Gay people in my family. Inherited? Choice? Victim of circumstances?

1. 44

   WaffleCheeseposted 14 years ago

   I know this is a hot topic, but there are some people in my family (none blood related [that I know of]) That are gay. Some are open, some say they are 'recovering' and some might not have even come out yet.
   
   Without being too specific, one member has a child who has effeminate tendencies, and the rest of his brothers are very boyish. Inherited? Looks like it.
   
   Another was straight (according to him) for a very long time before he 'decided' (his words) that he had feelings that have grown to feel right with him. When he was in grade school, he had an innocent girlfriend, but was also caught holding hands with a boy in his class and once kissing him. Since then, he has tended towards homosexuality. Life choice? Looks like it.
   
   Another in my family was once in junior high and was very naive (very sheltered life). One of the boys told him in the locker room that he 'had a boner' and that he was gay. He never heard of the word 'boner', nor 'gay.' He went home, looked up what a boner was, and has been looking at them ever since. Victim of circumstance? Looks like it.
   
   I wonder if the debate will ever rest. In my own family, I see support on all sides.

   replyreport
2. 67

   prettydarkhorseposted 14 years ago

   until now social scientists cant pinpoint exactly what causes homosexuality, socialization or hereditary......

   replyreport
3. 70

   rhamsonposted 14 years ago

   I think it is like trying to define love. Why do you love one person or several in particular?  The choice is yours.  Where the problem lies is when you look for social acceptance.

   replyreport
4. 0

   Revive@OwnRiskposted 14 years ago

   The most important, useful, nonerroneous information on this subject comes from gay people themselves. If you want accurate information about homosexuality, you don't ask homophobic heterosexual people about it. You ask homosexuals.
   
   There are people who decide to become gay. The reasons are varied. However, on the whole, most all the gay people I know have had those feelings from very early on. And many of them are not in any way effeminate.
   
   I can tell you personally, that I did not choose to be gay. It's been the damndest awful inconvenience of my whole life. I had a life plan, and it didn't include being gay, but after dealing with it all my life, going through reparative therapy, lots of bible-bashing homophobes, and much more, this is who I am, and I am finally at peace. I didn't choose it any more than I chose my gender, my hair color or eye color or any number of other things.
   
   Yes, some people choose to be gay. It's called experimentation. It's probably a result of having extremely little sexual experimentation while going through puberty and earlier years, so now they are making up the difference. You often find these people are only gay for a while, then go back.
   
   However, for the most part, most gay people will tell you they didn't choose their sexual preference. Most will tell you they wouldn't wish it on anyone, simply because of all the shame and discrimination it brings.

   replyreport
   1. 68

      drej2522posted 14 years agoin reply to this

      That's probably the best, most honest, answer you're gonna get.

      replyreport
5. 72

   NaomiRposted 14 years ago

   I think that homosexuals are born that way. Scientists have found evidence of homosexuality in almost every species, for example, bonobos (a type of higher-level primate) and penguins.
   
   My closest friend is gay and he definitely did not want to be. For years, he tried to be straight and even slept with women ... but it just didn't feel right to him. He ultimately had to be who he is. It took him a lot of work, but he's finally reached a point where he's happy and proud to be out. But was it his choice? No.
   
   For the record, he's not effeminate at all. I also understand that some people do experiment. My thought — and this is only a speculation on my part; I've never really come across anything to back it up — is that everyone's on a spectrum when it comes to homosexuality.
   
   In the end, though, humans are so complicated, I'm not sure we're ever going to get a definitive answer on why some people are gay, and some aren't.

   replyreport
6. 68

   TimTurnerposted 14 years ago

   A new study came out that showed the 'gay gene' was on the mother's side of the family just like color-blindness and baldness.
   
   Their findings showed that a family with more than one gay person usually came from the mother's side.
   
   Also, twins separated at birth are more often than not gay or straight together, even though they weren't raised together.
   
   Genes definitely play a role but so does environment.  If you're a Southern Baptist, I doubt you will ever come out or think about those tendencies
   
   If you were raised with close gay friends or relatives, you would be more into exploring any thoughts of being gay.
   
