My husband has grown complacently obese. I don't find him sexually attractive anymore. Any advice?
His obesity affects our sex life to where I don't want to be with him anymore. I've given him seven years of the 13 we've been together to take steps to change. He says I'm shallow and am not giving him his return on his investment. We have a family together.
It's posible that your husband doesn't feel like it matters anymore. It takes a lot of effort to lose weight at all, let alone a LOT of weight. If you feel like you are ready to "toss in the towel," I am sure that he senses that and says to himself, "oh well!"
Maybe try this approach; Sit with him and tell him you love him, "unconditionally." Tell him you understand how difficult it must be to change his eating habits, but you are willing to help him in anyway you can.
Maybe if he knew that there was a chance for the two of you and you dropped the pressure surrounding him, things would change.
Do you think that by having a family and spending 13 years together, that it might be worth it? If you don't, then why bother at all?
I'm not a professional, and it this is truly important to you, then you might want to seek professional help
From this response it seems there might be possibly more to talk about than just obesity. Just as a simple example if you take out the nouns from this posting you have three major themes that would be helpful to discuss/process as a couple.
1. Sex Life
2. Steps to change
3. ROI (Return on Investment)
I don't know the situation's details, but I would imagine that these three topics all have a connection with the root of the problem.
Your situation is a sad one, but not unlike many other couples. We just had our 40th high school reunion and the men looked much older than the women - perhaps it is the way we treat them. You should think really hard why you married him in the first place. Obviously your love was not unconditional. Are you without faults of your own? I suppose if you want to throw in the towel, it is better now than later. For the children involved, how will this affect them. Will they too be superficial when they look for a partner to marry, or think that marriage is important at all? Looks fade with age for the majority of us, but love can last much longer.
Return on his investment????????????Quite cras!!!!!!! I'd ditch him. He signed up for something entirely different from what you signed up for!
Vonda G. Nelson
I'm curious, His investment? What about yours? Marriage is a two way street! Give and take on both parts. Honey, your the cook. Start fixing him more raw salads with his foods. Serve it to him before the cooked is finished. Tell him to eat this before the rest of it is finished. Make sure there is lots of salad on the plate. He'll get full on the raw salad, eat less cooked, be nourished from live food, and loose weight. Not to mention his attitude will change drastically. Needless to say," Your love life will change and for the better. Don't ask him if he wants salad, just give it to him. He'll thank you latter.
I completely agree with you. I think, the cook at home should always take care of the health of family members. She or he should cook and serve food according to liking and health as well.
All family members should be served a balanced diet .
Excellent answer. And if he complains tell him you don't want to be a widow at a young age. Try different diets like South Beach, Clean Eating and so on.
Why assume the wife is the cook? That's not the case in every relationship. And even if she is the home cook, she cannot necessarily control what he eats when out of the house/at work.
True but she can control some of it when he is at home and not working and what fits in her schedule as well.
If I didn't know better, I'd say my wife has read your advice. She insists we have salad before dinner nearly every night. I complain about it because she gets a sense of satisfaction from having won me over, but I really don't mind them.
I'm not sure about what return on his investment he expects? Certainly, it is not unreasonable of you to expect him to try and remain sexually attractive - he may be suffering from depression or lack of self esteem which is de-motivating him- in which case, he needs to see his doctor.. it could be his hormones are outta whack, too.
If it's just laziness, though, maybe a little hint of competition for your affection might get him moving in the right direction?
Many people Believe Beauty is on the inside not on the out! However looks have a Huge part in a Relationship! Find options Like working out together Eating Heathy New Clothes a hair cut Some thing that Will benift the Both of you!
I dont think you are shallow at all, I think this is so common,take a look around ,everytime you go to the supermarket you see fat middle aged men,they dont appear to be very bothered about their appearance,but always about their partners,they soon criticise if partner puts weight on,wears unflattering clothes,etc,so what do we do ? we try and thats where the difference lies. Women try to look good ,try not to be unhealthily overweight we forgive ourselves a few pounds but anything over and we are made to feel guilty, fat men well its the wife's fault isnt it ? after all we force feed them and pour beer down their throats. There is only so much we can do ,how many times does a women have to ask her partner to ,go on diet with her,or cut down the beer,or come for awalk,or suggest sex might be more fun and happen a bit more frequently if both fit and belly not in way,men are very good at saying they will lose the weight,very good at suggesting if wife nicer and sex more often then he will try harder,but it does'nt happen.
What a romantic so and so your husband sounds,remind him trusts and investments flounder aswell, because they like his obesity are not been managed properly and sometimes outside forces have to step in to rescue them ,bit like relationships.
I've always been up front with my wife about the obesity topic. Our feelings are mutual on this and we joke about it quite often. My wife and I are both in pretty decent shape, no where near obese. We have told each other countless times during our 7 year relationship that if one of us got fat then it could be a problem in our marriage. And I don't mean chubby fat or post-pregnancy fat; I mean let yourself go fat.
