When did you choose?

1. 76

   jlparkposted 11 years ago

   When did you choose?
   
   Sexuality.  When did you choose? Were you young? Old? After an interesting experience, or a disturbing one?
   
   My belief is that if one states that sexuality is a choice, then it is one they have obviously had to make - to be straight, or to be gay. So, I'm looking to see when people made their choices, cause I'm curious.
   
   I am aiming to write a hub, because whilst we can all say "it is" or "it isn't" there is no proof other than anecdotal evidence one way or the other. REGARDLESS of the results, I will write the hub (i just need some answers people). Please do not derail the question however.

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2. 75

   Cantuhearmescreamposted 11 years ago

   I'm glad you asked and yes, people debate/fight all the time whether sexual preference is a choice or not, so I'm looking forward to the Hub. Myself, if I chose, it was a subconscious decision. I know that by kindergarden I was chasing the sex that I still chase today. I don't remember choosing it was just who I was drawn to. Born that way or ingrained? I couldn't tell you.

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      jlparkposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      CantU - thank you for your answer.  I like the way you thought about it.
      I guess, what I want to do is get people to think about it - both sides of the argument - to look into the other side.
      Thank you for answering!

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      Cantuhearmescreamposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      I appreciate you asking and I know that you're aware of the debate your going to stir up and I'm sure that you're aware some people are going to be negative with you. So I say good for you in being brave; it should be talked about... in the open.

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      jlparkposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Thanks.  I know, and I'm sick of the debate, so I thought lets put it out there, and have the chance for everyone (on HP at least) to answer without judgement. I'm genuinely curious, and promise to write the hub regardless of outcome.

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      Cantuhearmescreamposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Well I truly hope you get the answers your looking for because it is a topic that "everyone has something to say" about it but when the time comes to have a legitimate conversation about it; "mums the word".

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      jlparkposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Too true. I just realised I've asked a similar question before, but from a "go on -prove it to me" place. I'm not there anymore - I truly want to know.  Hopefully people aren't too shy!

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      Cantuhearmescreamposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Who cares? I think the only real problem that gets in the way of this question is it's association with religion. I try to stay as far away from the topic as possible because people seem to be so heated on one end of the other. They can't accept the

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      Insane Mundaneposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Yeah, she is chasing me right now...  Or maybe I'm letting her; who knows!

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3. 69

   Silver Fishposted 11 years ago

   I didn't choose. I am not sure that we can choose to be gay or straight, any more than we can decide whether to be left or right handed.

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      jlparkposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Thank you for your answer, Silver Fish.

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4. 80

   Author Cherylposted 11 years ago

   Sexuality is not a choice by any means.  You don't wake up one morning and say Im gonna be gay or straight.  Just as you have no choice to be born, what race you are, what nationality you are, how smart you are, what foods you're going to like, it just does not work that way.  Sexuality is born in all of us.  Now how you act on it that is a totally different question and answer because there are people gay who hide and date the opposite sex for fear of being teased about it.

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      jlparkposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Perhaps that is where the choice in the matter lies - whether to act upon it or not.  Thank you for sharing.

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   jonnycomelatelyposted 11 years ago

   Great question and one we need to have the openness to ask AND actually listen to answers that are forthcoming.
   Personally, I don't know if I really "chose" to be "gay."   Maybe subconsciously.   Sexuality for me whilst growing up was a totally unknown quantity.   No one ever gave me any education about it, beyond describing how two Spirogyra lay alongside each other in water and somehow made more than two of themselves.....
   The word Gay is so meaningless in my life, I don't really like using it.... but I can tell you for sure I have never desired sex with a female; never had a girl friend or girl companion.  I have and do desire an intimate, meaningful relationship with the "right man," but not at all interested in dabbling around with someone whom I do not connect with.
   Does this answer any of your questions?   Just trying to be openly honest

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      jlparkposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Thanks Jonny, and yes, it does answer my questions. Thank you for sharing

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6. 82

   ketageposted 11 years ago

   I did not choose, I woke up one day looked at a pretty girl and thought to myself WOW, she is cute. I was young at the time, I don't remember it ever being a question of choice for me, more a physical reaction.
   
