When does it become cheating?

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   Walt Smithposted 12 years ago

   I have been talking to a lovely women online for a few weeks, nothing too racey, until recently. I E-mailed a pic of myself and now the conversations have gotten a little steamy. I am single...she is not, how far can you go when you are "online" before it becomes cheating?

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      lady_love158posted 12 years agoin reply to this

      If you have to ask... it's already cheating!

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         r-l-beanposted 12 years agoin reply to this

         I agree and will expand. Secrecy makes any act cheating, thus the term. If you were "playing fair", you could just say where you are going, what you are doing and who you are with.

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      Cagsilposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Steamy = Erotic = Cheating for anyone who isn't single.

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         Walt Smithposted 12 years agoin reply to this

         That's the way I feel. Thanks for the imput...W

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         Julie2posted 12 years agoin reply to this

         If the email content was even a bit racey it was already cheating for her and as soon as she accepted the pics and probably told you how she liked them and what she wanted to do! Cheating boobie! mmm hmm.

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            Walt Smithposted 12 years agoin reply to this

            Was that you? Sounds like you know a little too much about the whole situation Just kidding Julie2 that was a great insight and right on the nose. She slipped and said (typed) something which made me wonder. In her defense though she did tell me some truth, when I asked, I must give her kudos on that. I'm very easy going but that is just something I am not willing to do, and that was very nice compared to what SHE called me. Thanks for your insight and comment...W

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               arsenicandoldlaceposted 12 years agoin reply to this

               Hi Walt,
               I think she is the one cheating and I believe you should stay away from her. If she is unfaithful in small measures, than she is capable of a whole batch of unfaithfulness!
               
               Someone told me the other day that it is impossible to make friends with someone of the opposite sex in an online situation which is sad as I enjoy making friends. My problem is that I was continually running into men who wanted more. I still have faith that it is possible to have male friends, however, just maybe not through the internet! My daughter, (only 13) advised me to go find friends on St. George Street! "Just walk up to people and say hi!" That made me giggle. That is worse! I did find that the library is an interesting place, though, to meet people. Single men are always asking me to pick out movies for them. Once I made the mistake of suggesting a French Film. Something to do with bread and chocolate. What did I know? Don't do this! EVER! Later on I picked up the movie and looked at it and the back was riddled with pics of naked people. Now I can't get rid of this man! I now wear shades and a wig to the library!

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                  Walt Smithposted 12 years agoin reply to this

                  Thanks, that made me laugh out loud, seriously. I have never had a problem making friends, kind of the class clown, but I don't get out much anymore and truthfully  have not had a lot of luck when it comes to long term relationships. I am easy going and have never met someone that I ddn't think had some good in them...I am however wrong in this philosophy. Some folks just born with a big hole in the middle and can't seem to ever fill it and they are drawn to me for some odd reason. I thought the chat room thing was a good way to meet and greet without much at stake...Wrong again, or so it seems. I do want to thank you again for the kind words and belly laugh. Parlez vous Francais? Good luck and God bless...W

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                     arsenicandoldlaceposted 12 years agoin reply to this

                     Bonjour! Oui je parle francais? Pourquoi? Did you want to know WHY I was looking at steamy french movies and if so it was to listen to some French and not to see some steeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeem! You get enough of that just people watching on St. George Street!
                     
                     Wow, I guess some people are born with "a big hole in the middle"...and these people must be drawn to you because you have a warm smile! And I am glad YOU don't have a huge hole in the middle because I don't want all of the belly laughs I gave you to spill out! God Bless, J

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               Julie2posted 12 years agoin reply to this

               Walt it is very easy to fall into a situation like this whether you want to or not. Sometimes people may be lonely and find someone that gives them some kind of attention that they have not gotten from their spouse/partner in a long while.
               
               For ex:
               It can be as innocent as reading each others hubs and commenting on them through personal email. It makes you feel good to see that someone gets your crazy artistic side. Then you start to wonder what the person looks like and sounds like, then it turns to video chat and so on.

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      cpvrposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      It's cheating when you talk about kissing another girl, or doing things with her. Some say talking to another girl could be called cheating, or would you tell your girl about her?