   But who cares, really?

   replyreport
7. 0

   TMinutposted 14 years ago

   Who cares? Anyone who is hoping for grandchildren.

   replyreport
   1. 68

      TimTurnerposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Hahaha  Adoption!

      replyreport
8. 72

   NaomiRposted 14 years ago

   Well, even then, there are other ways of becoming parents...

   replyreport
9. 0

   TMinutposted 14 years ago

   Yes, but it's so special and wonderful to see how like other family members the littles are.
   
   Though of course, those unadopted babies and children need someone to love and take care of them. My brother wants kids but he wants them to be his biological kids. Apparently there's more to it than just wanting a child to care for.

   replyreport
   1. 68

      TimTurnerposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      But you are wanting grandchildren for your own interests.  That's more selfish than family orientated.

      replyreport
10. 61

    Bovine Currencyposted 14 years ago

    I believe genetics are more than biology.  I am in no way suggesting being gay or homosexual to be a mental illness but it was once considered so and probably is by many people.  I do not consider myself homosexual but I have had sexual experiences with men.  I didn't not enjoy it but I was not entirely comfortable with the experience, for whatever reasons, I am not inclined to share.  I enjoy sex with women more so and don't think I will be involved with a man again.  It doesn't bother me that I had gay sex as much as it might bother some people if I told them.  Funny though, I have told a fair few people and they just didn't care.  I guess I still find men sexually attractive but I don't want to be intimate with them.  I was involved as a friend only with an older gay male couple and I learnt a lot from them.  They were not a stereotyped couple or individuals.  They joked about women like I do with heterosexual guys but they don't hate women.  They are not effeminate and didn't really care for politics.
    
    I have strong views on most things political and I defend against prejudice always.  I think homosexuality is probably as natural for those who partake in it as heterosexuality is for others.  Why?  I don't think it really matters.  Sexual preference doesn't make the man (or the woman).  If you grow up with family members who are homosexual, yes, it probably does increase chances of being the same but I doubt it being a biological occurence.  Maybe it is tho, thats just my view.  Could be choice also and yes victim too.  Young men who are subjected to abuse could be confused with their sexuality, that would be natural.  I made my choice to experiment because I had thoughts and feelings that were causing me harm.  It was bothering me to think about men in a sexual and romantic way and eventually the opportunity came up and I tried it out.  The biggest hurdle for me was the thought it was wrong to be gay even owning those thoughts and behaviours.  I was in many ways nurtured by my society to feel that way.  It is sad.  Each to their own.  Cheerio

    replyreport
11. 0

    TMinutposted 14 years ago

    Wanting biological grandchildren is selfish? What an odd perspective.

    replyreport
    1. 68

       TimTurnerposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       Yeah, especially if you have gay children and don't want them to adopt.

       replyreport
    2. 86

       rebekahELLEposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       I had a guy friend in my late teens/early 20's who was gay and I never suspected it. we were really close friends, went to concerts together, hung out, made plans to open a bookstore, talked about everything, went shopping together. he never told me, I found out years later after that he had liked me and just couldn't tell me because he was ashamed of who he was.
       
       it was sad. then after I married, he found my phone number and called me and told me everything and how he was jealous of my husband. It was an awkward conversation but somehow I managed to tell him that his friendship had meant so much to me and that I hoped he could be happy for me now with my family.
       
       I don't believe he enjoyed his way of life for a long time. I believe he finally accepted it.

       replyreport
12. 0

    Jawa Lunkposted 14 years ago

    Even though no one can say what exactly causes homosexuality, we know a few things about it.
    
    Studies show that in the majority of cases, professing homosexuals (I think this study was just with men, I'm not sure, I can't remember what institute had it now), have had some sort of traumatic event either just before or during puberty.
    
    Although the same trauma can be found in those who remain straight, there is a character type that reacts negative to this trauma in a percentage of youths.
    
    They stated that if the youth with this "character type" (I can't remember the exact term they used, but if I remember correctly it was found in a small percentage of youths), and they suffered one or a combination of these traumatic events before or during puberty, it negatively effected their sexual identity.
    
