5 things you should do if he's cheating

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  1. profile image51
    abovenbehondposted 13 years ago

    1. Don’t put him out or leave him - yet.

    Instead of your first move, putting your husband out or leaving him should be your last resort. You may eventually decide to do this, but for now, it’s the worst thing you can do. Right now you need to keep a close eye on what’s going on. It’ll be easier to do that if the two of you are still living under the same roof. If you put him out or leave, you’ll be hard-pressed to know what he’s doing, short of hiring an investigator. As long as you’re still together, you can keep your finger on the pulse of his affair and gather some much-needed facts. There’s a lot you need to know about the situation before you can make an intelligent decision about what to do. Continue monitoring your husband’s activities, attitude, the frequency of his contact with his lover and any other details concerning his affair. Write everything down in a journal for future use. Also bear in mind that as long as he’s still there, you have a chance to work things out.

    2. Don’t tell the whole world about his infidelity.

    It’s natural to want to confide in somebody about your husband’s affair, or rally friends and family to your side. But be very cautious about who you tell. The female friend you confide in could turn out to be the “other woman." Make sure you’re confiding in someone you know you can trust. Confiding in a male friend about your husband’s affair could complicate the situation. There are men out there who take advantage of women when they’re in a vulnerable state. Telling your husband’s friends or family may not produce the results you want. They might not take you seriously, or they may lie, make excuses for him, take his side, or warn him to cover his tracks. Confiding in your own family and friends can eventually come back to haunt you. Elephants aren’t the only ones who never forget. Some people have a tendency to remember unpleasant events long after they’ve been resolved. If you and your husband decide to reconcile, they could make things difficult by harboring anger and hostility toward him for what he did to you. Or they may show resentment toward you for taking him back. Exercise caution in who you tell about your husband’s affair.

    3. Don’t ignore his affair or pretend it’s not happening.

    Going into denial will only make matters worse. As traumatic as it is to find out that your husband has been cheating, you need to face the reality of the situation. Ignoring his infidelity gives him the go-ahead to continue his affair. Pretending it’s not happening will make him think he’s getting away with his cheating, or give him the impression that he has your silent approval. At some point you should inform your husband that you know about his affair and make it clear that you want it to stop. The sooner you confront him about his cheating, the better. The longer you wait to bring it up and express your disapproval, the more attached he will become to the other woman. And the harder it will be to get your marriage back on track. Remember too, that affairs thrive in secrecy. Sometimes, just telling your husband you know about it, will be enough to put a stop to his affair.

    4. Don’t confront him without the 3 P’s – Proof, a Plan, and a Purpose.

    Most experts agree that you should confront your husband about his cheating. But you need to have a plan. Choose the time and place carefully so you can discuss the affair at length without interruption. DO NOT ask your husband if he’s cheating. CHEATERS ALWAYS LIE. Present the evidence you’ve gathered that proves he’s having an affair - names, dates, places, times, absences, phone calls, physical evidence, etc. Then ask him some pointed questions about his affair: why he did it, how it started, how long it’s been going on, how he feels about the other woman, what he intends to do now that you know. Listen carefully to his answers so you can accurately assess the situation. Then you’ll be able to make a wise decision about what course of action to take. DO NOT CONFRONT YOUR HUSBAND WITHOUT PROOF OF HIS INFIDELITY. To do so will be a colossal waste of time. Unless you can prove he’s been cheating, the information-gathering phase will never get off the ground. If you need proof, there’s a way for you to get it without hiring a detective or buying software or surveillance equipment. “Is He Cheating on You? - 829 Telltale Signs" will help you find all the proof you need using only your eyes and ears, your personal knowledge of your husband, and the information in this book.