I'm willing to keep in shape so that my wife finds me sexually attractive. Hell, I've actually gotten in better shape recently and my wife loves it. I used to have to literally beg for sex. But I found out it wasn't because I was fat, even though I was a little chubby, I just didn't have any muscle tone.
So, a few months of running laps at the park, some push ups, and some sit ups, and now she is coming on to me again like she used to.
Marriage is a two way street, like someone posted above. If one of you isn't willing to keep the other interested in you, then that person is obviously too lazy to keep their marriage together.
I don't believe he's given you much of a return, that's for sure!
Sex isn't everything in a marriage, but it's pretty darned important. For me, it strengths the bond between spouses, reinvigorates the love and passion that can fall dormant when trying to raise kids, work full time and manage daily life. So if you aren't interested in sex with him and you can't feel proud of being with him due to his appearance, that's a significant problem.
I agree that it may be shallow to overlook who the person is inside and judge them based largely on appearance, but that's just human nature. Whether it is right or wrong to do so is immaterial, it's how you feel. You can't nor should you pretend to feel otherwise or you're not being fair to yourself.
Maybe try more subtle tactics that will make him feel less defensive. For example, invite him to take walks with you for romantic reasons, not exercise. Even walking will be better than sitting on the couch. Try also cooking healthier foods. Use low fat ingredients and more fresh fruits and veggies. You can make wonderful entrees and desserts that taste just as good as the unhealthy stuff that he can enjoy without realizing what you're doing.
I would stop short of saying that you shouldn't be together, but if he can't make strides to improve his appearance for you, you shouldn't feel compelled to make love to him either. The problem is that you both will likely get mired in spiteful behavior and neither will change out of anger. Then he'll likely die of a heart attack and you'll be sexually frustrated or cheating. Either way, the key to your happiness and his good health is for him to try and get back to looking more like the man you married. Try the sneakier stuff. It's only because you hopefully still love him. You might just save his life and your marriage!
You need to remind your husband about his family and his commitment to you. He needs to put his comfortable shoes away and think about his life. Being obese can cause many health risks as well as risking your life. He needs to get healthy for him self or this will never work. H e needs to be a better father and role model when it comes to health and fitness. Good luck
I'm in the same boat. I empathize with you
I've been married for 30 years and unhappy for most of them. My wife has a lot of issues with her mom. She doesn't feel loved. I have tired everything under the sun to help her but nothing has worked. As for her mom issues, I don't think it will ever be resolved. As a result she has been putting on weight every year. She is now at least 100 pounds over weight and I'm being conservative.
As for me, I am a very active and fit person. I love going for walks, runs, bike rides. I go to the gym 4 - 5 days a week lifting weights and going to Yoga. I am also active in Judo as well. My kids like to be active as well. Her on the other hand has no interest.
As soon as she gets home from work, she's on the computer playing solitaire. She even plays it as soon as she gets up in the morning. If she's not on the computer she's watching TV or reading. She is not only obese, she farts and belches out loud, often in public. It disgusts me.
The last time we went on a holiday was when my eldest graduated, he's now 28.
I do about 80% of the house work.In fact I'm a half hour late for work everyday so I can stay on top of the house cleaning.
I am a vegan so I am very strict about what I eat, she's not. I do all my own cooking. I offer my meals to her but she is rarely interested.
We've spent thousands on counsellors (together and separate) and have always ended up with the same outcome (more eating and less activity).
I will never travel with her because she can't walk far before her knees start to hurt, besides it would would be too stressfull.
Now we are spending hundreds per year on massages and physiotherapy.
Even her doctor has given up talking to her about her weight.
She read an article recently that indicated overweight people live longer, so that has become her new reality.
I hate my life so much that I wish I would die.
I don't want to put us in financial ruin so I stay. I'm staying and just waiting to die.
Lonely, no sex, unloved, and unhappy, that's my life.
YOU should go to work on YOURSELF: do some things to grow, in your understanding of how relationship works, get your body in top shape, get a hobby, get some higher education...in short, stop focusing on HIM and work on self development. He will either get the hint that he could really lose you, or he won't. Either way, you will be in a better position to make a tough decision, yes?
Amen. I'm sure in the yrs y'all have been married you've made physical changes too! Lust kills marriages. Initial "investment" should have been in the Word of God!
I have to agree.Harping or making him feel worse is not going to get him to do anything about his weight and he will just alienate himself and go further into his eating disorder.
It is not shallow, if you don't feel it, you don't feel it. Your honesty with him should be highly appreciated and respected. Some people out there wouldn't share such honest thought, and the result would be an affair.
Share this with him, don't threaten him, and also approach him in health concern fashion.
Even though you're not attractive to him, he is still your husband, and I know you want him to be healthy for his own sake, and for your family's sake. Weight watcher isn't a bad idea, my brother lost a ton of weight on it.
