How do you handle lying rumors about yourself?
Well, I would immediately become an atheist. We have better things to do than speak about other people. So boring.
However, if that is not what you want to do, fight fire with fire. Start a rumor or two yourself. Go to the biggest gossip in the church (when I used to go to church, in my particular church, it was the Elder's wives), and say something like, "I head that (name of guilty person) has been arrested for perjury. Is there any truth to the rumor?"
Yes, people have vivid imaginations, but that changes nothing which I stated.
Yes he could and people will still draw other conclusions based nothing more than sheer stupidity/ignorance.
And they would be wrong if not true. Yes, I know people like to gossip about such things, but those people obviously don't have anything better to do than to talk about other people.
Yes, Greg would be innocent providing it's untrue. However, if his actions are providing truth, then eventually the lie the rumor was started on will become known as a lie.
Actually, it's the same old thing called worrying about things which have no reason to be worried about.
There's a part of me that thinks, "There's no way to deal with lies, so don't bother. Just go to another church." There's another part of me (the "main part"), though, that has seen, first-hand, how much lies can destroy lives.
When someone tells lies about you, if you say nothing the lie just gets "left out there in the air" to be passed around some more. If you try to address the lie it will be seen as "denying it" - and then there's a very good chance someone will think "you're just denying what we all already know to be true." So, one way or another, there's really no winning once you become the victim of lies. You have the advantage of it being in your church, which, as others have said, you can leave. I think if I were in your situation I'd pick a couple/few of the biggest blabbermouth-busy-bodies in the church, have a nice friendly chat before leaving, and (again, in a friendly way) tell them I was choosing to leave the church because I was disgusted by the lies; and knew that once one is the victim of lies there is essentially no winning (and so I was leaving).
Look at the bright side of it: The lies are only in your church and only about your allegedly having an affair. When I left my marriage it amounted to my dealing with lies about me being passed all over the town where I lived (and had grown up). Some people were just angry and vindictive and said I was "crazy". Others believed the vindictive ones. Some others actually believed I was crazy because they couldn't understand why I'd leave "a perfectly nice marriage". A few people in close circles had always underestimated me as a capable person, so they threw in their version of what I was based on things like something I did when I was five (and a perfectly normal five-year-old, by the way).
THEN, from there, that small, close, circle that generated intentional and unintentional lies spread them outside the circle. The court system came in and asked the people in the small circle (and just outside it) what they thought about me; and whatever they said was then entered into reports that were presented in court. That, in turn, led to court documents being based on lies; and that, in turn, "confirmed" the lies to those people in the original small circle (because, of course, the court can act only on what is presented; and from what I saw, once the "crazy" thing gets started even a person's own attorney starts getting information from those people in that small circle.
I won't go into all the horror and disaster that was brought into my life as a result of those lies (intentional or just the result of people being more confident in their own opinions about me than they should have been), but I can tell you that the damage in my life and in my children's and other family members' lives has been whopping.
My way of dealing with the lies in the community (since things were happen like I was being stopped by the police and asked if I knew what my own name was and where I lived !!!) was to seek out those "famous community busy-bodies/talkers" and tell them my perfectly logical explanation for what had happened. The trouble was, once the court had gotten what it wanted from that original circle and those in its edges, the decisions had been made; and the court was done with it. Another thing I did was write to my lawyer, other lawyers, and others; but once a person has that in court files it isn't easy to get anyone to listen. On top of it all, each new lawyer would ask if I had a lawyer. I'd have to tell him/her that I did. That's when, I guess, the potential new lawyer would contact the existing one and get the story about how I was (apparently) "crazy".
I won't go on any longer here; but - really - liars are DANGEROUS!!! Their lies may seem harmless to them, or even to you; unless/until there ever comes a situation when they're given the opportunity to put their two cents in on you (aka "get the licks in that they may have been wishing they get in for as long as they've resented/misunderstood you). You don't know when you may be involve with some court thing (maybe an accident or a lawsuit) when someone will send someone out to investigate your character. You don't know what jobs you may want to apply for that may involve a similar kind of investigation.
