How Can I Deal With Former Snobs Friending Me on Facebook?

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   dawei888posted 15 years ago

   This question has been stirring in my mind for a while so I thought I'd ask it here: How should I deal with people from my past who were complete snobs and excluded me back then coming back today and trying to "Friend" me on Facebook. These are individuals from junior high, high school and adulthood who consciously excluded me in the past and are coming back now as if we were best friends all along. In my hub about happiness I mentioned the importance of not carrying grudges and I should apply it here. But, I just don't like the idea of friending people who have been total snobs in the past.
   
   So, here's my question: How would you deal with somebody trying to friend you on Facebook who was a total snob to you in the past? Thanks, dawei888

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      ralwusposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      Well friend, you are now an adult as well as they are. Maybe they have matured and have decided to make amends somehow. I went through some of what you are saying and I became friends many years later with a few of them. Let go of those old childhood grudges and you may find a true friend amongst them.

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      kmackey32posted 15 years agoin reply to this

      I would ignore them all. I had to deal with that in school. I looked alot different, had brown curly hair and glasses. :-)
      Now the snobby ones are all large and ugly. Its sooo funny to think they thought they were all that! Can I be your friend?

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      Davinagirl3posted 15 years agoin reply to this

      Now is the time for karma to step in.  With the click of a button, you can get years worth of retribution.

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   pgrundyposted 15 years ago

   I don't have an answer, but it would make a hilarious hub if you wanted to write one. I joined Facebook because every article I ever read about promoting your internet writing said to do it because it would help. I don't think it really does, but it is true that all kinds of people I haven't thought about in decades have found me there. I even got an email from a guy who started a Facebook group about our grade school class and posted class photos from 3rd and 4th grade. I'm 56, so that was wild.
   
   I did have some of the feelings you mention but my curiosity won out in the end. It's not like I've become friends with these people--I just said, "oh yeah, hi" looked at their then and now photos and let it go.

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   Eric Graudinsposted 15 years ago

   You could create a group that has minimal access to your info, and put them into that group. That's where
   I put people who I don't know.
   
   So they become friends,  but they don't get to find out anything about you, or get to participate in your discussions.
   
   Or just decline their requests. You don't have to become friends with people you don't want to. And it's nothing to do about holding a grudge. You can make a conscious, empowering decision that you don't want people of that type in your life.
   Cheers, Eric G.
   
   @Pam: I'll look for you on facebook :-)

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   sixtyorsoposted 15 years ago

   ignore them!

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      Uninvited Writerposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      Agreed

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   pgrundyposted 15 years ago

   Eric, look me up. You can totally be my FB friend. And I promise not to send you any of those stupid little pretend plants, or animals, or candy bars or anything.

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      Eric Graudinsposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      Good! Nice avatar BTW. (If I've picked the right person - but I think it is, because lots of other hubbers were friends too)

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         pgrundyposted 15 years agoin reply to this

         Yeah that's me!
         
         I love old monster movies.

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   thranaxposted 15 years ago

   People do the same to me but I just accept them. If you don't want them to know anything much about you just limit a list and add them to it. I do that with people I don't know but friend for the games etc. Some, after Facebook talking with them I added to a full list. Always remember, even people who hated you can change with time, some deserve the chance.
   
   ~thranax~

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   dawei888posted 15 years ago

   Hi Guys - Thanks very much for your input here. To the people who i don't know who posted - i'll go check out your HP profiles now!
   I'm kind of caught in the middle on my own 'should i friend them or not debate'. really do appreciate your feedback though! dawei888

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   Pete Maidaposted 15 years ago

   You can refuse their offer and be done with it.  If you want more you can accept their offer and take any chance you can to remind them of their treatment of you.  You may be surprised and end up with some apologies.

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   Leta Sposted 15 years ago

   I have not completed a profile beyond very obtuse user names, 'lsoren' or something, or very basic info. on Twitter and Facebook and I have people from high school, etc. 'friending' or following me.  I think it's weird.  They must be extremely bored or not have enough to do?

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      tksenseiposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      Yeah, really.

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    Uninvited Writerposted 15 years ago

    I'm only interested in friending real friends from high school and college, online friends, and family.

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       tksenseiposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       Wouldn't it be nice to maybe become friends with folks from your past that you weren't friends with before? Just something to consider.

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    mugshotposted 15 years ago

    Ignore them. I was on FB for such a long time and took the decision to come off there this year (my wife is still on there).
    
    What bothered me is that not only were snobs of the past wanting to friend me but when you accept they dont even send a message...even after you message them. I call this Facebook stalking! No messages just lurking in the background checking up on people, HOW RUDE!

