Letting go of friends of the opposite sex when you get married.

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   Mrs.Nitaposted 14 years ago

   Ok, so I'm not the type to put my business on the internet, but I have a problem and I just need feed back.  I don't care just lay it on me.  One,since we've been married, my husband has only wore his ring for a very short time.  Now he never wears it.  Two, he always seems to find female friends.  This wouldn't be a problem so much, if I had male friends but I don't.  Personaly I think when you get married you should cut off all friends of the opposite sex.  Not only that but my husband is very jealous and I already know that if I had male friends he would trip.  I honestly want to go there with him though, just to let him see how it feels to know that I'm exchanging texts and talking to other males on the phone.  Sunday, I let him know that I don't care if he associates with women at his job, that's different, I mean you can't help that, but when he comes home;he needs to be home.  He said he understood, but the texts are still coming in the morning before he goes to work, and just today he called up this woman from his job.  What's up am I being overbearing?

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      C.J. Wrightposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      I have dealt with this issue myself. I'm a male, so the tables are turned. My GF has exclusively male friends. I do mean exclusively. The only female she has regular interation with is her Mother. The way I have dealt with the issue is like this:
      The sex of the friend is not as important of the nature of the relationship. What I find with the internet, cell phones and social networking sites is that its easy to have "secret" relationships. I have let my GF know that I can't accept her having secret relationships with men. In other words do these men have GF's or Wives? If so, do they know that their BF/Husband is talking to my GF on a regular basis? How do/would they feel about that. The last thing I need is some crazed woman attacking my GF in public, or beating down her door in the middle of the night(the later has happened)  When it comes to single guys, I'm more interested in how they met. Did they meet via the internet? Is this strictly a male that she can talk to who is miles away? Is this guy just a sounding board? Is this guy a leg hound? Anyway the bottom line is this. If your husband has ANY friend that is kept from you, its wrong. Your married, not two, but one.
      Be respectfull, but honest. No need to argue, no need to play tit for tat, just let your expectations be known. Make sure they are reasonable and are delivered in a way that will be understood and accepted. Blind trust in the face of obvious disrespect of relationship boundaries is not warranted here. Be loving and firm now, it may save your relationship.

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         Mrs.Nitaposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         Thank you.  This is something that I need to hear.

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      sandra rinckposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      First, what kind of job does he have?  If he works construction or something like that then he might not be wearing it for safety reasons.
      
      Second, is he a foreman or manager or something where he is expected to be in contact with other employees at all times?

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         Mrs.Nitaposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         He drives a school bus.  Now when we first got married, we worked at this children's home and he worked with the level four kids.  Often he would have to use physical restraint, so I understood him  not wearing his ring.  But now there really is no excuse.  For Christmas, I plan on buying him a new one with a comfort fit.  I let him know that if I went out and purchased a new ring  he needs to wear it.

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      Himitsu Shugishaposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Speaking as a male, I can be absolutely honest with you. Based on the information that you have provided, your husband's behavior sounds very suspect. Any female friend that your husband has should also be a friend of yours, and vice versa. And even that sometimes doesn't tell the whole story. Text messages and communications from mysterious women early in the morning, in the evening or late at night is a sign that they don't respect your marriage, or haven't been told that the man they're texting is married. You said he's not wearing his ring. Listen, the bottom line is, even if your husband is being totally faithful, it's making you uncomfortable and it has to stop.

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      chronicpainheroposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Hello,  I believe that you and your husband need to open an honest dialogue.  My experience is that if one spouse has friends of the opposite sex but doesn't want their spouse to do the same it's because they think that their spouse will do the same thing they are doing or trying to do.  I don't know why he won't wear his ring.  In some circles, wearing your ring actually gets more women to talk to you.  I don't know what it is but there used to be a joke that once a guy gets married and wears his ring, he will have more success with women.  Guess nobody wants to be with a guy nobody else wants OR maybe it's to see if they can "take" some other woman's man.  Whatever it is, it's trivial.  Wear the ring.  As for friends of the opposite sex that is something that you two must discuss and come to an agreement on.  You are who you are because of the life experiences you lived up to the point when your husband met you.  Having friends of both sexes allowed you to dialogue and vicariously experience many of life's challenges.  Shutting you off from social experiences could shut you off from personal growth.  Trust, judgement and character are the important factors but having friends of the opposite sex shouldn't be a problem just make sure you both know each others friends.

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   Justine76posted 14 years ago

   
   it doesnt matter what other people think, if it hurts you, he should repsect that and stop.
   that simple.

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      Mrs.Nitaposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      That's true.  But if he doesn't? That's my dilema.

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         C.J. Wrightposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         Start inviting them over for dinner!LOL that will creep them out if their intentions are bad!

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            dejajolieposted 14 years agoin reply to this

            I am not married, but in relationships I have had BF's tell me that I should not have male friends, this angered me because I have had these "friends" before them and most likely I would have them after. My male friends also HAD girlfriends and we would do 'couple' things often. However they did not want me to talk to them or see them outside of the 'couple' events I thought and think this is absurd. It's al about trust and the appropriateness of the conversations/communication. I did not text/call them early in the am or late at night, AND I also had female friends. I think there is a line.

