Is it wrong to flirt if you are married?

1. 59

   Davinagirl3posted 15 years ago

   I am a flirt, and so is my husband.  I like the fact that women find my husband sexy.  I think he feels the same way.  As long as it doesn't go too far.  What are your feelings on this subject?

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      Mishaposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      We have open relationships. As long as it is known and does not interfere with family duties much, any side is free to flirt/date/fuck at their will

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         Davinagirl3posted 15 years agoin reply to this

         That requires a lot of confidence in yourself and your relationship.  I respect that.  If it works for you, I say do it.

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         Eaglekiwiposted 15 years agoin reply to this

         It was Misha response that drew me to comment in particular the last line, MM
         
         Flirting can be harmless and can be sexually misleading.
         And Ive learned slightly different in other countries ,just a teeny bit.
         
         I said the new neighbour was really cute ,an hubby was mad!!, but for me that means cute like 'childlike' so Im choosin my words better now. lol

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      TrinaLynneposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      As long as it doesn't go too far and both parties are comfortable with it, I personally don't find anything wrong with it. If a couple can do that, more power to them. But its only my opinion

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   AsherKadeposted 15 years ago

   I think it's wrong....
   

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   Mishaposted 15 years ago

   Oh, yeah, it does. Also it did require a pretty painful transition period. But now we have trust - real one, and it is worth every moment of the previous pain

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      lrohnerposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      Oh, Misha, I would definitely imagine that the "transition period" was much more painful for her than for you. And I would also imagine that she doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore, but is there for the sake of the family. So sad....

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         Mishaposted 15 years agoin reply to this

         Assumptions are a very dangerous thing, you know

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            lrohnerposted 15 years agoin reply to this

            Prove me wrong.

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               Mishaposted 15 years agoin reply to this

               Umm, how could I? Do you want my wife's phone number?

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                  Davinagirl3posted 15 years agoin reply to this

                  Monogamy in a marriage is just a pre-set standard that most people assume is normal. Marriage, itself, is somewhat antiquated, so why not change the rules to suit the person.  In the beginning, men didn't want their women having sex with other men because they wanted to be sure of the blood line of their children... as if they could really know back then.  Men were expected to have mistresses and the wives accepted it.  Now, if a man wants to have women, on the side, his wife should be awarded the same luxury.  I could never do it, because to me, "playing the field is like working the fields".

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                     lrohnerposted 15 years agoin reply to this

                     Davina, I agree to an extent. If it's just hubby and wife, whatever rocks their socks is fine by me. But Misha mentioned 'family' which usually means 'children' and I take a lot of interest in that.
                     
                     Misha - I really, seriously do not want your wife's phone number. But a straight answer would be appreciated.

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                     1. 59

                        Davinagirl3posted 15 years agoin reply to this

                        My child is not involved in my husband's and my sex life, so why should extra marital affairs affect Misha's children.  Discretion is the key. I am sure it is not as sordid as one might assume.  It is probably very civilized... or at least I hope.

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                           lrohnerposted 15 years agoin reply to this

                           Davina, the bad side to wisdom is that it generally comes with old age and experience.

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                              Davinagirl3posted 15 years agoin reply to this

                              My parents use to have such raging fights, I didn't sleep 5 nights out of the week, but they didn't get divorced because that was "wrong" and they didn't cheat on each other because that would be "wrong".   I don't know how young you think I am, but I was raised in a 'so called' conventional family and I suffered from it.  I am sure we all have our childhood sufferings.  People aren't going to stop being human just because they have kids. The child can still be the priority if a person chooses their own lifestyle.

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                                 lrohnerposted 15 years agoin reply to this

                                 Agreed and well said. So why not just be parents apart? They will know. Children are much smarter than most people give them credit for. It may not be today or tomorrow, but they will know. I think the bigger argument is 'why stay together'?

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                                 1. 59

                                    Davinagirl3posted 15 years agoin reply to this

                                    I think I could spend the rest of my life with my husband and never have sex again.  Let's just say if one of us had an accident that didn't allow us to have sex.  To me, sex is not a hub of marriage, it's a garnish.  I don't think that a person's sexual proclivities have to mandate their decision to be together.  I am only saying that it doesn't have to be detrimental to them, or to their children.  In the late 60's, early 70's there were tons of swingers.  Many of our family members may have even tried it once, or twice.

