Infidelity - Leave or Stay?

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   SheMisposted 15 years ago

   If your partner had an affair, would you pack your bags or try to work it out?

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      RKHenryposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      Depends what the expectations are?  Are you willing to face the truth of the matter?  Are you willing to TRUTHFULLY hear what your partner has to say?  Are you willing to comprise and change?  There was an obvious reason why they cheated.  So are you willing to make the sacrifice.  If not- leave.  Cheating only hurts you the most, if you allow it too. Find out what the needs and wants are.  It might not be your fault, they might need something you don't.  If you are capable and willing to look past your own "selfish" pain, move pass your self inflicted sorrow- I don't know- you just might be happier on the flip side.
      
      Yes cheating is painful.  But YOU have power over only YOU.  It only hurts if YOU choose to let it hurt.  Figure out the missing pieces and maybe they'll stop.  Or maybe you'll find out that they can't, won't, need it, like it, want it, desire it........ Crap like that.  Why should their lives be full of sorrow and wasted, just because they might love you.??
      
      It's happened to me.  It's happened by me.  I've had personal experience.  It's all about the way YOU, yourself chooses to deal with it.

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         SheMisposted 15 years agoin reply to this

         I think surviving an affair is a very complicated process and highly individualized. We all have boundaries and for some cheating is a deal breaker, regardless. Obviously, there was something wrong in the relationship, but they aren't usually one sided and I personally think cheating is a reflection of a persons flaws. It usually boils down to coping skills and communication. I also don't believe that it’s selfish to feel the pain that comes along with it and it is certainly not self inflicted. It's a hard thing to overcome and the cheater best be willing to support their partner as they go through the motions of recovering.

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            RKHenryposted 15 years agoin reply to this

            yeah, I believe that is what I said.  You, is an individual and not a group of people.
            
            Selfish pain- is pain not selfish when it is all your own?  It was not meant in a negative connotation.  But rather, factual.  If you feel pain.  It is you (yourself) feeling that pain.  It is a selfish pain.  Only YOU can deal with it.  It unfortunately is selfishly yours to swallow.  Not theirs.  They don't have too.  But, since pain is so selfish- YOU might. Literally.

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      Ladybird33posted 15 years agoin reply to this

      It depends if you have children and if it's worth working out.  That is a hard question.  If not children, then I would most likely pack my bags and leave.

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      MissJamieDposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      If they can let go of the other person, I would work it out. If they were in love with that person or continued to see them over a period of time, they'd be long gone. But everyone deserves a chance or two in life.

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      Drew Breezzyposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      forget them
      
      fool me once shame on you
      
      fool me twice shame on me
      
      fool me thrice I am a fool

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      nazishnasimposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      Once a cheater ... always a cheater.

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      WitchofWavelandposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      With all due respect, it is my own personal belief to leave. I in no way, for any reason, tolerate such a deceitful act. I don't know what may have caused him/her to do so but, they obviously have little or no respect, much less love for you as a person. Such deceitful people also tend to blame their spouses/significant others for why they betrayed them. I love myself too much and value my self-worth to continue in such a dysfunctional relationship, kids or not. Once that occurs, it destroys all trust. We are all human and obviously make mistakes. I can forgive but, I will never forget. I'll be damned if I allow anyone to do it to me again. That is 1 major mistake I don't tolerate. I can't live such a lie. That is my take on your question.

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      Davinagirl3posted 15 years agoin reply to this

      I think it would be over.  Trust cannot be regained after a lie of this proportion.

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      RRRoodposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      Most everyone boo hoo's, then stays and is miserable and makes the other person miserable, or worse, pretends everything is alright until it happens again - AND IT WILL HAPPEN AGAIN !!

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   Laura Berwickposted 15 years ago

   I think I would try to stay and work it out, but long term it would depend on if I could let go of what happened. I'd like to say that I could forgive, forget and learn to trust again provided my partner was also commited to rebuilding our relationship and moving on from the affair... but truthfully, I'm just not sure that I could.

