The other night a friend of my partner came over to visit, and he did something that really pissed me off. He's been coming over every week for around 16 years, and he has a habbit of stripping down to his boxer shorts and a t-shirt and getting drunk and high until he passes out. Well, lately he has been doing something even more annoying.
It's bad enough that he still gets drunk and high, as I do not do either, and, now he seems to want to take off all his clothes and walk around our apartment totally naked. He keeps telling me that he is just getting ready to jump in the shower, only 2 hours later he is still in the living room naked.
I finally told him to put some fucking clothes on. Of course that lead to the "I'm never coming here again talk." And, sends my partner into panic because he doesn't want his "friend" to leave the house when he's drunk.
I have tried to put my foot down, but, it only stops him from being a total dick for a short time. Then he is right back at again a few weeks later. That and he chain-smokes the entire time he is in our apartment, while I have two immediate family members who have cancer.
He drives me nuts, sometimes I just want to pull a Stewie griffin and leave him out on the curb in a trash bag, with a note saying why he decided to end it all! That always makes me laugh. Seriously, I'm not that evil!
There is darkness, negativity, that is surfacing from the man's sub-conscious. If you are happily married, he is drawn to your situation by the "heat" that is exuded by emotions which are more extant than anyone realizes. Ban the person from your house, especially if you have children. There is more than meets the eye here. Take my word at all I said, or you could regret it. Seriously.
So why does your partner want this guy around? Does he find the free show provocative or funny or what?
I can tell just from what you've said this guy is an alcoholic/addict. Which explains the totally self-centered, selfish, drama queen behavior. (Yeah RIGHT he's never coming over again -- until next week:-)!
And you, my dear, are enabling him by allowing him to do this in your house.
My question is, what is your threshold?
If he came over every week and just got drunk and high but kept his clothes on, would that be acceptable?
Or do you want him to stop coming over altogether?
Do you call him a cab when he gets that way or does he actually take a shower at your house and pass out or what???
Sorry to ask so many questions.
I've seen all of this before -- with the exception of the exhibitionist free show. Does the guy at least have a nice bod ???
In answer to your questions. If we called him a cab, he would just use it to go to the bar. And, then he would call us to come and pick him up when he gets thrown out for being too drunk to serve.
He does eventually take a shower, but, usually takes his sweet time getting there. And, yes he usually passes out on the couch. And, I can't tell you how hard it is waiting for him to do that....so I can get some fresh air!
My problem is that I am too nice. He's my partners friend, and if I treat him bad, it upsets my partner, which makes me more upset. So, I would say that it would take a lot for me to totally loose it. And, yes, I think if he were fully dressed it would make a huge difference.
And, looking at his naked body is like cryptonite to me. I want to just curl up in a ball and die. But, I can't stand looking at him when he has clothes on either, but, that is the lesser of two evils.
And, yes. I wish he wouldn't come over at all. he's very annoying.
If you agree to let your partner invite the creep - then you are the one who has to put your foot down and insist that you don't want him there. And although I've participated here and in other threads you've started - I really don't think this one is very appropriate here. Do you? I mean who on HP can really help you deal with this creepy dude? If you can't talk it over with your partner and both insist that he stay away if he can't behave, then - wtf? Why would you even want to know someone who inflicts his addictions and alcoholism on you and your home? why would your partner? ridiculous really! You two have to be able to control what goes on in your own home - bottom line.
I agree with your point. I guess I did this so that I could hear someone tell me what I already know. And, thanks for putting up with me.
By the way, there are a lot more inappropriate posts than this. Like a post Ii read somewhere about what men think about women's boobs. So, I guess it depends on what you feel is inappropriate. The boob thing would be a post that I wouldn't even answer.
Thanks for your reply.
Yes - you're right there are some posts way worse than this one! I like you and your openness, and that's why I answered here. I feel bad for you and your partner that you're being used by this creepy guy and can't seem to do anything about it. Can't you have a talk in the morning while the memory is still fresh? Just ask your partner why he wants to have a friendship with the nude guy - and what he gets out of it? Is it a power struggle with you and your partner? I mean you really don't have to accept all your partner's friends just because he likes them when they are basically behaving in ways neither you or your partner behave - right? Can you ask him to see his friend somewhere else and not invite him to your home because you really dislike the chain smoking, the nudity, the excess in every way and it is not good for either of you to hang with someone like that? I mean, you oughta be able to talk it over and figure out what to do. I definitely wouldn't answer his drunken calls late at night - he'll go bother someone else and leave you alone then. maybe. I feel sorry for you, I remember putting up with some of my husband's creepy friends but that's no problem any more . . .
