Should I stay?

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   JALroxposted 13 years ago

   I've been married for 6 years now. I have 2 children.  I am married to a man in law enforcement. If anyone is in this situation, you know that the hours can be very long. However, my husband is not on shift work.  He chooses to work these hours. In his defense, he explained what his job entailed, but I really didn't know how it would be to live this life.  I also work in sales which is very demanding, but I happen to bring the majority of the income into the home.  I could work long hours, and increase my income level, but I feel that my family is more important.  Long story short, I feel that my husbands job comes first, my family second.  He is never home, and it is starting to get really frustrating.  I am depressed, lonely, and just starting to get very angry. So when he is home, I'm angry all of the time, which makes matters worse.  We are complete opposites, and you think opposites attract, and maybe it did in the beginning, but no longer.  Also, when I was younger, I had done drugs.  I recently relapsed, however, I did not continue to use, as I knew it was wrong, but I think that the miserable existance I feel that I live now, caused this.  I was honest with him...this happened 3 years ago, and every time we have an argument, he throws this in my face. No support, just that I'm a loser.  But the loser who takes care of this beautiful home that we have based on MY income, takes care of the children, bills, and everything else.  He had an injury at work, which caused a severe back injury, and we have not had sex in 2 years.   In the beginning it really bothered me, but we still had some intimacy, now none. I'm at the point where I have said I can't live like this any longer.  He tells me to pack my bags...nice...He said because of the fact that I had relapsed, he will take my children.  Mind you,I am not an active user, and knew I made a mistake.  But at this point, I feel that my sobriety is effected.  I actually really don't know wny he is with me.  It is not a happy relationship.  I really think that the marriage is a farce.  Really, he has the life, while I sit at home, depressed, doing nothing with my life. He says that he cares, but actions speak louder then words.  I am going to have a discussion with him today that I need to live my life now. If this is the way it is going to be, I think that the marriage should be open.  Not that I want get involved with anyone else, that is the last thing I want at this point, but I just want to travel if I want, and have my time that I need.  I should have known that it would be a tough life married to a person in this job, but if he truly cared, wouldn't he make time for me?  Also, in regards to his back, his job gets accomplished, but I don't...I don't think he even cares about sex.  It is just so bizarre. I wonder if I even know this man.  Is it something with being a police officer??? Anyone in this situation, married to law enforcement, your comments would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

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      Bel Marshallposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Law enforcement or otherwise, I am sorry to say but this relationship sounds to me as if it ended quite some time ago.
      I work in a field where people come to me everyday about their relationship and sometimes the only truly kind answer is to say "walk away".
      You are unhappy, he sound to me like someone who is verbally and emotionally abusive and you are in pain.
      How do you know when to get out?  When you are unhappy more than you are happy.
      Best of luck to you.  My heart aches for the pain you are suffering.  Taking care of yourself, teaches your children to never let anyone mistreat them; staying will show them that it's OK to let someone mistreat them.  Which example do you wish to set for them?

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      tvpuramposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      With little knowledge about both, you got married.  And you have two children now.  You should keep up the relation for them now.

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   JustJetsposted 13 years ago

   Hi JALrox. I'm not even married, much more to a man in the law enforcement group. But I just want to tell you that things will get better... If all good things in this life end, then so do bad things.
   
   It is purely human to have lapsed several times. But looking at it now, it seems that his apathy is just worse than what he's slapping back at you.
   
   Summon up all the courage and leave the prison you've been in. It won't be easy, but you can do it. Good luck on your decisions!

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      Sword of Fireposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      I'm a guy. 35 yrs married. Polar opposites. I tend to be a balanced positive. My wife is Bi-polar. She's on a rollercoaster, and i was there w/ her. Now, we have decided to go our separate ways. The kids are grown, she's strong, she never had a chance to stand alone. Now she has that chance by her own will. If hubby fights unfair and has an unforgiving nature, he is the negative partner, but you should be sure of your inner self. You stay, it is a "Sacrificial Lamb" you become. You will carry not only your own burden, but his will become yours. You don't need to nail yourself to a cross. Give it a week, try to get to the bottom of what is bugging him, after that, leave. Don't look back. Don't leave him no option. let him know where you'll be, conditions of reconciliation, and don't back down. He wants you to fail.

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   Lisa HWposted 13 years ago

   Since you say your "sobriety is affected" that seems to suggest you're no longer sober all the time. 
   
