Does an open relationship encourage a longer time with a partner?

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   kimberlyslyricsposted 14 years ago

   With no fuss of affairs, security in knowing you love each other, it comes down to sex.  With or without your partner joining with other people.
   
   Just asking, do you think this could first enrich your sex life, and second, possibly lengthen the duration of your relationship?
   
   Clearly it is more common than not, and there must be thoughts surrounding it.  Would you consider such a scenario?
   
   Thanks
   
   

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      Greek Oneposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      That is the sweetest come on I have received in a long time.
      
      Thanks Kimberly, but I am a married man and my wife would be pissed at even the suggestion.
      
      

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         kimberlyslyricsposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         but you could ask, just in a fun way don't be slutty, we live so close, I could come by or u could swing by here [no puns meant there ]

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            Greek Oneposted 14 years agoin reply to this

            sigh.. I have but one penis to give, and it has already been handed over to my wife
            
            (She took my testicles without asking me, but that is another story)

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               prettydarkhorseposted 14 years agoin reply to this

               Hi Greek, did she gave you back your t? LOL

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                  Greek Oneposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                  Hi there
                  
                  Non, she made a lovely neckless out of them...
                  
                  I feel sorry for her though, having to carry all that jewelry around her neck.. must be bad on her back

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                     Mishaposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                     How many did you have?

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                        Greek Oneposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                        not enough to open up a pawn shop, but they put me through college
                        
                        

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      lady_love158posted 14 years agoin reply to this

      I don't believe it's as common as you think. People I know that had these so called open relationships didn't last as a couple and had all the same problems.
      
      What happens when your partner falls in love with someone else, or decides they like sex better with the person they're swinging with more than you?
      
      I suppose an open relationship can mean something other than swinging, it can be honest communication about wants and desires without judgement and not involve others. Now that's the kind of open relationship that will last and be rewarding for a long long time.

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         TamCorposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         Exactly! 

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      Brenda Durhamposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      No.
      And No.  It simply encourages adultery and lack of committment.

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      KFlippinposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Ah, No . . . and No . . . didn't this issue get resolved in the 60's ???

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         Pcunixposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         Nope.  Try a Google search for "swingers".  Try it with your own town tacked on. Try other towns  See how small a town you can choose before you do not find any.

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         kimberlyslyricsposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         what issue?

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      Anathposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Hi Kim, you know my answer, Yes it works.
      I would hate to be tied down in any other kind of relationship. A man has to understand that I am no one's property if he wants to be with me.
      
      I had my doubts at the start but now after 3 years and a few months I can say YES, it works towards a happy and fulfilling relationship.

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   IzzyMposted 14 years ago

   Two people in a loving relationship neither need nor want sex from an outside person or persons.
   However, if there is something wrong within the relationship, sex with an outside person may be welcomed.
   While this third or even fourth person in the relationship can spice things up for the original couple for while, in the long term the relationship is doomed.

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   SomewayOuttaHereposted 14 years ago

   personally? no - not my thing....I think someone would get hurt for sure....i'm sure some make it work somehow...i'm just not wired that way.  I can't offer anymore insight....not aware of anyone in an open relationship.  Am aware of people I know that just don't get involved with others however....so they stay single and do whatever they want....but no love is involved.

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   brianzenposted 14 years ago

   Tried it with the wrong girl, That ended badly in divorce. (would do it again if partner was mature enough emotionally.)

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   Daniel Carterposted 14 years ago

   I've known a few people who are in open relationships. The longest that I'm aware of is 11 years. However, that seems rather brief in comparison to a person's life.
   
   I don't have an opinion about it, except that I think as was pointed out that it takes very mature, secure, unjealous people to make it work. And the chances are extremely high that all of that will be tested when another person comes into the picture who becomes a "soul-mate" to one of the partners.
   
   I want to believe there are partners for life. I used to. But my experience is different. I think part of being secure with one's self is to know when you need to also let go of a relationship and move on, and do it with a bit of grace and maturity.

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   Mighty Momposted 14 years ago

   I LOVE what lady_love wrote. The only openness that counts in a relationship is honest communication.
   
   I don't believe it's a sign of emotional maturity to want to bring others into the relationship. It just messes the dynamic up. Inevitably, one partner will either gravitate to the third party or will have a problem with the arrangement. Heck, being in a relationship is hard enough with just 1 person!
   