    The trauma's that were listed to be found in the majority of homosexuals interviewed were the following.
    
    1) Sexual Abuse
    2) Absent positive male role model (father figure)
    3) Over bearing/controlling mother
    
    They said that in males, this trauma before or during puberty causes sexual adentity crisis, and the young man, hungry for love from a father figure, confuses that desire with sexual attraction because of the trauma.
    
    I have six children, and my oldest son is gay.  Doing research about the matter is how I found this information on a reputible medical website that was neither pro or anti gay, but a real medical facility reporting the results of studies.
    
    I will try to find where it was, I'm having Dell problems right now, so my computer with all my links and bookmarks is dead (thanks dell )
    
    Hope this information is of use.

    replyreport
    1. 61

       Bovine Currencyposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       I am not having a dig but these types of studies, as much as they may have the right intentions (or not) are naive.  This is my personal view and based on my experience with study of the science, experience as a psychiatric patient and an obsession with socio-linguistics and social theory.  Yes, my research has been subjectively motivated but so is all research.  Those criteria you mention from the research could be applied to many people and other criteria could lead to different conclusions.  A great deal of academic research is independent by claim but funded by corporations, lobby groups or government, pharmaceutical companies and the like.  Most of us could identify with teenage trauma.  Puberty shapes us all.  I don't think there is much evidence that being gay is a result of trauma.  I also understand what you might be experiencing.  My mother would say things like this after I was institutionalised with schizophenia and chronic depression.

       replyreport
       1. 68

          TimTurnerposted 14 years agoin reply to this

          Yeah, I don't believe in the trauma or sexually abused stuff.
          
          I mean if trauma during puberty "caused" people to be gay, then I'm sure there would've been a huge increase in African American males being gay during the slavery years.
          
          If growing up in slavery isn't trauma, I don't know what is.

          replyreport
          1. 0

             Jawa Lunkposted 14 years agoin reply to this

             Right, but I think your missing part of my point, it wasnt "just" the trauma, it was when the trauma was introduced to youths with a certain "character type"
             
             I can't remember what the term for it was.
             
             it's like this.
             
             Not everyone who went to vietnam and saw combat suffered in the same manner.
             
             Each handeled the exact same situation in different manners.
             
             Soldiers from the same platoon, seeing the same action, all handle the same trauma differently.
             
             I have one uncle who was a green beret (he's dead now, he got cancer from agent orange), but he was the most normal guy you would ever meet.  Never had any problems after the war.  And he saw a lot of action serving three tours.
             
             A friend of mine I knew for years who also served three tours, was a scary guy.  And I say that in a loving way, he was a good friend.  BUT, his "reaction" to the same situation had far different results.
             
             that was the focus of the study I read.
             
             All the homosexuals suffered trauma, BUT not all those who suffered trauma became homosexuals.
             
             That's becuase only the ones with that "character trait" had adverse effects in their sexual development.
             
             That same "character trait" was what made some soldiers have PTSD, while the guy standing next to them who faced the exact same situations walked away and lived a perfectly normal and productive life.

             replyreport
       2. 0

          Jawa Lunkposted 14 years agoin reply to this

          i understand what you are saying, but being the father of a gay son, and having a few gay cousins, and a couple gay aunts and uncles (not to mention growing up with a mother who attended barber college ) I have known many gay people in my life.
          
          In my 40 years, I have spoke with many, and I have yet to meet one who has not had an in appropriate sexual experience or molestation.
          
          I have to say from my personal experience with these friends and relatives of mine that I have to believe molestation/rape or similar abuses DOES play a role in one's desire to be homosexual.
          
          That opinion may change if I start meeting gay people who have not had these experiences and they share them with me.
          
          But to be fair, out of the 30+ gay people I know (or am related to) 100% of them fall into the catagory of molestation/rape before or during their puberty.
          