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         Walt Smithposted 12 years agoin reply to this

         Never actually got to the "specifics' but I agree with you. I suppose these days "steamy" doesn't mean the same thing. Thanks for your advice...W

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      Vivian Gomezposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Put yourself in the shoes of the man with whom she's in a relationship. Say you manage to break them up and take his place. You don't think that she'll move on to the next best thing from the Internet once you become stale to her? How many actually single people are in this planet? How many people in open relationships? And yet so many find themselves in this "dilemma".
      
      How utterly sad.

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         Walt Smithposted 12 years agoin reply to this

         That was actually the first thing that crossed my mind when I found out. How would I feel if it were reversed...pretty foolish and definately hurt. Also I agree with your insight on the "dilemma" of these relationships. People as a whole are spoiled and run away from their problems, they have forgotten how good it feels to just look someone else in the eye and not feel ashamed. I try to be honest and forthcoming with everyone these days, sometimes it stings ...but I sleep like a baby...W

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      Mishaposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      It becomes cheating exactly when it becomes lying. By definition.

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      arsenicandoldlaceposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Anything is cheating if it involves an interest outside of a committed relationship. Put the shoe on the other foot and imagine how this would make you feel if your loved one was involved in a steamy online relationship!

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         Walt Smithposted 12 years agoin reply to this

         I agree. I would have been detroyed if it 'twer I on the  receiving end. Thanks for your comment it is greatly appreciated...W

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      noyon_kuposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      May be it's already cheating.

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         Walt Smithposted 12 years agoin reply to this

         For her I suppose it was. I suppose I am just not very happy that ,I having done nothing I feel is wrong, still feel guilty. "Mon Dieu" ...W

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      SMOMarketingWizposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      The best thing you should know about the misuses of online dating. Just do casual friendship with the woman & do not let her know about your own present situation. I think it would work for you.

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         Walt Smithposted 12 years agoin reply to this

         Would that not be me "flipping" the situation? Not telling the other about me is a slippery slope, and I'm wearing banana peel slippers. ...W

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      nell79posted 12 years agoin reply to this

      I've written an article about it. It's called: Having an Emotional Affair?
      
      Some people's perspective is that if it doesn't get physical, it's all just good fun and not cheating. However, many of these same people wouldn't want their significant others to know the context of their conversations.
      
      If it's something that has to be hidden from their significant other, it's cheating or at least on the road to it.

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         Walt Smithposted 12 years agoin reply to this

         That'a the selling point for me, if it has to be hidden. When she told me that  "he's never found out before" that was when I felt really Icky, if that is even a word. I can speak on more than enough topics, or at least I think I can , to entice someone else into a conversation.  I will not give up on it as a way to broaden my horizons. Thanks for the input, good luck and God bless...W

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            nell79posted 12 years agoin reply to this

            You sound like you'd hold your own just fine to me! Oh, and I don't know if icky is a word either, but I'm known to use it quite a bit! LOL
            
            Good luck to you

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       mtsi1098posted 12 years agoin reply to this

       It is said to be cheating when your thoughts betray you...that said, it all depends on what you are thinking when the situation surfaces

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       speedbirdposted 12 years agoin reply to this

       You are already cheating with a woman who is married..check out the singles..they are MANY dude

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   lrohnerposted 12 years ago

   Would you tell your significant other about the other woman? Would she be upset if she knew? Do you hide it from her? If you answered "yes" to any of those questions, then it's cheating.
   
   Cheating is less about what you're doing and more about how your actions would make your significant other feel.

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      Eaglekiwiposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Well said.
      
      It also sounds like the conscience light blinked on ,and thats when people make a good choice or a bad one.

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      WannaB Writerposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Right on. Also, if you have to ask, it's probably cheating.

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   SomewayOuttaHereposted 12 years ago

   ..yup...sounds like cheating....especially when the conversation is steaming up as you say.....

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   Bellamieposted 12 years ago

   If you are thinking about it you've already done it. Yep, she is definitely cheating.  You, as the single person, are tempting her to cheat!