   Having said that, there are cultures in which sexual "opennness" is allowed/encouraged. But it's not an open thing. It's a separation or compartmentalization. Home/wife/family are in this camp and mistress is in another camp. If it works for them, great. (Gotta say, tho, the wife should be allowed to have a lover also!)
   
   As someone who has worked hard to INTEGRATE my life (and you know exactly what I mean by that, Kim!) I think I'll stick with Hubby. I'm too old for that other s#%t.

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      Lisa HWposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Glad someone picked up on that little "re-defining" of the real meaning of the phrase, "emotional maturity".    Creating one's own definitions of terms like "emotional maturity" is pretty much, I think, a sign of emotional immaturity.

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         kimberlyslyricsposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         sorry but did i insinuate or trigger that lisa?  just want to know.  thanks

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   Sunny Robinsonposted 14 years ago

   It is quite common.
   
   You can have an open relationship and be loving with all partners involved.  If you dug around a little bit, especially as many are underground for social reasons, you will see a lot of people who are into open relationships and have lasted for more than two decades.
   
   I do not measure a success or length of relationships or even marriage.  Telling someone that polyamory or swinging failed because it didn't last very long is like telling someone that monogamy failed because it didn't last very long. 
   
   An example, if you will --
   Monogamous Scenario
   Let's say this relationship/marriage lasted a year.
   Woman 1: We broke up (or divorced)!
   Woman 2: What happened?
   Woman 1: It just didn't work out, I guess...
   Woman 2: Yeah, that happens.  I'm sorry, sweetie.  I'm sure you'll find another man to be with.
   
   Non-monogamous Scenario
   Let's say this is similar in length to the previous scenario.
   Woman 1: We broke up (or divorced)!
   Woman 2: All your partners?
   Woman 1: Yes...
   Woman 2: I told you, that would never last.  You should've listened to me.
   
   And it's true, monogamous relationships or marriages can have so much less duration than other types of relationships.  There is no actual measure.  It all depends on how partners handle the issues.
   
   I also enjoyed what Daniel Carter said.

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   luvpassionposted 14 years ago

   If sex for physical gratification is all you're interested in, then by all mens have this type of lifestyle.
   
   If a loving relationship between a couple then your only fooling yourself, forget it.
   
   Teri

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   calpol25posted 14 years ago

   It depends on you and your partner
   It has to be mutual and it has to be what you both want, (not one saying it to please other) and upon taking this path then there is no going back remember that.
   
   However im strictly monogamous when im with some one but I dont judge others Each to their own

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    Mishaposted 14 years ago

    Works for me Kim, for about a dozen years already. In fact it is in much better shape than what my previous closed relationship was at that age. But then I probably got a bit more mature since
    
    And no, I don't think love is about sex. It certainly is not.

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    rebekahELLEposted 14 years ago

    I guess it works for some. I know there sometimes are legitimate reasons that have been worked out between the couple. I can think of medical issues that have caused sexual relationships outside of marriage. also foreigners wishing to have dual citizenship.
    I personally don't think I could if I were in a committed relationship. It seems at some point either someone is going to get hurt or the relationship is already lacking something.
    
    but someone mentioned something earlier that I think is very true. some cultures are simply more open to these relationships.

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    Pcunixposted 14 years ago

    I think it's fine.   Perhaps a bit more dangerous (STD's) today than it was thirty years ago, but I see no moral issues if all parties are agreed.
    
    I know swingers who have been together a long, long time.  I know people who tested the waters and it didn't hurt their relationship.  I know people who did get hurt, but I know plenty of married people who got hurt and divorced too.
    
    People should not judge other folks sexual preference or activities.   It is as simple as that.
    
    Somebody told me last week that there is a group of active swingers here at our little retirement community.   He seemed a bit disgusted by the idea, not on a moral basis, but because most of the people here are overweight and of course have to be 55 or older.  He couldn't imagine why they would want to.   Shrug.. why wouldn't they?  Frankly, I would have been surprised if there were NOT such a group - the life style is much more common than most people realize.
    
    When we lived at clothing optional resorts, swinging invitations were very common.  It figures - if you are relaxed about nudity, you may be more relaxed about this.  The funny thing is that it is very frowned on - at most c.o. places you can get thrown out for even asking someone if they are interested.   Yet, it's very common.
    