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   anime_nanetposted 15 years ago

   If my partner had an affair SHE should pack her bags!!!

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   lrohnerposted 15 years ago

   Been there. Done that. Bought that t-shirt. If I ever get married again and if my spouse had an affair, I would toss him out so quick he wouldn't know what hit him.
   
   I do think there are people out there that truly have a misstep, have an affair, are truly sorry and don't want to do it again. Problem is, there's no way to distinguish the folks that are sorry for having the affair from the folks who are sorry they got caught.

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   kmackey32posted 15 years ago

   My husband did have an affair an I left him for about a year. But here i am back again.

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      dennisemattposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      thats so hard. hows it going?

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   sweigandposted 15 years ago

   That really depends on the situation. It could have been a single occurrence or an ongoing affair. People make mistakes, but if a pattern is apparent then it's time to go.

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      Lisa HWposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      I agree to some degree.  If I were in a coma for a year, and the guy sought the company of someone else - that would be understandable.  As long as I'm not in a coma, though, I have a different "policy".   

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   Lisa HWposted 15 years ago

   I've always had a "one-strike" policy (if I were to know about the affair).  If someone doesn't want to be in the marriage he ought to leave.  If it means breaking up the family, well, that's what happens when you can't/won't behave and exercise some self-control.  Obviously, if there's an affair then there's something missing in the marriage (otherwise he wouldn't be interested in the affair).

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      dennisemattposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      I agree. cheating is sooooo heartbreaking. Have enough consideration to break off the relationship before starting another. It is possable for someone to cheat, while the other one truly bleives everything is fine. I am biased I suppose, having never been the cheater, only the cheateee...

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   Lady_Eposted 15 years ago

   I wouldn't pack my bags and leave.  He would have to pack his bags and leave. What's to say it wouldn't happen again?  As for children being involved, I'd still do the same thing but make sure he had access to them vice versa.
   
   Hope I don't find myself in that situation though.

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      newcash101posted 15 years agoin reply to this

      I agree, also because things would never be the same.

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   dennisemattposted 15 years ago

   I always said I would leave. done deal. but now ive ben married 10 years and have 3 kids and seen alot more of the world then back when I beleived in Cinderella. My sister told me this:
   Its like a precious china plate has been broken.It can be fixed but will never be the smae.How much does the palte mean to you? Can you stand keeping the plate but seeing the cracks?
   Its an individual choice, I commend anyone who is able to truly forgive and move on. Its a hard thing.

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    indian cookingposted 15 years ago

    One Mistake would be forgiven if he promises that he would not do it again. One more time I would pack his bags and throw him out.

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    pgrundyposted 15 years ago

    I personally don't know because I can't imagine it happening. If it happened now, I guess a lot would depend on whether he wanted to get past it or move in with the other woman. I mean, I don't see the point of staying with someone who doesn't want to be with me. If he had reasons for wanting to stay in our relationship and they made sense, I'd certainly listen. I'd be miserable and hurt though. Hard to tell what I'd do.
    
    Some men will have affairs no matter what and if you are married to one of those he's not going to change, period. So you either accept it or throw him out.

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       anjalichughposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       I completely agree.

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    Leta Sposted 15 years ago

    Been there, done that.  At the time it was painful--of course women have a tendency to blame themselves.  However, I did end the relationship, and ultimately was glad I did.
    
    Now, I would say that lack of impulse control simply is not that attractive...  The fault lies, in general, almost completely with the party doing the 'cheating.'

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       pgrundyposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       Well, my ex was having affairs by the time I left him but I wasn't all that hurt about it because I was so fed up with him about so many other things that the affairs were kind of a relief, as in, oh good, let someone else deal with you now. Even so, he was a real dick about the divorce.
       
       But yeah, by the time he started fooling around the relationship was already dead in that water. I think it would hurt to be blindsided. I haven't had that happen but I know it does.