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                                       lrohnerposted 15 years agoin reply to this

                                       Um, well, er, cough...does your hubby also see it that way? Just want to impart a teeny bit of that wisdom I talked about. In a guy's eyes, sex IS a hub of marriage. If they tell you otherwise, they're lying. It's who they are and how they're built. Second, it's unfortunate that you don't know now what would affect your children in the future. Are you willing to risk that?
                                       
                                       (Noted: Misha's withdrawal from the conversation....)

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                                       1. 59

                                          Davinagirl3posted 15 years agoin reply to this

                                          Yes, I do talk to my husband about everything I post, just because I am on the forums for the majority of my days while he is at work.  Like I said, I couldn't do it.  I just don't think it has to be the detriment of others' marriages.  I like to live and let live.  And, yes, I have noticed Misha's withdrawal. I also think it is wonderful to have this conversation with you.  I am not in any way belittling your stance.  I just like to weigh in on the least popular side of the argument.  I am like that.  I lived and breathed LD debate in highschool and it is still in me.  Thank you for the informed argument.

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                                             lrohnerposted 15 years agoin reply to this

                                             I think we were coming at this from different places -- you from what you post, and me from what you do. There's a world of difference (and what Misha has chickened out from).I still beg to differ when children are involved, but good arguments nonetheless.

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                                                Davinagirl3posted 15 years agoin reply to this

                                                Ha!  You are probably right!  You are my Jiminy Cricket.

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                                          Mishaposted 15 years agoin reply to this

                                          How is that? Wishful thinking?

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                                             lrohnerposted 15 years agoin reply to this

                                             Misha -- Just saw your response. Maybe I read too much into your comments? Sorry (on bended knee) if I assumed something I shouldn't have...

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                                                Mishaposted 15 years agoin reply to this

                                                NP

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                                       Mishaposted 15 years agoin reply to this

                                       You go girl!

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                                          Kelly Contraryposted 15 years agoin reply to this

                                          I agree w/lrohner. For most men, and by that I mean men that breathe, sex is not a garnish.  Everything you do is supposed to lead you to sex, in a perfect world, anyway. As guys age it slows from 120 mph to 80, but that's still speeding on any America highway.
                                          
                                          Eaglekiwi wrote--I just wanted to add though ,that it is flattering when someone has flirted with me....I know thats contrary ,but sure felt good!
                                          
                                          Thanks so much for saying that I felt good! And we've never even met.  This is the difference between men and women--you weren't flirting, wrote something completely innocent, and I took it and twisted it into a compliment because I'm that shallow.  Yes, I am a man!

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                                             lrohnerposted 15 years agoin reply to this

                                             If I could have a "Kellyism" every day of my life, I would certainly die smiling!

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                                                Kelly Contraryposted 15 years agoin reply to this

                                                So nice of you. That's the danger with flirting, though, is that if the women starts it, she may think it's an innocent thing, while the guy is doing a MapQuest for the nearest pharmacy to buy condoms.  If any guy literally flirts and only flirts, that has to be rare.  Guys aren't usually that smart, and few have any impuse control.  I'll be checking out for a bit to load up on cheese dip, the snack of champions.

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                                                   Eaglekiwiposted 15 years agoin reply to this

                                                   God youre hilarious ( but scary ,maybe right)
                                                   Still made me laugh though

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                                                      Kelly Contraryposted 15 years agoin reply to this

                                                      Thanks for the compliment. You just can't stop flirting w/me, can you?
                                                      
                                                      The cheese dip is making me quite sleepy. Seriously, had a nice time reading the comments here and I'll try to check out some of everyone's hubs later.  Sweet dreams, good citizens of Hubberville.