    The funniest experience we ever had was at a dance.  At most c.o. places people dress for dances - maybe not very much dress, but they wear something.  Once in a while somebody will be totally nude though, and someone in that state approached my wife and me.  We turned him down politely.
    
    A few hours later, completely drunk and now slurring and swaying, he approached us again, obviously too drunk to remember our earlier refusal. 
    
    I thought "Oh, yeah!  Now that you are slobbering drunk, of COURSE we are interested!"  What a dope..  and running a big risk too, because he didn't know us from Adam; we could have had him thrown out permanently.
    
    But anyway..  nothing wrong if everyone involved is cool with it.  To each their own path.

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    DoorMattnomoreposted 14 years ago

    a longer time with partner. hmmmmm.
    
    Ive known all kinds of people with all kinds of relationships. What works for one will not work for another.
    
    For any relationship to work, you must have honesty, trust, and respect. If you have this,  I dont think open or not will change the longevity. Things live as long as they are alive.

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    Sunny Robinsonposted 14 years ago

    It doesn't have to be legitimate, either.   I mean, it's not about fixing relationships.  If a couple is having trouble with their own relationship, bringing someone else in is a BAD IDEA.  Many polyamorous folks will tell you this and warn you against it.  You must be stable with one before linking up with another.
    
    You know how many people believe in just ONE soulmate?  Sometimes, that's unhealthy.  The most unhealthy thing you can do is believe that the relationship is lacking something just because it isn't filling EVERY SINGLE VOID in your life.  There are so many other things in life to juggle, not just relationship.  I do not believe your soulmate should be responsible for filling every single hole in the fiber of your being -- that's a lotta responsibility to have, especially as your soulmate will have his/her own life.
    
    For the swingers, if they're just in it for sex and they enjoy each other (I know many swingers who love to have sex with each other and bring others into their marriage bed), they are monogamous to each other EMOTIONALLY.  Their rule is no ties with another partner, with a few casual exceptions like friendship.
    
    For the polyamorous, they believe that love is infinite even if time and resources aren't.  It's a lot like the logic that parents can love more than one of their children.  If that is possible, why is it not possible to be intimate with more than one adults?  Or more appropriately, what about having more than one friend?  Isn't that betraying the loyalty of that friend or don't you have enough room in your heart for more?
    
    It's not the SWINGING or being poly or being monogamous that screws relationships up.  It is the people involved.  We are so much into entitlement that believing we're not at fault because we rock at communication so much that it's the model that's faulty.  It's like an illiterate person saying, "It's all this book's fault that I can't read!"  Well, bad example, but you get my point.  An underlying premise of that example is, the person may say how much WORK it is to get to the point of literacy.  Working through jealousy is work, yes.  Working through butthurtedness and argument (human beings are naturally stubborn) is work, yes. 
    
    But for many involved, it's WORTH it.  Just like it's worth it for that illiterate person to at some point work through it all.  And it's never an end in sight.  It's all about continually improving oneself through challenges, only getting better and better through time.  For many poly and swingers, there are so many questions to sift through and so much self-exploration especially when moral issues are raised.
    
    Oh wow, I wrote a novel.  My apologies!

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       Pcunixposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       Ayup.  Screwed up people are screwed up people.
       
       Ler's say that in my family I might have two sisters.   Between all of us, there have been something like ten marriages.  What a horrible batting average: more than 33% divorced!
       
       Yet I have been married only once.  Forty four years ago this past July and planning on sticking with it.  So it's not me, it's them :-)
       
       Now sure, maybe they had some bad luck.  But when your luck is bad that many times, I think it is probably you.  That's what usually screws up relationships: not swinging, not playing golf, not money, not religion, not anything but the people themselves.

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    DoorMattnomoreposted 14 years ago

    "It's not the SWINGING or being poly or being monogamous that screws relationships up.  It is the people involved"
    
    well said sunny.

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    Greek Oneposted 14 years ago

    I got married because it was too complicated remembering all the names of the women I was trying to sleep with.
    
    If we had Blackberries and the accompanying software back then, it might have been different

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       Kyrianaposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       Greek,
       
       Should have used name tags or only hooked up with women named Susan.
       There is always the old standby of calling them all by the same pet name like Honey or Baby.  Ah well, somehow I think you are happy as to how it worked out for you.
       
