the extra mile to keep the relationship interesting. It takes lots of work to maintain a committed relationship. After a while, when one continues to work & work, but sees no satisfying result, the parnter feels isolated. This is when things become fragile. So what to do? Well, for one, the lonely spouse needs to communicate to the other the feelings & concern for the marriage. Second, they must both be willing to work on the area that seems to be causing the division. Have they lost the same interests? Is there conflict? Can they agree to disagree? Partners must find a connection that brings them together. And it cannnot be based solely on sex. A social life together is beneficial. Do things with other couples. But if one spouse is reluctant to work on these things, then the relationship can be in danger. This is when the 'lonely spouse' needs to reflect on their life, what makes them happy, and possible changes for the future.

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       reeltaulkposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       Individuals should only get married because they have a deep connection.  It's like finding one of the piece to your puzzle called life,  relieved to know that which you have been seeking has been found and is now complete.  Getting married and living together is to maintain that deep connection----Not try to find one after you've have gotten married or things go bad.
       
       
       Vonda G. Nelson

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    frogdroppingposted 15 years ago

    For my part, loneliness can be very real in a marriage and in my experience, it was a creeping issue that came on over a good few years.
    
    It was a little like living in a city, alone - and not having anyone to talk to.
    
    I value friendship in a relationship.

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    Jonathan Jancoposted 15 years ago

    As a single man over 30 I probably won't make much of a contribution to the marriage query, but I am somewhat of an expert in loneliness. I'm much better now and more choosy about who I spend time with, but when I was younger I had a tendency to feel lonely even when I was the center of attention and among people who really cared about me. So I would have to say that loneliness is a state of mind. I don't really feel lonely these days, and I have fewer friends and go out less than I did then. I think you are all very fortunate to have someone special to share your lives with but even the most successful marriages have their moments of madness or atleast conflict. It's only natural, right?

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    DogSiDaedposted 15 years ago

    I think a lot of it is instinct, our ancestors would pair up, have babies, raise them to a certain level then often drift apart. With our new way of living, we believe that we should be together for life, whereas in reality it's difficult. Obviously if you're lucky it can be someone you can continually get along with, but a high proportion of the time things will get tough.

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    h.a.borcichposted 15 years ago

    I think there are at least 6 people in a marriage...
    Who you are
    Who he thinks you are
    Who you think you are
      Who he is
      Who he thinks he is
      Who you think he is
    
      If both parties know themselves well and have skills to navigate, communicate and stay committed; a marriage can be very healthy. Being lonly is a symptom - there is a huge gap between what you get and what you expect from the relationship. Narrow that distance and you will be happier Holly

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    Shadesbreathposted 15 years ago

    It's a decision.  Young couples have youth, energy, physical beauty, passion (particulary with hormonal burst early on) and, if they do kids right, the momentum of that shared interest to bind them.
    
    Older couples have history, nostalgia, melancholy (as "leaving" repelent), tradition/habit, and the collected wisdom of history/religion to keep them together.
    
    The trouble spot is the middle-years, 30's and 40s, where youth is not dead and wisdom not yet set in all the way.

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    wychicposted 15 years ago

    I think everyone gets lonely from time to time, in a marriage or no, the trouble is just if the loneliness moves in and doesn't go away. I was extremely lonely with my first husband, and it was a loneliness I felt more acutely the closer he was to me.
    
    That said, I have never felt lonely with my current husband, except on a couple of occasions that he wasn't there. That's a natural kind of loneliness, and it went away the moment he walked in the door each time. He works very long hours and, most of the time, keeping myself busy and basking in wonderful thoughts about him has helped the day fly by. Then again, our relationship started over the internet, so remembering all those months of yearning for just a moment with him in person really helps sooth the loneliness now on the nights I only get a few minutes with him from the time he comes home from work until the time he goes to bed.
    
    As for boredom...we started out as excellent friends, and got to know each other long before we even knew what the other looked like, so the friendship has always been very strong. I find that, rather than getting bored with him, the more I get to know him the more I love him and the more I want to spend time with him. He is also quite a bit older than me, and I am well aware that there will come a time when the physical side of the relationship just isn't really there anymore, but the love and friendship is enough.

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    yenajeonposted 15 years ago

    wow, this is all making me feel anxious about marriage in general...hmm

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       rebekahELLEposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       I think what everyone is sharing is very helpful. marriage is a huge decision and commitment and it will only help if you and your partner discuss every aspect of a marriage and what your expectations are. it's two people bringing their lives together and yet also maintaining their own individuality. some of the same problems, feelings and emotions you feel as a single person you will still have being married, but having someone to share them with and love and enjoy life together can make life more fulfilling. learning the art of communication (not just talking) is essential for a marriage to succeed.
       
       btw, there is nothing wrong with feeling anxious, a part of any important life decision. easing through those feelings with communication will help.

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    efeguyposted 15 years ago

    when there is no love definitely there will be lonelinesss it exist in our world everyday.

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    TamCorposted 15 years ago

    I seem to have a knack for killing threads...lol 
    
    Sorry! 
    
    
    Tammy

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    skyfireposted 15 years ago

    Singles Rule 

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       Jonathan Jancoposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       Being single can be pretty joyless and boring as well.

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          probafixposted 15 years agoin reply to this

          This is not just for marriage.
          
          you will find loneliness in every relation at one stage or after a stage.
          
          whether it`s friendship or family or marriage.
          
          i totally agree with it but this loneliness never remains the same as always.

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       blondepoetposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       Woo hoo. Oh Sky you look a little lonely there....

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    Lou425posted 15 years ago

    I have been married for 26 years, we have 3 teens, he travels, and I do everything else.  My issues is lack of communication, he is happy and energized when he is with others but grumpy and quiet when he is with me.  My heart breaks for our situation and yet he does not see a problem.  My friends all think he wonderful so I have not outlet for discussion.  Please help me, as I sit here with a ridiculous tear streaming down my cheek.

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       prettydarkhorseposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       First I want to give you a HUG!
       
       Did you talk to him about your feelings and why is it that you think he is grumpy when he is with you, Lay down your feelings about it and tell him what you want to happen, It will hopefully work if both sides are willing to make it work. Is this thing going on for so many years now? Maybe you can elaborate more with your problems, there maybe some other things important to consider here, time for each other> same activity together and keeping the relationship on fire not only interm sof sex but the kind of intimacy each one brings to the marriage like enjoying your time together -- sharing thoughts is very important, as well as the feel that he is always there for you, emotional security

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    Ohmaposted 15 years ago

    Lou a lot of people get to where you are. My husband and I have been together ove 30 years. He is 18 years my senior and the only thing we have in common is the kids and grandkids. I used to worry about this but one day I decided that since we do not fight and I really love him, having him here is all the comfort I need. we both do our own thing and go seperate ways a lot but we always come home to each other. I chose not to look at this like I am missing something. I enjoy the comfort of our relationship.

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    Lou425posted 15 years ago

    So glad to get your responses.  Yes there definitely is much more to the story.  I had a kidney transplant last year, prior to the transplant I was in a lot of pain, tired all the time, and just keeping up with the necessities, which was largely dealing with the kids.  My hubby would never talk about my illness, although I would hear him discussing with business associates with concern.  Our sex life suffered tremendously during that time, first my interest and then his.  When we are with friends, hubby is the life of party, taking care of everyone and everything.  Gives the impression of the perfect spouse.  At home he never touches me, hugs me, compliments or anything.  As for me, I am always boosting him.  Just don't get it.

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