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How do men justify multiple wifes?
Would you pick love over lust?
I believe multiple wives are illegal, Koma. Even in NYC, last time I checked.
its legal in utah and in nyc they dont care about legal or not they still do it like in some communities. but on a personal level i have to deal wit this issue because i know my hubby has other families. We dont talk about it but I know. i just cant imagine living with other women and sharing. Its not a religious thing at all just a moral issue. Its hard for me to accept it but as ledefensetech suggests some women might be considerate towards such a situation. I just don’t think women lust for sex as much as men.
No way. What are you, 26 or something? And I doubt most women would consider the situation. Most would be upset.
And I think women want sex as much as men...in my experience. Only thing that cuts into that is lots and lots of work and other obligations.
Unless this is a legal, stay in the US kind of thing with him?
You are very close 27, We’ve been together for 10 years and he always took care of us. I was only with him.... so I don’t understand why he has to be different from me. Even though all his friends do the same thing and they have their own little men’s social club. I think he is just trying to fit it. It is kinda crazy
I am starting to like you Koma smile
Why you never liked me
LOL I never had a chance when you went ballistic on me with your kid on leash
i just love good sushi and had some bad ones in my life and i think it was 9/9/9
You know I love them too. And no, I never had really bad ones.
As for your husband, you have some thinking to do. I wouldn't be that categorical as LDT, you actually may like it after you try it. If you start putting things up as "me or them", there are chances that he choose them, leaving you in even worse situation than the one you are trying to avoid now.
I take it you are completely dependent on him, and have more than one kid, right? If this is the case, forget about idiocies of emancipation, and try to recall the art of controlling your man in a natural, subtle way.
Bribery is a bad sign, Misha. That's not how you show a wife you love them. Still you do have a point about koma being a woman to keep her husband from wandering. It can be done, but it's work. I'd also look into ways to make a little something on your own on the side. It's never a good idea to be completely dependent on another. You have to at the very least be able to stand on your own two feet. It never hurts to be prepared for any eventuality.
Not necessarily LDT. He might just not know any better. And then try to put yourself in his shoes - how would you approach the task of convincing your wife in accepting another wife or even several of them? That's a tricky task.
I know I'm thinking about this like an American, Misha, I just can't seem to get my head around using material goods to get a woman to agree to something like that. That's probably because no matter how bad I've had it, I've always had a certain level of material wealth. I've never had to decide between compromising my beliefs and simple survival. I just have a hard time believing that here in the States, her options are so limited.
Yeah, . My Soviet knew better. That's why I was with him.
My options were not really limited after all it was what I wanted as well its just that he was my first one and well….. then now I awaken a little and a little sacred but thanks for the support im trying to laugh about this so I don’t cry all the time. I want love but I think all men want lust. Lita of course we cant stereotype any people but when his Asiatic friends come over he sends the nanny for a walk and makes me do all the “wife” stuff that I never do.
I’m going to the spa tomorrow maybe that will brighten me up a little. Lita sushi on me, come through lol you now what everyone is invited lets have a good relaxing day tomorrow for me. Love all
Well, what can I tell you? I was with someone at about that same age that was similar--immature. It takes some of them a long time (if at all) to figure out that kind of life isn't really worth it. He was a good guy, in his own way...but the silly thing has lost all his hair by now and hasn't had an actual relationship since me....just little flings with long times between. lol, , I know that is bad...but the pain he caused me...it is probably Karma.
To you: I'd tell you there are other men out there...good ones. This isn't the only one, and you have a lot of time. I suppose it is also really hard because you have kids. I wouldn't judge...you just need to do what is best for you and your children. I wouldn't lose myself in the situation, though...these things are never the partner's fault, though often they'd love you to think so (insecurity...immaturity).
thanks for the advise
everything was peachy for along time but I know now what he does for a couple of years we still managed to live peacefully but now i heard him talk about bringing some home. Could you imagine he is crossing the line. And those girls look like the ones on the pic i dont even know if they are legaland he is trying to bribe me with another car
That's not a good sign. It sounds like he's trying to coerce you into doing something you don't want to. He's pushing you to see if you'll agree to this. If you do, it'll only be the beginning. Better to nip it in the bud before it gets to that point. Then he'll have to decide what he wants more, you or his club.
