My biggest concern is that everytime we have a fight about our finances he tells me when I get a job I can make decisions about the money. I am a stay at home mom with 2 kids ages 3 and 1 and I do the house and cook and take care of the kids. I know i don't make actual money but that should not disclude me from the decisions of the house. How can I get it through to him it hurts me or will I be able to get it through to him
Just because he has this attitude does not mean everything else is bad ?? On one hand I admire Rightangle and others but surely they have more to complain about than an issue of respect over finances; one issue does not necessarily mean an asshole ?
Here, where there is a different negotiation between male and female, it is generally considered the man's job, responsibility, business, to bring home the bacon. The woman's job is the home, family and keeping up the huge web of family relationships. The argument that starts this is about family finances - and it should be remembered that in these circumstances HE has the pressures outside of bringing home enough bacon to satisfy HER - keeping his job, having to submit to whatever it takes to keep his job, having to accept that HIS place in life is set for the foreseeable future - so no more dreams except the one he is living. SHE often has the same problem about dreams put on hold ?
It is not my intention to stir up anything feminist, or defend HIM if he is an asshole, or HER if she is a nag, just pointing up that HE may be a super guy facing his own issues not the dick***d that other girls commenting on here assume that he is in comparing HIM to their own ex-di***eads ?? Peace and love ah
I know just how you feel. We both work and still I'm not included in any decision regarding money or anything else for that matter. Bad enough that his eldest son works (I mean worked for me at my business)for me and he would call and ask DAD about things concerning my place of business, when I'm the boss. Guess what I fired him last night. And I must say it felt REAL GOOD!
My husband and I have always been open with our finances. We shared everything we had and nothing was 'this is my money, and that is your money'.
However, a couple years ago, my husband thought it might be great if I went back to work to make some extra money with a 1 year old and a 3 year old at home. I went along with it and started working part time. After a couple of months, I was burned out. I was still doing everything in the household, plus working.
When I brought the situation up to my husband, it was always a fight. SO, I stopped fighting and also stopped working my ass off in the home. I took care of my children, their meals, their clothes, their cuddles, etc. It didn't take long for my husband to notice the pile of HIS clothes beside the bed, and the lack of a meal at supper. It also didn't take him long to agree that he needed to be sharing household duties. It has been that way ever since and I believe we have a good respect for eachother.
Now when he has firewood to cut and stack or a driveway to shovel, if he needs help I'm there for him. and when I have an upside down house, laundry and meals to make, he helps me. We both have huge jobs and huge responsibilities. Not one bigger than the other. We just have to recognize that and help instead of whine.
My partner hasn't earned actual money for years but she works considerably harder than I do. Try opening his eyes by making him do your job for a week. Unless he's a total arse, he'll soon realise that being a mum is harder than anything he has to do at work.
Take a vacation for a week or two alone and let him do what you do everyday and see how he feels then .Sometimes men dont realize what idiots they are so its our jobs as women to help them realize it.
That you work at home without compensation allows him to do his job. Think about adding up your work hours and then figure out how much people would pay for the things that you do at home. Then sit down with him and have a talk, not a confrontation and let him know 1) how much value you bring into the household and 2) by doing this for free, it allows him to do his job at that salary. If this doesn't make him realize that you and he should be making money decisions together, then let him know that you are entitled to a salary and negotiate with him how much that would be and this should let him realize that you do earn so that you should make money decisions together.
After all that, if he's not being reasonable then I'm afraid that he is on a power trip, he does take you for granted and things can only go downhill from there.
That really hurts, the best thing I could advice you is to talk to him regarding this matter and tell him that your concern is like this and that. Feel free to express yourself. Me and my partner used to argue also regarding money matters, however, after discussing each others part, we will work out for it. That's just a matter of misunderstanding, all you have to do is to understand and learn to give.
It can get better, let him know how you feel WITHOUT it being a confrontational thing. tell him you have a concern and don't know how to say it but you want him to listen and let you get it out. Let him know you are not doing it in any kind of confrontational way but these are your thoughts.If he is overwhelmed and holding things in that is why he answers like he does. He needs to know you respect the fact that he is the sole financial provider but he still needs to know you are the sole home provider. Both of you need to make the decisions on family matters both for the home and the finances. Have him read my hub on men being the man of the home. I'm not perfect don't know it all, but I was there too. Good luck in all you 2 do and how it works for you. The best thing you both can do is find a good bible preaching and teaching church and get involved in it. Hope it goes well!
