You are on a distant relationship as husband and wife; You know for sure that your spouse is cheating on you; you have all the tell tale signs, you see evidences that are enough for you to deduce of the existence of the secrecy and deception, but he vehemently denies pointblank that you are mistaken and that he cannot do what you are "accusing him of", that he loves only one and nobody else...this angers you because you know so well that he is not just cheating you but worse, lying to you as well. And what is worst of all worse is that you still love him and you don't want to dispatch him because for you he is your life.
"Love covers all." so you forgive and cross your fingers that what you see as evidence are none-existent...Any other idea?
First of all Jynzly, I believe the expression you are talking about is, "love conquers all" andI believe dashing means "bury my head in the sand". That aside, if accusations are going to be made, be sure all of the facts are there and there is proof. No marriage should be jeapordized because of feelings. Just my opinion, Greg
I mean it when I say "Love covers all".This means that I acknowledge the "sin" or the deception and secrecy or deception as being actually committed but because I love him, I just let it pass...or make the "sin" smaller than my love.
To illustrate; Let's say I consider the "sin" as small and as tiny as a dust on the floor...but my "love" for him is as big as the floor mat to cover the dust on the floor so that the floor would still look clean when I cover it with the floor mat, though under it is the dust that was just "covered" by the floor mat.
I understand the metaphor you used with the dust and floor mat. However, it seems it is more like a rock than spec of dust. Even though it is covered it is noticable. A challenge for sure.
I know of marriages that resolved situations like this, yet most ended up the other way. I am using 'if' loosley by saying 'if' he is cheating, denial is in the mix somewhere. That in itself is truly hard to deal with. Acceptance leads to resolve in my view, yet within a relationship there are two entities and not just a 'self.' So, maybe the question of what is being accepted comes into play. I dun'no. I haven't had this experience, haven't been married either, so no expert here. As an observer I think it is complex, especially like you pointed out when children are in the mix.
First thank you for the participation tsmog,
Your suggestion of a rock instead of a dust in my illustration is in fact more realistic but in my metaphor I just used the dust for emphasis purposes; a matter of exaggeration.
When married couples are young and are both vulnerable to temptation, initiating cheating of either of the partner is worse than stupidity, it's a sign that this cheater is a great potential failure in life...There is an adage "A cheater is always a cheater." It never occurred in his/her mind that his/her spouse is also young and prone to succumb to temptations and that he foolishly destroy what was supposed t be the basics for building a castle of happy life.
The cheated party on the other hand won't allow himself/herself to be cheated so she/he will find his/her own happiness. Why suffer in a relationship that kills your heart when there are billions of people in the world. Hence, to "cover" a sin is a remote condition for these young couples. But as the couples get older and in a marriage relationship, it would be easier to forgive and workout for the good of their relationship. Aside from wisdom that they both had accumulated in life's experiences over time...the are both aware that they don't have much time left to fol around or to be fooled around...so they are better off trying to salvage and work hard to keep the relationship more stable. It is easier to understand and sort out kinks, whether in the personal level or in the couple level.
Hence...wisdom is golden for a better marriage relationship...and wisdom comes over time...it's a time element gained through experience ane learning.
If I know that my partner is cheating me, I would never let Love Cover It All...It's as simple as that.
Being loved doesn't mean that you will fool around and I'll be the one suffering...A Big No !!
I understand your stand alisha4u, and you are right. Nobody would allow anyone to hurt herself/himself and it's everyone's prerogatives.
When I was young, I would caused trouble to my husband when I learned on his womanizing habit. I could have left him immediately but because the children were still small and needing a good father, in which he was, so I was patient for a while until the perfect time came; the perfect time when he least expected that I would break the marriage.
i agree with you Jynzly.. Marriage can change the way you think and do things.... Leaving your partner would not have been a right decision in that scenario.. Especially, when you have children, you sustain your relationship or marriage just because of them...
I think love overlooks a lot of other person's mistakes. Instead of pointing out everything that they did wrong, you let the offenses against you slide and you point out what is most beneficial for their growth and benefit.
Love does not overlook; it says and it knows but it also forgives. Appreciating the good things that a love one is doing is much much better than pointing out what they did wrong...people learn and more appreciative of love than pointing fingers...he/she will point out your mistakes too.
It sounds like you love him to much to leave...so I would suggest you speak to him rationally and tell him that you know he has been cheating (if you have proof), that his cheating is hurting you deeply and that if he insists on cheating, then the least he can do is be more discreet.
You might also tell him that your patience in not endless and it is just a matter of time before you walk out that door and that when you do, you will not look back. Maybe that will get his attention. Having said all that, you deserve to be with someone who is faithful to you. But the yelling and screaming thing will get you nowhere.
A cheater is always a cheater...proof or not, and the partner can sense when the other cheats. If I am sure that he cheats and have told him that I know or that I am suspicious and yet he still tries to explain which means that he insists on lying then I will just be quiet. I will pay attention to myself and ask how much I can take.