OMG you make it sound so bad
He told me the club comes first but that never bothered me before. but now the kids are here and asking questions. I know im in a tight spot with these girls but we just got to figure this lust thing out. Maybe I should buy some outfits or something. You guys are my club because I don’t socialize much without him involved, a lot of things I can’t really describe but thanks for the support. It’s hard to balance out the material lifestyle over trying to understand love. Especially, when you grow up in poverty and then are introduced to wealth unlimited.
I really feel for you and only you know what the price of your honor is. If he's doing things you can live with, then you're golden. But it sounds like you have some reservations about all of this. The fact that he says his club comes first is a little worrying. I'd really recommend finding something you can do on the side so you can at least be a little independent, just in case.
It might just be that I'm thinking like an American, but I really don't like the overtones of control I'm getting from your descriptions. I suppose what it comes down to is what you value more, your vision of marriage or your material comfort. Only you can answer that question.
I am sorry, but I can not get my head around this either.
My Wife Lana is from Minsk. She is as Russian as any could be, and I can tell you first hand. She was also raised poor, but she still has principle and up-bringing. And she would turn my a** into a Yard Ornament if I ever tried a stupid stunt like that.
Associate with other women in your area with similar background, look for Russian Womens clubs in the area and get some support.
Instead of spending money on outfits, buy an experienced Lawyer and Give him a lesson in Human basic rights he will never forget.
You are not a slave, you agreed to be his Wife, his partner, and you should expect same from him.
Please forgive me for being direct here, no bad thing is intended, but....
This is not an innocent lust thing to get over or get past. Like a Girl that turned his head. It is a sickness, a sexual perversion and he is addicted to it. It will not go away unless HE is willing to give it up. He needs a Psych. and you need a life you wish to live. Club or no club, multiple wifes are Illegal.
I am sorry for being so direct
Sorry, Koma. Don't be sad...or should I say, be sad, but realize you'll get through it. Promise.
I would not allow those 'girls' in your home. I hope you have support...friends or family around you.
*edit: Koma...I read Misha's response. I'd say this: Do what is best for YOU...follow your instincts for what is best. And you may be surprised how much better you feel, even if you do have to depend on yourself, if this whole situation makes you feel bad. I've two sisters...and can tell you, definitely...there are many good guys out there. This is only one. There is another out there who will be good to you.
That was completely unprovoked, lrohner. Ridiculous. And I have reported you.
I do not know what your problem with me is. All this post was, in spirit, was to give Koma some support.
You do not know what my situation was with my ex boyfriend, just as I have no idea what your situation was and why you are divorced. And I must say I don't want to know. Quit making this some kind of personal war/attack.
Polygamy is illegal in all 50 states, despite what the actions are of some.
I believe people who justify polygamy have incredible arrogance. They truly believe they are better than the average person, have more sexual prowess than the average person, and if it's a religious thing, believe somehow that God condones their arrogance.
If you know he has other families, is it too difficult for you to pull the plug? It's up to you if you are happy or not, but if you're not there's no reason for you to stay in such a relationship.
You are right polygamy is illegal. But legally if you don’t file a marriage license with the state then you can still be cohabiting with as many partners as you want. And this is what they do in Utah. Im totally against Polygamy but I know that all men if put into that position by family and society would support and enjoy polygamy.
Isn’t that what all men want?
I think Im starting to figure men out because of my experiences with my man. I just believe true love can be between 2 people only. He is the ultimate image of modern day man gone wild gone wrong whatever but I know he is good inside.
Well....no...it's not what ALL men want. I went through two failed marriages of one wife each, and if I can't figure that out, I know I wouldn't figure out multiple wives.
