Is It Ever OK To Settle?
at 61 I can honestly tell you; no, never that. You will not be happy.
why settle, so you missed one time.....look for the best relationship you can have, why be in a hurry?
learn to be still...it will happen. Trust in your Judgement and learn from it.
Gotcha, yeah I've got one of those, too, but it's getting awfully long! Seriously, must I pull every weed in the garden?
Have to agree for sure
Hay SOT hope your wellThanks
in San Fransisco loving it!
Got here Wed home on Sunday
Yes, there is. A friend of mine married a man who is not by any means Prince Charming in looks, but he treats her extremely well. Hey, he even calls her "Princess"!
She can depend on him, but I'm sure even though she has never said this, that he may not be the great love of her life, but she does love him. So is love enough or will you end up wishing for that great romantic love that you feel is missing in the relationship?
Would it be okay of he just "settled" for you? If so, then yes, you both settle for each other on the same terms.
Randy, my life is so whacked, anyone who chose to be with me would HAVE to be insane or head over heels in love!
But I get your drift...ugh, and you're right...I would hate to think someone would just "settle" for me!
If I had zero attraction for them apart from the love of a sibling or a friend, then I wouldn't get involved. Taking advantage of their affection would be cruel. Unrequited love is painful, but being used and discarded would be more painful (one that doesn't love back is on the lookout for something 'better').
I don't fall in love easily. The first person I loved didn't love me back, other than 'more than a sister' (ie they were attracted to me but didn't really love me).
I married the first person that loved & accepted me - my hubby is my best friend. Is there always passion - no. But I would be devastated to lose him. We have a child together. Maybe he's a comfy old slipper now?
- Home Girlposted 13 years ago
0I've been married for almost 30 years to "Mr.Right" who was all wrong for me. It will probably take close to 30 more to get over it...
OK, I'm confused...so is he right or wrong?
Shogan, I have more LIFE than I ever bargained for. I have so much LIFE I need to share it with someone else!
The person in question elevates me probably more than I deserve, just not sure I can reciprocate.
Yes, give me Mr. Fictional...I want HIS number!I doubt the "smarter" thing. I know in my case it's more that it's always fairly easy to whip up opinions/thoughts when the person in the situation isn't me.
Time does have a way of ironing things out a good part of the time, though - one way or the other. Maybe this isn't how people ought to do things, but my approach has always been, "If it's right I know it. If it's wrong I know it. If I don't know whatever it is I wish I knew - I do nothing, and time takes care of it." (I'm kind of going through the "do nothing" phase in my Internet-writing endeavors these days. 
)Let's hope I don't stumble over Mr. All The Bells and Whistles on the way to the church to marry Mr. Slow And Steady!
Shogan's right--it does exist, and if you settle for one who is less than perfect for you, what would you do if the right one DID come along? Even if you weren't married, breaking up is painful, too...if not for you so much, then possibly for your partner, who may not have realized you'd "settled"...
Anyone who knows my husband and I on here already knows our story, since we've both talked about it, or written about it many times, so I'll make it short(sorry to those who've heard it before! )
He was 33, I was 29, with two small kids. Both of us had had bad marriages, and had given up thinking we'd find that perfect love.
Well, one night we found each other, and we never let go...We got married 2 months after we'd met, and almost 23 years later, we still haven't let go, lol...
I know some say that marriage is hard work, but for us, it hasn't been--it's been a joy from the beginning. We have never had a roof-raising fight--we talk everything out--really! I still get that thrill when he walks in the door...I still miss him when he's gone for the day.
I can't wait until he can retire, so we can be together more--He lost his job a few years ago, and was home with me for a long time--and we loved having all that time together...
THAT is what you miss out on if you settle...
I hope it all works out for you!Tamcor, so happy to hear a story like that and happy for you both. That and insanely jealous!
- Home Girlposted 13 years ago0
- klarawieckposted 13 years ago0
I would rather settle than stalk the one I want. If it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be. You have to learn to move on and love the one that loves you.
