Staying together for the kids?

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   IntimatEvolutionposted 13 years ago

   I've got a friend, and quite frankly she is staying in an unhappy and loveless marriage for her kids.  I think that is just as unhealthy.  What's your point of view?  Would you stay in just for the kids?

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      Stevennix2001posted 13 years agoin reply to this

      if she's only staying for the kids, then she's doing it for the wrong reasons then.  I came from a broken home myself, as my parents separated with i was around 10 or 12, but they tried to make it work for me and my brother.  the problem?  they both couldn't stand each other, and my father was unwilling to accept any type of marriage counseling unless the counselor sided with him completely.  If he/she disagreed even in the slightest, well my father deemed them to be biased.  Hence, they only became more miserable together, and in a round about way, me and my brother were miserable too.  As my father had a huge short temper, so when our mother wasn't around, where do you think that anger was aimed at?  I won't go into the full details of what happened, but lets just say it's a good thing I'm not dead right now, and that's all im going to say about that. 
      
      that's why i don't think it's a good idea that your friend stay with their husband for the kid's sake, as it doesn't matter how old they are, they're going to have to accept that they're parents are splitting up eventually whether they like it or not.  that's just a fact.  why prolong the inevitable?  unless she really loves the guy, and they're both willing to work things out completely, then i say go for it.  however, if her husband is too set in his ways to change for her, and neither love each other anymore, then it's cruel to stay married.  Not only are you two ruining your own lives, but the kids suffer too, as they're often forced to choose between parents, and be the subject of blame. 
      
      of course, they finally divorced when i was 13, but by then the damage was done, and things just got worse from there.

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2. 61

   paradigmsearchposted 13 years ago

   How old are the kids?

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3. 59

   Priscilla_Beeposted 13 years ago

   I come from a family where my parents stayed in a long, drawn out, tense, negative relationship for me and my siblings.  But I honestly dont think that it is worth it to stay in a bad relationship if it is for the kids. 
   
   Growing up I clearly remember feeling
   1)trapped
   2)afraid
   3)scared
   4)hopeless
   5)did I do something wrong?
   
   These feelings led me to be an adult who felt....
   1)alot of fear
   2)depression
   3)insecurity
   4)anxiety
   5)not being able to trust my own relationships
   
   But it also affect my siblings in negative ways as well.
   
   I think that if you want to raise your kids to be confident, and make good decisions...staying in it for the kids usually does not cut it.  It just makes a broken family, even more broken.

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4. 0

   bluetiger1520posted 13 years ago

   Staying together for the kids, doesn't work, because kids see and hear everything; rather you realize it or not. Kids are smater than you think. Sometimes it's best for all parties to just move on.

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5. 60

   CameoTposted 13 years ago

   Staying together for the kids? For what reason? To show them an unhealthy marriage/relationship? My parents divorced when I was 10 years old and quite frankly the last year of their marriage all I remember was them fighting constantly. Sure it was hard to deal with Thanksgiving with Mom Christmas with Dad, and Step parents and siblings BUT it taught me a ton about life and reality and I gained two step brothers and a half sister!

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6. 50

   Educatethepublicposted 13 years ago

   My wife and I are certainly having issues.  Basically, the issues are deep with my wife. I'm not saying I am a saint, but my wife has come to the realization (her words) that all her life she has done what ever other people wanted her to do.  Well, to some extent this is true. Her mother does a great guilt trip job on my wife with "aren't you coming to Iowa for Thanksgiving?"
   
   My wife blames me for our moves and our current situation, even though (as I recall vividly), we made our latest move as a choice together. (Now she says she never wanted to move.)
   
   Our oldest is now in college. Our youngest is 16 (girl). She hears us rant and rave.  My daughter feels guilty. I have talked with her about the fighting not being her fault.  She and I are very close, but I can tell her she is trying to reach out to her mother, only to be pushed away.
   
   I wish my wife would take a sabbatical from being a mom, which is what she really needs.
   
   I am not sure what to do. I love my wife, but every day is hard - she is basically angry with me and life.  Advice?