I just want to love and be loved in return. And I am, now. I have more questions about this than answers, but I do know I'm finally in a good place in life. That's a lot for me.
Oh Hell No! I love my wife but if there was more than one they'd kill me. No man in his right mind would want to listen to all that. It looks good on paper but hell no!
That would depend on the people involved in the relationship, wouldn't it? Just because you wouldn't consider having another wife share you man, that's no reason to believe another woman wouldn't consider that an ideal relationship. Same thing holds for a woman marrying multiple men. So long as everyone is in agreement, why not?
Most of the time you seem very intelligent but other times you say things that are incredibly ignorant! Go figure! Are you married?
I never said I'd do it. Dear God in Heaven, one woman in my life is more than enough, believe me. But that doesn't mean other people feel the same way. Who am I to tell them they're wrong?
Incredibly ignorant? I think ledefensetech nailed it precisely--his view (if that's his view he posted) coincides precisely with mine. Just because the society with which you personally identify defines marriage as one-on-one does not mean it's the only option planet-wide by a long shot. Sounds like you're the ignorant one, seeing that you are quite obviously ignorant of the massive numbers of multiple-wife arrangements that are viewed positively by the members of such.
And before you ask, yes, I am married.
Additionally, I see no reason why lust and love can't cohabit as well.
True, multiple wives (or husbands) are not legal in the USA, but that doesn't mean there aren't plenty of multiple-partner arrangements even in the lower 48.
In quite a few of the Native American tribes, multiple wives were common (and in their society, legal). More women to spread the workload while hubby was out trying to find an elk to feed the family made a lot of sense. It wasn't all about sex by a long shot. Likewise, those manly warriors tended to get killed a lot, which made coming on board as a second wife a lot more attractive option in some cases than surviving within the tribe with no man at all.
So why is such a viewpoint stupid? Or ignorant?
You shed light on this whole topic. Deep inside i feel that men have natural lustful instincts for many women. My hubby is a happy person he is enjoying his life I think a little too much even. But I don’t see a need for it now. He doesn’t have to go hunting anymore. And the only war he goes to is when he plays xbox or whatever that thing is called. No matter how lustful it is for him I don’t want to be around the women that he sleeps with.
Im very close to fulfilling my spiritual cycle and he is just setting me back.
thats waht i want. Love
Ah, now, see, that's one of my problems: I tend to be a literalist. That is, I took the question (and subsequent posts) as a "general discussion"...but am now getting the idea that you're asking out of personal pain. Not quite the same thing, obviously.
I agree with you that men have natural lustful desires for many women. I know I do. Not that I act on them; self control is (supposedly at least) a mark of maturity, right?
It's true enough that we don't have to go hunting any more, but it's also true that a tendency bred into our genes for thousands of years is not likely to vanish from the race all that easily. Additionally, a lot of guys do use that general idea to attempt to excuse some really abominable behavior. I don't see it as a "rightness" or "wrongness" about the concept of multiple wives, however. A guy who can be rotten to one wife (from what I've seen) has the capacity to be rotten to twenty wives...or more.
Some years back, there was a TV special about a multiple wife family--forget the name of the show, but it was very well done and involved a polygamous Mormon family. The wives had become very very upset at all the media attacks on polygamy and had decided to go public, take a stand on the topic. If memory serves, there were 4 wives (maybe 3, not less).
The husband's face was not shown by mutual agreement with his wives. He ran a business of his own and felt (quite rightly) that if he came on camera, his business might well go down the tubes. He worked very long hours providing for his family--all of them, including a number of children (who did attend public school). Not hunting, but he was still very much out there looking for a big enough elk to feed everyone, so to speak.