Omg he seriously needs to get his head out of his ass on that one. Grrrr these men that don't realise that a woman at home with kids is a full-time job already and the most important job of all. That makes me gag men with this attitude. I'll come sort him out for you.
I was in this situation. I simply got a job. I then saved from my salary until I could buy a house. Then I left him. He tried to get custody of the children, lying about my mental status and qualities as a mother. The girls made it very clear to the court that they wanted to stay with. I got custody with no problem. End of story.
How did you get a job? Do you mean after the kids were in school?
Omg I love this. If I had a hat on my head I would take it off to you.How awesome!!
I got a part-time job, which let me take them to playgroup. Then when they went to school, I moved to full time. It meant having a child minder and picking them up at 7pm from her because I commuted 50 miles by bus and train to work and back and their father, who had a car, was too ambitious to leave the lab early in order to pick them up after school.
are you able to communicate about other important topics in your marriage? hard to say why he feels this way, but you should certainly have a say as you are the one buying and cooking the food, taking care of the home and kids! do you have a budget?
Then don't respect his views back at him, everytime he talks just say..."Whatever" talk to the hand because because it listens, trust me he won't like it!!
Call me a psychology genius!!
Um...tempting, but dissing him back won't do anything but escalate the tensions in the house.
I have six divorces in my past (Pam's my 7th wife, we're in our 14th year together, and very much hooked at the hip). Based on my (admittedly unenviable) experience and what you've stated, I really doubt he's going to listen. With 4 of my exes, we were able to discuss things and came to agreement before splitting the sheets. The other two "couldn't hear me"--very much as it sounds like your husband "can't hear" you.
In those cases, I eventually chose to run. (In the first of those, she was a tiny lady, but full of rage. In the second case, I brought up a couple of issues I felt we needed to address--and she laughed at me.) By running, I mean that literally: Left a note on the table and left the state.
Not that I have any advice as such, except possibly this: Trust your gut. We usually know, deep inside, where the truth lies...though the biggest problem is all too often trusting that knowledge enough to act on it.
I agree....two toddlers...plus cooking and cleaning....!!! that's one hell of a responsibility. You're doing the MOST important thing in the world: keeping a 'home' together. So, never ever let anyone think any less of you because of it...
Besides, it's a very difficult stage for any mother at this time (children too young to go to school) so you need all the help and love you can from him.....it's the least you deserve....
Oh, the girls and I had several years in poverty once I left their father. It was tough and they were deprived of many things that their peers had. However, children have a wonderful capacity for understanding and forgiveness. My girls are now wonderful and confident young women, but we are the best of friends. When I had major surgery two years ago, they made big sacrifices in time and money to travel out to help me. I expressed guilt about this and the answer I got was, "You looked after us so well when we were little, Mummy. Now it's our turn to look after you." Sob....
just teared up at this....god, you're a wonderfully strong woman.......just in awe here....!
I think you're fabulous and your girls obviously think so too. It's so touching and definitely the right thing to do in your case.
Awww, stop it you lot. I'm no better than anyone else, just a bolshie old cow who won't be put upon
China man, finances can be the make or break of a relationship. Try keeping your self-respect when you are left some pound notes in a cupboard, which you have to use to buy food and clothe the children. Imagine what it feels like when you have to beg to get a bit extra to buy underwear for yourself. I spent years buying my clothes from charity shops from the bits I could save from shopping for food and necessities. Magazines, make-up and other little frivolities didn't even enter into the equation. I went with him once for a night out in the pub with one of his foreign PhD students. I dressed up a little, put some mascara on, because I had not been out so long. I was accused of being mutton dressed as lamb, out to seduce his student, WTF!
Money is not the be and end all, but when you have absolutely none for yourself, while your partner is earning well, it like as hell starts to colour your view of the situation.
Yes - I agree - my point was that the post-ess may not be in the same position. I have every sympathy for the position you were in but maybe you are loading their relationship with the same bullets. I admire your ability to get yourself out from under someone who is clearly controlling and unsuitable as a man but not all relationships are like that.