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5. 61

   Walt Smithposted 12 years ago

   Well I see that most folk feel as I do. I was having a pleasant time just conversing with her thinking she was just another lost soul needing the comfort of friendship. The bombshell landed by mistake and hit me like a ton of bricks. She apparently has done this before, I told her that I was uncomfortable, to which she replied "he's never found out before". I am going to go with a lesson my grandather taught me years ago... "Never rub another man's rhubarb". Thanks for the insight and comments...W

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      Motown2Chitownposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Lovely way to put it, Walt.  I used to personally believe that a single person in a relationship with a "cheater" was doing nothing wrong, but experience changed my mind about that.  It is not only cheating but stealing.  You are stealing time and love that the "cheater" has promised to another.  And, anyone who tells you "he's never found out before" is obviously not giving YOU anything that's special or unique.  She's using you for something other than friendship or entertainment and when she's done, she'll tell someone new that "he's never found out before."  That's the sad reality of it.  End it with grace and be gentle because that sounds like the kind of person you are.  But end it for certain.

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   Hollandaposted 12 years ago

   Cheating comes from the intention and not the action per se.  If you are starting to form a mutual attraction with a person whilst you are in a relationship, YOU ARE CHEATING.  You are allowing that other person free space in your heart and your head, which you should save for your significant other.  When you get to the point where you are thinking about that other person and withholding affection from your partner, that means you are already in too deep. Cut ALL TIES with the other person, get out of the dangerous waters and return your energy to your partner.
   
   When you cheat, you are not only cheating your partner. You are cheating yourself.  And which is worse?

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   Hollandaposted 12 years ago

   In addition, the fact that you are single and she is not makes you no better than she is.  The previous poster who pointed out you are stealing, is damned right. Personally if I found out Max was talking like that to someone else on line, I would feel humiliated and so hurt whether he had actually slept with her or not. It is the intent and the secrecy that hurt. The lies.  The deceit.  The duplicity. That's what causes the pain.
   
   And believe me, he WILL find out if he hasn't already. You don't know what is going on behind closed doors.  For all you know he may already know, and be turning a blind eye to it.  ANYTHING could be happening here, and from my perspective none of the possible scenarios look good.
   
   Definitely extraciate yourself from this position sooner rather than later. xxx

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      Walt Smithposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      WOW! I was kinda feeling like this was an isolated thing, guess not. I am no longer in contact with this person. I, being the gentleman my folks raised me to be,  expressed to her gently that maybe she should sign up for some couples therapy.  I will be forever timid if ever the occasion should arrise again. The reason a fellow visits a chat room is still to meet and talk (typre) with others, I will however try my best to not become a cyber home-wrecker. Thanks for your honesty, I hope to hear from you all when i have future questions...W

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         Motown2Chitownposted 12 years agoin reply to this

         Walt, I had a similar experience to yours years ago.  And I came to the conclusion that you did.  I sensed from your original post that you were the type who could, and would bow out gracefully.  Well done.  Where I chat, the folks are generally respectful of a person's relationship status.  Good to know you're among that group of folks. 

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            Walt Smithposted 12 years agoin reply to this

            Thanks! I appreciate the kind words. I try not to judge, and believe that this was the end of it. I wish her well and hope she can work things out eventually. I'll leave it with another chestnut from my Grandfather... "Never pray for the ruination of another, it will surely end in your own ... W

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               Motown2Chitownposted 12 years agoin reply to this

               I think I like Gramps.    Sounds as though he was a wise, wise man. 

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   lorlie6posted 12 years ago

   It's all in the intent.

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   skellieposted 12 years ago

   As soon as you emailed that picture - it was cheating. You knew she was married and by emailing that photo, you became accepting of the situation. Possibly even before that, depending on how clean the conversations were. I mean this with the best of intentions but Self control, is a beautiful thing.
   