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                                                   girly_girl09posted 15 years agoin reply to this

                                                   AHAHA!!! This is soooooo true (for some guys). I have actually seen guys do this. It is absolutely hilarious. One time a group of my friends and I were at the store and my friend Melissa immediately noticed that one guy had skulked off on his own. She was like "he is going to buy condoms, I just know it". So, we followed him and sure enough, he was! Normally this wouldn't be funny at all, but it was hilarious since there had been this strange girl innocently flirting with him all day that he was crazy about. He thought he was going to get laid that night. The rest of us could easily see that she was just being nice to him! Nothing more than that...lol
                                                   
                                                   I have been known to tease some of my guy friends and be like "ooooh, she is soooooo into you!" and they'll be like "really? I knew it!" (lol ok, that sounds mean...but, they have huge egos and typically don't have any problems in that department.) Every once in a while I like to tease them about their egos and their ways with women.
                                                   
                                                   A lot of guys can be so shallow and therefore, at times, it can be entertaining...just saying.

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                                          2. 74

                                             Eaglekiwiposted 15 years agoin reply to this

                                             Flirting is like a finely choregraphed dance
                                             Or symphony lilting on a soft breeze.
                                             
                                             damn Im flirting with myself

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                        Inspirepubposted 15 years agoin reply to this

                        I have met Misha's wife and kids, and I can ASSURE you that is one seriously happy family.
                        
                        Jenny

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               onthewritesideposted 15 years agoin reply to this

               No really....Misha's telling the truth!  My g/f and I were with his wife last night... 

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                  Mishaposted 15 years agoin reply to this

                  LOL I am afraid you are mistaken, I know where she was last night

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                     onthewritesideposted 15 years agoin reply to this

                     I'm just razzin ya my friend!  hehehe!

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4. 60

   Kelly Contraryposted 15 years ago

   I think flirting is wrong, so very wrong.  Nothing good can come of it.  If you respect your marriage, you won't disrespect your spouse by flirting with someone else.
   
   
   
   Ok, now that the wife went upstairs, flirting is fine as long as the chick is hot and I won't get caught.  Now, if my wife flirts with some guy that is so hot we think he's gay, that's a no-no. Unless he really is gay, then that's fine.  It's not so much a double-standard but my standard.

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      Kelly Contraryposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      You guys, this was taking a far too serious turn and I tried to steer it in a fun way.  I am only one man.  I don't have an iron will.  From the fridge, I hear the cheese dip whispering sweet nothings. Nothing like eating late at night to pack on a few pounds.

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         Davinagirl3posted 15 years agoin reply to this

         ...so you're gonna go flirt with cheese dip?

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      lrohnerposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      Kelly, you are DA BOMB! Everything you write brings a smile to my face, and (as Martha Stewart would say), that's a good thing.

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      beautyroseposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      I agree with you.  Because how about if flirting develops into something more.  oohh  O then a new problem arise.

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5. 74

   Eaglekiwiposted 15 years ago

   If open means what I understand it to mean.
   
   Why be married?

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      lrohnerposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      Unfortunately, Kiwi, it usally means "I have children".

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         Eaglekiwiposted 15 years agoin reply to this

         Like friends with benefits?
         Nah not for me
         I share everything, cept that lol

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      Mishaposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      I don't know what you meant, but we married because I could not legally stay in US otherwise after leaving a 9-5 job in international organization, our first kid turned one year by that time

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         lrohnerposted 15 years agoin reply to this

         Misha: Still so sad. I still luv ya, but a child should be a product of love -- not legalities.

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            Eaglekiwiposted 15 years agoin reply to this

            Hey its your life, and I guess ya do what ya gotta do
            
            I could do with a shot of wisdom myself there Irohner,you some to spare lol
            
            I just wanted to add though ,that it is flattering when someone has flirted with me....I know thats contrary ,but sure felt good!

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            Mishaposted 15 years agoin reply to this

            Umm, not sure I understood you? I never said our kids are a product of legalities. They both were wished for and were conceived in love, and are loved. Don't see what this has to do with marriage or open relationships.

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6. 65

   Mishaposted 15 years ago

   LOL Lrohner, the straight answer is what I said already - it makes both of us happier, because we KNOW we are the one, not just HOPE so. We have an experience of "affairs" not affecting our relations to prove it.
   