All of the ladies were quite well spoken and quite outspoken. They (and the children) cited such advantages as never having to be alone or without someone to talk to, sharing of household chores, somewhat an "it takes a village" approach to always having someone to be there for the kids, etc. They also admitted quite freely--or at least one of them did--feeling envious when a different sister-wife was in the bedroom with the husband. But none of them held it against either the other woman or the husband, and none of them felt it to be a large enough issue to make them consider any different type of relationship.
What they clearly had was a level of mutual caring, compassion, love, support, and communication with each other.
To sum up: My deep personal belief is that it is not the FORM of the relationship that matters but the FUNCTIONALITY. There are both functional and dysfunctional marriages in any format we might care to discuss, and I for one prefer function over form.
Yeah, Misha...this might sound terrible, but my Georgian boyfriend said it was well known that Russian guys from the USSR treated their women badly and divorces were more than rampant...not to mention the alcoholism. That's why 'Asians' ('Asiatic' Soviets) were considered a catch in Moscow among Russian women.
I don't know why he told you that Lita, because my husband is from st.Petersburg but most of his friends in his social club are Asiatic Russians Georgians, Uzbeks, and Azerbaijanis’
They are the worse and most vulgar out of his company and its always men over women with them. I’m lucky cause they would look down on my husband for letting me travel and giving me whatever I want secretly. Their women stay at home and cook and clean and when we get together they are so boring nothing to talk about accept the house and kids.
lol. Well, could be because Georgians hate Russians, somewhat...or, should I say, the take over of their country by Russians, Muslims, Mongols, what have you. Another story.
Z. was unsual...special, actually, in many ways...and it certainly was never a male dominance thing in his family... They are all doctors and scientists...his mother and sister very strong women. His sister is a physician there in Bay Ridge.
It is true you cannot stereotype. But I also heard after the fall of the USSR M-F relationships and everything else was a mess.
And everyone knows, as well, that what you said is really YOU, (projecting) or you would show yourself,
Bet it shines!
You were banned now twice. The last time it was for calling several women 'bitches.' And it was caught in just the same way. This will be ban #3, if they decide to do so.
Once, for responding to your stalking. To which, I wrote a hub in response, on the Letter vs. the Spirit of Law...and/or rules. To which, several well-known hubbers have responded to in hubs concerning the decline of the forums.
Afterwards, when you called SweetiePie a 'bitch' in the forums, I applied some, lol, political pressure. From there, the forum rules got changed. You, and several of your kind (and several others, unfortunately...again, interpretation, IMHO, of letter vs. spirit) were then banned.
And I am sure, given your history, that you will not be able to stop with your antics, and will be banned again. Soon, and permanently, I would hope. This last personal attack may do it, maybe not. But! The readiness is all. lol.
I don't even know you, but I know you're worth a heck of a lot more than another car!
I think most men would choose the car over me any day. i dont even want his one i want a Japanese sports car and he always gets what he want anyways like always.
I'd be careful in selling myself short. It's not an uncommon tactic for controlling men to keep their women bouncing between acceptance and outcast to better control them. I had a very dear friend just get out of one of those relationships and Lord was it hard to get her to see the truth. The fact that he gets you the car he wants, instead of the one you want is another worrying sign.
I propose we all go watch "Big Love" and then come back and post again.
I know it's a TV show but the depiction of polygamy shown really makes me question how anyone could handle multiple wives.
Even worse, imagine marrying someone based on a promise of monogamy -- which is reasonable -- and later having the rules changed. "Honey, guess what? I've brought two sister wives home for you. Don't freak out. I also got you a new Lexus."
What's wrong with this picture?
Eek, Koma...your situation makes me cringe.
That is really a tough one especially if you depend on him and have children. I can't give advice...I'm only 22, clearly never married, no kids, and it has been awhile since I've been in a relationship. But, I can still see that you don't deserve that. Nor do your kids. I hope something works out in your favor!
Guys that do that makes me want to be a lesbian or nun (and I'm not even religious!).
We're not all that way. Some of us are really quite decent.
True. And that, lol, shines through, LDT. Even when all there is...is words.