Nobody would EVER imagine how bad things can get from having only a few people put their heads together and come up with the biggest, sickest, piece of fiction you could ever imagine. By the time a handful of people see one thing and then fill in the blanks about what they imagine the rest of the story "must be", it would be laughable if it wasn't actually nauseating. The other thing is it isn't enough to have the majority of people who don't really know you or what is/isn't going on say something like, "I don't know him. I don't know what's going on." What anyone who is the victim of lies needs is a good, solid, group of people who will put an end to the lies each and every time they crop up.
In other words, you need someone (not a lawyer, a friend or a relative - and more than one of them) who will step up and proactively defend you, speak for you, and aim to put liars in their place. If you don't have that group of that kind of people on your side; and if, instead, the best things will end up is, "We don't know. It's not really our business," you're at high risk of things potentially getting a lot nastier (in ways that you wouldn't even think of right now) for you.
It would seem to me that if you're enough aware of the lies going through the church that it's become an issue for you, that would indicate that enough of those "support type" people haven't been effective at nipping the lies in bud and leaving them to the twisted mind or two that needs to believe them.
I think "out-of-the-church" is pretty much your option right now; and I've written this long post/story in case anyone else on here is dealing with someone who is lying (or believing lies) about him/her; because I want to drive home the point to anyone who thinks "it's not really that bad" that it could be a whole lot worse than they'd ever imagine (if not right now, then if circumstances change).
(..because you know what? Twenty years after the nightmare happened to me, I'm still paying for it, still living with it sometimes (for example, still being asked by police if I'm OK and what my name is when I walk down the street of my own town), and still not knowing how the hell a person can ever get a reputation as a perfectly normal and capable individual back after such a horror has been unleashed by vengeful and/or indifferent people (or else people who so lack faith in you they're prone to believing lies about you).
Does it matter what they think of you? No - not unless you find yourself being accused of something you didn't do, or aren't, (and maybe accused by one of them, by the way), and you find yourself in a court case where your character, sanity, and/or reputation become the focus.
Somebody might say that you can't run away every time someone thinks something about you that isn't true; but the difference is this: Normally, we live our lives just going along and not having to worry about the individual here or there who thinks one thing or another. In some lives, and in some circumstances, what can happen is that lies will take hold as they're shared by a small group of people; and eventually start to take on a life of their own. Once that kind of thing happens, it becomes "A Thing" - and once lies have becomes "A Thing" it's a-whole-nother ballgame; and the rules that once applied (to our thinking and handling of run-of-the-mill, isolated, lies and misunderstandings) no longer apply.The thought of making a Hub occurred to me; but some "causes" are worth doing "public service announcement" posts.
Besides, I've been incubating a Hub for awhile now, but I want to approach it from a less ranting/venting kind of angle (and that's going to be a challenge ).
Ha! I was wondering if you were going to chime in here, Lisa HW.
You said in essence what I was going to say about once lies get started it's amazing (in a bad way) where they can lead. Way over the top.
To the OP, I was being a bit flip about changing churches.
If you have nothing to hide, your conscience is clear, and you can stomach looking these a-holes in the eye, then hold your head up high and carry on. As others here have said, let your actions quell the rumors. The busybodies will (hopefully) eventually move on to their next target of moral outrage.
I don't know the rules in the Seventh Day Adventist Church. However, is it possible -- even remotely -- that those who accuse you of adultery are on some level correct? Is being separated a recognized status within your church? Or is it still technically married? In other words, is there a kernel of truth that some hardliners might stand behind on your dating a separated-but-technically-still-"married" woman???
Or, as I suspect, are these people creating uproar where there is nothing amiss.MM, when I see the word "lies" I flock to it like a moth to a flame (
) because never would I have ever imagined that someone who lives the way I live and is the kind of person and mother I am would ever, ever, be accused of being "crazy". Ever since then (and dealing with I what I steal deal with now at times), I can't help but thinking how nobody could ever imagine how it could go on; and worse, how once it does, a person can't get anyone to listen to him (or anyone who's in any position to do something about it, anyway).