You are right, my patience has a boundary, I am not a saint nor am I an angel...one day he will meet another cheater and liar that fits him and he will remember me when I am long gone.
I would not bury my hand in the sand. The only reason why people do that is because they don't want to have to leave. You tell the world if my significant other ever cheated on me that would be it! And then when it happens choose to stay. This is more common than you might imagine. There is an old joke about a man getting caught having sex with another woman by his wife. He looks her in the face and asks, "Are you going to believe me or your lying eyes?"
If someone doesn't want to go they will find a reason to stay, a reason to hope, or way to ignore the facts. You have to love yourself enough to believe you deserve better and can find better. Playing the role of a fool is a choice many make rather than walking away. They say "I love him so much" or "when I said my vows I meant them"....etc The real issue is they don't love themself and they don't realize it takes (both people) make a vow valid. Staying married for the wrong reasons is just as bad as getting married for the wrong reasons. Lastly if there are children around it sends a bad message to them regarding what one should (put up with) in a marriage.
Such a sound principle, dashingscorpio,
I was only in my twenties having two schoolchildren when I discovered my ex's womanizing and would have wanted to break my marriage, I did broke it eventually...after 18 years, well 18 years in that marriage but something like 10 years after the realization...reason for the too overdue decision was that I had the principle that I didn't want my children to grow up like bastards...Aside from their father's "secret" womanizing which I discovered, he was a perfectly loving father, provider, and husband; though I just existed in that marriage, no more love for him, I just poured all my time in my work and education in which I earned three masters degree...for self-preservation.
Sometimes, circumstances in life, especially when they involve parental love to growing up children, conflict with what we could have drastically decided on...but I have no regrets...if not for that so-called "sacrifice" my children wouldn't be professionals and successful as they are now...Life is tough and relationships make or break us...our children...and life as a whole.
Uhm, lots of "bastards" as you refer to them grow up to be professionals and successful. I don't agree that relationships make or break us at all, we make or break ourselves with our choices and determination or lack of. As one commenter said, people who want to stay with a cheater will find and excuse to stay and people who want more and think they deserve more will leave. I was one of the ones who left. My son is not a bastard, he is far better off with his new circumstances, and I am capable of giving him all the tools to succeeded in life by myself. My bottom line was that my cheating husband was taking away from his family, teaching that dishonesty is ok and cheating us out of time and respect. I'm showing my son what a strong woman is and that he can't get away with that behavior one day. I am teaching him to respect women. I'm not judging you for your decision to stay but it is not the only way and not always the best thing to do. People have to live their lives in their own comfort zones. Love doesn't cover all in my world because a cheating spouse isn't fostering love.
I can fully understand your hatred to cheaters...I am with you in that; haven't I been cheated for the nth time? Your logical explanation is valid and you have all the right to disagree with my decision to stay but I beg to disagree vehemently with anyone who intervene with my personal decision...nobody has the right to judge me as a weakling because of my decision...this is my life and this is how I live and I handle it the way I do... and I succeed in my own right.
Your culture and values systems are different from mine...my cheater husband was the perfect husband for me at the time, I was treated like a queen like nobody else that I knew of; except for his secret womanizing , that I only learned later he was an epitome for a perfectly loving, and caring person, not that I am justifying his womanizing; actually I don't have to explain and defend my myself...I am the one living my life and I make decisions for myself firmly...my colleagues and peers at that time thought that I was a weakling for not leaving my husband...I am wiser than anyone else when it comes to living my own life...I just know that my decision is always perfect for me and my children otherwise my son won't be a millionaire and respectable like he is now...I know exactly how long to stay and when to leave. It's my life after all. Each of us can make any decision we would like without necessarily listening to anyone's suggestions, for as long as we are capable to face any consequences...that is another way to demonstrate strength of character.
My forgiving heart emanates from my background as a Bible woman...I got the wisdom from higher sources which not everybody have.
I think a lot of people are so worried about ending a relationship "for no reason" or for "the little stuff" or prematurely, it can seem right to hang in and try to give the benefit of the doubt for longer than is really wise. Most people really do want to make the marriage last. A lot of people are very aware that "nobody's perfect", and so they're also tend to think that it would unrealistic not to be willing to put up with at least some things. They try to be understanding and try to consider that they may be wrong about the negative stuff they think they see in the other person. Then there's the thing about how the other person is a good mother or father to the children. There's also the thing about most people not wanting to break up their children's family and home.
Put all that stuff together,and you have a whole lot of people who take longer to leave than they really should.
(That's why, however, when some people eventually do leave, after living in a bad situation for too long, everyone else ought to be very careful about "having an opinion" about who lived with what for how long, or who "left at the drop of a hat" and "wasn't willing to work hard and try to make the marriage last". )
When it comes to making decision concerning marriage, the best people to do it is the couple; any wrong decision will greatly affect the personality and life as a whole to the persons involved.Marriage is among the major decisions in life; whatever decision one makes concerning his/her marriage will either make or break his/her life in the long run. Hence, everything is a case to case basis.
