You love her yes ... but are you in your 20's, 30's, maybe older with unresolved issues with your Mom?
Yes. I hate my mother. She almost killed me as a child (instead she left me with a tube in my throat for 11 years.)
Some issues just have to remain unresolved!
I have had issues with my mom, even now she tries to dominate my life, I have learned to give each things its place, nothing bothers me anymore, I go all out to be kind to her I do my best and I find her changing. Now she is becoming more dependent on me when she has to make her decisions.
Oh my goodness WryLilt .... I'm sorry for what happened to you. No matter what was going on, you couldn't have deserved her anger. I understand why you need to stay away. If you haven't already, I hope you are able to find peace one day.
Sorry to hear that, WryLit. It sounds like an issue to not be bothered by the why's but rather be thankful she failed.
Yes and no. I understand that everything she did, no matter how messed up, was done with the best of intentions in order to give me a good life.
That being said, she still micro manages me and questions every single decision I make. It's only the right decision if she makes it-even if it's clearly the wrong one. My mother is never wrong and always justified.
It's irritating but I have learned to [mostly] overlook most of what she does and follow my gut and experience. I am grateful for everything she has done for me and my children and that balances out her character flaws!
By the way, does anybody else notice that, so far, it's only the women who have issues with their mothers?
... I noticed that Chaotic Chica - it's one of the reasons I posted the question. I know it's not always like that. I like to look at the childhood histories of criminals, particularly serial killers. A good portion of those males recount stories of abuse from their mothers.
No, mother in laws are in a class entirely by themselves and there aren't many men or women who don't have issues with her! LOL
@ luvpassion .... I would say they count - up to a point. They didn't have to raise you and you didn't and don't have to deal with them at their worst so it's a bit different.
Yes, I also have unresolved issues with my mom. But, I'm close to feeling sorry for her...the thing holding me back is - how can any parent choose to favor one child over the other?
I'll never get my answers either, because I'm free. All I can do now is speculate.
WELL MOTHER IN LAWS CAN BE A SERIOUS TRIP SO PRAY ABOUT IT. SOME MOTHER IN LAWS ARE MEAN, LOVING OR JUST NOSEY. SOME CAN BE YOUR BEST FREIND AT TIMES. MOTHER IN LAWS LOOK OUT FOR BEST INTEREST IN THEIR CHILDREN
Nope, never have been pissed with my mom (except momentarily, as a teen ).
I would have to say the same. my mom and I got along very well, especially when I actually got to know her more as a person rather than only as my mother.
my heart always goes out to those who were/are mistreated by their mom. as a mother myself, I can't fathom mistreating your own children.
I'm over 50, my mom is over 89 years, and I still have issues with her, though I'm a lot more understanding now than when I was younger.
I'm willing to let the horrible past go, willing to let it sleep. The one thing that gets to me now, is--she treats me like a child. Maybe I'll always be a child to her, but she seems to me to be much less like a responsible adult than I am, since she has been dependent on others her whole life. Why, then, does she try to boss me around like I'm three years old???
Ah, well. Sigh. Some things never change, some things can't be helped, and I just have to grin and bear it!
Maybe her regressing me is really making me younger!!! You never know.
No, I have no major issues with my mom...anymore. There are some things that she did while I was younger that I'm still dealing with, but since then she's learned from her mistakes and we've been able to start over getting to know each other. She still has the ability to get under my skin sometimes, but then who doesn't get on another's nerves every now and then? The important thing to me is that she's trying...she's demonstrated that I really am important to her and she wants to try to right the wrongs of the past, and that's enough for me.
As for mothers in law...I LOVE my mother in law! She was absolutely awesome, and practically adopted me from day one. However, I ended up not being able to live with her son...she's still awesome though, even though she's no longer my mother in law.
Now, my dad, on the other hand...
I am very fortunate to have had the perfect parents - I'm serious. My mom was the best person I have ever known, and my dad wasn't far behind!
Same here, habee. My mother slipped up a little once, but under the circumstances it was easy to understand, for the most part. I think a lot of problems younger people have with parents isn't always even that the parents do something wrong. Often, younger people just don't understand where their parents are coming from until they get to be their parents' age, having kids the age they are now, and realize how it all works.
The thing that often kind of "kills" me is how some grown kids think they're so superior to their mother; and, to my thinking, if someone thinks he's so "wonderful", doesn't he realize there's a good chance it's because he had the mother he had? I'm not talking about the people who feel damaged and flawed by their parents, but the people who think they're just fine and superior to their mothers.
Sounds like you had a great childhood habee! That's excellent! I'm hoping more kids in the world can one day share your experience. Thank you for sharing
I think that some people just should never have been allowed to have kids. As to the rest of the folks, well, there is no study guide. You learn as you go. Some parents get it right the first time around, and others need remedial courses before they figure it out. Unfortunately for many of us, it takes years before we figure out that our Moms and/or Dads were just slow learners--not bad people.