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               C.J. Wrightposted 14 years agoin reply to this

               Yep, there is definitely a line. Its one thats unique to each couple, to some degree. You get what you tolerate. If what your getting is intolerable....guess what?LOL its no bodies fault but your own if you just sit there quietly.

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            Mrs.Nitaposted 14 years agoin reply to this

            LOL! That's funny.  I've never thought of that though.  Maybe I'll give it a try.

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   Bovine Currencyposted 14 years ago

   I don't want to comment directly but tell you something about my marriage.
   
   More than a few times my wife accused me of being a cheat, I was not, I never would have, I didn't even understand why she could not understand.  I tried explaining it.  In the end, I just didn't see anyone else, nobody, zip.  Down the track she admitted to me that she had cheated after she left me.  I still took her back.  Why?  I am not sure.  I loved her.  When we got back together, she didn't even like me going to see male friends.
   
   If you are married you should trust your husband.  If you don't then you shouldn't be married.  That is just how I feel.  But I don't know anything about you. 
   
   On marriage in general, I don't really think it should matter if a woman or a man has friends that are opposite sex.  Anyway, I now have no trust of any woman and maybe never will.  I gave someone my trust and it was abused.
   
   Good luck.

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      Mrs.Nitaposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      I understand.  I'm sorry your trust was abused.  On the other hand, I have never accused my husband of cheating.  The thought of him cheating has crossed my mind though,because he admitted he used to be a cheater before we got together. To me, having female friends will just open the door for him to cheat, given his background.

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   Poppa Bluesposted 14 years ago

   When you find your one true love, you really don't need any friends of any sex! A true love knows their priorities.

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      NunezWillLearnposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      This is a nice thought.
      
      @Mrs.Nita:You know what men loves to have affairs. They get more attached to a temporary love relationship than a long lived married life. It was a saying from one of my friend “Lovers after marriage become scoundrels”. I personally feel that Males care more for their GF than wives. I don't know whether am wrong or right but I feel there is something fishy.
      
      But then I will say dont worry men falls in love with many but will marry one because they hate responsibilities and long term bondings

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         Kiss andTalesposted 9 years agoin reply to this

         From a another view from the bible simply says.
         Mr 10:9Therefore, what God has yoked together, let no man put apart.”
         Mt 19:6 So that they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has yoked together, let no man put apart.”
         Jas 1:15 Then the desire, when it has become fertile, gives birth to sin; in turn sin, when it has been carried out, brings forth death.
         The point is the wage for sin is death,
         So we would not want to deliberately sin or do wrong by breaking up marriages,  or cheating , or doing anything that we have to answer to our Heavenly Father for. Live the truth apply good morals and sound judgment in your life , neither put yourself in a temptation .and you will be happy you did.

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   SandyMcCollumposted 14 years ago

   I think if the female friends are more important than your feelings about them, there's a serious problem. But, I don't know all the gory details, either.
   
   I do agree with several here, but CJ has a great idea. Invite them over, give them a chance to be friends with you, too. That might say something about their intentions with your husband.

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      C.J. Wrightposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      It did for me, some I have become friends with myself. Others were seen for what they were first hand. At least I took the high ground of "open mindedness".

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   efeguyposted 14 years ago

   though am not married,i advice you still talk to him,let him know you don't like what he is doing.
   
   try and trust him,and see if he will change
   
   don't be depress things will work out

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   lyricsingrayposted 14 years ago

   Never let go girl, ever - they will be monumental in your fighting years - besides never let go of any friend whether he likes it or not.

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   Lisa HWposted 14 years ago

   A lot of men don't like jewelry, and a lot of them don't wear rings because (as someone else said) their work may mean rings could be hazardous.  I wouldn't think much about that.
   
   On the one hand, I've had guy friends; and it's been absolutely, absolutely, like a "brother" relationship; without any question whatsoever that there was nothing but platonic friendship that would ever go on.  I've also had girlfriends (the closest ones and the sort-of-close ones).  I'm very much someone who believes that just because we get married we shouldn't dump all our friends.
   
   Having said that, though, I don't really think there should be a lot of need to be in constant, daily, contact with friends or any sex if we're married.  It's one thing to have lunch at work with a friend or to talk to them every few days or once a week; or to have a friend over to the house.  It's another to be calling all the time and texting back and forth.  As someone else said, if you're married to the right person being with the friends do become less important in a lot of ways, even if you still have a solid relationship with them.  Also, how many "close friends" does one person ever really have anyway (and the close ones are the only ones who should matter much)?  If they're not close someone shouldn't have to be texting them all the time, and if they are close then most people don't have "50 best friends" - only a few.
   
   It seems to me if someone has a close friend or two of the other sex they shouldn't have to dump them, but the friend should become a part of the couple's life - not just the one spouse's life.  If it's someone like a "work friend" the other person doesn't usually hang out with after work, and may only go out with occasionally, I don't see that as a problem.  I guess I don't see the occasional (or even daily) text or quick call from one close friend as a big deal, but too many texts or too much phone time with one friend, or else too many texts and phone time with a bunch of friends, just strike me as too much involvement with friends for a married person.  All just my opinion, though. 

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