   Other than saying he might try to take your children, you don't say anything else about the children at all - whether he's a good father to them, who cares for them while you're both working, etc. etc.   Maybe this is "just me", but why would you even be interested in an open marriage if you have children.  Why not be deciding between either divorcing him or else staying in a less-than-great situation (if it's at all tolerable) until the children are older?  I guess I just think if you're worried about losing custody of your children you either have to decide to stay with him until they grow up, and accept that all isn't great in the marriage.  OR, you could take your chances and leave him.  Having substance abuse in your background, or feeling as if your "sobriety is effected" (even if you just mean you're feeling your sobriety is "at risk") aren't "positives" in a potential custody fight. 
   
   I don't know...  You're talking about traveling and having the "time you need".  You don't mention the children.  Most mothers don't have "the time they need", and a lot of them don't get to do much traveling.  Since lack of romance and lack of feeling cared about seem to be the problems, I don't really even see how traveling or more time would solve those problems.  I'm not defending the guy because I don't know him, but a lot of guys who are good fathers believe they're doing the right thing for their families by taking their work seriously.
   
   I guess I think you should talk to a good, sensible, counselor (on your own and without him knowing).  Tell whoever it is what all the issues are, see if they can suggest where you start to approach your unhappiness, and take it from there.  You're obviously unhappy, but it doesn't seem you've really pinned down anything other than a lot of things that make you unhappy.  I think you need to talk to a qualified professional (and one you can really talk to and who seems sensible and on the same wavelength with you) to see if you can sort out exactly what it is you want/need, and exactly what's most important to you.  It just seems as if you situation isn't the usual "empty marriage but good father to the kids" kind of thing a lot of people have.  The drugs thing, the open-marriage thing, the little mention of the kids thing, the travel thing - it all just kind of seems like you have a complicated situation going on and need some help sorting it all out.
   
   Who knows...  maybe if you see someone by yourself and get a few things sorted out, maybe then he'd go with you to a counselor who would see you as couple.  If you've already seen a counselor (or counselors) in the past, find a new one.  Maybe, too, before seeing any new counselor, see if you can talk to a lawyer about what you may be facing if you leave. Don't tell anyone (especially your husband). Just figure out what the potential consequences could be first.  I need, especially under the circumstances, you need to build up some support for yourself (the lawyer, the counselor) before even thinking about, or saying anything to, your husband.

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   etna5678posted 13 years ago

   Hi,
   
   I agree in principle with what Lisa has so beautifully explained. You should see a counselor ASAP, and a lawyer. Also, i see the "no Sex" part. Although things can grow cold on that front if the rest of the relationship isn't working out, still, you might want to find out if lack of a stable relationship is being caused by other factors, like, another woman?
   
   I do see, like Lisa, that you haven't written much about your kids, and their relationship with their father. But i do believe that when the relationship between the adults isn't optimal, children and responsibilities seem like burdens.
   
   I would suggest that you hang in there. See a professional. Try an anger-management program, or read a book on the subject, so that instead of lashing out at your husband in frustration, you can get to the heart of the matter without burning yourself.
   
   Once you have taken control of your thoughts and feelings with the help of a counselor and a few anger-management techniques, maybe you'll be able to have effective communication on your issues with your husband.
   
   I am not advocating "saving the marriage" but i won't advocate divorce either, until you have gotten yourself some help, and are in a stronger state, where you can make a decision one way or the other.
   
   One more suggestion: do NOT resort to drugs. You'll only complicate your life further.
   
   Good luck.

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5. 60

   JALroxposted 13 years ago

   Thank you very much for the reply.  It is funny as each day goes by how different I feel. And boy it seemed very selfish not to discuss my children...whom I love very much.  As most mothers, everything I do is for them and I love that. But I do wish for time for myself, but the odd thing is, when I do go out without my family, I feel guilty. Oh the traveling is to see my father in Florida.  That is the only traveling I do.  And I feel like I cannot see him as much as I'd like.  And last time I brought my oldest son, but for whatever reason, I don't feel that it makes my husband happy when I leave, even though he knows how important it is to me to see my Dad.  I absolutely know my husband and I need counseling, and the drug thing, today I feel that I do not want to use anything, but it is scary how I felt the other day...I was very depressed when I wrote the original post. I have such mixed feelings. I love my husband, I just don't feel the same in return.   My husband by the way is a very good father. He loves his children, sometimes I feel more then me.  But I wonder, if based on his profession, he keeps his feelings to himself, and does not express how he feels, except in anger over the mistake I made 3 years ago. This is the first time I have ever joined a forum and it is really refreshing to get some thoughts from other people. Thank you very much.