    5. Don’t waste your time and energy on the other woman.

    One of the worst things you can do is become obsessed with the other woman. It’s natural for you to be curious about her, but she’s not worth your time and energy. Repeatedly questioning your husband about her, referring to her or dragging her name into the conversation puts the spotlight on her instead of on the real issues where it belongs. Don’t obsess over the details of what happened between the two them. Concentrate on working things out between the two of you. Do not humiliate or frustrate yourself by calling or confronting the other woman and demanding that she leave your husband alone. She’s not obligated to take orders from you. Harassing her or threatening her will put you on the wrong side of the law. Name-calling, criticizing or belittling the her will only make your husband come to her defense. You’ll be driving them closer together instead of forcing them apart Forget about the other woman and focus your energy and efforts on getting your marriage back on track.

    Will you end up sabotaging your marriage or saving it? The final outcome depends on the way you handle things when you first discover your husband’s affair. In the initial stages, you may be unsure exactly what you’re going to do. But at least you know what NOT to do. Whether you stay with your husband or leave him, avoiding these mistakes, leaves the way clear for whatever decision you eventually make.

    1. curlytree2009 profile image37
      curlytree2009posted 13 years agoin reply to this

      This is very helpful, I'm just thankful that I have the best husband in the whole world who supports all our needs, who's always there for me and my kid. AND who's not cheating on me. I trust him and that's why he doesn't want to do anything that would keep us apart. "The best proof of love is TRUST.." so you better trust your partner to be able to have a successful relationship. smile

      1. slimmedtony profile image60
        slimmedtonyposted 13 years agoin reply to this

        The best tip is.. live well. Cheater always a cheater..

      2. blondepoet profile image66
        blondepoetposted 13 years agoin reply to this

        Honestly I appreciate your thoughts and opinions and the time to write the list. However you just don't know what you are going to do until it happens to you.Everyone reacts different I guess.

        My five things I would do is;
        1. Listen to my heart sink.
        2. Go ropable with him.
        3. Say "take a hike Mike".
        4. Shed a tear in private while phoning to talk to a friend.
        5. Get my prawn shells ready for his curtain seams.

      3. profile image0
        Pani Midnyte Odinposted 13 years agoin reply to this

        1. Take him out to a cow pasture, pull his pants down, tie him up so he's in a permanently bent over position, and leave him for the calves to deal with.

        2. Cry for a little while.

        3. Go home, throw out all his stuff, and burn it on the lawn in a cleansing ritual.

        4. Shed a final tear.

        5. Move on with my life.

      4. profile image53
        windowwashingposted 13 years agoin reply to this

        This is a really good, calm way to handle something like this. if only it was that easy

      5. dashingscorpio profile image81
        dashingscorpioposted 8 years agoin reply to this

        1. If cheating is a "deal breaker" for you then you're not going care what he's doing!

        2. If you're leaving someone you don't have to hide the reason why. The only reason for not telling the  world is because you feel you may go back and then it makes it appear as if you have no pride or self-esteem.

        3. Ignoring problems helps them grow. There is no sense ignoring your mate is cheating unless you really don't care. Not everyone considers cheating to be a "deal breaker". Some folks are fine with it as long as their mate is discreet. Once again only you know if cheating is a "deal breaker" for you.  Bear in mind you can never control what another person does!

        4. Know yourself, Love yourself, Trust yourself
        If something doesn't feel right to you it's probably not right for you!
        Forget about playing detective or searching for clues. If you don't trust someone the relationship is over!

        Unless you have a history of being paranoid person with "trust issues" there is no reason why you shouldn't trust your gut! Don't ignore "red flags".

        Playing "gotcha" is nothing more than an ego exercise. If you know you're not going to leave the there is very little point in bringing up the matter. Leaving is your strongest "ultimatum".  This assumes he still gives a damn about you. A lot of cheaters are relieved to be caught so (they) can walk out! Not every cheater seeks forgiveness!

        5. I agree one shouldn't confront the "other" woman or whomever (unless) they are friend, family member, co-worker, or acquaintance. Clearly anyone who falls in of those categories knew about your relationship/marriage prior to engaging with your mate.

        "Will you end up sabotaging your marriage or saving it? "
        Actually I think your cheating mate is the one that sabotaged the marriage and the onus should be on him or her to "save it".!