   I think you have a point in that it was harder for my wife to adjust to this - but she gets a higher reward though: I did not have an "affair" for the last several years, while she had at least two during the same period

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7. 60

   Kelly Contraryposted 15 years ago

   You know, cheese dip in the middle of the night is a wonderful thing.  Yes, I am having an open affair with cheese dip.  We've been having an on again/off again romance for years.  People can come and go, be faithful and unfaithful, shamelessly chase fashion trends and fall just slightly behind the curve, but cheese dip, my friends, has never let me down once.  Except for that time when I didn't realize the expiration date had lapsed before I finished it all.  Man, I felt so bad, I thought my wife had an affair.
   
   Ok, someone was really irked with somebody else a few minutes ago, and the conversation was deep.  Go on.

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      lrohnerposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      Cheese dip? You're having an affair with cheese dip? I so do luv ya, Kelly.

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      White Teethposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      Cheese dip in the middle of the night makes my ass look big...

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   lrohnerposted 15 years ago

   BTW, Davina, I think you are one of the coolest people on HP. So please don't take what I say in the wrong way.

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      White Teethposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      A little off-topic, but I wanted to mention that Davinagirl3 and girly_girl09's pictures totally rock. That is all.

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   andromidaposted 15 years ago

   If you wanna flirt then why to marry.keep flirting without any commitment.

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10. 74

    Mighty Momposted 15 years ago

    Is the topic flirting or extramarital affairs? Or are we saying there is no distinction?
    Anyone who claims never to use their feminine or masculine charms when interacting in the world with people other than one's spouse or SO is (IMHO) deluding themself. Flirting makes the world go round. It does not have to lead to anything -- it truly can be harmless male/female (or male/male or female/female) interaction.
    A heck of a lot of flirting goes on here at HP without (as far as I know) it leading to adultery! And, as Martha Stewart says, "that's a gppd thing."

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       Ivorwenposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       I would have to agree. 
       
       My husbands whole personality is much more flirtatious than mine.  Compared to him, I never flirt, even now, but he thinks he is just being nice.  I have learned how not to come across as something broken off of a glacier, and it means flirting.  For me, flirting is not so much about sex/getting noticed, as it is about making the other person feel accepted/appreciated.

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          Davinagirl3posted 15 years agoin reply to this

          I agree also.  I flirted at work, harmlessly, and I know my husband flirts at his work.  I flirt mercilessly here on HP, and that is where I got the idea for this thread.  The topic of adultery somehow evolved... as things do... from the original topic.

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             lrohnerposted 15 years agoin reply to this

             I am most likely the culprit, Davina, sorry. But if not me, then it's MISHA'S fault!  hee hee hee

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          lrohnerposted 15 years agoin reply to this

          That's an interesting standpoint, Ivorwen. However, kind of makes me feel like "hubby is gonna do what he's gonna do and I'll be a good girl and take it". I have no problem with 'flirting' per se, but more often than not, it's a misnomer for 'cheating'. I agree with girly girl. It's gonna have a bad impact on the family.

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             Ivorwenposted 15 years agoin reply to this

             I think you are taking it wrong, but then again, maybe we are talking two totally different subjects.  Maybe what I call flirting is not what you are thinking of. 
             
             I do not have alot of dating experience, and I have no patience for those looking for sex, but I do know that some forms of flirting are very innocent.  They are what make up friendly relationships and positive work environments.  My husbands ability to make each person feel 'liked' has always made him a favorite everywhere he has ever gone, with everyone -- everyone but the jocks who think their relationships might be in danger. 

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    girly_girl09posted 15 years ago

    I have no problems with married people flirting. Everyone flirts! It's completely normal. As long as it doesn't hurt your SO, then I see no issue. Be warned, that it could lead to other things, though.
    
    I would like to jump in and provide my insight about affairs. I never talk about this with anyone, but I do not mind sharing on an anonymous internet forum....lol (funny how that is)
    
    Extra marital affairs definitely affect children. I promise you that. Unfortunately, I know all too well. They affect the entire family, immediate and otherwise. I rarely speak to my father and have nothing to do with him anymore. Enough was enough.
    
    Now, I'm not sure what it'd be like to have parents with open relationships. Misha, that's very modern and I have no experience with it...so I have no opinion on that!
    
