I have been seeing this guy for approx 1 year now and he says he LOVES ME and other thingsHowever...
I just found out approx 1 month ago that he went a got engaged to his ex. When I confronted him and asked why he didn't tell me, he said he did not know how to. I really love this guy and he supposedly only engaged to her because of his family. He says that he does not live her, and that she knows about me. I am not too sure how true that is. Long story short, I am now pregnant for him and he doesn't know whether or not he is going to marry this girl. He still comes around and says he loves me and will be there throughout the pregnancy and for his child. I an not sure what to do, someone help?
If he became engaged to someone else while he was with you then you're looking at one of two scenarios. Either he doesn't love you or the love that he does have for you is a destructive kind of love. In both cases you would be better off cutting ties with him entirely. Such damaging relationships don't get better, it just becomes a downward spiral of excuses and abuse. What you do with the child is up to you, but it sounds like his presence in your life will just be poisonous.
Even without the other woman, relationships at some point need to move past words to concrete actions. For instance, couples eventually get to the point where they introduce each other to friends/family, start bringing each other to friend/family activities, perhaps move in together, share other property, get engaged, and/or, not just talk about, but begin to actually work towards future plans, etc. This is especially true when a child is part of the equation because at that point the ability to just be in love for the sake of love is over.
From what you have described here, it sounds like he has a whole separate life elsewhere that you aren't really a part of and I hate to be mean but that makes it sound like you are the side order. That doesn't mean he doesn't care for you or love you, but that, to me, just wouldn't be enough anymore. I think I would want to see him make some sort of concrete plan that shows he intends to be a part of your life. Something more than him saying so.
If you haven't met his family, then that would be an excellent example, but it could be simple things like him making sure he is always available in case you need something (do you have his home phone number for instance), or him investing time and money into building a nursery.
It's a tricky situation. it is worth keeping a healthy relationship, since he's the father, but just being a lady on the side isn't acceptable. It's kind of hard giving good advice on such things without knowing the full details. Hope this helps a little.
I have to agree with M.T., things will only get worse from here. If you've been seeing each other for around a year and (#1) he gets engaged to someone else and (#2) doesn't tell you about it...you're already off to a bad start. (I'm guessing you probably found out about it through someone else since you mentioned that you confronted him about it. Not good!) He's not showing you or the other girl any respect, whatsoever. If it's true that he's marrying her because of his family, he's not doing her any favors because he's not marrying her out of love and respect and if he had any love and respect for you he would have either been upfront with you and told you his situation or (if his family really does have that much control over him) he would stand up to his family and commit to you. What you decide to do with the pregnancy is your decision. However, in regards to this person, you deserve much better than him! Trust that in time you will find someone who loves and appreciates you!
In all honesty, your engaged boyfriend sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. You can do better. Much better.
You're a lovely, sincere woman. It is time for you to give yourself more credit and begin believing that you are worth a true commitment, not to mention true love, which your boyfriend does not have. He is still too immature to understand what love and commitment even mean. Frankly, he hasn't a clue. In my book, that simply means he is NOT man enough for you. Whatever happens, do not agree to be his mistress, and make sure he pays child support on a regular, consistent basis.
Once you choose to move forward, you'll eventually be just fine. There really is life after love. In fact, the best is yet to come.
You have to ask yourself one thing. Is this the kind of man you want in your life. He will not change. He is obviously not strong enough to stand up to his family and not man enough to be honest with you. Is this what you want because your life will be filled with deception and indecisiveness. You deserve better. You may love him, but you will heal from it if you walk away.
Think about this. If this man comes around to see you what kind of respect and love is he showing his fiance to be sneaking around. No--you deserve someone to love and cherish you...you do not deserve to be second choice on the menu.
I think all of the responses here are spot on and correct. It's best you move on with your life with positive things and people.
Life is complicated by unplanned pregnancy. Even more so when the relationship is rocky and the baby's father has already moved on. What can a mother do to give her baby the best start in life? read more
It sounds to me like he loves his fiancé and always did.
You were probably a "rebound" for him when they broke up and he may have developed some (feelings) for you. However you are not "the one"! When an opportunity arose for him to get back with the woman he considers to be "the one" he proposed to her!
Now imagine you had a best friend or sister telling you your story. What advice would you give her?
You state that you are "now pregnant (for him)". I assume you mean by him. However did you become pregnant on purpose? Did the pregnancy take place before or after he became engaged? Did he know you were pregnant before he proposed to another woman? How old is he? Why do you believe his family prefers her over you? Have you ever met and socialized with his family?
The reality is if he were "in love" with you he would have shouted it from the mountaintops. He would made it known to family and best friends that you are "the one". His family would have been happy to see how happy you make him.
Based upon what little you mention I suspect he did not make a strong effort to incorporate you into his inner circle of friends, family, and co-workers over the course of your year together.
Essentially this guy cheated on you with his ex and when you busted him he told you he did not know how to tell you he had gotten engaged. My guess is many married men have also told mistresses they did not know how to tell they were (married) either.
Lastly if you believe he had a difficult time telling you about the engagement it's unlikely he found it (easier) to tell the woman he is about to marry that he is expecting a baby with another woman!
He's also telling you that he does not love her (but) he plans to marry her! You can bet he's not telling her that he doesn't love her!
Please don't be so gullible. You're being played! You already know this man is a liar and a cheater! If you end up hurt any further it's (your) own fault! Remove your rose tented glasses.
"Actions speak louder than words!"
If this woman really knows about the baby than contact her and introduce yourself. After all your child is going to be a part of their lives "forever". This woman probably does not know you even exist! Cut him loose and move on but also seek child support when the baby arrives.
If he does not love he should have never got engaged in the first place. He did respect you for going behind your back and committing to his ex. A tough one here he is not sure of marrying the girl is also another mixed up situation the best would is to talk it out. He could also be lying about not marrying this girl if he got engaged so secretly He is trying to the what any father would want to and be there for his child afterward remains to be seen. You can't keep him away from his child but you can show him you are not desperately in need of him now that he is engaged to his ex. His love lies with his ex.
Camile you have made a mess of your life. How can you trust a person who says he loves you, but gets engaged to another girl? You should have been careful about him and not allowed such physical proximity with him before marriage. At least now, confront him and tell him that he cannot take you for granted and that if he truly loves you he should break clean of that girl and marry you. If he truly loves you he will do it.
There should be no thinking about it! Respect yourself by getting ride of him, he sure doesn't respect you. Chances are if you let him and allow it he will continue to run back and forth between the two of you and have the best of both worlds. You deserve better. Lots of us have raised children on our own, and so can you. Set the terms guide lines and child support. You'll never trust him and it will be a toxic relationship.
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