        It's the cheater who should be demonstrating contrition, pleading for forgiveness, willing to be transparent, offering to go to therapy and so on.
        If you the betrayed person are "bending over backwards" to stay with the cheater it send them a message that love them more than you love yourself. That's how people end up becoming human doormats!

        "Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary." - Oscar Wilde

        Clearly if someone is cheating on you they don't think you're special!

        1. profile image53
          Tony villaposted 8 years agoin reply to this

          I cheated on my girlfriend now she don't trust me. I told her to just go ahead and cheat on me with a random guy ass payback I would take as a lesson. learned. I won't be mad. Is this a good idea ?

    2. blondepoet profile image66
      blondepoetposted 13 years ago

      I would simply just put prawn shells in the seams of his curtains. He will never guess where the smell is coming from.

    3. Fluffymetal profile image77
      Fluffymetalposted 13 years ago

      1.Beat his ass 2. Burn his shit 3.  Get laid 4. Get loaded 5.  Get rid of him

      1. blondepoet profile image66
        blondepoetposted 13 years agoin reply to this

        LMAO Fluffy.

        1. Fluffymetal profile image77
          Fluffymetalposted 13 years agoin reply to this

          I say this with experience

          1. blondepoet profile image66
            blondepoetposted 13 years agoin reply to this

            Good on you Fluffy I say the prawn shells from experience too. It isn't hard for me to do either as I am always eating prawns. It is a wonder I haven't turned into one yet.

            1. profile image53
              Tony villaposted 8 years agoin reply to this

              I have cheated in the past. I been with my new girlfriend for a year and I told my self I would never cheat and I did. I begged her to take me back and she was thank god nice enough to take me back. But now she doesn't trust me at all. I told her she should cheat on me with a random guy at a club im okay with it. Is that a good idea?

          2. calpol25 profile image59
            calpol25posted 13 years agoin reply to this

            I caught my ex cheating some years ago, he beat me up and put me in hospital, I did not care, he is serving a prison sentence and i'm married and happy with my husband of 6 years lol smile

            1. profile image0
              sneakorocksolidposted 13 years agoin reply to this

              No you're not.sad

            2. earnestshub profile image81
              earnestshubposted 13 years agoin reply to this

              Cool! Nice to see things work out as they should. smile

      2. profile image0
        sneakorocksolidposted 13 years agoin reply to this

        Fluffy tell us how you really feel! Don't hold back! Yikes!big_smile

      3. Patiopursuit profile image60
        Patiopursuitposted 13 years agoin reply to this

        find me lol

    4. habee profile image92
      habeeposted 13 years ago

      1. Glue his favorite body part to his belly with Superglue.

      2. Convince his guy pals he's gay.

      3. Sleep with his best friend.

      1. blondepoet profile image66
        blondepoetposted 13 years agoin reply to this

        Wooooo hoooooo you sound like you also speak from experience Habee.
        Geez is that why us three ladies are single?

      2. Missi Darnell profile image60
        Missi Darnellposted 13 years agoin reply to this

        Oh I like these suggestions!

    5. habee profile image92
      habeeposted 13 years ago

      I'm happily married, BP! I found a keeper on the second marriage go-round. ROFL

      1. figment profile image76
        figmentposted 13 years agoin reply to this


    6. Black Lilly profile image60
      Black Lillyposted 13 years ago

      Best revenge ever is to be happy. Not pretend to be, but really BE happy. Of course, you don't have to experience this alone, so let someone else (in the form of a new crush) help you.
      Worked every time for me.

    7. rebekahELLE profile image86
      rebekahELLEposted 13 years ago

      op, you should make your post into a hub.

