Good job; this is a tough question.
A couple's sex life is obviously a big part of their relationship, but I think sexual incompatibility might be bearable if everything else is going well, but has the destructive force of an atom bomb when things aren't going well.
It also depends on the person and how different they are (e.g., it is a recipe for disaster to combine someone who is uber-conservative in the sack with a FREAK-A-LEEK!)
Yes. I believe it is a valid reason, especially if you've tried to salvage the relationship AND have made attempts to "fix" the issue. The word/term "marriage" forces people to try to be "happy" in an unhappy situation - it's almost the same as being comfortable with disillusionment than reality. I'm speaking from experience; I am currently in my first year of marriage (we've been together five years already) and I'm completely dissatisfied and unfulfilled sexually with my partner. That took some balls to say might I add. Be honest with yourself and your partner about your needs. Being loyal and loving has nothing to do with sexual compatibility - this is why people cheat. Most people on this forum are saying that it's okay to be sexually unfulfilled in your marriage but don't let go of a "good person" because of it. That's bullshit. This is why they're partner who are addicted to Internet porn and self-masterbation. Think about it.
Thanks for your answer. People are quick to dismiss sexual compatibility as being an important ingredient for a happy marriage. I actually wrote a hub on this topic. http://dashingscorpio.hubpages.com/hub/ … ationships
Great Read!!!!! I thoroughly enjoyed it. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!
Absolutely! Sex is a very real need for all humans. If a person's needs are not met on such a personal and important level that only creates bitterness, resentment and pain in a part of the hearts of the couple.
If your in love sex should not matter, if it's reaaaally bad then I would just tell me partner what's wronf
It's possible to truly love someone and yet be unhappy with aspects of your relationship/marriage. Since we're responsible for our own happiness sometimes you have to make a tough call. If it can't be fixed it's better to walk away than to cheat.
As long as the couple agrees that the needs of each person are not a factor in the relationship - I agree. In the real world love does not include sacrificing such a basic need of either person.
It's not simple. Every person has different need. someone need sex so much, while the other not. But, if the purpose of the marriage is to provide best education for generations (Children), I think no need to get divorce. However, if the purpose of the marriage is to get rid of free sex or to express love, getting divorce can be okay.
In the U.S. no one has to get married to have children. Most people get married because they're "in love" with their mate. The children are "offspring" of their relationship. What is best for the children is to have parents who are happy together.
As long as the values of the couple include raising children to believe that marriage does not include happiness - great point of view! If the couple agrees to demonstrate real answers to real decisions for the happiness of the family, won't happen.
No, ending the marriag because of incompatibility can never settle the problem if the kids are involved.
consider the following factors
1, Another guy might even be worst .
2. The kids will surely suffered the consequences.
3.No more focused & shame.
1. see the related counsellor.
3 . prayer
4. intimacy & much more foreplay & endurance.
My question would be how often have they had sex before deciding "We're not compatible". I would not end a marriage over the lack or quality of sex. If I was not satisfied, I would talk to my husband and let them know and work to practice or maybe try new things that may help. But, that should not be the main reason for marrying, so it should not be the reason for divorce.
Unfortunately it is one of the top reasons people give for (cheating) on their mates/spouses. Sometimes it's about quality and other times it's about the lack of interest or change in libido in one of them. Divorce is more honorable than cheating.
The question will be answered by your own character, inner growth, environmental and social circumstances, as well as what you feel your needs are. What do you prioritise?
Some find that emotional security and avoidance of loneliness is preferable as they grow older. Still, I repeat that it is the individual that ultimately decides. How do you feel? It is all a part of loving yourself, two words which are extremely meaningful but can be sometimes used without meaning. Reflect on this.
I am a newly married girl so as per now everything is fine for me whether little sex or a lot sex. But may be on later part sex is important for closeness of the couple but do not think that it may be any reason to get part. Marriage is about making each other's smile and that can be done without sex too.