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   1. 73

      Jillian Barclayposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Your wife is suffering from clinical depression, I am sure! I read your other posts and it sounds like you are trying to take care of yourself for her and your teenaged daughter who is at home. Your wife is probably immobile and at this point in her illness (it is an illness), she is unable to make any moves to help herself. She is helpless and hopeless. Is there anyone that she trusts right now? Does she have a long time best friend? Does she see a doctor for medical issues? If she does, you may have to contact the doctor and simply state that you are not asking for any privileged information about your wife, but that you need to inform the doctor of her hopelessness and that you are really worried that she may harm herself. Your wife needs medication and professional intervention now, not later. Granted, you cannot force her to do anything, but she probably cannot help herself right now. She is probably pushing your daughter away because she is protecting your daughter. Probably somewhere in the back of her mind, if she keeps you and your daughter away, she is keeping you both safer than if she lets you in to share her dark world.
      If you have a therapist, which you say you do, your therapist needs to give you some help with this. I am so sorry that you lost your youngest daughter and then to have a miscarriage is obviously more then your wife can bear. Everyone has a different breaking point. Your wife is broken and cannot help herself. If she has made or makes any statements that lead you to believe she may harm herself, you must 5150 her! Forcing her to go into the hospital may be your only option. It is not betrayal! You may be saving her life! And even though your teenaged daughter seems okay, she has lost a little sister and for all intents and purposes, she has lost her mom to this depression. You cannot let your wife check out! You can leave her later if that is what you decide, but right now you have to intervene with everything you have! Your therapist must help you and if your therapist has no help to offer, you have the wrong therapist! Find someone who will help-as I said, begin with your therapist and her medical doctor right now! Again, I am so sorry for your losses, but you will end up losing far more if this goes where I fear it may!
      
      This is the best advice I can give you. I don't want to seem  harsh, but you have to move on this!

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7. 72

   Diane Insideposted 13 years ago

   You know i don't know the answer to this by no means. But I do reacall when I was about 16 years old my parents were in a funk, I guess.
   
   My mom was particularly mad one day, and she had said she was ready to leave my father. Looking back I did notice she was acting pretty miserable back then. But I was 16 so what did I know, I was in my own world I think.
   
   All I remember saying to her was something to the effect of, If she was going to leave him why did she wait to do it now when we are older and it would effect us more, why didn't she do it when we were young and wouldn't know the difference.  Again, what did I know. 
   
   Anyway they did not seperate and are still married.  And My husband informed me that my dad told him on one of their fishing trips one day, that my mom told him she was the happiest she has ever been now that he has semi-retired and spends more time with her.
   
   So I doubt this helps, but I do think as long as there is no violence in the home, or bad environment for kids, it is possible to work things out and actually be happy in the relationship.

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8. 0

   china manposted 13 years ago

   I stayed in an already failed marriage for a further 10 years for the kids, leaving when they left for Uni.
   
   It seems to have worked out ok for the kids, I did not engage in conflicts with my wife, I supported everyone and everything with my mouth shut.  The toll on me was almost too much but I chose to put my kids first. She didn't and used every advantage against me in unimagineable ways now, and is still doing so with my kids 10 years after our divorce.
   
   Was it worth it?  I would say yes, I have no guilty concience about them and they come before me, would I accidentally run my wife over if she stepped out in front of my car - absolutely.

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      Diane Insideposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Oh that's awful, about not being able to work it out.
      
      But I think it is wonderful that you put your kids first, they may not realize it, but at least you know you did what you thought was best for them.
      
      Even though they may get different information, than you give them from you ex they will still see it for what it is, and someday they will understand, if not already.
      
      Glad you stuck it out though.

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         china manposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         It all does me very little good, I do not give any information to my kids about it all, and she never stops.  They are adult and their life is set with how they live now, I am not about to stir them up with conflict now - after preventing it for this long.

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            Diane Insideposted 13 years agoin reply to this

            Sorry China Man, wish it was better for you.  You are right not to stir up trouble now, it wouldn't help.
            
            And you never know it way just drive a wedge between you and them.
            
            Sorry it has been rough, Hope things to work out for you though.

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      Stevennix2001posted 13 years agoin reply to this

      well china man, your definitely a bigger man than most of us would have.  if a girl did that to me, I don't know if i would be able to stay for the long haul.  however, i'm sorry to hear that you had to endure all that though.  hopefully, your kids appreciate you for the sacrifices you've made for them. 

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9. 58

   dawnMposted 13 years ago

   well I wrote an article on this very topic and the pro's and con's, manypeople commented like they did here.  i would say work on your marriage Until you have exhausted every chance and then leave as friends so that the kids can still have both parnets in their lives.  On the other hand if you can fake it and live a life with your spouse and not make everyone miserable around you then do that...but I think that is wishfull thinking..

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      china manposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      On the other hand if you can fake it and live a life with your spouse and not make everyone miserable around you then do that...but I think that is wishfull thinking..
      
      It can be done if you are prepared to put yourself second - and it does not last too long     It also helped for me that I worked contracts all aover the world and so was not there 24/7, this probably was how I could keep it up for longer than a yerar or so.

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