       Looking forward to your hub about how Blackberries make it easier to be a playa

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          Greek Oneposted 14 years agoin reply to this

          You see, I liked to personalize my casual encounters (not enough to memorize my partners names, of course)
          
          Plus, 'honey' was way too affectionate and implies that I have feelings.. I stuck with "Hey you".
          
          Blackberries are a vital seduction tool..... especially the ones that vibrate

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       skyfireposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       ROFL

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    Ben Evansposted 14 years ago

    Having multiple partners puts sex ahead of the partnership.  I agree with lady love that open relationships are not common.  Cheating might be.
    
    I don't think that sex should be the most important part of the relationship.  That is just me.  I guess if sex is the most important thing for both partners then it would work.
    
    For me it wouldn't work.

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       Pcunixposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       Dancing with other people puts dancing ahead of the relationship.  Going bowling with other people puts bowling ahead of the relationship.  Playing poker with other people.. talking to other people.. eating with other people..
       
       Do you see how silly that sounds?
       
       That's how  you sound to me when you say that.
       
       Actually, for many it is likely the LEAST important part of their relationship.

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          luvpassionposted 14 years agoin reply to this

          So you equate these with sex, dancing, bowling playing poker?

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             Greek Oneposted 14 years agoin reply to this

             I could make a joke about 'pokering' her, or a foursome I once had that was like making love to a bowling ball...
             
             your choice

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                luvpassionposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                Perhaps it is the least important part of the relationship after they've been together for a long time, but most woman don't consider it less important at the onset...at least I didn't.

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                   Greek Oneposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                   are you hitting on me?

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                      luvpassionposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                      No sweetie.
                      
                      (((hugs)))

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                         Greek Oneposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                         damn!  I always get that one wrong! lol

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             Pcunixposted 14 years agoin reply to this

             Yes, I do.
             
             Keep in mind that I am 62 years old.  In my twenties I would have thought that was ridiculous. The old libido doesn't tug at me like it did then, and honestly, I am glad that it doesn't. My sister, seven years older, says the same thing: glad to be free from THAT demon. Most people in their sixties will say the same thing:  the fire isn't out, but there is a lot more room for other things.

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                luvpassionposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                I understand, it's important to remember that sex is something young women must take very serious. The danger, the emotional impact.
                
                It's an emotional experience that rivals all others.
                
                When a woman chooses to have sex with a man it's a profound decision that changes her life. It is important that she has someone to talk too someone she can open up too.
                
                I had my mother, others aren't so lucky. I suppose as one ages its less important, but to a young woman. or young man it shouldn't be trivialized.
                
                

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                   Pcunixposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                   Well, that's simply not true for ALL women or men.
                   
                   People are wired in different ways.   If that were not true, a lot of single men would be in a lot more hurry to get married

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                      luvpassionposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                      What does that mean? That makes no sense at all If it were not true a lot of single men would be in a lot more hurry to get married.
                      
                      You're assuming single men only get married to have sex? Absurd.

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                         Pcunixposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                         They would if they had no other options

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          Ben Evansposted 14 years agoin reply to this

          What you say sounds silly. 
          
          What are you talking about?  Dancing is a very ludicrous example.
          
          That is just one big rationalization and bait to get me into your straw man argument.
          
          Where do you get all this tangentialism?  Cant you make a direct comment or argument?
          
          Of course it puts ahead of the relation.
          
          I will tell you why.  That is because the only reason a person would have an open relationship would be for sex. 
          
          Does it sound silly still?  Probably still does but I don't care.

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             Pcunixposted 14 years agoin reply to this

             Yes.
             
             The only reason you would dance with someone other than your wife is for dancing?
             
             Just as silly.
             
             I am not trying to bait you.  I don't care about your prejudice.  I thought I might help you to see it, but I guess not.

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                Ben Evansposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                Pcunix that is attack number 2!
                
                Your first attack was a blindside and that was a bait.  Now I am prejudice. 
                
                My position was innocuous to yours.  I did not say anyone was wrong.  I was not judgmental.  I did not call anyone amoral or any other names.  I stated why I would not have a polygamous life style.  I said and I quote,
                
                "I don't think that sex should be the most important part of the relationship.  That is just me.  I guess if sex is the most important thing for both partners then it would work."
                
                Where is the prejudice?  You are making this assumption based on how you think I am........That my friend is prejudice and yes I don't care about your prejudice.
                
                I stated the obvious which was a secondary relationship is about sex.  Call it what you want.  Maybe it is living sexually vicariously through this secondary or tertiary relationship.  Maybe I don't know how it is to have other relationships to play darts together.   
                