Sounds like a cruel man WriteAngled...Im glad you left him
Sounds exactly like my parents' marriage. Surprise, surprise, my mother did exactly what you did. Only she did it the other way round - got the hell out and *then* got a job.
I actually agree with China Man here.
In this situation we have a new hubber that no one welcomed in the first place so welcome to the forums and good luck on your adventure here.
Secondly, we have now attacked her man. Yes, she was opening up the playing field however she is also asking for advice about a situation that she feels she needs help with and we jump in and attack right along with her. Nice to have solidarity but it does nothing to solve the real problem.
If he is indeed being the man that it seems here, it is most likely because he feels overburdened by the responsibility of bringing home all the bacon. What I would do is make out a list of what you are saving him in the long run by being a stay at home mother. Include childcare for two, going rate is somewhere in the 200 buck rate a week and that is on the cheap side, add in the fact that for the 1 yr old you will have to provide food for him/her, diapers, wipes, extra clothes for those times that there is an accident etc, now add in your wardrobe. Gas, car, insurance, etc. Go to the extreme and include extra money for you to either take your lunch or buy it out including in this snacks and a trip to the coffee house on the way to work after you drop the kids at daycare. Then you want to add in dry cleaning because women's suits can't be washed and dried at home, the increase in dinner's on the go because you can't possibly be expected to fix dinner every night of the week. The extra expense of trips to the doctor because the kids will be exposed to everything under the sun in daycare and then trips to the doctor for when you get sick etc.
Once you present him with what he saves every month by you staying home and taking such excellent care of him and your home he may see that it isn't all his burden and you really are contributing in ways that he never thought of and might back off his rough demeanor.
Answering questions like yours -- and guiding families when there is a problem -- is what I do for a living.
First, there is an actual dollar-value for the work you do as a stay-at-home mom. It varies on location, but in general, your work is equivalent to approx. $117,000.00 per year. There are online calculators available that will figure out YOUR exact dollar-value.
The problem here isn't that you don't get an actual paycheck and he does, etc. And though you've read an inspirational example that includes divorce, working and putting the money aside for post-divorce life is, well, unethical. (Imagine if you discovered that your husband was doing this!) The ONLY time I condone that sort of thing is when abuse is involved, and even then, there are better ways to handle the situation.
A marriage will crumble if there isn't an open and honest exchange between spouses. Learning HOW to do this, though, takes practice, patience, and tolerance.
When I hear, "He doesn't understand..." or "She just doesn't get it..." it signals to me that 1) feelings and thoughts aren't being expressed in a way that the other person will HEAR them; 2) someone doesn't know how to show understanding; 3) there is a level of resentment that stops someone from solving the issue.
In your case, I wonder what it is that HE thinks YOU don't understand? My guess is that there is something. Starting there might help. If you show him that you can listen to his needs, etc., it will ease tension when you ask for his understanding, etc.
I'd be happy to give you specific, personal guidance, but I'd need more details. You can contact me via this site, or on www.lyndagary.com
hang in there
Reading through all the posts have showed how hard it is when the going gets tough. I swear when it comes to life whoever says money doesn’t matter is kidding. Practically everything costs money and it is so true that being independent can be intimidating and liberating. Writeangled all I have to say is you go girl!!! Cheers to women power.
This does not sound like a healthy relationship. We teach peotple how to treat us--I put a link to my Healthy Relation ship article. I hope this helps.
http://hubpages.com/hub/Relationships-W … lationship
catch him asleep and sew him up in the sheets. Then beat the crap out of him with your broom stick. He'll wise up real quick like.
jczl2009, lynnchandler mentioned people attacking your husband; and this isn't meant to be an attack on him, or to encourage trouble; but my immediate reaction to your thread is that you have every right to see this as an issue. I'm just going to give my "unedited" response to this - for good or ill, right or wrong:
I see this as a two-part problem: 1. I think you and he need to establish who will make what decisions about money (ideally after first talking about what goes into the decision), based on who is the most skilled at managing money BUT ALSO who is the most skilled at understanding the family's need for certain spending. People who only know how not to spend money (no matter what) often think/act like they're the best managers of the money. "Managing" money needs knowing what's important and how to spend/save it most wisely. It isn't good enough to say, "Just don't ever spend," or "If it isn't food or a roof over our head nobody needs it." Children and families often need some things that will contribute to their overall wellbeing, even if nobody is going to eat.