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    yoshi97posted 15 years ago

    I always like to sprinkle in the 'deep thinker' answers from time to time ...
    
    Perhaps snobbery was your impression and not theirs. Granted, from your account they snubbed you, but perhaps in their minds you weren't high on the social ladder at the time (high school is all about cliques), but as they grew older and learned more of the world they realized the importance of people like you as they watched their clique dissolve around them.
    
    You have every right to ignore these people, returning the snub from the past. However, if it bothered you when they snubbed you, doing so in return does little to mend the frustrations from earlier in your life.
    
    Who knows ... maybe one or two of them have matured to a point where they could be a good, close friend.
    
    
    As for myself, I was treated as a troll in school, but after I graduated I befriended many of the people who had wronged me. Many said 'Aw man, I can't believe I treated you like that in high school' or 'I wish we could have been friends back then. but the gang I hung out with would have looked down on me'. I still carry those friendships, and many of them I still value today.
    
    As it costs you nothing to accept a friendship I say accept them. If they turn out to be the same people in character you can always de-friend them and feel right for doing so. My bet is you will find at least one of them has changed and it will move onto a new friendship ....

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       tksenseiposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       Good post and good points. Unfortunately, some people never grow out of that 'clique' mentality no matter how old they get. In fact, for some it just gets worse with age, which is sad.

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       Davinagirl3posted 15 years agoin reply to this

       There is a chance you are right, but as written earlier, they might just want to keep tabs on you.  If you weren't friends with them then, just ignore the request, or deny it.  It happens everyday.

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    dawei888posted 15 years ago

    dear all - i'm very glad i posted this as i've learned a lot from your responses. there seem to be two camps a) befriend the snobs and start afresh and b) the heck with 'em - they were snobs then so why be 'friend' now?
    
    i think the way to go is to simply point out to them, "hey, u totally blew me off before" and see if they apologize or not.
    
    what do you think of asking them in a direct fashion like this?
    
    thanks,
    dawei888

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       tksenseiposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       Unless you (the general 'you') graduated from high school a few months ago, carrying around hurt from childhood social interactions is kind of pathetic (except for extreme cases). Let it go and interact with these people like adults.

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       Leta Sposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       An odd thing happened when high school class reunion time came around.  They sent photos....bad PR, lol.  It was just the same people (many hadn't moved from the hometown) doing the same things, only some were much fatter and were not wearing the cheer leading outfits anymore.  (Though I bet they wish they still were, lol.)  I say ignore them.
       
       I mean really, who has time?  I've only ever had time for real family and real friends.

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          tksenseiposted 15 years agoin reply to this

          1)  Is there something wrong with them not moving from their hometown?
          
          
          2)  Why say "I bet they wish they still were, lol" in a mean spirited way like that? Isn't that exactly the kind of juvenile attitude people are supposed to grow out of?
          
          3)  Why "ignore them"? You might be missing out on a good friendship just because you (not they) can't get past childish hurts from long ago.

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             Leta Sposted 15 years agoin reply to this

             I think you are now doing some kind of reverse-segued politically correct schtick, there TK...  And I have a right to my life choices and friendships, .  Why does my take on the matter bother YOU so much?
             
             Yeah, actually, not moving from a small burb in NE shows a lack of curiosity in the world, which I personally find sort of essential in a friend and always did...but that is just me.  Cheer leading and wearing those short skirts...and then sending photos in similar outfits but...a bit not in good taste at this point...also indicates they are not the type of women I am usually friends with.  I mean FRIENDS, not casual, boring, 'I wish ya all well, you have a good day,' acquaintances.
             
             I have never had the time.  Again, that's just me.
             
             My quota for your 'teaching' me something is now at the end for the day, thanks so much.

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                tksenseiposted 15 years agoin reply to this

                Just asking. You know, 'discussion' forum?

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                tksenseiposted 15 years agoin reply to this

                Don't take it personally, but that is not a fair or logical POV.
                
                I believe this thread was about "snobs"?

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                   Leta Sposted 15 years agoin reply to this

                   A personal choice, .  A preference.  lol  But we do see how you feel about yourself (as if I didn't know).
                   
                   To each his own.  Done now, TK...you be happy with your life and choices.  If not, you can logically make some changes.

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                      tksenseiposted 15 years agoin reply to this

                      ???
                      
                      What is it you "see"?

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                tksenseiposted 15 years agoin reply to this

                Did you resent cheerleaders when you were actually in high school?

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                   Leta Sposted 15 years agoin reply to this

                   You have the choice to go objectify your wife, .  Or watch some porn.