   Good luck with the whole situation. Cheers Skellie

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      Walt Smithposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      AS I SAID BEFORE...It was a slip of the (typing tongue), that gave it away that there was anyone else in the picture. It was not THAT heated, I mistyped I sippose when I wrote that. I had emailed the pic before I knew. (BEFORE)
      I was a perfect gentleman, my dear old Granny could have been setting beside me when we chatted. I have thus (as stated before) ended all ties with a southern gentleman's charm and style. If I had become accepting of the situation, I probably wouldn't have put it out there for the whole world to see. Thank you for your time and insight on this matter and Good Luck to you as well, God Bless...W

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         skellieposted 12 years agoin reply to this

         Hi Walt,   I was not trying to offend you mate - honestly. I get the impression you are.  I probably should have clarified and said; subconciously accepting until you woke up to it recently - as a true gentleman does!   I am sure you are a perfect gentleman and i would not dare to question it. I said "depending", as i was not clear on the facts.
         You are a single gentleman, who did not want to upset the lady in question but also wishes to do the right thing. It sounds like you ended the whole thing with perfect charm
         Good luck to you also and i hope the perfect lady walks in to your life soon.
         God Bless

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            Walt Smithposted 12 years agoin reply to this

            Truth be told I had just read a few comments that had drawn me as the "Snidely Whiplash" type full with the handlebar mustache and the lowest on the morality totem pole... I just re-read what  I had written and it does sound like I was being a complete a##, "mea culpa". I asked for opinions and I should be ready to hear them, if nothing else I have leaned a valuable lesson. When expressing your artistic side, it's ok if you spill a little paint. I was really just looking for someone to chat with, wasn't looking for that special lady. I could just find someone whom I find annoying and give her my house and cut out the middle man Thanks for taking the time to give me an honest opinion, good luck and God Bless...W

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    simonesaysposted 12 years ago

    remember YOU are the single one !! Nothing for your concious to feel guilty about unless ...
    
    You know her other half
    
    or
    
    Are not single

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       Walt Smithposted 12 years agoin reply to this

       Thanks,I don't feel guilty. I get the feeling a few others want me to...but I don't nonetheless...W

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    Eaglekiwiposted 12 years ago

    I think its commendable that your conscience at least is thinking of the 'other guy' or you would not have felt the need to post this seeking clarity .
    
    I also think you already know your own boundaries,far be it for us to re define them for you.

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       Walt Smithposted 12 years agoin reply to this

       Beautifully written, I had already made up my mind. I guess to be quite honest I WAS asking if someone would obsolve me of my "mea culpa". I hadn't really understood that until I started at the beginning of this and read all the way through. Truth is you never see yourself as others do and it is difficult to admit wrongs that you have bestowed on other people, I acted as I should have but was still feeling a little bad for the fellow. Once upon a time that could have been me. I had written a bit about looking everyone in the eye, that was the God's honest, but I suppose I had forgotten about the "Man in the Mirror". Retrospect is a b*$#h, and I think I think I almost married her. Thanks for the "retrospect" Eaglekiwi, you're a peach...W 

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          Eaglekiwiposted 12 years agoin reply to this

          Aww..thanks and youre welcome
          
          To your best life!

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    cat on a soapboxposted 12 years ago

    At some point most of us will be attracted to someone besides our spouse. It makes us feel good to flirt a little and boosts our confidence. If handled right, these attractions and fantasies can add excitement back into tired marriages. Here's the thing: when you find yourself thinking obsessively about someone else more than your mate, you've got a problem. If you find yourself going out of the way to cover up the interest, you need to clear the air.

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    stclairjackposted 12 years ago

    bet you wish this post would drop off the earth now? ha!
    
    way to go man, i read the whole string through to the end as of my reply, and i want to say kudos to you,....
    
    you knew the right thing, and did the right thing,... then you did the compleetly human thing of questioning it all,.. and in a 21st century world, you took it online to help answer the question.
    
    i found it refreshing that so many people still hold old school positions on the subject, rather than what pop culture would lead us to believe.
    
    one last gold star for how you handled this whole conversation,... some can be very quick to drop the judgement hammer,... at times it seems they didnt even bother to read the whole conversation befor blasting away,... well done.

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       Eaglekiwiposted 12 years agoin reply to this

       ( enjoyed your post,and so conversational) could ya see me nodding along.
       