                You are going through life playing a victim and making people bad ugly and wrong.  That is your problem not mine.  I do not care how you conduct your life I would not and did not judge you.  You seem to want to judge me because you have got a picture drawn of me in you head. 
                
                You can go around calling people names.  You can also go around and create arguments that weren't there.  I made a simple statement why I didn't have these relationships.   What I stated was obvious.
                
                You just added the twist.

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                   Pcunixposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                   I am NOT calling you names.
                   
                   Look up what "prejudice" means.  I'm not attacking you.  I was simply trying to get you to see more than what your prejudices have caused you to think.
                   
                   It's going to be a sad day at HubPages when you can't use words AS THEY WERE MEANT TO BE USED because someone doesn't know what they mean and thinks they have been insulted or attacked.
                   
                   Ben, I will NEVER reply to another thing you say.   Now go report me for using the word "prejudice" and we'll see how far you get.  Sheesh!

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                      Ben Evansposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                      Here is the thing.
                      
                      The part that makes me angry is the way you are using words and it most certainly is being used in derogatory context.
                      
                      Now I said I don't want to participate in multi-partner sex.
                      
                      You make this into a sensitivity issue.  I become a prejudice person in your mind because I say that secondary relationships are about sex.
                      
                      Your words are very negative and they contain your prejudice and intolerance.
                      
                      Yes you did attack me.  While you try to veil words in a very passive aggressive manner, you are calling people names.
                      
                      Until you leave your prejudices at the door, I wouldn't be going around calling other people prejudice.
                      
                      You know you tried to pull me into an argument that I didn't have.

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                      Ben Evansposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                      BTW
                      
                      Thank you for calling me stupid also. 
                      
                      I do know what prejudice means.  Do you?

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             Sunny Robinsonposted 14 years agoin reply to this

             Wow! You know, people have their own opinions and all, but let me just interject here....
             
             Ben Evans, first you say that Pcunix is making one big rationalization.  Please correct me if I'm wrong.
             
             Then, you go and make your own huge rationalization -- the ONLY reason for open relationship is sex.  WOWSA. 
             
             Let me look at sex here a minute.  Yep, the ONLY reason to have sex is to orgasm.  Does that make sex completely useless when I don't orgasm but I'm actually enjoying every minute of the experience? Well, shoot, that's gonna get me in trouble.  Oh no, sex is as varied as the word 'open relationship'.  Look at it closely.  'Relationship'.
             
             Now, people may not opt for emotional relationships and WILL go straight for the sex, no strings attached.  After a while, they get tired of that inevitably and start seeking something that has emotional gratification.  Believe it or not, people are looking for intimacy and couldn't care less if they don't have sex with their current partner for a long while until everyone involved are settled and feeling ready to get physical.

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                Ben Evansposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                Sorry but I cant understand what you are saying.
                
                I don't even see how orgasm and sex has anything to do with the argument.
                
                You did however hit the nail on the head.  An that is having multiple intimacies.  I stated this before.  Do it if you want.
                
                By the way here is the wikipedia definition of an open relationship:
                
                While "open relationship" is sometimes used as a synonym for "polyamory" or "polyamorous relationship", these terms are generally differentiated. The "open" in "open relationship" usually refers to the sexual aspect of a non-closed relationship..........
                
                Tell me where I rationalized.  That is pretty specific.  Maybe next time we can use your definition.
                
                You asked me to tell you if you are wrong.  You can determine it yourself.

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                   wychicposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                   Let me see if I can try to clarify here a little bit...I'll no doubt regret having jumped in, but here goes .
                   
                   I think a lot of people get hung up on the word "relationship" and see everyone involved as being in a relationship with everyone else involved. Of the swingers I know, the only REAL relationship is that between the married or indefinitely committed couple, but they don't put sex before everything in the relationship and therefore feel comfortable making it non-exclusive to the relationship. They're not in a relationship with other partners, and sex with those other partners is strictly about sex...while the relationship with their significant other is about all the emotional and personal ties that make up a real relationship.
                   
                   I'm sure there are people in these situations that this doesn't apply to (and those here in open relationships, please let me know if I'm way off-base from your experiences), but in the swinging relationships I know "polyamorous" does not apply, because the people involved are only in love with their significant others and do not tie sex with love. Sex is an activity done with friends, but still very far from the kind of connection one has with their significant other.
                   
