It seems that parenting either goes one of two ways, a parent either overparents and harms the child, if you can call that parenting, or they don't parent and the child is running around and doing as they please. Where is the parenting I grew up with where even the neighbors displined me?
I've never been a parent, but I'm guessing it would be really hard to find that perfect balance. I was what I consider to be "over" parented as a child, but I still learned how to develop a good relationship with my mother nonetheless...
I have to agree with AshtonFirefly. I haven't had the opportunity to become a parent as yet even though we are trying. I was overparented by one parent. My mom was the type of parent who was the most dominating. I say most because basically she was the one who ever "parented" me while my dad sat back and watched. I guess that is why when my dad ever tried to give me advice I would just let it slide and not listen to him very much. I would hope that parents would try to find some balance in parenting and learn to become better parents.
The kind of parenting your grew up would probably have your parents and neighbors arrested or filed a lawsuit nowadays when it comes to discipline.
I've written about several aspects of parenting, however, I am not a parent myself. To some people, I'm not qualified to speak on the subject and to some what I think about parenting has been confirmed as pretty descent. Some don't agree either.
The aspects I cover are "honesty and accountability" - "moral family values" and "self respect and respect for others". Not to mention, I have several other hubs on character of the individual and how it should be founded.
Yes, there's an obvious problem with parenting skills of many people. Otherwise, society wouldn't be as it is today. Anyone willing to deny that has their head buried in sand or choosing to remain ignorance about the whole situation.
I agree with the Chinese proverb that it takes a village to raise a child but nowadays either the villagers don't care or they are afraid.
Parents are swarmed in technology these days. The biggest reason for this is because parents tend to be teenagers or at least just getting out of their teenage years. They are still more worried about their life that they do not focus on the little person they call a child.
My brother and sister in law are "helicopter" parents. They are always hovering around my niece (11) and nephew (9 in Feb) eavesdropping on what that say and policing every word and action. The poor kids are growing up without a childhood.
I am sure that this has come from her. My brothers and I never had to deal with this from our parents.
There are still some wonderful parents out there. Even with the best intention no one can get it perfectly right all the time. You gain experience as you go along there is no real preparation for it. Extended families helped in the past which was usually good for everyone.
I conducted a study about at-risk youth and found that sometimes it is not the parenting that causes them to behave the way they do. There are many different factors that influence an adolescent's devient behavior. I am not a parent (yet), but know that it is hard to find a balance and also know what to do when other factors influence their child.
we've raised 6 kids and now enjoy 12 grandchildren and i would probably say say first, in the proverbial nutshell, good parenting is striking that balance between love & discipline. Developing children need these two things to mature healthfully; they need to know with a sure confidence that they are loved unconditionally no matter what - and they need boundaries that they know will be enforced no matter what. The 'no matter what' with loving them means that your affection and care for them is not defined by their conduct but is defined by the relationship - they are your children and you love them regardless of their actions.
The 'no matter what' regarding boundaries means they come first . . . this, I think, is where most parents fail. We tell them they are not permitted to have another cookie, but when they take one, we are in the middle of something or we are watching our favorite tv show or have to leave, or whatever . . . so we yell at them as they eat their cookie. Today I have adult children who love me and who I delight to be around, because when they went for that cookie I told them not to go for, I stopped everything, I turned off the tv or canceled my plan or whatever - nothing was more important than teaching my children and today they recognize that they were first in my life as they grew up and they understand that was love.
I used to work retail years ago and I can't tell you how many parents said 'no' when at the register their kid asked for a candy bar, and said 'no' and said 'no' and said 'no' and finally grabbed it from their hand saying 'oh alright, just be quiet and let me check-out!'. Everything you do and everything you don't do teaches a child - that mom just taught her kid that 3 'no's equal a 'yes'. When my kids were little 'no' meant 'no' - if I said 'no' not only were they not allowed to have the candy bar, they were not allowed to ask if they could have it again and again . . . and I would stop in my tracks and deal with them if they did. They, and their upbringing, came first.