       Btw ,welcome to Hubpages

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          SomewayOuttaHereposted 12 years agoin reply to this

          ...ha ha ha...ya me too!.....words of wisdom StCJ...how's that geetar?...and is the snow gone?...or are you snowed in again.

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             stclairjackposted 12 years agoin reply to this

             snow gone, thank god or alah,.. or the grand poobah,... what ever,... ding damn domg the snow is gone!
             
             march is here so my guitar has moved out to the garage, aka, the summer living room,...
             
             and i find it both hilarious and perplexing that the cheating questions number SOO HIGH after the beloved st valentines day,.... i'm also enjoying it in a devious way! ha!

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                SomewayOuttaHereposted 12 years agoin reply to this

                ha ha ha.....ya, now it's off to the lawyer's office......valentine's is over...chocolates are all gone and flowers are dead......summer's comin'.......i can't wait....

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                   Eaglekiwiposted 12 years agoin reply to this

                   You forgot Spring..
                   Spring into action

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                      SomewayOuttaHereposted 12 years agoin reply to this

                      ...i forgot on purpose...i'm looking forward to summer badly......

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                         stclairjackposted 12 years agoin reply to this

                         speaking of lawyers,.... i just paid for mine,... got the paper work signed on the 25th,.. and it should be final by the first of april,...
                         
                         picture a cranky woman(with poor spelling skills) doing her best william wallace,..... "FREEDOME!!!!!"
                         
                         bring on summer!

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                            SomewayOuttaHereposted 12 years agoin reply to this

                            ...oh no...sorry i brought up the topic...... about WW's Freedom roar....
                            
                            ...sumthin' like this.....you go girl!  ....roooooaaaaarrrrrrr! summer's here!...outta my way!
                            
                            

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                               Walt Smithposted 12 years agoin reply to this

                               When I wrote this queary, I didn't know that I was Going to "Peck a fite".

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    Shil1978posted 12 years ago

    I actually know of a woman who walked out on her husband and kids for a man she met online. People think they are doing something very "harmless" when they chat with strangers on the net, but chat with the same person consistently enough, and things keep progressing to levels you may never have originally intended them to go to.
    
    One needs to draw clear boundaries beforehand about what's acceptable and what is not when they venture online to chat with strangers - things like whether exchanging pictures is fine or indulging in steamy conversations is fine, etc.
    
    Without any kind of boundaries like that, you might just go with the flow and one thing would lead to another, and before you know it, you might end up doing stuff you never imagined and it could be far too late to regret about it all!!

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       Walt Smithposted 12 years agoin reply to this

       As I wrote above I could really have been that guy not that long ago. Was married to a wonderful woman (when we first met) that seemed to lose interest in all, not just me. I tried being patient, I tried being helpful and I tried being unseen, just doing the day to day without much fuss...NADA.
       I am 100% sure that if she would have been a little more computer savy I would have become that guy. The reason I say this is that when we finally split, she could not get enogh of me...she wants what she cant have, and that seems to bea problem that more and more are having. Thanks for the insight, good luck and God bless...W

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    nell79posted 12 years ago

    Ok, just read through the entire thread (something I should've done before commenting, I confess!) and it seems my fellow hubbers have done a fantastic job here! I'm so happy to be a part of this smart group!
    
    Oh, and W. you handled yourself well and put a stop to things before they got out of hand. Nothing at all to feel guilty of, IMO

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    Bellamieposted 12 years ago

    Your grandfather sounds like a smart person.

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       Walt Smithposted 12 years agoin reply to this

       Truthfully that is how I remember him, he passed away a while ago. I never really thought much on how he would see things until he passed away. It's funny how that seems to be the way of it, huh! Thanks for the input and good luck to ya...W

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          HattieMattieMaeposted 12 years agoin reply to this

          watching this online for the last three years on various sites, i can tell you that she is cheating, and if you know about it, you are just participating in it.  Fortunately you can have good friends on the internet, and even met my partner on here, but you also have to be a good judge of character, be honest and open, set boundaries, and have some morals and values.
          it's up to you what you choose to get involved with.

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