I dont hate cheaters. I dont agree with hurting and lying to others but that doesn't mean I hate the person, just the behaviour. I also don't disagree with your decision to stay, everyone must do what is best for them. I'm sure you did what you felt was best for your family and that's your choice to make. What is rubbing me the wrong way about what you are saying is that you appear to be suggesting that one must stay with a cheater for the children of the marriage to be successful adults. There are tons and tons of success stories in this world of children raised by single mothers and children raised in foster care or otherwise non-traditional circumstances. Stories of these children "making it" and taking on the world and being beautiful success stories. Again, I am not judging you for the decisions you made, I am simply stating that they are not the right choices for everyone and I don't believe staying with a cheater is the only chance for a childs success in life. Thats wonderful that it worked for your child but it may not be right for someone else and to label them as "bastards" because a woman chose to leave her cheating husband is just a little unfair. It's not the woman's fault and its certainly not the child's. In the end everyone must do what is best for them and that differs greatly with each circumstance but saying one choice or the other affects a child's entire life or chance of success is not an accurate conclusion to make, each circumstance differs. I am happy your choice worked out to be the best one for your family. Best Wishes!
I reviewed what I had written and found nothing like I am imposing my principle that could rub anyone else's principles. I never suggested that one must stay with the cheater for the sake of the children, I just stated matter of fact, my personal decision and conviction that in my situation at that time, my best choice, which was for me the least evil, was to stay...I was not suggesting to everyone else that they do the same...I reiterate, it was my own decision for myself...
If your husband, or anyone else's is a cheater and less loving and irresponsible at the same time then it would be better perhaps for them to leave...it's a case to case basis, mine was different...
In terms of the use of the term "bastard", it was also stated matter of fact...I never suggested that bastards are failures in life...we live in societies of varied values system...in my society, a bastard has to struggle and put extra effort to excel in anything he does...he cannot be just average like the legitimates with complete parents to guide him and stand by him...I reiterate, I am speaking for myself...if my culture is different from what you believe in, that won't necessarily mean that I am suggesting that my principle is the best ...I am just stating a fact that works for me.
In fact, if I choose to take you negatively, I can do it when you gave me this statement; " As one commenter said, people who want to stay with a cheater will find and excuse to stay and people who want more and think they deserve more will leave." I disagree with that stereotype copycat reasoning...generalizing people without looking into the fact of the situation...that is a statement that is prejudge-mental...but I leave it as it is because I know myself better and such stereotype is not applicable in my situation. There is still the consideration in the individual's background and personality type including Intelligence Quotient and other complex human factors.
I am sorry you took my answer that way. You asked in your question "any other idea?" which I took as you asking for different points of view on the topic. I offered my opinion and stated that I didn't judge you for yours. I also respectfully voiced my opinion about how I interpreted your words and respectfully stated how my views differed. I think you are right and it must be a culture thing as I was never concerned that my son would grow up like a bastard because I left an unfaithful marriage. That really isn't meant to be rude or insulting Its just not something that I feel would ever be an issue in my culture. Or maybe I'm just confused about the question or what you were looking for in people's responses, either way my intention was not to insult you or the decisions you made for your family.
I am sorry too. I don't mean offense too; that would be the last thing for me to do. In fact I appreciate so much your participation...we learn from one another...I think that the place to learn cultural differences is in hubpages.
We are in the same shoes, I left an unfaithful marriage but that does not make our children a bastard. If your son was born in that marriage then he is not a bastard, he is a legitimate...but then either way, please don't take that word personally, it may mean bad to you but for me it is just a word which means, a child that was born out of wedlock, no father to claim; that's why I said I don't want my child to be "like a bastard" because he can never be a bastard even if I left his father, he was born within our marriage, a legitimate child.
I never intend to insult, that is just how I express myself and how I explain...heard of individual, if not cultural differences.
I am sorry again if I make you feel bad.
Jynzly, you haven't made me feel bad at all. I am very interested to learn about how people think and how things differ from culture to culture. I have often said that my move to Vancouver (which has such a diverse group of people) has been one of the most educational experiences of my life. My best friend here is from the Phillipines and I am always fascinated by the differences in our upbringing. I read your hub about womanizing last night, I haven't had a chance to comment yet but I will say you are one strong woman. Good for you for all you have achieved on your own. In the end, it's a happy story...same as me
It is love conquers all. Many people erroneously and naively believe that when they fall in love with a person, their idiosyncracies and faults are only minor things in comparison with the overall relationship so to speak.
No, I mean COVER, not "conquer"...To conquer is to win over some conflicts...To Cover is to Forgive...to consider as the "sin" or mistake of a love one did not happen because he had been forgiven by virtue of being the beloved. Don't judge the heart of the one who loves...you may not be like that...don't say "erroneously"; it's a case to case basis...your experience in love relationship is different from the rest...what you say might be the one that works for you...this is the reason why I asked this question because we all differ...Our being different in seeing things does not necessarily that one is wrong and the other is right...it's just we have individual differences including on our perceptions in everything in this life.
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