Some people thought I was too hard, to rigid, too mean to my kids - but they were screaming and yelling at their kids all the time and never see them much anymore at all . . . I didn't scream and yell at my kids, they knew the rules and they knew the rules would be enforced 'no matter what' and they all love me and come around all the time and raise their own kids just as they were raised. The proper balance of love and discipline - they need to know they are loved no matter what, and they need to know the rules will be followed no matter what.
There are the two types of parents mentioned by the OP, and at each end of the scale - and then there's the majority of parents who aren't on either extreme end of that scale. The kids who have parents in that majority, and who don't act up aren't the ones that make people say "what's with parents today?" - and the kids with majority-parents who do act up don't act up because their parents are "bad" parents.
I feel more than one Hub coming on as a result of this thread (and the urge to finish another one that I never quite finished); so thank you, Leaderofmany and others who have posted here. (I've had a bad case of "can't-think-up-anything-worthwhile-to-write-about" for quite awhile lately.)
Back to the real purpose of the thread... brittanytodd makes a correct and important point. It's not just about adolescents' deviant behavior, though. It's about even the "less important" negative stuff kids often do. Which kids may do which things under which circumstances depends on a whole lot factors within, and around, each kid, each family, and any number of other things. Once you're a parent, everybody is a judge and a critic. Even if you have happy, well behaved children (I did) everybody still has an opinion about what you should/shouldn't be doing. Heck - when they get to be ten or sixteen, it isn't even non-parents who judge - the judges can even include parents whose children haven't yet reached that particular age.
Then there are the parents whose kids have grown up, seem OK, but have issues caused by those parents that the parents aren't even aware of. OR, you have the people who think the way their parents didn't do "the best thing in the world" but who grew up thinking the way their parents did things was the best way to do things; and as a result, don't know that there are a lot of better ways to be a parent than their parents were.
Moral to the story: Even under the best circumstances, it's not a black-and-white, simple, thing to raise "OK" children who don't do anything stupid enough to make a big mess in their lives, but who are confident and free; and not stifled/smothered to the point that it's emotionally/mentally abusive. It's easier to do things right when they're really little. It gets more complicated once their worlds expand beyond their parents, home, and lower grade-school age.
I'm a "mature," experienced Great grandmother... OK, I'm a wise old lady....raised 4 sons...SUCCESSFULLY, I know for certain, because they're all doing extremely well, are happy, healthy husbands and fathers....married to lovely women who seem to be perfect for one another and have bright, well-behaved children. I don't agree that fine parenting skills do not exist or have fallen by the wayside. Certainly not in general or to a high degree. I must know an awful lot of wonderful young parents, because I am quite impressed by what I see and hear. In particular, I find the active involvement of today's Dads to be a welcome and refreshing change to the days of even a generation ago. Father's role has become so much more active and includes all aspects of raising a child. It may simply be you are forming an opinion based on some parents who don't quite make the grade (there will always be those, unfortumately) or you are not able to appreciate the different format/methods being used by this generation's parents. In any event, I agree there are and as I said, always will be, sub-standard parenting in the world, or that the agenda has taken a different size and shape...but there are surely a vast majority of loving, responsible and attentive parents today, who raise their children with love and discipline...consistentcy & morality. For the record, this is not merely a personal opinion of mine, but also based upon years of experience and data I have been privy to in my career....now retired. Thanks for the question.
It all vanished about the time both parents became so liberated that it requires a whole village at work for minimum wage to not see one another or their children. Then we got selfish and built homes to out gun the Jones but still keep the neighbours away. Soon we do not know who anyone is and we raise a whole generation of serial killers, sicko's and the victims began creating victims. It only takes a few idiots to destroy the trust of the village. Add everyone's latest agenda, pettiness, strange people and wow the kids are not staying in the house any more because it is raining. Another generation of broken homes, parents legally harassing the hell out of one another after every spanking, and a drug epidemic where countless grandparents are now the parents of that generation. We are long ways from being parents and if you our one do not be to surprised by the terrible parenting skills we see today.
by romper206 years ago
I don't have pre teen children, but I say spank away.
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