I know you posted this quite a long time ago but I have had the same question rolling through my mind as I am in a marriage that is about as dead as it gets and it started out with a tapering of sex about a year into the marriage. I
am 48, he is 15 years older than me,
and we have been married now 24 years. I stayed for the children (richardbrown81) and staying did more damage than if I had got out. Children see unhappiness and frustration, anger , all the issues associate with an unhappy marriage and they suffer also and often are unable to have normal relationships themselves or do not believe they exist because they grew up seeing the unhappiness in their parents.
After the children left home it became even worse, I keep asking myself how can you be married and be lonely and sad?
It has only gotten worse and worse. C
He could care less if I am satified in any way, it has been 1 year and 2 month , this time. it is difficult because you feel unloved, starved for companionship, starved for physical feeling. I
t tears down your emotional well-being and causes bitterness. Now
i stay for two reasons Guilt because he is 63 now and fear i
think as I have nevr been on my own, It's complicated but my answer is NO a marriage cannot survive no sex, there has to be some sort of physical contact to satisfy that basic need and for one partner to expect the other to give up any contact because they cannot or wont perform the complete act is selfish and abusive. There are other options to all out intercourse...
Considering how sexual energy and appetite can wax and wane through a lifetime, it seems a foolish and even selfish reason to end a marriage if that is the sole problem.
I believe that when you get married you accept everything about your spouse. That means that you accept who they are sexually as well. So, ending a marriage over sexual incompatibility is not consistent with why marriage is entered into in the first place.
I believe people get married believing a person is going to continue to be who they presented themselves as being. If someone behaves one way to "win you over" and afterwards they reveal their "authentic self" you shouldn't feel obligated to stay.
Marriage is an option. But, once you are married, divorce should never be a way to just move on. Having gone though a nasty divorce, I can attest that just "not staying" is way easier said than done.
Most people who say "divorce is the easy way out" have never gone through a divorce! Having gone through a divorce I can attest to the fact there are many people who'd rather (cheat) in an unhappy marriage than go through a divorce and they do.
Why would you get married if you weren't compatible to start with?
Patrick, I think it's common for (some people) to bend over backwards to please one another during the infatuation/courtship phase. Once they get married they "relax" or show their "authentic selves". After they're married they put in less effort.
Although some people may disagree, I think that if you are not able to connect to your partner sexually then the relationship can last so long.
No, there are other ways of intimacy. The number one reason people divorce is because of money. Although sex is very important in the marriage, a couple can find other ways of intimacy.
I think this a matter of choice...life is short, right? Why be unhappy... but I bet a mistress or even swinging could solve this dilemma, depending on your morals. But lack of sex or quality of sex is common in a marriage based on work and kids, and maybe monotony, etc., etc... I'd suggest finding ways to spice up your sex life because the truth is, the grass may not be greener on the other side... maybe in the next relationship, sex will be the basis of your relationship and all other aspects of the marriage lacking...and even deeper than that, is there truly such a thing as sexual incompatibility? Maybe you just haven't enticed, seduced or inspired your wife to be the super freak you want her to be... they say relationships are a mirror... maybe do the things you want done to you to her and she'll return the favor...or in the process she'll discover her inner freak... it's worth a try if you truly love her, because from some eye views, sex is just a small part of a marriage... Then again, some people are asexual, and maybe a sex therapist can help if the issue goes deeper than that... I personally wouldn't end an otherwise happy relationship for something as minute as sex, I'd find a way to make it work the way you want it to... for richer or poorer, in sickness and health... for better or worse... you know the rest... I do have another comment however, if you are in a sexless marriage, and all other aspects of the marriage are good, then maybe you just have a friendship... and there is a clear difference between a friendship and a loving relationship...maybe the sexual attraction has dissipated, and if this is the case, maybe you just need to have a discussion with your wife and ask her if she feels the same and just mutually agree that the passion is gone and that you both want and deserve more...otherwise, you have to find a way to rekindle the flame...
poeticmc, This was a hypothetical question. Most people have said bad sex is (not enough of a reason) to divorce. However when asked if they prefer their mate to leave them or cheat on them most say they'd rather he/she left! Many who stay, cheat.