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   schoolgirlforrealposted 13 years ago

   I'm guessing you already got really good advice here, hubpages is a great place for that, you came to the "right" place!!
   
   I have a feeling because of his back injury he has (secretly) low self esteem and is acting like it's your fault.
   
   to not give you sex (and) have a nasty attitude is "unforgivable." Is he cheating on you? I don't know. Can he not have sex at all?
   
   It also sounds like he is a bit abusive at least verbally and emotionally.
   
   Perhaps you have a history of this kind of abuse, or come from this type of thing. It's common I think.
   
   You deserve much better.  You CAN provide for your kids, and perhaps don't need him, unless you feel "attached"in this case get help w/ a co dependent meeting or Al anon. good luck to you!

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   Urbane Chaosposted 13 years ago

   Alright, look, it's time to step back from things and really examine yourself and your relationship. 
   
   You're saying that you don't feel loved and that the relationship is falling apart.  That's understandable, the two of you don't spend enough quality time together to begin with, and that's not even dealing with the other problems.
   
   First, look to yourself.  You're depressed, that much is obvious.  My question is this: How long have you been depressed?  You said that you did drugs when you were younger.  Most people tend to use drugs as an escape from something.  Were you depressed before you were married?  When you met this dude, were you so overcome by his charming good looks and witty manner that the depression seemed to fade away for awhile? I don't know the answers to these questions - you're the only one who does.  The point is, take a good long look at yourself first before you blame things on him.  Don't get me wrong, I'm sure he has a lot of issues, but it's not about him right now.  The point is this: If you can't be happy with yourself, how can you ever be happy with anyone else? 
   
   After you've really taken a deep look at yourself, then you can begin to do things about the relationship.  It's been said before, and I'll say it again:  It's not the amount of time you spend together, but rather, the quality of the time spent together. 
   
   If I'm reading everything right, it sounds as if he is doing what the typical male does, and you're receiving it as a typical female.  There was a book about this that I think everyone should read.  It's called The Language of Love, I believe.  Look up "five love languages" on Google and you'll see what I'm talking about here. 
   
   Generally, people "feel" loved in different ways.  To me, it sounds like he's showing you his love by being a good provider.  Nothing wrong with that, but typically females look more for words of encouragement or gifts or touching - things of that nature.  But, it is a mans nature to be strong and confident, and to provide. 
   
   I believe that, after you examine yourself, the two of you should have a talk about this.  Ask him how he needs to feel loved, and in return, explain what it is that you need to feel.  Remember, have a productive conversation - avoid phrases like, "You always...", or "you never..."  Those things always lead to an argument.
   
   The bottom line: First find a way to help yourself with your self-image.  When you start feeling better, the relationship will as well.  Also, try for more understanding.  Learn how relationships work, and, if necessary, get help. 
   
   It's your decision as to what to do.. I wish you both the best!

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      JALroxposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Thank you - wonderful advice.  I was not depressed when I met him.  But happy...totally with my life,no. And I do not know why.  I have wonderful children, a good life, a good job. I guess I should look at the world around me.  I am fortunate, where many people in this day are not.  So, if I am miserable to be around, I guess he's not going to be too happy.  However, if he is making me miserable with the long hours at work, lack of intimacy, lack of anything it is something we need to talk to a counselor about.  This is a good start for me thought.  I have never posted on a site, and this is such great advice, and helps me with the ability to try to get some answers.  Looking back at the original post, we had  a fight, and he said nasty things that he knew would really hurt me.  But I've said nasty things too.  I don't know what to think.

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   Meridian.1960posted 13 years ago

   When a couple starts reacting to each others blame, things can get out of control pretty quickly. Some times the best way to get your needs met are by unconditionally meeting your partners needs first.. Some one has to step up and break the cycle. If the marriage is important to you, you might try that first.

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   Home Girlposted 13 years ago

   You have to sit with your husband and seriously talk about all this. Without temper, without being angry. Just talk. A family is about being the best shelter from all problems and cruelty in life. If it is not,- change it or get out! You are ruining your childrens' life, not just yours. Misery loves company.

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