Why do I feel like I have the mark of Cain sometimes? I'm never going to live that down am I.
You're wrong. lol. That was a compliment, LDT. I'd forgotten about what you are thinking about a long time ago...besides, you had the decency to apologize. We just disagree...strongly. lol. Or actually, to be HONEST, it is you who thinks so, not I.
I describe myself as a socialist libertarian. I'm aware of the differences/similiarities... And yes, such a construction exists. Several books have been based on such thinking. lol.
Yeah I saw the compliment after I posted. I was, however, raised Catholic and there's still some of that guilt thing that influences my thinking. On the balance I think it's a big part of what makes me who I am so I don't regret it, but sometimes focusing on guilt can make you a bit quirky.
I'm sure socialist-libertarian exists, just like anarcho-communism exists. Those combination just seem like strange bedfellows to me. The telling point is that neither of us want to see people left out in the cold. We just differ on the best way to meet everyone's needs.
Of course. It's just instances like this can make a girl momentarily paranoid.
Women are just as capable at being untrue...buuut
Let me just clear it up a little we weren’t really married by book or anything it was just our bond. And from the start I knew he was a strong and dominating man. And I knew because of how he was raised and his lifestyle that he would be with other women. I sill loved him. Sometimes good people live bad lives and he is just in that situation. Everything we do together is beautiful like our children and I’m still in love with him. Also the multiple wife’s thing he just meant extra younger women in the house not getting married to them or anything like that. I just think he is getting ahead of himself and maybe I should do something about myself because Im getting close to 30. Maybe I will try some subtle tactics to resolve this situation.
Also my dependence on him doesn’t matter financially Im well set up for the rest of my life and some lifetimes after that lol I made sure of that during our 10 years. But I’m not even thinking about leaving him or my life now even though I did think about it at times. I’m too attached emotionally and my children too, maybe in 10 or 15 years.
I got a good day rest today and a lot of great ideas after reading all of your suggestions thanks for the support really. And I still can’t figure out what this white wolf is talking about lol.
It’s amazing what a day in the spa does for you body and soul.
30 isn't at all old, Koma. Take it from me...and lrohner here, .
Some of the most beautiful women in the world are over 30. I could name a dozen right now... And yeah, that emotional attachment to your first one is very, very hard to get over...it is also very strong. There is, however, life on the other side of it, if you so choose.
I had a rough old day with 3 hour meetings, so I'm glad somebody had a relaxing time.
It's an awful situation to be in ... If it were me (meaning, if I was you)...
I'd make best friends with the other ladies and convince them all to leave him ... then I'd leave with them. Someone that sees a need for more when they already have something good ... well ... they deserve nothing in my book.
I'm all for playful flirting (vocally joking, but never touching nor leading on), but I would never step out on my gal, and I can't conceive why other men think it's all right to do so. Maybe I didn't receive enough testosterone at birth, or else I might think like the other neanderthalic brutes who conceive it's okay to love more than one woman.
Call me old fashioned ... but I'm *happy* with my old fashioned self and I intend to stay that way.
i will definitely take you as one lol. You will be the teaching him how to behave.
The thought of multiple wives is compelling. But can one handle more than one.It is very rosy in thought but practically when you cannot handle one how can you handle multiple, unless the wives are vegetables.Now do we want such multiple wives or one beautiful, intelligent, cheerful,loving, ever-smiling wife.
On a sillier note, I have a friend whose wife was all for polygamy under two conditions:
"She's as warm as a cold fish, and she loves house work."
He took over the housework because her health declined severely until her death. He said it was a joy to serve the person he loved so much. He just turned 80 a few months ago and his wife has been gone 6 years. They are a remarkable couple, having lost 5 of their 7 children before adulthood.
If I should ever have a love of my life again, I hope I can find someone like my friends were able to find each other. Gentle persuasion, calm reasoning.
Don't be worrying, Them girls are Russian spies.
They don't come from these neck of the woods.
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