Sex to me is not the most important thing in a relationship.I think it depends on how the couple wants to handle it or if they even talk about it. Communication is the most important thing. Do y'all cheat and just not talk about it or do you talk about it & decide sex I just that SEX. Sex is not love. First I would try to get on the same page sexually. If that don't happen, then decide if I could be in a relationship where we love each other & want to be together & have sex with others. Some can handle it most can't. Me as a woman for some reason could care less if its ever had sex again & love my husband & want to keep my relationship & wouldn't mind him getting sex somewhere else as long as its not in my face or hear about it. I don't know if my views will change, but when the do our communication is there, so I will tell him & we will look into it further but for now I'm happy.
HowImfeelingnow, I would venture to guess you are among a minority of women. Very few women who lack a desire for sex are okay with their mate getting it someplace else. Usually they don't want to have it and they don't want him stepping out!
So here is the problem... this is such a loaded question. When there is an incompatibility in the bedroom, it is often a symptom of a much larger issue. A partner who feels compelled to look outside of the marriage because he or she is not satisfied (be it sexually or emotionally) needs professional help. That said, if the counseling and any other interventions are unsuccessful, it is not anyone's place to judge the final decision. Sex IS important, and constant rejection leads to feelings of neglect, lowered self-esteem, depression, and inadequacy.
Most people say sexual incompatibility isn't a good reason to end a marriage. However if asked if they'd rather their mate leave them or cheat most would say (leave)! The neglected person must decide. Cheaters don't want a divorce. They stay until
Possibly but not probably. Perhaps it's not for that reason alone. Sex is part of the language of love and maybe that love is not be communicated authentically. The longer a couple is together the more routine the sexual aspects and components of the relationship become. I suggest that you speak with a counselor or sex therapist. for six months or so and then if you cannot work out a solution to the problem, you'll have to make a difficult choice.
Thus is the replies .So what to conclude ? Is yes or No or else 50-50?
supremeupbeat k: Life is a personal journey. As with most relationship issues this is not about right or wrong. Each individual is entitled to have their own "deal breakers". Everyone has their own "must haves" for being happy in relationships.
Sexual incompatibility is not a valid reason for ending marriage. I believe that marriage is not only for sex reasons but a companionship that has love, respect and above all understanding.
Aileen, Over 90% of people are in agreement with you. However when I ask; "Would you rather your spouse cheat on you or leave you?" Most people say they'd prefer their spouse to leave! Essentially it's the same question from another point of view.
I'm sure many do, but as a Christian my convictions would not allow me to. I made a vow before God that my marriage covenant would last "until death do us part!" That's a serious issue, though, and I would recommend counseling or professional guidance to help resolve that challenge.
It is a big No. God has given to us the mind to think the right solution for every problem. Let us use this and be strong in the name of Love.
Is was quite a sad situation, for anyone to answer this question. Because, If husband and wife, tries to end their marriage, due to their sexual incompatibility, then there will exists no importance, for the relationship, they were in these years. Even, Sexuality, just depends upon the better understanding of the both. A better communication of each other, on their difficulties, will give them, run a smooth relationship.
Under these circumstances rarely is it both people wanting out. The person with low libido or not putting in the effort to please their spouse is "content" with the way things are. The unhappy person is the one who decides to leave or stay & chea
It depends upon on the misunderstandings between them. Because, people will never try to stay from their relationships. But, Sometimes, they may leave their relationship, for unnecessary reasons.
chaitanyasaivb, Open and honest communication eliminates any "misunderstandings". Once it becomes clear that you have different priorities or do NOT want the same things that is when (tough decisions) are made. Communication is not action.