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          Leta Sposted 15 years agoin reply to this

          Well, it seriously was lack of impulse control with this one guy--and I was very young--first long term relationship.  You are very dumb when you are so in love for the first time...  He was also from a large Catholic family where all the men (he had many brothers) had a tendency to cheat...almost expected.  Had a lot to do with our ambitions as well--competing with each other.  I guess cheating was one way of being competitive!
          
          It's been years since we broke up...I still care about him... But--he doesn't have a wife or real girlfriend, still.  That's probably a good thing for everyone's sake.

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    Will Apseposted 15 years ago

    An affair is definitely a vote of no confidence. You might as well accept the inevitable.

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    C.S.Alexisposted 15 years ago

    I have tried it both ways. I think that once the trust is broken it is over most often.

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    Miss Matchposted 15 years ago

    Depends on the circumstances.I would consider these 3 circumstances;
    
    1.Am I really happy in this relationship?
    -Is this worth forgiving and fighting for.
    2.Am I at peace with the infidelity?
    -Theres no point getting back together if you keep bringing it up.
    3.Are there are children involved?
    -What is in their best interests, two unhappy parents or an unhappy single parent.

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    puppascottposted 15 years ago

    The relationship would definitely be over. There is nothing I can do to make somebody cheat. Cheating is a personal responsibility. If the relationship has broken down to the point where cheating is considered, do the right thing. End the relationship, and then go have the affair.

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       WitchofWavelandposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       With all due respect, PuppaScott, cheating is not a responsibility. It is a dumb, selfish, egoccentric, dirty act. Also, 2 wrongs don't make it right.

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          puppascottposted 15 years agoin reply to this

          You're right. Responsibility may have been the wrong word. The point I was trying to make is that cheating is a personal choice, and not the fault of the first partner. So rather than drag the first partner into a hurtful situation, end the first relationship before pursuing the affair.

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    tinkerbell09posted 15 years ago

    I've done that.  I had a few reasons as to why I cheated, but they didn't matter.  Did I know it was wrong?  Sure I did.  Since I started having sex, its been like a drug to me. Couldn't get enough for some reason.  My husband went over seas for an army tour and before he left I promised I would behave myself until he got back.  Didn't happen.  It took about 2 months before my weekness for sex took over and I cheated.  About a couple months after that, I got pregnant with my 1st child.  A beautiful little girl.  I told my husband about it and of course he wanted to jump through the phone and strangle me, but I told him.
    
    When he got back, I'd had my daughter by then, who he wanted me to give away in order for us to stay together, but I couldn't do it.  So he left.  He understood why I couldn't just leave her.  Then when he was stationed in the states, he asked me and my daughter to come live with him and he was ready to put all that behind him.  Now, we've been married going on 10 years and we also have a son together (yes, it's his) and I definately learned a lesson.  I'm a stronger person now and can control my urges to want to sleep with other men and the trust in our relationship has been renewed.
    
    I guess if I had to give a reason for why, again it wouldn't matter, but I wasn't ready to be married.  Sex wasn't a weekness between me and my husband but the separation made me crave any kind of affection.  That's my story.

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    annvansposted 15 years ago

    I would sure be gone.  No way that I would stay.  That would set the stage for me to put a halt on it all because cheating is not right.  I think if you get divorced because of cheating, the person who was the victim should not feel bad about leaving or divorcing. 
    
    I see no reason that I could stay since I would think it was going to happen again.  I can forgive and forget, but I do not want to see a repeat of those kind of actions.
    
    I have had boyfriends cheat and you can bet I did not stick around no matter what they said.  No reason to.

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    Marisa Wrightposted 15 years ago

    A successful marriage is based on trust.  If one party cheats, the other person will never completely trust them again. 
    
    As someone else posted, it's like a vase that has been broken and stuck together with glue - it may look the same, but the cracks are there, so there's always the chance it will break again. Maybe the cheater won't cheat again (although they often do) - it's just as likely that the other person will eventually crack under the constant, tiny, niggling fear of another betrayal, and walk out.

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