   As for the interesting experience, at the time I was definitely looking to have some of those, so I would say the interesting experience came after my interest in girls.
   
   I am not sure if one can choose to be straight or gay, I have seen peer pressure make a person doubt their sexuality, ( a friend of mine was gay being pressured into acting straight ). Eventually he came out, which was much better for him I think, the stress was driving him crazy. From what he told me, he did not choose.
   I think a persons preference is ingrained in them, I do not think its a matter of choice.

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      jlparkposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Thank you for your insightful answer!

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7. 75

   Neinahpetsposted 11 years ago

   I can't say I believe it was ever a choice of mine, but a reflexive action.  I just started going for what I liked and was drawn to and here I am today.  Still attracted to the same types I was when I was young.  It's a "I want what I want", how I got here is unknown and I'm not going to over think things... over-thinking leads to unhappiness.

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      jlparkposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Neinahpets - Thank you for your answer, and I agree - over-thinking leads to unhappiness.

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8. 78

   Moon Daisyposted 11 years ago

   I agree.  For someone who's sexuality is clear to them, and who has no impediments to them "being who they are" there would be no need to choose.
   
   As a teenager I was a little unsure of my sexuality.  I didn't think much of boys (although to be fair, I had not met many good ones!), but found girls absolutely fascinating.  So it was confusing.  I phoned a gay/lesbian helpline once to ask about going to one of the meetings they held, but was told to try again in a few years time!  (I was over 16, but just sounded younger).  Who knows what would have happened had I managed to go?
   
   My parents were strict so I didn't date much anyway.  And when I was allowed to, I went out with some guys but felt nothing for them, so I was still confused.  It was only when I was in college and had much more freedom that I met some guys who I did find attractive and had a few brief relationships.  Then later on when I met my now-husband, there was a major attraction!  And I still feel that way.
   
   However, I still find women fascinating and attractive, in a way that men just aren't.  And can see how a woman might fall for another woman.  I can also see the advantages of being with someone who would just understand you so much more, (by virtue of her having the same body and going through the same things every month).
   
   So I've always thought that I'm probably a little bisexual, and I think that lots of people probably are.  And because of that then maybe a lot of us do have to choose.
   
   But for people who are clearly attracted to one sex only then that is who they are.  I don't think there is much choice involved there, (unless perhaps you're gay but choose to conform to society).  You cannot change who you are attracted to, it's a primal thing, ingrained in you.  It's part of who you are.
   
   (Sorry for the long answer!)

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      jlparkposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Moon Daisy - thank you for your thoughtful answer. What I am hoping to do is get people to think about it, regardless of the side they sit on, and consider it without the threat of debate. Thank you for your answer (not long at all!)

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9. 84

   FatFreddysCatposted 11 years ago

   I was about nine years old when I suddenly realized that Daisy Duke on "Dukes of Hazzard," Col. Wilma Deering on "Buck Rogers in the 25th Century" and Lynda Carter as Wonder Woman were all pretty durn hot stuff!!

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      jlparkposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      - Thanks for sharing FatFreddysCat.

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10. 72

    cebutouristspotposted 11 years ago

    I think its a mixture of a lot of thing.  Some of which are environment, peers, upbringing and ofcourse choice.

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    1. 76

       jlparkposted 11 years agoin reply to this

       Cebu - thank you for your answer. I do not wish to get into a debate, I would just like to ask, if you wish to elaborate on your own choice? Only if you want to.