If your mate were deciding on whether to stay with you and cheat or to leave you; would you still answer no? Most people would rather their mate leave them than to cheat on them! I believe that applies for most countries living in a free society.
i think sex need feeeeeeeeelings to win love mor than me and she
Every couple has its own identity and it is hard to say if sexual incompability should be a factor for divorce. Not being able to truly surrender to a partner or vice versa might be an indicator that something between a couple is seriously wrong. I wouldnt stay in a relationship that I didnt enjoy having sex with my partner. Unfortunately that decidion would affect the whole household. Should one sacrifice hapiness for the sake of not having a broken home?
There is only one reason why I would end a marriage, which is perfectly good in all other matters, for sexual incompatibility, is if the spouse was cheating or it was quite obvious he was attracted to other women but me. For as good as a marriage is, it would be soul crushing to be involved with a man who had no desire for me while spending the rest of his time ogling women. However, one sees this usually occurring with younger men.
Otherwise, there could be lots of affection, love and consideration in a long term marriage where sex either dissipates to that of being a rare occasion or to nothing at all. Such a man (or woman) does not ogle others or watch porn, they simply have lost interest in the deed. This is more of a natural occurrence in long term marriages than one thinks. The husband could be suffering physical illnesses that could be affecting his potency such as medication or low testosterone. Same with the wife-she could be taking libido reducing medication or undergoing the difficulties of menopause which interfere with libido. Also, as a couple ages, into their 60s especially, sex is no longer such a driving force in a relationship.
However, there could be reasons for lack of sex that can be figured out through good counseling such as attempting to overcome extreme marital crisis such as drug abuse, alcoholism, unemployment, mental llness, etc. Although, it is oftentimes hard to overcome these sorts of crisis, if a couple is young enough that sex is still central to their marriage, counseling can help overcome the resentment from those issues which can affect a couple's sex life.
However, if the marriage is a long term one, both couples are of an advanced age and with health problems and no major crisis affecting the marriage then the thrill of sex no longer has to be the focus of an otherwise very good marriage. My husband cooking a great meal for me, providing for my financial needs, being my best friend, continuing to be loyal and attentive is much more important to me than a 20 minute brief pleasure of youthful sex.
lyndapringle, Thanks for answering. Quite a few people have said they would NOT end their marriage due to sexual incompatibility. However when asked if they'd rather their (mate) leave them or cheat on them due to this issue they choose (leave)!
May be, but if a wife is ready to cope up with that incompatibility then there is no sense in putting an end to the relationship, as there are lots of emotions and desires are involved behind a successful marriage life.
m abdullah, Thanks for your answer. The premise of the question deals with both people (accepting) the fact they're sexually incompatible. One person has a higher libido then the other who has a low one or has (very little interest) in sex.
Then in that case your query stands true.
Concerning the ending of a marriage is a big step. First you should look at the situation from all angles. 1. How old is he? 2. Does he eat properly? 3. Does he get enough exercise? and 4. What is his current health status? All things must be considered. I read recently believe it or not that a zinc deficiency can cause premature ED in men and low libido in women. So please before you end it check these four things off the list first. Another problem has been BPA. If would do some good to research this. It is in many plastics that we use daily.
Though, what happens in a bedroom is essential for a good relationship, but a relationship moves smoothly by what happens outside the bedroom.
However everyone has their own "must haves" in a relationship for (them) to be happy.
Ideally both individuals (agree on what is important) to them and (want) the same things. Whenever someone is unhappy potential problems arise.
On the marriage day, husband and wife make a vow that amounts to an oath to live with their partner in good and in bad.
Couples who remember that God recognizes marriage vow, will not dare end their marriage irrespective of the situation.
While they will continue to find ways to improve it, but there is nothing they can do, they rather leave matters to God, the originator of marriage and family. Off course, it is distressing, not to be satisfy sexually, but in obedient to God, couples can still maintain their marriage. No i will not end it.