But of course, I believe in reincarnation and trust that there are lives that are simply not meant to be shared with a particular soul mate. But eventually, he/she will come around! I'd compromise if I found someone worth compromising with!
Some people are happier with making settling a way of life anyway. Others could never be happy/at peace with settling. One thing I do think, though, is that even a couple of "settlers" might underestimate how unhappy they'll eventually find themselves - so what once seemed like "OK" settling turns into some real misery. It's also bad if one person feels like s/he is settling, and the other one doesn't at all. That's just disrespectful and unfair to the person who didn't know s/he was a matter of being "settled on".
So, my answer on this: Don't settle.Doesn't anyone out there have a relationship where each loves the other equally? Why does it always have to be so lopsided?
Sure. Lots of people have equal relationships. For the most part, I think it's those of us who have never been willing to settle.
Well you look very beautiful, so I'm sure the guys are probably all over you.
I'm not worried about finding the one. I am not searching at all, and I may never(at least not to this point). Lots of things could happen and jumping in to a marriage could be a big mistake. Almost all the married men I talk to do some amount of complaining about their wives. And some should be, some of the things I see women pull just baffle me! Obviously this isn't the case for many marriages, but I do see this happen a lot, and I am going to try and take all the precautions I can.
I would be lying if I haven't gotten this bit of advice at least 30 times.
"Don't ever get married kid."
No smiles, no dimples, nothing. They are genuinely miserable and for good reason. Many of the stories I have heard from those 30 men would drive me nuts. The most recent one was a guy who's wife is addicted to gambling. They did think they were each other's one and only's. I'd rather work on getting myself situated and hopefully she'll find meMaybe something else to ask is whether or not it would be a matter of "mutually agreed upon settling". If the feeling of settling is mutual and agreed upon, I think that's one thing. If only person feels he's settling, I think that's another.
I think something to ask might be whether we'd like to be the one someone else settled for; and if we were, would we want to be told that, or would we want the other person to pretend otherwise?
I, personally, wouldn't ever want to be the one that someone else only settled for. I wouldn't want them to tell me if they did, but I wouldn't them to try to pretend otherwise either. So, basically, I'd never want to be someone else's "settle-for person", because it's kind of a lose/lose again, one way or another situation. If I were the one considering settling, I think if I cared about the other person at all I wouldn't be able to turn him into my "settle-for person" either, only because I wouldn't want to be someone else's "settle-for".
Of course, there are people with little enough self respect, dignity, and/or pride that they'd be delighted if someone else settled for them; and that they'd delude themselves into thinking the other person's feelings would change. (I pretty much see the feelings-changing delusion as a blood-from-a-stone type of thing. ) (There's kind of nothing worse than having no pride, no dignity, little self-respect, and delusional thinking as the foundation on which a relationship is built.) I did the opposite: I married someone I was sure about - only to discover, oopsie!
(That shows you how much I know! 
)
In all seriousness, though... Even though I had absolutely no doubts (at the time) that all would stay the same as it was forever, I did see little signs that all wasn't perfect in the relationship, itself (not necessarily in how anyone felt toward the other). Believing it was only reasonable not to expect perfection, I overlooked some seemingly minor imperfections in the relationship; thinking, "Well, it's not realistic to expect perfection." Of course, I was 21 years old at the time. I would eventually realize that there's a difference between "expecting perfection in the other person" and "understanding that a solid relationship has a certain set of elements to it, and it isn't 'expecting perfection' to know that a relationship that lacks even a couple of those essential elements has cracks in its foundation and won't stand up to the tests of time and troubles."
So, I guess maybe another thought might be to consider the health of the relationship (how equally "the emotional stuff" is distributed between the two people, and according to those standards that determine what makes a really whole, healthy, relationship - or even friendship). I don't think anything (more love/romance) can grow from a flawed and unhealthy relationship. I think, maybe, assessing the whole-ness and health of the relationship is the first thing.