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11. 73

    johndnathanposted 11 years ago

    Well, being a pansexual; which is someone who finds attraction in male, female, and intersex people; it actually was a choice for me.  However, that choice was not "who am I attracted to?".  I had no control in that regard.  My choice was "am I seeking a man or woman in my online love-finder thingie, because the stupid program wouldn't let me choose both!

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       jlparkposted 11 years agoin reply to this

       John - thanks for your answer. Perhaps you should make a site that does let you choose 'both" as an option!?

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12. 80

    Li Galoposted 11 years ago

    I was caught kissing a boy when I was five years old! 
    
    So, there was no choice in that.  I just wanted to and I did and he liked it, too!  The kindergarten teacher wasn't exactly pleased with me, Lol... She later told my mother in a parent teacher conference that I was a "little boy-crazy."  Hahaha... 
    
    I went to a mainly lesbian college.  I never switched teams.  Women are cool but I'm not attracted to them.  It's men that get my heart racing!

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       jlparkposted 11 years agoin reply to this

       Li Galo - thank you for your answer. I smiled at your "got caught"!

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13. 60

    duffsmomposted 11 years ago

    I don't believe sexual orientation is a choice, though many may disagree. I was born heterosexual and have always had those feelings from as early as I can remember.  So I never made a choice.  My own sex has never appealed to me in that way.

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       jlparkposted 11 years agoin reply to this

       Duffsmom - thank you for your answer.

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    Lady Guinevereposted 11 years ago

    Being that I obviously had the female genitalia it occurred to my parent's that I was a girl.  However, the media and religion are downplaying the other obvious things that children are born with....those that have both parts of the genitalia.  Who chose their sexuality?  The church or the parent's or maybe even the Dr's told them what to choose.  Many times it was not the correct one.  When do we choose then?  I wrote a hub about the many other genders that we have and some religious folks really despised the hub and called me all kinds of names.  Some even said that the science is not specific enough.  Are we to say that those who cross dress or those that get surgeries to switch their sexual orientation wrong?  A lot is going to be in your hub as there was mine.  When you get it done, I want to read it.

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       jlparkposted 11 years agoin reply to this

       Thanks for your answer Lady Guinevere. I will post a link here when it is done (though, I would like to offer those who believe it is a choice sufficient time to answer also)

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15. 69

    healthyfitnessposted 11 years ago

    It's definitely not a choice. We are hardwired by biology to be the way we are

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       jlparkposted 11 years agoin reply to this

       Thanks for your answer. Do you wish to elaborate further?

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16. 74

    SidKempposted 11 years ago

    As a boy, I was attracted to girls. As a man, I'm attracted to women. That has always been true. And yet I believe it is a choice.
    
    As a child, I liked the color blue, and I didn't know why. But it was still a choice. Now, I like blue, and I also like violet, and I know why.
    
    I have friends who are attracted to people of the same sex and people of the other sex. I have one friend who was once a lesbian and is now a happily married woman. She is very self-aware and made her choices.
    
    So, you have both my answer - I have always felt attracted to women - and my opinion - even feelings we do not understand are choices.

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       jlparkposted 11 years agoin reply to this

       SidKemp - thank you for your insightful answer. This is what I wanted - reasons behind people's thoughts on this. Thank you for sharing

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17. 89

    Theophanesposted 11 years ago

    This is a funny question because although I do believe this is an inherent personality trait I also am free to note that I believe in my particular case I did choose. I chose to be nothing - an asexual - through my teen years because when all my friends hit puberty I thought they'd all gone mental. To me they seemed crazy and the older we all got and the more sex got into our lives (and screwed a lot of these ladies' lives up) the more I decided - nope, I'm not missing anything! I squelched any sexual thoughts in my own mind until I felt nothing. I didn't get involved with anyone until I was 25 years old and that was mainly because he spent years getting to know me and I knew intellectually he was a good match (I was never one to trust emotions on these matters.) We're doing well since I crossed over from asexual to "demi-sexual" (someone who only finds their partner and no one else sexually attractive) - but I still find sexuality strange and do not feel attraction for anyone else. I couldn't even tell you what makes someone sexy. I'm clueless. Maybe that just means I was naturally more on the asexual side than anything and I have tricked myself to believe this was some sort of mental accomplishment. I do not know but I have written a few articles on asexuality. Feel free to check them out. I doubt you even considered it in your original question, but that's OK, we're pretty invisible.