                   A lot of people here are saying that an open relationship signifies people who make sex the most important thing in their relationship, and I'd have to argue that it's the exact opposite in many cases. Many of us in closed relationships would end the relationship because of infidelity, though most will admit that that's because of the lies and disrespect, and not because of the sex.
                   
                   We're raised (at least in the US and countries with similar cultures) to equate sex with love, so it's difficult to think of it in any other way...unless someone is unmarried and has no qualms about going out to a bar or singles club "to get laid." There are some who choose to put this cultural bias aside and make their marriage or committed relationship about something completely apart from sex...they probably will still have sex with their significant other, but that doesn't necessarily preclude just "getting laid" either. If neither person in the relationship have a problem with it, then having casual sex with other people is in no way putting sex in front of the relationship you have with your significant other...as Pcunix mentioned, the same way that going bowling with friends is in no way putting bowling ahead of the relationship.

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                      Ben Evansposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                      I have been to Asia many times and I have spent extended periods of time in the Philippines.  There are a lot of people especially in the more elite classes that have concubines.  There are also now some wealthy women that have "boy toys".  However, this is predominately a male activity and I know people in these situations.  It is far from open.....Yet everyone knows what is going on.  It also is not a happy situation.  I can tell you that it may be cultural and it maybe accepted but it certainly is not something that brings smiles to  either parties face.
                      
                      This is the majority of the world.  Even in some countries in Europe where it may be more acceptable, it is not an activity that is practiced by the majority of people.  Open relationships is not a cultural thing. 
                      
                      
                      This is the key.  Whether two people are tolerant of outside relationships or not, it is about sex.  It can also be widened to define intimacies.  I know many people who have multiple relationships and do go out and cheat.  Many people do this. It is common practice and it has gotten to the point where it is so blatant that the relationship is almost open anyway. 
                      
                      I know many people who have been in open relationships.  All of these relationships failed and there was extreme anger and they were very bitter.  Most of these people entered these relationships when they were young and idealistic.  I don't think it is therapeutic to a relationship.  It definitely is not good for a family.  I think many more mature people can do this and succeed.  This just is not my cup of tea.
                      
                      With all this said, there are people who will practice in open relationships.  There will be people who succeed in it. 
                      
                      An open relationship is about sex (or intimacy if we want be pc).  Calling it something else is just masking what it is.  If in a person's moral belief system it is not okay, then they shouldn't practice it.  I wont judge anyone who has multiple relationships but I certainly will not buy into it for myself. 
                      
                      ..........It is sex plain and simple.  We can further broaden the definition to equate sex to love but that is not really the point.
                      
                      My whole point is that I choose not to practice in multiple relationships.  For those who do, it is fine for them.
                      
                      For those who say it is great and want to broaden the definition to say that we as people are made to have multiple relationships, they can have it and I am fine with it.

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    wychicposted 14 years ago

    I know that an open relationship would NOT work at all with my own personality, but for the right people I believe that it can, and may very well help the relationship.
    
    I'll use for my example a couple of friends of mine. They've been married a relatively short amount of time -- six years -- but discussed possibilities for an open relationship from the start. They joined a swinging group together, where most of the couples were quite a bit older than them and many had been together 20-30 years. They always had to agree with each other on who they were swinging with, and he readily helped her find a girlfriend for them both to enjoy when there just wasn't anyone appealing in their group (I got the invite from them soon after my divorce, but was afraid that might be putting good friendships at risk).
    
    It's been several years now, and this particular couple is beginning to feel that the open relationship isn't everything it's cracked up to be. However, they both say they would not go back and do things differently...the other partners they've both had have made them reflect more on their feelings for each other, and their curiosity for the "other side of the fence" is well-sated. No one they've ever been with could compare with one another in their eyes. Now they're hitting the point that many 20-something couples start having some major issues, the point that people wonder if they settled down too soon or if they're missing out on something...and the only other couples I've seen that are so happy together were in the nursing home. Without having had the open relationship, this probably wouldn't have been possible, especially knowing the naturally curious nature of the people involved.
    
    In short, I think it takes very particular personality types to make an open relationship work, but that doesn't mean that it just can't work. Every person is unique, and a well-matched couple will know what they can do or need to do within a lasting relationship. People who are not well-matched won't make it, regardless of whether it's an open or closed relationship.
    