Best wishes and good luck to you and your family,
Talk to him about his 'over-weight'. Maybe you suggest him to see a Weight-to-loose Physical Trainer and to help with a different more healthier dieat to help him loose weight. To be Obese is or can be serious. Even life=threatening as the pounds getting in a 'greater-higher weight' range.
General Principles for the Management of Obesity:
Assess dietary intake, level of physical activity, BMI, and waist circumference at every contact. Dietary changes and increased level of physical activity are the most economical means to lose weight. The socio-economic situation will affect ability to comply with dietary advice. Integrate weight control measures into the overall management of diabetes mellitus and co morbidities if BMI > 25 kg/m2 and/or waist circumference > 102 cm and 88 cm in men and women, respectively.
Achieving weight loss in the obese individual is not usually easy. Additionally, only a small percentage of those who lose weight are able to maintain the weight loss. There are no consistent criteria that will categorize the type of people who will successfully lose weight. Weight loss is difficult to achieve and maintain therefore it is important to
• Educate people, as well as their families.
• Set realistic goals.
• Use a multi-disciplinary approach to weight control. Psychosocial factors need to be addressed.
• Attention should be given to the development of community facilities and a safe environment to facilitate physical activity.
Don't have sex with him. You are not a pin cushion. You are a woman. A delicate flower that needs to be approached properly.
He should wear long nikers or other things but not tight to cool his testies .he will be sexually attractive in a few months.
I really can't add to the answers because they are all very good. An idea is to give for his birthday or Christmas is a gym membership. He may need a workout buddy so you probably should join as well. Many gyms give discounts when two join up.
Hi, I think you should accept him for what he is right now or you could either suggest him to workout back to his normal state
Try to get him to diet and tell him it is for health reasons, do it with him to get him doing it and if you need it too. Get some research to show him about overweight death rates and scare him into it. Cook healthier meals and do things that involve walking or biking. Get him started drinking more water, have him eat 4 small meals a day and no in between snacking.
This is going to be a lifestyle change, change how, when, and what you eat. And get active, especially after meals.
Have you considered marriage counseling? I think part of a successful marriage is being attracted to the person. I mean, why did you go on a second date with him? You probably found him attractive. Maybe it is shallow, but I feel the same way you do.
What return on what investment? What does that even mean?
You married the man for who he is not for his appearance. If you were attracted to him before he was obese you should love him if he is obese because inside of him he is still the same person. But that is culture today, looks mean more than the person themselves.
You should not be coming to online forums for marital advice. You guys need to see a marriage counselor. There obviously is much more wrong with your relationship than obesity. In fact, the obesity may simply be a symptom of deeper issues. When you start giving your partner ultimatums, it marks the beginning of the end. Don't hesitate. Go now!
Yes- shit right on his head while he's sleeping, then go f@ck his best friend... That should do the trick
Thanks for the comment, wba108! I agree, it's often tough to recognize the blurred lines between "normal" dysfunction and abnormal behavior.
Thanks, Anna-Rose! I'm sorry to hear that, but glad you can relate!
Tell him how you feel. Communication is ALWAYS the answer.
I am in no way trying to be mean but how big are you? And if your weight is under control is your desire for other men? The problem with today's society is they want bigger, better, nicer looking things. However, if your husband is being faithful to you, then you need to respect that. Sure you may be able to find someone better looking, but that doesn't mean they are a better man. Keep the husband you have, share with him your feelings about his outward appearance. And maybe you can change your inward attitude about the one you married til death do you part.
There is a double standard in today's society when it comes to physical appearance and weight. Men should be held to the same standards as women. I think that you already made that decision unconsciously. You're not attracted to him anymore & it seems that he doesn't want to lose the weight because he feels that you should accept him for who he is. He knows that you have been there and that you aren't going anywhere well he seems to think so. If you were to cheat on him, that would be a wake up call for him. I'm not telling you to cheat on him of course just making a point. I also agree with William.
So your not satisfied sexually. Well, I believe you have to do your part in giving him more courage to change and to help him get healthy and get him into shape. You have to give him love so he can build his confidence and feel more wanted. It is bad enough that you are not in love with you husband due to lack of sex; however, you should be more stronger and find that man that you married.
How about you go on a diet together? It'll be easier for him to lose weight if you're both doing it. Go on walks, or even runs if you're up to it. Cut down on snacks. Start eating more healthily. Do it as a family. If it's only his size that's an issue, you guys can make it work. Believe!
I understand that you might have lost some feelings for him, but try to see the positive things in him like kindness and happiness. If you don't
see these things in him anymore. You lost intrest in him. It's up to you at this point.
Physical appearance shouldn't matter much in marriage or desire.
hmmmm..well, maybe you can try feeding him healthy food, right? or try dieting together, exercising together, things like that. We all "grow" a little too much when we get married. We start being careless about how we look because we know that our spouses will love us anyway. But if it bothers you that much, health-wise, maybe you can help him out a bit. After all, you are his wife. And who else would be there to help him get back to shape, right?
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