      1. Lynda Gary profile image61
        Lynda Garyposted 13 years agoin reply to this

        I totally agree.  That's what I came here to post, but you beat me to it, bekah (seems like you always do; LOL)

    8. Greek One profile image62
      Greek Oneposted 13 years ago

      1. Acknowledge your role in his straying and apologies to him
      2. See what you can do to make yourself sexier in his eyes
      3. Take a cooking class or two... remember that the way to his heart is through his stomach
      4. Spend less more... nothing is more attractive than a frugal woman
      5. Invite the mistress to come over for dinner and a 3 some.. this is the best way to get closure

      (Please note that the above list is not intended to be a serious reply, or designed to solicit anger / death threats towards the author)

      1. Black Lilly profile image60
        Black Lillyposted 13 years agoin reply to this

        with regards to No.3 in this list:

        Women who think a way to man's heart goes through his stomach, aim a little bit too high wink

        (there is a shortcut)

        1. Greek One profile image62
          Greek Oneposted 13 years agoin reply to this

          belly button???

          1. Black Lilly profile image60
            Black Lillyposted 13 years agoin reply to this

            big_smile big_smile big_smile
            getting warmer...

            1. Greek One profile image62
              Greek Oneposted 13 years agoin reply to this

              lower intestine??

      2. WriteAngled profile image75
        WriteAngledposted 13 years agoin reply to this

        1. Fall in love with someone who is more attractive/intelligent/witty/sexy than your spouse,
        2. who adores you just as you are and values the fact you love him above all else,
        3. who has done a Cordon Bleu cookery course and loves cooking both for its creative aspect and as an expression of love,
        4. who enjoys taking you to fantastic places, organising surprises and finding treats for you, because your pleasure is his pleasure.
        5. Spend extended vacations away, until the blessed day you come back and find spouse has vanished, leaving the way open for an infinitely more satisfying relationship of mutual affection, giving and sharing than you ever thought possible.

        Nearly four years later: we've been through some exceedingly tough times, but have supported each other throughout. Our life is now entering a state of peace, and our love is stronger than ever.

        1. Lynda Gary profile image61
          Lynda Garyposted 13 years agoin reply to this

          well said! smile

      3. Rochelle Frank profile image91
        Rochelle Frankposted 13 years agoin reply to this

        This Is probably not the first time a dislaimer has saved a life.

        1. Ohma profile image61
          Ohmaposted 13 years agoin reply to this

          I second that!

      4. Disturbia profile image62
        Disturbiaposted 13 years agoin reply to this

        Hate to tell you this Greek One but your #2 suggestion of making yourself sexier in his eyes is not worth the breath it takes to say those words.  My husband cheated on me with a woman that looked old enough to be my mother.  She was homely, frumpy, and over weight.  While I was waiting for him in bed undressed to the max in my finest Frederick's, he was online making a date with this ugly bettie.  The worst part is I would have been just fine with inviting her over to dinner and having the 3-some!  But he felt he had to sneak around behind my back, sell me short, and humiliate me the stupid poop.  As far as spending less money, well I've got all the money I can spend and more and mostly I spend it on him, so that suggestion might work for somebody else.  wink

        1. Greek One profile image62
          Greek Oneposted 13 years agoin reply to this

          i'm not really sure any of the suggestions should be adopted lol

          1. Disturbia profile image62
            Disturbiaposted 13 years agoin reply to this

            Dang, you're right on top of things aren't you!  LOL!

      5. myownworld profile image73
        myownworldposted 13 years agoin reply to this

        lol  ( in spite of myself...! )

    9. profile image53
      vickyrangwaniposted 13 years ago


    10. LaVieja profile image60
      LaViejaposted 13 years ago

      Get rid.

    11. aliraza786 profile image58
      aliraza786posted 13 years ago

      thanks dear//////////////////////////////////////////////

    12. Inspiration101 profile image60
      Inspiration101posted 13 years ago

      I'd never stay and try to 'work things out' with someone who was cheating on me. I deserve better than that. I'd:

      1) Leave
      2) Get tested

      'tis all.

      1. najiibah profile image55
        najiibahposted 13 years agoin reply to this

        i agree with you because if he is cheating then he is loser!
        Maybe we deserve a better person!