    I also agree that sex shouldn't be the most important thing in a relationship...and for some people that means that it shouldn't be important enough to go outside the marriage for, and in others it's not so important as to preclude open relationships.

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    klarawieckposted 14 years ago

    An open relationship encourages longer time with multiple partners!

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       luvpassionposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       Yes...a good friend of mine was led into this life style only to eventually find that one of the people she thought she was open with had changed his mind and decided he didn't like it.
       
       He shot her three times in front of her apartment.
       
       Think of this as you consider the benifits of these relationships.

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          klarawieckposted 14 years agoin reply to this

          MY GOD!

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          Pcunixposted 14 years agoin reply to this

          How many monogamous shootings, knifings, beatings occur every day?
          
          People are people.  Far too many track toward disgusting.

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             luvpassionposted 14 years agoin reply to this

             Yes so lets forget intimate relationships all together and just go all out.
             
             I'm talking about this particular incident and what brought it about...okay.
             
             name one instance in a monogamous relationship where a loving spouse killed the other out of jeolousy, why was he or she jeolous? Was it because the other was sleeping with someone else? usually the case.

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                Pcunixposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                Whatever floats your boat.  Some people do exactly that.  I am not recommending it, just telling you what I have seen over many decades.
                
                I like my lifestyle.  But I don't judge others.

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                   luvpassionposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                   Oh for sobbing out loud, do you tell your grand kids this crapola?

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                      Pcunixposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                      I don't have any grandchildren.  If I did, would it be better to lie to them?

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                         luvpassionposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                         It would be better if you didn't advise them at all if you're telling them sex isn't as important as poker.

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                            Pcunixposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                            It isn't to everyone.

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                Pcunixposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                People kill and maim for more reasios than jealousy.

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                Sunny Robinsonposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                Luvpassion --
                
                My mother was killed at the age of 2.  She never had sex with anyone else but the man who helped her make me and killed her.  They were monogamous.  He is the reason I'm deaf.  He told her if he couldn't have her, NOBODY could.  That is the screaming of a madman, I tell you, one that nobody will ever forget once they've heard it or have had the story told to them.  It echoes.
                
                Are you telling me that jealousy JUSTIFIES the murder? Are you telling me that jealousy justifies the fact that some people aren't equipped to handle life at all and will murder because of their own inner instability?  I hope not.

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                   klarawieckposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                   Sunny, your mother was killed at what age? Sorry to hear about her murder. It must be horrible to go through something like that.

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                      Sunny Robinsonposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                      Ahh, I lost her when I was 2.  She was 20.  My apologies.  I regretted typing that out as soon as I hit submit.  I don't like people using shock and tragedy to make a point, like a previous commenter was doing.  It never really makes a point.
                      
                      But whether monogamy or polyamory, jealousy, envy, cheating, etc -- never ever justifies a murder.  It really sucks when people play that card.
                      
                      PS. I just went back to that post in hopes I can delete that.  It kind of sucks you can only edit the most recent comments that has been posted within 5 minute frame.

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                         luvpassionposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                         I never said jelousy justifies murder...Please don't put words in my mouth. I said it is often the cause. I'm sorry about your mother, I know how it feels to lose a loved one.. I wasn't playing a card just illistrating a point of how Jelousy affects people. Your father said if he couldn't have your mother no one else could, this is an example also.
                         
                         
                         
                         Best wishes

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                         srwnsonposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                         I'm curious SR, do you believe an open relationship is better than a monogomose one because of the tragedy with your mother? I could understand if a person was put off by relationships in general because of fsuch a tragedy, but I don't understand how it could steer a person in the direction of swinging or open relationships. The truth is, I've been married three times, Being on the road is hard on famlies. I don't blame my profession for it. I simply hope that I will find one that works.

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                            Sunny Robinsonposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                            Nah.   Sure it is an example, Luv, of monogamy gone bad.  Just one of many!  Just like polygamy or polyamory can, you know? Intimacy has sooo many forms.
                            
                            Oh no, srwnson, there are so many great relationships out there of all kinds that involves thoughtful people.  I am in a happily monogamous one with my soon to be husband.
                            
                            I was a swinger for a little while, it just wasn't my style because I couldn't pick another partner.  I just wasn't sexually active or up to being emotionally intimate, even with my primary partner at the time.  I am much more comfortable one on one because that's how I do communication best.