You said: "Couples who remember that God recognizes marriage vow, will not dare end their marriage irrespective of the situation." However marriage is not a "prison" and people want "happily ever after". Most people have (their) "deal breakers".
If you have everything else there is no reason to throw the baby out with the bathwater. OMG. No cheater or divorce necessary.
First of all a couple should have addressed this before marriage. The no oral sex issue should have been addressed. You can teach people without a manual but if you knew this person didn't like to have sex and this is important to you, a person needs to let their partner know this up front. Avoiding sex seems to be more a psychological "bad person" issue or past sexual abuse problem left addressed. If you have had awesome sex then why would you not want to continue to have the feeling? Maybe the partner thinks they are a good performer and they are not. There is help for everything.
Send the kids away. Invite your husband home to a dark room, candles, a air matress, chocolate covered strawberries, chocolate and sexual music. (song of the hour: Neyo "Say It." Get the blindfolds out, the feathers, and light whips.........okay too much information but case and point-people do everything but share their desires with their mate.
Fix the problem. It's easy to do the work and make changes with your partner then to look for the 20% you didn't have when your partner suppllied the 80%.
There's a variety of reasons for incompatibility. Maybe one person was never into sex to begin with! They just wanted to be married and did it. They supplanted marriage for parenthood, menopause or low T can cause lack of interest in one of them.
I don't have an issue with this but if I did it would not end my marriage we are way more than just that.
Most people say the same thing. This belief also explains why people choose to cheat as oppose to running down to the courthouse to file for divorce. If the issue based around sex they don't think divorce is the answer.
sorry I missed the cheating part, I am going to say neither would happen.I am the opposite I would rather have my husband leave without as much as a goodbye ! for good than cheat and visa versa,this goes against my entire thinking
You're not alone. People answering this question tend to think only in terms of themselves concerning staying in a sexually frustrating marriage. However if they were told their spouse is considering cheating or leaving they'd rather them go!
I, personally, have before. Now I see that those marriages should not have been. Every once in a while though, you discover that one of the flings should have been a marriage but you blew it. That's why the powers that have been invented Facebook.
First of all "kids being happy", in my opinion, does not measure whether the marriage is good or not.
Secondly, I believe pleasing your partner is a skill that you gain in time like any other. Bad sex life (or non existing) might be the indicator of deeper problems. In general if you are no selfish and you are open to each other their is always a middle ground.
Odds are if someone has a low libido they aren't likely to initiate or put much effort into pleasing their partner or maintaining a healthy sex life. I agree those who are still "in love" will desire to please their spouse. Unhappy people leave.
Well, cutting out the crap, all this talk is happening only because of SEX - Sex is the primary reason for our existence. So, talking about quality of life is pointless - I am absolutely dissatisfied - still I'm pulling on - let's see how long I can continue!
It's important that you're sexually compatible with your companion. If you aren't then it's important that you have an open relationship where you can be sexually satisfied with other people. Not every relationship needs to be focused on sexual satisfaction but you should be able to be sexually satisfied from someone if not your significant other.
RJ, You make a valid point. If one person has no interest in having sex but still loves their mate they should be open to an arrangement where their mate can discretely have their needs addressed. A not with me nor anyone else is a control issue!
Sex has always played a big role in all of my relationships. And on my personal opinion sex isn't just a simple desire to for pleasure, it is an act of expressing love to your partner.
But most of the times, it really isn't about sexual compatibility that has the problem, rather it might be communication or the lack thereof. Communication is key especially when talking about a very intimate act such as sex.
Communication however is a not an "ask and it shall be given proposition." In fact I would say communication is the GPS for relationships to let a couple know if they're "growing together" or "growing apart".
i totally agree with you, couple don't really take the time and talk what turns them on.