My mum and I were close when i was a kid, things changed during my teenage years. The bond got a lot better for few years after that and nowadays we again don't seem to agree on anything. So, it's a kind of love-hate-love relationship.. But she does have a remarkable presence in my life. There's nothing i hide from her although i know that she would never agree with what i said or did.
I have written a hub on mother daughter relationship. Do check it out when you get time.
@swapna ... I seem to have a love-hate-love relationship with my daughters all the time Drives me nuts at times; but as long as we're communicating I guess we're ok.
I will check out your hub and when you get a chance check out the one I just published about Mama's favorites. Let me know what you think.
Thank you for sharing!
Yes,I have had serious issues with my mother which were not resolved. But she is no more now so I do not see why I should hold a grudge and not forgive her. At least I am grateful that the mistakes my mother made has helped me in making sure that I do not commit the same mistakes with my kids.
And that's the way it should be @Shopping Online. It took me awhile to get to that point and it's the point I wanted to drive home in my latest hub. I'm glad you have been able to come to an understanding so that your kids don't suffer like you did.
I have unresolved issues with birth mother and foster mother. They are both like the elephant in the room! Lovely to hear that there are some people like Habee speaking so lovingly of their parents. It reminds you that there are some great parents out there. Shame I didn't have them. However, one can't define oneself through parents and we can't change our past - so I try to concentrate on what I can change.
@ Precious Williams ... You're right ... we can't keep living our lives through our parents eyes, particularly if their eyes only see our negative side. I never knew my biological Mom, barely remember my foster mom; and my adoptive Mom never took the time to really approve of me, except when it made her look good. It does my heart good to hear of good Mom/child relationships too.
for 10years i had serious issues with my mum, thanks to my father, but those went away when he died a year ago. she's old and all i see now is a frail old lady that can't look after herself and needs me.
anyone who has issues with their mum or dad or brother (i loath my brother which will never change!) but the point is.. one day, we are all going to be old and frail.. i've put myself in mums shoes so-to-speak and accept now that when i get old, i would like someone to look after me, and feel compassion and take the stress out of just trying to stay healthy and alive.
in the last year since her becoming a widow after 57years mum and i have become best friends and now, i miss her when she's not arround. she is staying with me at the moment and although i spend a lot of time at my computer, we spend just as much time knowing the other cares.
oh, by the way, i hated my dad with a vengance and still do but i respect him for making sure mum had enough food and items when he died, to last her an entire year..
life's too short to feel angry or hurt or to have unresolved issues.. the arguing only lasts a few days while ya clear the air, but it's worth it in the long run.
@ sugz .... excellent point ... and I can relate - My mother and I never really got to be mother and daughter - I always found myself trying to please her without ever getting to that point and then I got tired of the effort.
But when my sis and realized that she couldn't live alone anymore, I didn't hesitate to take a leave of absence from work and go live with her. Seeing her so humble, non-judgmental and appreciative erased all those years of drama in my eyes.
its amazing how age can do that aye..
mum is totally greatful of beign looked after, part of it i think is she hasn't been alone for 57years, until now. i can't fathom beign with someone that long then losing them.
i'm not religeous, but it does say in the bible.. do unto others as you would have them do unto you..
what goes round comes round aye
no, not anymore. i was never really angry, though i could have been. i was just terribly hurt by the way she treated me. she is dead now but if she came back to life, i would embrace her and forgive her and tell her that i love her, even though she never said those words to me once.
ya know you can still forgive her, in your heart. and realise that if she never loved you, she would ahve adopted you out at birth, and as years went on.. not supplied the things you needed or disciplined you for doing wrong..
if you are a parent too, think about the ways you show your children your love, i'm not talking about hugs and words.. all those other ways
my mum never told me she loved me, until early this year when she was in hospital for emergency surgery.. only then did she learn to understand what loving another person really was. i know she loved the old man in a weird old person way, but they had become strangers of love many years before. i don't think any of us ever understand the way things were until we are parents and learn to love ourselves freely without the feeling of selfishness that the older generations were taught and bestowed on many of us.
My mother, when I was a child, was nervous and anxious, sometimes depressed and often angry. Shesuffering because lived a life that she did not want, and did not even want me. I grew up believing she words when she said that I was stupid and I lived in incoherence: she sometimes brutally punished me and in other moment she was completely indifferent. For this attitude I underestimated me and I was insecure. Today I understood many things and I've forgiven her.
Interesting to come upon this thread today, as my meditation reading this morning was about FORGIVENESS and why it's essential to let go of old hurts so we can live freely in the present.
I spent a lot of years very angry at my mother. Once I had my eyes opened to what her disease (alcoholism) was really all about, I changed my attitude. I feel fortunate that I had that shift in thinking. Don't believe my sister or brother have had it, hence they remain angry and bitter about our mom.
Today I choose to focus on the things she WAS rather than the things she WASN"T. I can't blame her for how I turned out. I can look at the pattern she set for parenting (which I unwittingly followed). Luckily I have the opportunity to change that, too.
All I can say to those still struggling to understand/cope with/move past childhood hurts and mistreatment is: DROP THE ROCK. It feels soooooo much better!
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