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    prettydarkhorseposted 14 years ago

    WE all have a choice, but my choice is to be with the man I love, no open relationship, we can reinvent our sex life if ever.

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    Greek Oneposted 14 years ago

    Sure, 'open relationships' may allow people to stay in a relationship longer because it eliminates one of the factors causing split ups, ie infidelity or the unfulfilled desire to stray.  But that raises the question about the nature of the relationship in question...
    
    There is a reason people enter into monogamous relationships and why they often break up when one of the partner cheats.  In my own opinion, a monogamous relationship has far more value than one that is not.  The intimate physical and emotional ties of monogamy and exclusivity can't be duplicated if sexual favors are passed out like snow cones at a carnival.
    
    Speaking also as a pervert, I believe there are depths of sexual ecstasy that can only be reached when a powerful exclusive bond has been established (or when my beloved Toronto Maple Leafs win a hockey game.

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       Mishaposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       It does not have to be one OR another, you can have both snow cones AND exclusivity - just not at the same time

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          Greek Oneposted 14 years agoin reply to this

          ah yes, my 20s and 30s

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    Disturbiaposted 14 years ago

    This is all very interesting.  My first marriage was "open" if you want to call it that.  He was an older man who liked younger men (and girls too from time to time) and had no objections to sharing them with me. I wasn't into it then and I'm not into it now, but we had an understanding before we were married.
    
    I would have no problem in a relationship where my partner wanted relations outside of our relationship, just as long as I knew about it before hand.  It's the cheating and sneaking around that makes me sick. 
    
    I don't think having an open relationship encourages anything... it is what it is and just like any other relationship, when it's over, it's over... life is short and the ocean is full of fish.

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    Bill Manningposted 14 years ago

    Very interesting discussion here. I myself am very, very open minded. I've had many very,,,uh,,, not normal relationships, LOL!
    
    But an open relationship could also be the same as dating, right? I mean when your dating your looking around, being with different people.
    
    I guess it would be different if your actually living with the person. Then it's more like a relationship, yet seeing others.
    
    However as open minded as I am, I do think open relationships seldom last, and seldom last very long. Someone always gets hurt, feels like they are being left out and so on.
    
    In fact I think open relationships cause lots of very confused, hurt feelings in the end MOST of the time.
    
    However in some cultures it's the norm. Men in Saudi Arabia commonly have several wives, that's an open relationship. But I doubt the women really like it.
    
    If it works for you, great. But I think for the majority it just ends up hurting all involved.

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    amber24posted 13 years ago

    Hello I'm Amber i have a question for anyone opins i'm married woman and i meet this guy only on the internet and we are dateing as boyfriend girlfriend and he is married to but my question is
    1.)when i call him up he does not answer his phones or text me back and i was woundering why does he do this to me if he is so in love with me? we use to sleep on the phone togther but not no more he is allways telling me he is busy doing some think and when he calls me he is bicthing about how his roommates did not do this and that and when i talk to him he is like blowing me off like i am not there sometimes he leaves the phone siteing around his home and comes back and say sorry did not mean to do this to you and does everthink back over again does anyone know why though? we use to talk over 18 hours aday on the phone someone times we stay on the phone over 48 hours not no more i think it's wired and he is up to some think do you or anyone else thinks the same think or no?
    
    2.)i meet him on a chat site and he use to talk to me there and we use to put our cam's up in eacther our box's but he does not even do that any more can someone tell me why?ever time i'm in a chat room and some our man hits on me or flirts with me he gets all jealous over it and takes it out on me he keeps telling me i'm not out for the sex like most man are and he say i you can trust me i'll not do anythink to hurt you and him and his wife has a open married but with mine and my husband we do not though i real love this our man more then i do my own husband and we star dateing on Dec 3 but we meet on Dec1 of last year and i am so lost what to do and he will not let me get on any dateing sites with out him getting all jealous and when i get on them i am ONLY LOOKING FOR FRIENDS and he tells me bullshit you are looking for outher man and he has my pass to ever think i got and i got his to and we both live in different states alot of my friends keep telling me get read of him and get me another man in my life and do not put up with him i'm 24 and he is 47
    
    
    PLEASE ANY HELP THANK YOU
    
    
    TAKE CARE HOPE TO HERE BACK FROM SOMEONE SOON
    
    THANK YOU!
    AMBER!

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