          I wish I could convince them to share some of their stories on here, I believe it would really help others who may be struggling.

          replyreport
          1. 61

             Bovine Currencyposted 14 years agoin reply to this

             You are thinking about it too much.  So what.  Gay straight whatever.  its a non issue.  get over it. fuck.  this places sucks. seriously. no offence to you. but i came on here with a story, I have been through a lot and come through it.  i am an extremely intelligent person has has got an education and all that after 3 lock ups in a psych ward. yeah boo hoo as some clown said in another forum.  the world is ridiculous.  there are too many right wing american freaks on this thing.  I might just go make some simple emails spams and hack some money. fuck me.  fuckin idiots.

             replyreport
             1. 61

                Bovine Currencyposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                too much labels too much shit about religion and I have done myself no favours on here. there is no point trying to teach people sense. if you dont got it you dont got it.  people dont learn until they suffer.  no point sitting in an armchair on a lap top chattin sh1t about war or asking randoms about their opinions on queer politics.  read a fuckin book . get a history class.  fuckheads.

                replyreport
                1. 0

                   Jawa Lunkposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                   ?  What...are you like 13 or something?

                   replyreport
             2. 0

                Jawa Lunkposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                Thinking about it too much?
                
                thought this was a discussion about this topic?  If it's too much for you to read, then you don't "have" to participate.
                
                No one made you click on this topic.

                replyreport
             3. 76

                Uninvited Writerposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                There really aren't that many right wing people in the forum, they are just a very vocal minority They all seem to hang out in the Religion and Politics forums all day. Don't paint us all with the same brush.

                replyreport
13. 0

    TMinutposted 14 years ago

    Seems there's no conclusive proof either way or how being gay comes about. So far all the people I know who are gay have been molested as children except for one. That one did it as a rebellion to her family strangely enough.
    
    If evolution chooses for traits that increase the odds of passing on one's own genes then homosexuality is obviously an aberration. Those genes should have died out; since they haven't, there must be more than mere genetics to it.

    replyreport
    1. 68

       TimTurnerposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       It's a recessive trait if anything.  Doesn't mean it "dies out."
       
       Not too many redheads marry other redheads, yet they still pop up everywhere.  They don't "die out."
       
       Recessive traits are everywhere.

       replyreport
       1. 0

          Jawa Lunkposted 14 years agoin reply to this

          I think what he's saying is, as far as evolution is concerned (speaking on natural selection) homosexuality is not "natural", and evolution teaches that things get "better" as they pass the beneficial traits on to the offspring, while weaker traits are left behind.
          
          If homosexuality was inherant, it would defy natural selection because it is un-natural.
          
          Nature does not permit or allow homosexuals to reproduce.
          
          Homosexuality has no benefit in nature.

          replyreport
14. 60

    Colebabieposted 14 years ago

    It all depends. Sexual orientation is a scale anyways. All of my gay friends have told me they felt they were born gay, the decision was just when to come out.
    
    Studies, academic research, statistics, blah blah blah, just look at an individual. And as individuals there isn't going to be one definitive answer. So I agree with the original poster. It all depends on the person.

    replyreport
15. 0

    TMinutposted 14 years ago

    Sexual abuse and trauma IS part of it, why would anyone deny it? It's just not the case for every gay person just as not everyone who's been abused decides to live a homosexual life.

    replyreport
    1. 0

       Jawa Lunkposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       Right, that was the missing term I could not recall from the reports I read, in cases of the homosexuals stidued, they had this one trait that caused the abuse to negatively effect their sexual development.
       
       But not all people who suffer abuse have that one trait, and therefore are not affected in the same manner.

       replyreport
16. 61

    Bovine Currencyposted 14 years ago

    no.  i just dont care.  i have pretended to care for a bit more than a week now for the point of being civil but cmon.  who cares how many gays are in their extended family????

    replyreport
17. 61

    Bovine Currencyposted 14 years ago

    USA. enough said.  united states of dick.

    replyreport
18. 0

    TMinutposted 14 years ago

    It's always been easy to understand the women who tell me they're like this because of what happened with men, what I don't understand is why sexually abused boys become homosexual (the ones who do because of the abuse).

    replyreport
    1. 76

       Uninvited Writerposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       But they don't all become gay and you don't know if this is the reason they are gay. Not all boys who are sexually abused become gay.

       replyreport
19. 61

    Rayalternatelyposted 14 years ago

    Tolerance anyone?
    