Marriage after a certain point of time turns into a union of two souls who work hand in hand to make a happy family.With time as your family grows, it demands more time towards your family and you end up spending less time with your better half. When you are married to someone its not merely for sex, marriage demands compatibly in the form of friendship. If you can be best friends with your spouse, then even after years of marriage it wont extract out the sexual compatibility between two souls. If sexual incompatibility is one of the many reasons to end up marriage then I would say go for it, but if its the only reason then try talking to your partner. Go on a vacation or try surprising your partner with decorated room. Start talking to each other and don't limit your conversations just talking about your kids. In any relationship being open to each other is very important, getting out of situation is easy but trying to work on it is a challenge and if you succeed in doing so then you can sail in this beautiful bond of marriage forever.
No one gets married for the sake of having sex.
However one believes they can "forsake all others" because they have someone committed to fulfilling those needs. Given a choice between your mate leaving or cheating on you which would you prefer?
I agree. I would prefer my partner leave me rather than cheat on me.
If there is no sex or the sex is bad, it is a good reason to end a marriage.
Sex is the one thing that can hold a long term marriage together when everything else falls apart. You never know what is going to happen to you as you go along in life. Bad things do happen. Life challenges you. Good sex should be the one thing that no one can take away from you.
I agree with you. Sex is a bonding agent in most long-term relationships. It's hard to be truly happy if one (desires sex) but is not having it in their relationship/marriage.
And yet our society insists upon downplaying it's importance.
Acceptable is determined one's own individual core of beliefs. There is no "right" or "wrong". Only you know what is acceptable or justifiable in your life. My question had to do with whether or not (you) consider it to be a "valid reason".
Science says the average time to feel love for someone is no longer than 3 years accord to a research made in a country considered 1irst world but , its not a rule, the media encourage people to have affairs just for a selfish feel forggeting the love and promises made eachother in that time when the sentence - i will love you no matter what - was all and now means nothing .
Absolutely, without a doubt. If you don't mind that your partner has no attraction to you or your needs, that's fine. If neither one of you has sexual needs any longer, that's fine too. But if one does and one doesn't, and it's been communicated, I would say that yes, that's grounds for divorce (depending on the person of course.) It all depends what you want out of the relationship, and what they want.
Excellent points! The underlying reason why many are willing to "forsake all others" is their belief that they have someone committed to being there for them physically and emotionally. The absence of either one has often led to infidelity.
I say no, because a marriage should be based on love, the emotional kind. It shouldn't matter whether the husband and the wife have sex or not. All that matters is that they love each other. That's a real marriage.
Yes if it is leading to other serious problems. But there are many people using it as an excuse for extramarital relationships. The best thing to do is to find how you yourself can change the situation.
I guess the question you can ask yourself is "do you love your spouse even without the benefits of good sex?" if your answer is YES then maybe you can still turn things around. Talk to your spouse and see how it goes. But probably refrain from being self-centered about the intimacy part, like "your spouse can't satisfy you" or something - not that. Just make it a little sweeter like "I love it when you do this or that.."
I'm a believer of lasting relationships and divorce should always be the last option especially if the partnership is good anyway. But I do get your point, sometimes you just wanted to feel good, needed, attractive, right? we all do.
I hope it gets better for you though.
Yes sometimes it is the only reason for divorce.. In my opinion there should be better understanding before marriage marriage between husband and wife
No,this is not only a reason for ending marriage.
Marriage is not only the name of having sex,and one can not able to sex is not able to marriage.
It is the name of a happy relationship of two persons,in which a sex is only a little part of happiness.
Because sexuall incompatible is offen natural.
Partners should help each other.they can be happy but sex is also important but not the reason of ending marriage.
Yes, most certainly. Get the hell out of the marriage as fast as you can as soon as the incompatibility arises, if the other marriage partner won't do anything to help resolve your differences when it's brought to their attention. Don't be long suffering and hope that things will change or improve because they never will.
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