I have had almost similar circumstances, and really, you hold every answer. It all depends on much you are willing to put up with. If it were me, I would not care if he ever came over again or not, and someone (his friend) can give his drunk ass a ride home. There must be some reason you don't put an end to it.
For what it is worth I can see why you have come here for advice, or at least for vindication that what you are feeling is not unreasonable or wrong.
My advice would be to write down how this behaviour and this person (and their actions) makes you feel, then give this to your partner and ask them to see things from your point of view, before leaving them alone for a while to read your 'letter'. The beauty of giving things to people in writing is that they cannot interrupt you, they cannot dispute 'what you said' and they have time to digest what you are thinking and feeling, plus they can re-read what you have said a number of times.
Hopefully after this you can talk to your partner again and come to an agreement as to what is mutually acceptable and that will show a mutual respect for each other's needs. If your partner will still not give any ground, then perhaps you are with the wrong partner!
Man, that guy's got you and your partner wrapped.
I'm not hearing a whole lot (or anything, really) that this guy offers as a friend. But maybe when he's sober they have a different relationship.
As for the nights he comes over, you (and your partner)can set boundaries, you know! For example, who in this day and age allows smoking in their house if they don't smoke? Yuck! Do you have a balcony? Does he get to smoke in the bar? Probably not (don't know where you live).
You can also insist that he keep his clothes on in your house. It's your house and you can change the rules anytime:-).
I know none of this is my business, but you did ask.
I do get concerned when I hear about someone who is repeatedly kicked out of bars for being too drunk to serve. That signals a pretty severe drinking problem.
So really, you're pussyfooting around the main issue, which is not going to change. And until he is willing to do something about that little (not so little) problem, he's gonna continue acting like an alcoholic!
Final suggestion. Maybe YOU should go out the nights this guy comes over and let him have his visit time with your partner.
I really would do that. If I had a place to go, I would certainly go there. I know that nothing is going to change at home. Maybe I could ask my brother if I could crash at his place a couple nights out of the week. But, I'm not sure if he would want me there.
Another thing I could do is go and stay at the local bath-house. That would really get their attention. My partners friend is a complete germaphobe. I could pretend that I stayed there and tell him that I caught crabs. It wouldn't be true, but, I'm sure that would scare him away.
First off, you need to have a serious heart to heart with your partner. Enabling this friend is not doing anybody any favors - but, at the same time, your partner is getting something out of it. Your partner needs to face that fact, determine what it is, and find a more appropriate way to get the needs met. And, while your partner is doing this, you need to do the same - because you are also getting something out of this arrangement.
This wont be an easy task, but it is quite necessary in order for both of you to put an end to this self-destructive behavior - the sooner the better.
well...you know it's a problem that's for sure....it's your partner's buddy from years gone by....i'm sure he was a different person at one time and now has become an idjut with a big problem...and maybe your partner doesn't quite know how to severe the tie with something/someone who used to be....try turning the tables and go to his place once a week rather than him coming to you...then you can leave when you want and if your partner doesn't want to leave...you leave and get some peace...and let your partner start to get a real feel for who he has become, but on his own...change the routine....and slowly move him out of your life....your partner is hangin' on to the shell of the person he may have been?...sometimes that happens. just a thought.
I recall having a problem like that - not that extreme however...but an idjut all the same...old friend of the ex that i couldn't stand etc etc and finally the ex let go, but on his own....16 years OMG! poor you!
Nope I have known his friend for 20 years, and he has not changed one bit. He's actually better than he was, because he can no longer afford his pot like he used to. The only man I know who can drink a whole 5th of Vodka in one night, and then drink about 3 or 4 shots of rootbeer snopps too.
Telling him he's an alcholic is like telling him you know the easter bunny, and santa claus personally. Because he will never believe it.
You could call me over Brian and I could deal with him. It would not be the first time I have had to deal with a naked man. After all what are nurses for?
Good luck Brian in getting this guy "off your hands"....Tough love seems def the way to go, I hope your partner uses his thinking cap too.
Hmm. There's nothing worse than having a naked, high, drunk, smoking, guy around the house. (Sorry for the humor, but that guy wouldn't be around my house for a ten minutes!)
I think I'd go with telling your partner, "Either you tell this guy, or I'm going to tell, that we're not having drunk, high, smoking, and/or naked here."
I think whoever tells him ought to tell him when he's sober that you just find it objectionable. Let your partner tell him he likes him and cares about him, and doesn't want to hurt him; but he'll be visiting him outside from now on. I have all kinds of friends that I see outside my house (out of convenience or the preference for, say, restaurant food). It's entirely possible to have a friendship without having someone over. If you have to, tell the guy you've got family with cancer and "can't deal with having guests over these days".
And the reason that you can't, as an adult in full control of his faculties, say something about how this behavior is unacceptable to this person and/or your partner is... why?