I have such contempt for a) people who think they're able to read minds when they imagine what someone is thinking or doing that they can't see, b) people who enjoy spreading gossip, and c) people who first assume the worst (or at least the weakest) about others, rather than assuming the best (and the strongest) and waiting until more evidence is in (if anyone's in a position to appoint himself judge anyway) before forming a conclusion.
Oh, I forgot "d": people who measure others by whether they think and do what they do; and who deem anyone who does things differently than they do must have something wrong with them, or else the person they're judging is "up to something" (like having an affair). 
That's the thing. Some people who couldn't/wouldn't be just friends with someone of the other sex automatically think that's how it is with everybody. Well, above long story aside; I once worked for a vice president of a good sized corporation; and I started hearing rumors how I "must have" "slept my way" to what wasn't anywhere near the top and was, instead, more like "just getting to the edge of the middle".
Around that time, I was adopting my son. I won't even go into the rumors suggesting that maybe I was adopting my own secret child! They didn't last long, but I was amazed that they showed up anyway.I will eagerly await the hub "How to adopt your own secret child."
This should be juicy.
Geez, what do you expect church people to do, not judge you?
Forgiveness sounds great on paper but can be difficult to achieve and make you then feel somehow inadequate when you can't manage it. Usually, I just get really angry. Now some people call that a sin but I find it has some merit. Like you, I would have confronted the rumour mongers, they hate being confronted and of course they lie. Now you know exactly what kind of people they are, you can stay away from them because they really aren't worth building a relationship with. Presumably there are others in the church who are not gossiping about you? Then you've just found people who are of value and who you can associate with. Normally, I would have made some cheap jibe about how Christian your fellow parishioners are being but you seem like a nice chap so I have resisted. Personally, I would do nothing but wait. Sooner or later they will be the victim of their own malice and I would be there to laugh at them.. But being a Christian, you could forgive them at this point, which would probably be even more cruel
I don't know if you have 'libel and defamation' laws there but if they exist, and IF you can get it on paper, verifying that Mr. A ,did tell Mr B, that Greg Sereda is doing blah blah with Miss Lovely, well, you can go to the police. Otherwise, you will have to just ignore them or start your own rumours
that Mr Bigmouth is lusting after Miss Lovely? 
gossip and lies about you usually stem from jealousy, resentments, idle minds best we can do, is just let it go and stick to only those who truly know you.I can. I used to live practically next door to you, in Czechoslovakia, and the police there were about as corrupt as anyone could imagine!
This kind of situation is so common in organized religion. Anyone who spreads false rumors is called a hypocrite if I remember childhood teaching correctly. People go to church on Sunday to make themselves feel better, look better and to compare clothing, status and personal belongings. The unnamed leader of the pack will pick a target and attack because that's what they do in their life outside of church too. They are bullies. The rest of the flock just follows and that's what you are unfortunately experiencing. Why do you think they call a congregation a flock? Because they inherently follow a leader. I could go on but that's a "hub" for another time.
I confront bullies and liars head on with a vengeance and don't let it rest until they admit what they said wasn't true. I don't confront one on one either. I do it when there's a group of people around so it has the best impact and hopefully the person learns their lesson and doesn't do it to someone else. At the very least they won't do it you ever again.
There's also this, which I personally REALLY like and you may too: "There are six things that the Lord hates, seven that are an abomination to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that make haste to run to evil, a false witness who breathes out lies, and one who sows discord among brothers." Proverbs 6:16-19
Looks like this situation is hitting 4 out of 7. Not very good odds for them!
It doesn't matter what church you go to, there's always going to be a "mean girl" in the group. It's just human nature.
Good luck, I really hope you are able to get through this and get it straightened out.- beaddveposted 11 years ago
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