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       SidKempposted 11 years agoin reply to this

       Thanks - your point that, whatever our inclinations, we choose our behavior and even how we direct our ttention and feelings is a good one. I am married. When my eye wanders, I sometimes just enjoy it, and others bring the energy home to my wife.

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       jlparkposted 11 years agoin reply to this

       Thank you for your answer - Asexuality, and demi-sexuality are as valid as any sexuality, and I do hope you felt included here. Thank you for sharing.

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       SidKempposted 11 years agoin reply to this

       Now that I have space for another few words: There are many types, even, of asexuality. Brahmacharya & tantra are different from each other & from celibacy, even when each involves no sexual contact with another person. I experiment with the

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       Cantuhearmescreamposted 11 years agoin reply to this

       Theophanes, Ah if only everyone was "demi-sexual"... what a world that would be.
       
       SidKemp, Experiment with the ...? Go on, please I'm very curious. :-)

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    IDONOposted 11 years ago

    I'm a straight guy with an odd spin on this subject.
         I am a recovering alcoholic. I believe I was born an alcoholic or at least predisposed to be one. But the alcoholism didn't show symptoms until I started to drink. I didn't know, until then. No one drinks or drugs with the intentions of , or the knowledge of becoming an addict. Until I was exposed to and consumed alcohol, I just plain didn't know.
         I believe gay people are born with that same predisposition but don't know it until their first sexual encounter. How would they? Maybe the decision to go with your gut or to resist the feelings is a matter of choice, but the inner feelings are not.
         This is just another case of a group of people thinking you are different, therefore you are wrong. That is so untrue.
         Since I got sober, I've had a lot of people tell me that they like the "real me" now so much better. When the "real you" (as a gay person) comes out, they call you a freak of nature. What's wrong with this picture?
         I know this is a strange take on this, but I hope you can see the parallels I'm trying to express.
         Since the "real me" showed up, it's amazing how much easier accepting people different from me is and I have a lot more friends. There are a lot of good people out there that are much different than me. I want to get to know them all. Why cheat myself by hiding inside of my own little world?

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       jlparkposted 11 years agoin reply to this

       Wow. I like this answer. Thank you for sharing. I'm sorry I can't put more of what I'm thinking into words today - but thank you for this answer!

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       IDONOposted 11 years agoin reply to this

       You are welcome. This would make a great forum. I will follow. Want to read your hub when published.

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       Emanate Presenceposted 11 years agoin reply to this

       You wrote a wonderful answer, IDONO. It addresses far more than the subject of choice of sexual orientation, in a wise and human way.

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    kathleenkatposted 11 years ago

    I did not choose. I started having crushes on boys from a very young age, and thus was attracted to boys.
    
    I have this theory that people who think being gay is a choice, or sexuality is a choice, are really "straight" people that are closet gays in denial. They figure they chose not to be gay, yeah, they're not fooling me. I also suspect these are the men that treat women poorly, and the women who treat men poorly. They are in rage.

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       jlparkposted 11 years agoin reply to this

       Interesting take on things. I think it stirs up thought. Thank you for your answer.

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    jlparkposted 11 years ago

    SO - I've finished the hub.
    I left it for 2mths to ensure that those whom I had been triggered to ask the question by had a chance to answer - unfortunately, they appear to have not wished to elaborate or share their story in a place that they would not be considered homophobic or disrespectful.  If they wish to answer after this has been published - I will edit my hub accordingly.
    
    But here goes:
    http://jlpark.hubpages.com/hub/Choice-And-Sexuality

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