    I've never really understood why people get so worked up, so negatively about people who are gay. If you've family members who you love that are gay, and love within your family is unconditional what does it matter who they choose to have sex with?

    replyreport
20. 0

    TMinutposted 14 years ago

    Right. That's my point, the ones that DO - I would think they'd never want it to happen again if it scared or hurt them.

    replyreport
    1. 76

       Uninvited Writerposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       Well maybe that proves that you are either gay or you're not and that whatever happens to you does not change it. Straight women who are sexually abused by men still have sex with men.

       replyreport
21. 86

    Len Cannonposted 14 years ago

    My anecdotal evidence is also the equal of years extensive medical research.

    replyreport
22. 86

    rebekahELLEposted 14 years ago

    wow, what happened on this thread?

    replyreport
23. 0

    TMinutposted 14 years ago

    Good point, sounds totally reasonable. And the ones that do claim it's because of what happened to them, just because everyone is unique, react the way they do because that's just ... hmmm. Too many variables. Everything about people depends on interactions of biology and environment specific to themselves. No answers. How annoying. But that's what keeps things interesting I guess.

    replyreport
24. 0

    sneakorocksolidposted 14 years ago

    It's a strange and mystic Tibetan virus that comes from the rare but dangerous Tibetan Snow Crocodile. Any time a Tibetan is eaten 4.5 Europeans become homosexuals and 2.5 Americans become homosexuals. I read it in a mountain climbing book, so it must be true.

    replyreport
    1. 62

       Niteriterposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       You are a scoundrel of the best sort!

       replyreport
25. 86

    rebekahELLEposted 14 years ago

    tolerance anyone?
    
    I didn't see too many facts stated here, and yet judgments being made and speculation?
    
    why do we always have to find a reason for something?
    just accept people for who they are. the real person is on the inside.

    replyreport
    1. 0

       sneakorocksolidposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       Thats fine as long as they keep their clothes on the outside.

       replyreport
26. 0

    TMinutposted 14 years ago

    Why? Because people like to understand things. I don't see why people's own experiences shouldn't count as facts either. We hear the facts of their lives and see how those fit with what has been discovered or researched scientifically. Without both, we don't have the whole story.
    
    Some people are in pain, confusion, why is it so bad to try to understand what's going on?!

    replyreport
27. 61

    Bovine Currencyposted 14 years ago

    being straight? Inherited? Choice? Victim of circumstances?
    
    an equally valid question.

    replyreport
28. 62

    Niteriterposted 14 years ago

    Gays who have the emotional and physical instincts of their opposite gender are genuine people and ought to be respected for who they are, and they should be given all the rights due any other member of society. People who parade their "gayness" for any variant of rebellion are nothing more than immature children and ought to be ignored  when they throw their socially repugnant tantrums.

    replyreport
    1. 60

       tantrumposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       I hope you don't find me 'repugnant'

       replyreport
29. 76

    Uninvited Writerposted 14 years ago

    Sneako has a real obsession with gay people...makes you wonder

    replyreport
30. 62

    Niteriterposted 14 years ago

    Sorry, tantrum. I thought of you as I wrote the word. Never fear, pal, you're one of my heros.

    replyreport
31. 69

    Pearldiverposted 14 years ago

    You have got to be joking CaffleWheese!
    
    Why are you so judgemental when potentially a family 'member' may or may attempt to blindly and latently get into your shoes?
    
    Who cares?
    Why do you feel so insecure about other people's sexuality?
    Doesn't the great book suggest that you turn the other cheek?

    replyreport
32. 44

    WaffleCheeseposted 14 years ago

    I don't.
    
    They are my family and I love and respect them.
    
    If you re-read what I wrote, it wasn't accusation. It was statement of observation and based off their words, not mine.
    
    That being said: they are great people.
    
    Thanks for jumping in my shoes and telling me what I think.

    replyreport