Marriage is the most beautiful thing with the right partner and Divorce is the most painful thing with the wrong partner!
Before you propose or marry your girlfriend, you need to observe certain issues that would make or break your union.
1- You need to visit her parents house, why?
1a - If the parents are still married, that is a huge plus!
1b - If the Mother is tyrannical and clearly the dominant partner, beware because that is going to be your fate.
1c If the Dad is abusive, then please do not even stay for lunch or dinner. Be careful, because an abusive father can destroy the daughter's psyche about men and the symptoms will show up in your union whether you like it or not.
2 - If your girlfriend is from a broken home, then you need to proceed very carefully. Her concept of marriage is altered and know that she will not hesitate to dump you as soon as she gets what she wants.
3 - Pay careful attention to her best friends. If all her friends are single, your marriage might be doomed before it begins.
Many more issues contribute to a successful marriage, but the above pointers can be called the foundation stone of any good marriage.
I have noticed that the best girlfriends to marry, are ones with a very strong father around.
Wow... this is interesting insight! I can't say your observations are true or false but they are definitely interesting. Do keep in mind that people can't help where they come from or the choices their parents made. All we can do is strive to be better than our parents and make different decisions. Sometimes coming from dysfunctional backgrounds such as broken homes can make a person want just the opposite for their own families. I think it's better to base our judgments on the individual as opposed to things that are out of their control such as the decisions their parents chose to make. Great hub though and thank you for sharing!
Turning that around: why would you not visit her parents' house, and why is not visiting it a good thing? Are you saying you'd refuse to visit, ever? 'Cos that just sounds rude to me.
Yes. Sometimes. But just because people stay married, it doesn't mean that the marriage is a happy or healthy one. Some people stay in dysfunctional marriages for decades.
1b and 1c: Yes, sometimes. But not always. I don't necessarily think that upbringing equals destiny.
Aargh. All women from broken homes dump their mates as soon as they "get what they want"? Please.
Or she might be quite young and the first in her "crowd" to get married.
You presumably mean "strong in a good way", not "strong as in overbearing and bullying".
I like your thoughtful reply to this. The original poster looked at the first level, which is certainly important, but you pointed out that there are many exceptions and the 'rules' do not always apply.
Many people do not even consider the first list.
(BTW: this probably should have been a hub subject rather than a forum post.) Ooops! user has been banned.
LOL, I'd forgotten this thread existed - perhaps that new feature, where you're notified every time someone responds to your forum posts, is actually not such a bad thing.
The OP was just being too deterministic about it all, which is kind of a hot button issue for me. EVERY woman who grew up in a broken home is exploitative in relationships? Come on!
I've known plenty of people who had a less than ideal upbringing, and have managed to rise above it. Nurture does not always determine nature. Grr.
Marriage was created for and by women. A man would not come up with an idea like that.
marriage was created by the church in a way to stop sex at a young age and to create more ways for people to be interested in religion.
alltho i have to admit those women out there with this constant desire for marriage are looking for something impossible. true love is not possible in a consideration love exists but love can be manipulated into making it better or worse, how ever true love and harmony is very improbable.
Quite a list.. anyway thanks for sharing that checklist
hmm well, coming from a dysfunctional home like everyone I would have to say that no one would ever get married after reading this! Fortunately I happen to have healed quite nicely with the help of God, and most relationships only fail because they don't be honest, true to themselves, and depend on God to hold them together. Fortunately we all come from different walks in life, and although I do think what your getting at is healthy relationships, you should understand that it takes two people to completely heal, and come together as two completely whole people. Because on comes from parents that makes bad choices doesn't mean everyone turns out to be a rotten egg. Yes people do need to sort out their emotional baggage, and be there best. There are so many dynamics to relationships this only is the frosting on the cake. I encourage you to dig a little deeper.
This has to be the most rediculous list I've ever seen. People come from many diverse upbringings and there are those out there who continue to overcome their parents negative influence. My mother came from an abusive upbringing and she turned out to be a loving and kind hearted person. We never got abused, physically or emotionally. My father and mother are still happily married to this day.
My wife's parents are divorced and I can tell you that even though her mother can be over bearing at times, she is still can be a wonderful person once you get to know her. I'm not a door mat, there are times when I have to assert myself, but for the most part we live a satisfying life together and are happily married. Just like everyone else our marriage has it's ups and downs but this is the thing that causes people to give up on marriage. They get tired of working on a relationship, they give up too easily, and are unwilling to compromise. people have to work at communicating more effectively, they have to learn to forgive and forget, and they have to learn that when entering into a union with another individual, it is no longer about one person.
You have to realize that this is a life long perfecting process and there is no room for selfishness.
My first reaction of this was to be offended (I'm from a rather broken home, my dad and I haven't spoken for quite a while, although my mother holds a wonderful relationship with my stepfather), but you are right in a number of ways.
I wouldn't say to, "run" in any case, if the father is mistreating or the family is broken, but it is true that there are a lot of wounds to heal there, especially if he wasn't the only guy bad to her. Either way, if you know her well enough to marry her, you should know the effects this will have on your relationship.
I wish I read this before I got married. I married a psychobitch which lasted a year and regret not divorcing her sooner.