    13. Shadesbreath profile image77
      Shadesbreathposted 13 years ago

      Cheating is the center of unbearable pain.

      Life is complicated.

      Human frailty underpins all the major religions.

      Blanket "answers" simplify the complexity of human relationships that have as many facets as there are humans.

      Simple answers are the haven of the wounded and the simple.

      Life is complicated.

      Point:  Don't blow up someone's relationship with advice based in bitterness born of singular experience.

    14. profile image0
      reeltaulkposted 13 years ago

      Leave, Leave, Leave, Leave, Leave

    15. Chloe Comfort profile image59
      Chloe Comfortposted 13 years ago

      My husband knows EXACTLY what I'd do to him if he EVER cheated on me. Can't really detail it here but suffice it to say - it ain't pretty and he does fear it.

    16. prettydarkhorse profile image57
      prettydarkhorseposted 13 years ago

      If I have a proof,

      I will sleep with him one more time
      Then I will say thank you for the memories and goodbye
      Then tell him, I hope you remember what you lost
      Then I will pack his things nicely with a ribbon
      And kiss him, and say ADIOS!

      When he is gone, I will cry but remember what I had

      my mother always tell me, if a man makes you cry, he is not for you because if he is for you, he will never make you cry

      Then I will put my chin up and go with life again

      Three men cheated on me, but life is still beautiful, thanks to all of them!

      1. profile image51
        catchmybluffposted 13 years agoin reply to this

        nice words smile pretty dar horse

        1. Greek One profile image62
          Greek Oneposted 13 years agoin reply to this

          I like the part about "I will sleep with him one more time"!

          1. prettydarkhorse profile image57
            prettydarkhorseposted 13 years agoin reply to this

            In remembrance of me! hehe

    17. Dolores Monet profile image94
      Dolores Monetposted 13 years ago

      Move the money. Clear out joint bank accounts and set up your own at another bank. Keep your passbook in a bank security box. If he is cheating, he may cheat you out of your money too.

    18. Mikel G Roberts profile image74
      Mikel G Robertsposted 13 years ago

      If She is the Cheater:

      1. Deal with your emotional pain like a grown up, anything less and you get to go to jail.
      2. Get your stuff and bank account out before you confront her because the Laws are all slanted in her favor.
      3. Prepare yourself for the loss of your kids which you will not be able to keep with you and learn how to cope with your children loving her and hating you, because you left.
      4. Accept the blame for everything, because it is obviously all your fault.
      5. Pay her and her boyfriend at least half what you earn for the rest of your life.


    19. Muktu profile image60
      Muktuposted 13 years ago

      Get Nike to make you a creepy commercial where your Dad's ghost asks if you've learned anything.

    20. Supatrupa profile image60
      Supatrupaposted 13 years ago

      oh my what a long list.. I'll stick with my original plan.. join the army and forget about him ...

    21. Miss Info profile image70
      Miss Infoposted 13 years ago

      check out my hub "spectrum love" i love contraversy, so if you're going to leave a comment. it should make me think ; )

    22. Disturbia profile image62
      Disturbiaposted 13 years ago

      Speaking from first hand experience:

      1. you can boot him out the door and change the locks


      2. you can forgive him and do what it takes to work it out, get over it, and get on with your relationship.   

      Anything else is just a truck load of crap!  And revenge doesn't work, you just make an idiot of yourself and feel like a fool when you come back to your senses.

    23. TheBigWoo profile image60
      TheBigWooposted 13 years ago

      If your partner is cheating, you should have a look at yourself and ponder what your did to deserve this. Is the partner just a bastard/slut or were they looking to fill in a hole (no pun intended) you weren't fulfilling? Its always easier to blame everyone else then to look at ourselves.

    24. profile image52
      spytoappposted 7 years ago

      If you want to track someone via cell phone, I think you should choose SpyToApp. It is a monitoring software is very effective, and is free to use again. I'm using this software, I feel very excited with what it brings. It's like solving a burden in my life.

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