Unfortunately, in order for the situation to change, you have to make a decision to want it to be different.
The effects of a decision stay in place until we make a different decision.
You can make a small shift to something that feels better or more acceptable for you. If you don't like the result of that, make a different decision.
On some level, you and your partner are getting something from the relationship. Until you decide that the relationship no longer serves that purpose for you, you probably won't change it.
I would think the guy knows he's causing problems and keeps doing it anyway. Totally disrespectful! Misery loves company and sounds like he's succeeding. I think it's kind of disgusting that he is naked and sitting on your furniture. If he needs a shower, he does not need to be sitting or even standing around. Tell him clothes only come off in the bathroom and clean clothes then go on before he leaves the bathroom. It's totally unacceptable and he's doing it on purpose to keep starting trouble. He knows you hate it. Kick him to the curb because you are not helping him or yourself letting him get away with something so absurd. I hope everything works out. Convince your partner that you are hurting him in the long run if you don't stop this friend of his now. Sounds like this guy needs to hit rock bottom and fast!
First I have to ask ? Thid guy is your friend?......Thats it , you learn in life to pick and chose who you hang with , If you don't .....you will always have people like this around , point; friends care about how they affect others .
Brimancandy, does your partner live with you? Or is it your place? If the former, then all you can really do is say how much this "friend's" behaviour upsets you (I like Misty's idea of writing a letter) and put the ball in your partner's court. If your partner then refuses to tell this friend to clean up his act, you then have to make a decision: do you put up with it, or tell your partner that this friend can't come over any more?
If it's *your* place, then just refuse to have this muppet in your home! Life's too short to put up with selfish gits like this - you don't have responsibility for his safety; maybe he can take responsibility for himself for a change. And if he finds he has to phone his own taxi from the bar in future, then it might provide an incentive for him to stay sober enough to do so.
Brimancandy, It appears to me that your partner doesn't have much respect for your dignity or feelings. What kind of moral codes were these two brought up with?
You could tell that partner of yours, that the next time he comes over and makes a spectacle of himself, reeking of tobacco and booze and parading around naked, that you intend to call the police to have him taken away. You must let your partner know that you will no longer be a caretaker for this inconsiderate slob! Why should you have to allow him to soil your bathroom, stink up your home or use you for his hotel and taxi service? What nonsense. I don't know of any man that would allow another man to be naked in front of his girlfriend They are both sick!
Your partner will have to make a decision. He will either put a stop to this nonsense, or the man will be arrested and put into some kind of treatment center.
How in the world did you ever let this get started in the first place? Does this man hold something over your partners head that he threatens to reveal? There must be some reason for your partner to put up with this kind of behavior.
Maybe it's time to question your partner on his inactions.
Thanks for all your support.
We were watching a movie today, and one of the guys was a drunken idiot. They tried kicking him out of the house 3 times, and someone kept letting him come back. Well, finally there were a couple of assaults acted out by this drunk, and the head of the household decided to call the cops.
Well, the individual fled as fast as he could, because he apparently was wanted by the cops, and didn't want to go to jail.
I looked at my partner and said...gee does that remind you of anyone you might know? He just looked at me and nodded, but didn't say anything. So, he knows how I feel.
I could tell you other stories that would really make you mad, but, I don't want to sound like a broken record. But, I am certainly taking all your suggestions seriously. Thanks.
Relationships are strange animals ain't they ! you could take tips from 'A Fish Called Wanda' on how to get rid of him, but even damaged people need places to be and it sounds like your place is a bit of a refuge for this guy. I would agree with some of hte posts here that suggest getting out more and doing your own thing more, especially when this guy is coming over. You being there is part of the 'scene' where he is showing off and he feeding on (or getting 'off' from) your dissaproval.
What kind of germophobe can he be if he's smoking grits?
That's as wack as anything else.
If your partner is engaged with this intruder (and it sounds like that is the case) he likely will not back you up 100%. So maybe take it in baby steps. Start with "No more smoking cigarettes in our house." And "Clothes will be worn here -- no excuses."
See how that goes over and slowly impose more rules till your house becomes no fun to be in.
I call this "harm reduction" -- he will still be a drunken idjut, but at least he'll be clothed and won't be subjecting you to second-hand smoke.
I do kinda like the fake crabs story tho! tee hee!
You deserve the respect of your partner, and this is about as far from respect as one can get. Stop getting walked on and provide yourself with a safe, smoke free, naked weird guy free, annoying drunk guy free, etc., home environment!
If you leave when the rude unacceptable friend comes over, your partner is sure to get the point,...but you must be certain your partner is going to be safe with this guy, friend or no friend.
I sure hope this works out for you.
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