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                      tksenseiposted 15 years agoin reply to this

                      I'd appreciate it if you didn't bring up any members of my family during your attempts at insulting me. Thank you in advance for your cooperation.
                      
                      
                      
                      
                      
                      
                      Now then, can I take it that you believe cheerleading inherently represents an objectification of women? You didn't directly answer my question so I'll have to ask for clarification.

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    dawei888posted 15 years ago

    left this out - for now i'm leaning in the direction of mugshot and kmackey32 - write off the snobs from the past unless they step up to the plate and say sorry.
    
    my experience has been that they do NOT do this and friend me just to see my profile and friends list.
    
    dawei888

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    Lisa HWposted 15 years ago

    You could give them the benefit of the doubt in assuming they have grown up and are now seeing you in a more grown-up way.  Sometimes we see the people we once went to school with as a kind of "club" (while, when we were in school, we all had our little groups of friends).  People develop better social skills and outgrow a lot of that more juvenile stuff once the "heirarchy" of high school is done.

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       tksenseiposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       Good post.

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    manlypoetrymanposted 15 years ago

    That's a dang good answer from ralwus...I'm going to use his advice myself in dealing with some of the same issues on Facebook as dawei888 has mentioned. I also agree with pgrundy..it would make for a good hub!?
    
    Hey ralwus...What's on the grill...is this a metaphor...or are you inviting everyone over for bar bq?

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    yoshi97posted 15 years ago

    My take (after reading more responses) is to let them know how the snubbery hurt years ago and to let them know (nicely) that you are willing to be friends but you aren't open to another round of being treated the same way.
    
    If you make one new friend out of all this, then you're life is enriched tenfold. If not, then you are no worse off then you were before and you might be a tad bit better ... knowing you let these people know how it bothered you when they snubbed you all those year ago.

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    dawei888posted 15 years ago

    WOW! Thanks everybody for your replies. i had no idea i'd spark off such a debate. there were are two camps. for now i'm basically with yoshi: point it out to the other person that the way they treated me in the past was hurtful and see if they can muster up an apology or not. if not that's a bad sign. if yes - excellent - it may be the beginning of a new friendship.

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    fortunerepposted 15 years ago

    Having friends on facebook is the popular thing to do, while back in high school it was popular to be freinds with the popular or jocks. it is almost like the one who dies with the most fans on HP and friends on facebook wins.
    dori

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    sbeakrposted 15 years ago

    eGads, this is a waxy topic!  i'm new to hub and no stranger to facebook, which i like better to refer to as bookface.  we humans spend so much time with our noses in these screens...
    
    that said, my way of dealing with this curious issue is to allow 'friends' with almost anyone who requests it (unless i see a potential cataclysm of lifestyle dissimilarities).  an undetermined amount of time later, i just delete them from my friends list.  most of them don't bother to try again because they weren't really paying attention to me in the first place.
    
    i even do that to folks who weren't necessarily snobs, but that i never actually knew well.  let the curiosity cat be satisfied and the rest of us eat cake.
    
    cheers!

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       dawei888posted 15 years agoin reply to this

       hello and welcome to hubpages! interesting first post! hey, are u on my facebook list?

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          sbeakrposted 15 years agoin reply to this

          well, no, i guess not...i suppose i could be??

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             dawei888posted 15 years agoin reply to this

             hi sbeakr - just kidding ;-)

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    pgrundyposted 15 years ago

    I know what you mean Lita. I didn't take it was snobbish at all what you said. I got the same sense at the high school reunion invites I got. High school was NOT the high point of my life--it was pretty miserable. Things have only gotten better for me year by year. But for some people high school really was the high point of their lives. That is kind of sad.
    
    When you are in high school it's easy to be envious, but then when you get older you look at that and think, whoa. So sad.
    
    I have run into people later though from the 'popular' group who expressed lots of nice things to me they felt not free to say in high school, so I think sometimes people think better of us than we know. They may act like they don't like us when they are kids, but they might have been just as miserable, just in a different way.
    
    Others, though, are indeed shallow and mean forever.

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       tksenseiposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       Why so miserable in high school? (if it's not too personal)

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       Leta Sposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       Ah, I was mainly having a little fun with 'ol TK there.
       
       Incidentally, a friend of mine who was homeless on the streets of NYC (I believe it to have been a mental issue) just died.  I was happy to see people I didn't expect from high school in our hometown posting nice messages to her memorial page.
       
       I actually just don't think about high school much at all.  No, cannot say it has been the highlight of my life...thanks, Pam, though, .

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