There's a chance one of you is better at managing money. There's also the chance, though, that one of you understands why some spending is important for a family's wellbeing. (For example, the husband who thinks it's ok for his family to live with no furniture but x number of resin chairs and big box for a table may know how to save his money; and that may not even be such a "bad" thing for a couple with a baby (who doesn't know better); but children old enough to know the difference would benefit from living in a normal home. That's a feeble example, but you know what I mean about needs other than food and a roof.
So I think the two of you need to discuss this type of thing. Something else is this: Whoever manages the money shouldn't be someone who doesn't even consult (to get input) his partner.
If it were me, I'd tell him, "We need to work out something healthier than this, so we need to talk. If we can't talk it out by ourselves we need to get a counselor who will help us both see the other person's side better and maybe be more at peace with it." I'd tell him, "I care about our marriage and you, and I don't want this to become destructive; but you're acting as if you have no respect for me. I don't like it, and I'm not having it. If you won't work with me, I'll see that as your not caring about our marriage, which isn't a small thing."
Other than trying to talk and work out some plan that doesn't disregard your input, I think your husband needs someone to tell him that being the one who brings in the money doesn't make him king. In a marriage, it's not supposed to be "all his" money. If you weren't staying home with the children you'd be bringing in money too. He's one of a zillion people who seems to think the fact that he works means he should be able to treat someone who doesn't without respect. Based only what you said, it isn't even possible to know if you're someone who actually does want to spend on things that may be frivolous; but that isn't even the point. If the deal is that he manages the money, fine. Managing the money, though, shouldn't mean he gets to dismiss what you want to do by "reminding" you that you don't bring in the money.
Even if the agreement is that he's in charge of the money, that shouldn't mean that your input should be completely disregarded. And, even if you're willing to live with some miserly person who won't spend a penny, his refusal to consider your input should be accompanied by a better explanation than the kind of remark you described. In other words, I think if there's absolutely no hope you can talk and get better balance with regard to who makes the decisions; if nothing else, you should talk about the fact that his attitude is demeaning and insulting to you. I don't think this particular talk should be about the fact that it hurts you. I think (right or wrong of me) it should be about the fact that he's wrong in his attitude and treatment of you, as his wife and partner in the shared endeavor of having a home and family. To me, even this second kind of conversation ends up getting nowhere else, it should at least accomplish his realizing that he's got a bad attitude, that he understands why, and that he agrees to at least adjust that aspect of his attitude and treatment of you. If, by any chance, it's a case of your having a better understand of the family's emotional wellbeing (as individuals and as a family unit) (and not just whether anyone eats), he may need to have it pointed out that "man does not live by bread alone" (and that children, in particular, don't).
Of course one major problem with a husband (or anyone) who won't respect you is that anything you say isn't anything he'll listen to, or pay attention to either. He may pretend to get your points. He may listen if he thinks it will end the immediate dispute. If he's just one of those people who isn't ever going to respect someone because she doesn't work, or because she's a woman, there's always the chance that all the talk in the world won't do any good.
In fairness to him, if he's someone who works hard and does his best to provide for the family; and if, for example, he's the type to once in awhile feel he deserves to buy himself something, that's not all that unreasonable either. Everybody needs to buy something a little extra now and then - but that means the children and you do, as well.
I don't know.... I don't know if any of this is right or wrong, but I think this kind of stuff is the kind of stuff you need to talk about.
Unlike Lynda, I'm not someone who counsels families. I'm just someone who has had first-hand experience with how marital problems can grow to monstrous proportions when money and respect issues are a thread that runs through a marriage. A lot of couples live with, and survive, money arguments, of course. I don't think too many people can live for too long, not feeling respected by the person who should love and respect them most.
I'm sorry, but he sounds like a jerk. Did you guys make the decision together that you would stay home with the kids? If so, then he needs to get over his self and quickly. What's his is you're, unless he can put a price on what you have to contend with during the course of your day, he needs to shut the hell up.
Or better yet, the next time he mouths off, I would tell him "ok fine, I'll work and you keep your dumb a@% home" Give him a taste of what he is obivously missing~~
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