Paul, I agree with you, Lisa was a real b*tch but I always thought the two of you deserved each other. You also bought a lot of luggage to the relationship as well. The problem with marriages like this is that both sides never take a good look a themselves and just blame the other.
i see where your coming from and i believe you have a good opinion and i also believe you need to change it a little bit after all she will also think about things with you but after you propose so its more difficult for her to consider this.
if you read my posts i also comment on women with relationships but i am doing it from a female point of view and yours is a male point of view. why i believe you have reason to think this but there is a lot more to consider than what you have posted for example a broken home might leave her with "daddy issues" and that could also be beneficial for you in a relationship in her need to fill a whole of emotional disturbance with love and other things. until next time x
This what you have written, is working also with boyfriend and his parents very well. So you can see it gender independent :-)
I recently posted a hub on this very subject called "5 Reasons Why Men Should Not Get Married.
http://hubpages.com/hub/5-Reasons-Men-S … et-Married
1. You don't know who you are (Too young, Very little life experience.
2. One of you is in significant debt
3. It's not your idea (If you have to be sold, persuaded, or given an ultimatim) Both people should start off wanting to get married.
4. She is pregnant or has given birth (A marriage based upon circumstances rather than love is likely to fail)
5. You still lust after, chase after, or desire to pursue other women. This is a clear sign you aren't ready to get married.
LOL. Food for thought. Does this apply to women considering marriage, as well?
Quite a list there I should say.
I have one question though. Are you looking for a saint? For clearly, we, women are not perfect.Just like the men, we too have our own flaws.Either you embrace them as part of who we are or you'll end up single all your life.
Just a thought.
I agree with the writer. If they don't have a good relationship with their father, you're asking for an ass-kicking down the road. It happened to me. I thought I could show my wife that I was different from other men and change her viewpoint. Instead I got 10 years of man-hating spew and eventually she left me for another man (married with kids). Go figure! She hates men but can't live without them...
hmm well I'm one of those woman but I guess it depends on whether someone wants to help themselves too. It took my 15 years to totally shed all the emotions and baggage from my past, and although I never man-hated and my father left me. I always hung out with men all my life, but so I knew there was good men out there. Everyone is different, and experienced different things so please don't bunch all of us women into one category, some of us are fighters and survivors and want to change, while others don't.
HattieMattieMae - I applaud you for being able to survive and change, and I wish my wife had your attitude. You seem to be in the minority though. Virtually all men that I have met - who have gone through the same experience, all indicate that their wife had a poor/non-existent relationship with their father. Personally, I can't risk getting into another relationship with the same patterns.
oh man!!!! you researched a lot.....
but what about guys????? please research about them too and let me know......
haha, it's about the same with guys, you just need to fight ! fight! fight! Women and men are not so different, it's just seeing things from their perspective, learning about who you are as individual and realising your past doesn't define who you are in the moment. Like the song i heard last year garbage in garbage out, everything that goes in your mind must come out, it's just how you choose for it to come out. What you do with it.
I did have one man walk away from me for the same reason, and I have walked away from men for the same reason. The thing is I finally met one that was my match that wouldn't let the garbage get in the way of our relationship, and we both we're fighters in this sense, becoming a man and woman that believed in ourselves and each other, realising we are all human and fallible. There will never be a smooth ride, and there will never be a perfect relationship. I had to realise that those moments when the garbage piles up, you just have to hang on together and ride out the storm.
Once you are that point time that you have halled out most of your garbage, you will recognize other's like you, and be drawn to men and women that are healthy for you. It's something that everyone has, just different stories, and if you want to help a woman or man start with Byron Katie, she always asks is that true? and Where would you be without your story?
based on the OP my marriage should have never gotten off the ground. she comes from a broken home, her mother is a tyrant ... never mind. I look at marriage, especially if there is love in the attachment as a chance to shape and be shaped by a connection with a woman who may come from a different back ground but ultimately it is up to you as to what you will do with the attachment you start out with.
For one, nothing is written in stone until your expectations and her reactions write it there. If you can communicate as you are dating and stay out of each other's bed until the expectations on either side are clear then you can avoid mot the the problems. Granted I have faced quite a few after math effects from my wife's background and she has experienced the same where I am concerned. This is only to be expected When this happens forgiveness is something you will have to get used to. Without forgiveness there is little to nothing possible in a relationship that will last very long.
lets face it, men and women on basic psychology are not compatible. They both have to bend and change in a relationship to make it work. Neither can expect more from their partner in proper decorum or manners then one is willing to give on a daily basis without getting patted on the head for it. If you are not a gentleman don't think you will ever match up with a lady. If you aren't kind, loving and nurturing don't even think about a woman who has those characteristics because she won't have anything to do with you.
The truth, once spoken by someone else, 'love is the reward for all the good inside yourself.' Putting on the dog for someone you are dating won't hack it. You must become the person you desire by your side and be willing to be that person come what may. No action by anyone else must be able to shake you from being that person.
by andur92 9 years ago
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by lapin 7 years ago
why did you ask the question: why do people stay in bad relationships ?Also are men more likely to walk out on a bad relationship than women or do women stay longer in a bad relationship in the vague hope the partner will change ?
by Charlu 8 years ago
Do some people stay in relationships sometimes just to make them feel better about themselves?Sometimes I think people stay in relationships, (no matter how destructive) just because they feel validated or better about themselves by being in one, and having someone there. What do you think?
by Jenny Pugh 3 years ago
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by Elena 3 years ago
If a person has divorced 3 times, would you conclude that the person has an underlying problem?
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