I once read a good "scientific" analysis of romantic love, and the social worker who wrote the book said that, with all kinds of different love relationships, when the love is real there is always admiration and respect of the other person. Most of us probably know plenty of people who love us in an imperfect way, or who care about us a lot; but who may not particularly respect or admire us, as individuals (rather than admiring or respecting only one aspect or another of our personalities/abilities). Ever since I read that (and it really struck me how true it does seem to be), those two qualities are always what I use when I'm thinking about whether one kind of love or another is the healthiest, truest, kind.
Maybe, too, another test would be to ask yourself exactly how important having your heart leap is to you. The world is full of people who marry people without that heart-leaping thing. A lot of those people just don't believe the heart-leaping kind of love even exists. (Others know it does.) I know someone who says she knows it exists but that it's so rare "if people didn't settle for less nobody would have their kids" Then, too, only some heart-leaping love is of the permanent variety. Lots of it is of the more shallow, infatuation, variety and eventually either fades or fizzles anyway. Not all of it does, but some does.
Maybe something else to ask is this: Is there something the other person is/does that may be taking away from any chances you'd have your heart leap and see the sparkles (or whatever)? There could be some perfectly wonderful, kind, guy who'd seem to be thoughtful and kind and romantic - but if the guy sees the woman in a way that doesn't particularly include respect or admiration, all the great behavior and gestures in the world kind of undermine the romance of it. They guy whose idea of being the perfect partner is to "treat his girlfriend like a queen" may not have much romantic appeal for the woman who prefers a guy who sees her as an equal (just an example).
Anyway, just things, maybe, to think about.... (I'm just getting over an awful "flu thing", so I'm still too achy and exhausted to be fit for doing much other than pondering other people's life issues. )
- Home Girlposted 13 years ago0
- Home Girlposted 13 years ago0
Because overpowering love is a burden, it, like an avalanche, sweeps you away and prisons you for a long time, sometimes forever.
I don't understand this, Home Girl...how can love like that be a burden? I LOVE that I am swept away by my love for my husband--how in the world can that be a bad thing?
Real, true love does not fade away, ever. I was married before and thought I was in love, but until I met Tom(my husband) I didn't realize what REAL love was. It sounds cliche, I know, but it's true. Nothing will ever come between my husband and I, I know that deep down inside. We have been through sooo many trials and tribulations(not between the two of us), but each time we faced another battle, it brought us that much closer.
We have had disagreements, sure, like any other couple, but never has that lessened how we feel for each other. We have worked everything out that came along...by talking--never yelling--not once have we raised our voices to each other.
Have we compromised sometimes? Sure! But it's never been one-sided--never just my way or or his way.
I guess I'm just trying to explain, somehow, that there really are couples that are truly in love out there, and we are blessed enough to be one of those. We don't take it for granted, and I thank God everyday for sending Tom to me.
I will say, though, that if something ever happened to him, that I would never want to be with anyone else, ever. We've had almost 23 years of happiness, and I hope to have many more. If I lose him to death, I will thank God that I had that time with Tom, and I won't look for it anywhere else.
What we have will last me a lifetime--I would live the rest of my life with my memories, because no one could ever be as wonderful as Tom is for me...
I'm sorry to rattle on, but I guess you can tell that this is something near and dear to my heart, lol...I love how this question has taken on a complete life of its own with so many different perspectives.
Guess it just goes to show...love is never black and white and not the same for anyone who experiences it. What I've taken from this is, despite my family's not-so-subtle hints to the contrary, I can't just say, OK, I'm done looking and this is the best it's ever going to get for me. Love is sometimes painful, sometimes overwhelming, and to some of you here, not something you ever want to do again! I watched my parents' love story from a child's and young adult's perspective and always said to myself, "Yeah, that's what I want in my life." But I guess I thought that kind of love was pretty much something people had a long time ago, that it doesn't exist anymore.
From those of you who wrote and said you were living your love story right now...I know that it's a possibility still.
So "settling" will have to wait awhile for me.Is it ever OK to settle? Do you settle things about yourself? Or do you improve upon yourself in everything you do?
If you settle, then you are filled with contentment. Contentment leads to stagnation.
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