how would you react if your boyfriend/lover/husband? was bisexual and you just found out? Would you run away, freak out, think it's sexy, or demand why he didn't tell you, ask if he's cheating, or all?
I can't imagine "finding out" if someone was already a boyfriend/husband.
Here's the thing: If the person is closeted, that's a problem, not because he's bi but because of the secretiveness, the lying, the not being true to himself. We would really need to discuss that a lot.
But then, if someone "finds out" that her husband/lover/bf is bi, maybe it's because she's so shut down about it that he knows she'll dump him or freak. Since I am nothing like that, I don't think it would happen to me unless the person was a liar, out of touch with his true nature and lying to himself, or something like that. And the deception would make me very uncomfortable.
If, on the other hand, I found out someone I recently began dating was bi, I would be fine with that. I've been cheated on by a straight man who cheated with a woman, it makes no sense to me to distrust a bi man more.
To me, it doesn't matter whether the guy kept it all a big secret but the reason could be turned around so the woman could be blamed for it (by being "shut down"). People meet, and the general expectation is that each will be honest about who and what they are - before they get too far into a relationship. That gives either person the chance to opt out before things get too serious. Anyone who isn't honest upfront (and - really - one's sexuality and sexual preferences/attractions is something one ought to be honest about right away). So, to me, the guy wasn't honest in the beginning. Whether or not his spouse/partner then makes him feel comfortable about being honest shouldn't be the point. Yes, she may have left when they were newly dating, but that's what dating is supposed to be about. If she would have left that would also mean she isn't the right person for him any more than he's the right one for her. If he wasn't "brave" enough to be honest from the beginning then he's got issues about who is (in which case, he isn't really the best candidate for a serious relationship either).
I'm sorry - there's no excuse for not sharing that "little tid-bit" of information right from the start. Not sharing it is misleading to the other person and a disservice to the one who's "bi". The longer a lie goes on in an intimate relationship, the bigger the lie becomes; and the more need there is for the betrayed person to have yet that much more "open attitude" (so it's built in that even a woman who started out being someone the guy would have otherwise been comfortable being honest with will inevitably (and because of the long-lasting lie) have a less and less "generous" attitude over time.
Besides, it has nothing to do with cheating or trusting someone not to cheat. Personally (and maybe I'm just ignorant about this, but it's how I feel about), I think people ought to be "well established" in their sexuality. They're either gay or straight - no questions about who it is they're attracted to. Then they can act accordingly. My concern with a partner who's bi would be either that he had other issues, doesn't know who/what he is or is attracted to, isn't "selective" about who he'd be happy to have sex with, or otherwise needs to figure out who/what he is and is attracted to.
When all is said and done, people lie out of their own interests and fear of what they'll lose. That shows no regard or respect for the girlfriend's/wife's preferences or needs; or for the importance of building a relationship on trust and truth.
OH! That lying, cowardly, hypothetical, spouse/boyfriend-guy is making me so mad, just thinking about him!!!
I think you're right. I was thinking about how sometimes people lie for seemingly good reasons -- it starts out as a white lie, or an omission to be handled "soon," and then it escalates.
But you're right. The way I wrote it made it sound like the woman's fault and it's not. A lie is a lie.
I also didn't think about what Theresa_Kennedy wrote below, and I really like her answer: Maybe the relationship has someone inspired soul searching and EXTRA honesty. That's kind of beautiful.
I have to be honest here. I would probably never be able to live another second without being jealous.
But then, does that make sense? If he is loyal to me, then what's the difference between whether or not he likes both guys and girls? If the loyalty remains the same, I have nothing to worry about. However, there would always be that nagging feeling of... "is he wondering what it would be like..." and all that. But...I'm a woman. And we all know how women get when they're jealous.
well...i'm not quite sure personally since i have not had the experience...logically being bi doesn't mean the person will cheat - does it?...I would expect the topic would have come up long before i was married if he was my spouse.....just my thoughts
I do have a male friend who is bisexual - was married many years to a woman and they had a child and now he is married to a man - he says he's bi - he's not a cheater; he's a good guy; he's attracted to both sexes.
Although I don't personally have anything against whoever/whatever someone is, my preference for a spouse is that he only be heterosexual. So, if I knew ahead of time I wouldn't marry him in the first place; and if I hadn't known ahead of time, it would be a case of my discovering something I wouldn't have signed on for.
I'd probably freak out on the inside, but be calm and supportive on the outside (particularly if he hadn't cheated); but then we'd have to decide if we'd stay together as "platonic friends who care about each other" (but don't have a real marriage) or else split up. Right or wrong, fair or unfair, I wouldn't want to be with a guy who's attracted to men, as well as women. I prefer things be far simpler than that.
I would be accepting, and invite some in-depth conversations about it. Coming out of the closet, especially if he is just now coming to terms with it himself, is no easy task. He will need all the loving support he could get...and just for the record, it is supposed to be an honor if someone comes out to you, and that is how I would view it. So what if he took a long time to tell me, these things aren't easy, especially if he thought I was homophobic.
Just because he's bi doesn't mean he's going to cheat or has cheated; however if he wanted to end our marriage/relationship then I would need to respect where he is and let him go. I would be sad, maybe even devastated to lose him, but I would not be jealous or be possessive because I don't OWN him. People need to do what is right for them, simple as that.
Just about every woman I've ever dated was either bisexual or had confided in me about exploring such tendencies. I had an experimental phase myself and it only renewed my confidence that I am most definitely heterosexual. The way I communicate with women I get involved with suggests to me that I would not be blindsided so easily. But if that were the case I would be openminded enough to let her explore such things especially if she had deprived herself of such discovery in the past.
I would probably be surprised, but I would definitely be supportive. At least, as far as I could be. If my husband was using his bisexuality as a way to explore threesomes and stuff like that I would probably not be supportive. But just because a person is attracted to both gender identities doesn't mean they're always attracted to everyone.
To be completely honest, I would feel much worse if my husband came out to me as being a polyamorous person. Multiple relationships at one time is not okay with me.
If he told me then I would understand.
If he cheated then I would have a problem.
Being bisexual does not give him the right to cheat, so he would have to decide who he wants to be with, me or the man. I don't think I could handle a love triangle, regardless of the gender.
As a bisexual woman let me give you some facts that I have found out through personal experience. You can tell another woman that you are bisexual and that you date both sexes at the same time unless committed to a relationship. Their reaction is usually supportive gentle and kind. When I tell men that I am bisexual every 1 of them got an animalistic look in his eyes hoping they will get a threesome. I even had 1 guy run over to his friend and tell them that I had just told him I was bisexual. Then they high fives each other. I do tell my partners when I feel we are committed to each other but not before.
Most guys who express this are probably very inexperienced. Having had to compete with women for the same woman on many occasions I would refrain from throwing such caution into that kind of wind.
As a man, no way in hell would I compete for a woman with another woman.
If a woman tried to play that game with me, it would be...by, don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out...
That is no woman worth fighting over.
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