    But, I can tell you that one parent having traditional multiple affairs and a mother pretending to ignore it is very difficult to live with. I eventually sat my parents down and told them to get a divorce. I couldn't take it anymore. Maybe that sounds selfish of me, but things are so much better now. I know my mom is so much happier and so am I. We both got hurt so much.
    
    Unfortunately, I have serious trust issues when it comes to dating because of my father's extra marital affairs.

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    Mishaposted 15 years ago

    I know

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    Eaglekiwiposted 15 years ago

    I always said to my sons (and they rolled their eyes)!
    
    Never let the small brain dictate to the large brain
    
    Im going to bed now on that happy note. (from the last post ) mapquest

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    dmarksposted 15 years ago

    In any relationship there are gonna be temptation. If both parties are open and honest, I don't think anything is wrong with it. Now on the other hand you are opening a door that can cause more harm than good. For example.
    I found out that my husband was having some very explicit chats with a young lady that he works with and I could tell that there were feelings there...Now even though he may say that he doesn't talk to her anymore and he wants our marriage to work, I don't know if I will ever trust him again.
    So flirting can hurt and can cause some unwanted problems..

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       Davinagirl3posted 15 years agoin reply to this

       
       You are totally right.  It is the secrecy that is the problem.

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    apekshaposted 15 years ago

    It's a sign of a bad husband or wife.
    It's totally wrong.

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    Pearldiverposted 15 years ago

    Everyone enjoys being complimented and flirting is very much a compliment.  If anything; I don't believe that there is enough of it in the world.
    
    Besides; Some of us are really, really good at flirting!
    
    Also, I believe: One should always do one's best in life with the skills one has.

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    Lady_Eposted 15 years ago

    We ladies will be ladies and men will always be men. Just know where to draw the line.

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       Davinagirl3posted 15 years agoin reply to this

       This is the smartest observation so far.  This is better than any thing I have tried to say all night.

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    Lisa HWposted 15 years ago

    I think it depends on the personalities of the people involved.  I'm not the flirting type, and I didn't marry the flirting type.  Some people don't flirt unless there's something to it, so for people like that it's probably wrong if they're married.  If "everyone's a flirt and everyone else knows it", there's nothing wrong with, I guess.

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    Davinagirl3posted 15 years ago

    I think I am a natural flirt.  My mom says that I flirt with everyone, men and women.  I guess I just enjoy being around people.  I am not talking about hard-core sex talk.  I just think that a little wink, or a look, can make someone feel beautiful.  It is an esteem thing.  When I see a woman flirt with my husband, and he blushes, that turns me on.

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    Lisa HWposted 15 years ago

    I don't particularly have anything against flirting.  It's just that I'm "flirting challenged".   

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    wannabwesternposted 15 years ago

    It sounds like I'm in the minority here, but my belief is that a marriage involves a monogamous commitment: mind, body, and soul. Flirting with others can give you a real ego massage, but in my mind, it can pull you away from the mind and soul part of the commitment in your marriage. That is my idea of marriage, and in that regard I feel it takes consistent nurturing to keep the spark alive. Anyone who tells you otherwise has been watching a few too many romantic comedies. Marriage requires an investment of both spouse's energy, so why not flirt with your spouse and feed the spark?

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       Inspirepubposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       Several people have said here, and I have heard people say elsewhere, that flirting with other people feeds the spark in their marriage. Lots of couples "party flirt" - split up, work the room, then head home together to ... er ... enjoy the buzz together.
       
       It happens so often that I have heard single people complaining about it - because they often don't realise they are wasting their time until it is too late to start over with someone new that evening.
       
       Personally, I think anything is unethical if someone hasn't consented - including party flirting, for example, if you don't tell the flirtee you are unavailable.
       
       It's all about honesty and transparency.
       
       Jenny

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    wannabwesternposted 15 years ago

    Hmmm. Party flirting. Interesting idea. But I guess I'm going to have to stay boring and old school and flirt with my own spouse. But I respectfully take your point about consenting adults doing what works for them.

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    Philipoposted 15 years ago

    The idea of flirting in a marriage is a condemnable act. I do not support it in any way.  Why should a married couple give node to each other to keep relationships outside of the marriage.  You could as well forget getting married and flirt to eternity.  The issue of a single lady dating a married man is also wrong.  You can be wasting your future unknowingly.

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