My daughter is going through a phase where she is lying a lot. It's not about big stuff, and she's pretty honest about if she does wrong things. But she will lie to try to get her way. I am trying to figure out how to get over this hump.
Go along with the lie and turn it into something that scares her.
You-Were you eating the cookies dear?
daughter-No Mommy (obviously a lie)
You- Good, because they were all poisoned, and the last little girl that ate them had to get stuck in the face with needles.
LOL... actually, my husband uses this method. It doesn't come natural to me. He believes strongly in, treat ridiculousness with ridiculousness.
Well, I will add that any method you decide to use should be the same as your husbands. That way your daughter doesn't think she can get away with more from either one of you.
We back each other up and we discuss what punishments we should use. He more or less uses the ridiculousness for ridiculousness when it comes to stuff like saying her tummy hurts because she doesn't want to eat what we are having. He then treats her like her stomach hurts, sends her to bed, no music, no books, etc. She always comes out within minutes fully recovered.
There is no time for crap these days. Every wrong must carry a consequence and that principle is vital to teach a child. We live in a heavily "consumer" society. We like tangible objects and consider them sacred and "ours." When a child is caught in something unbecoming of them they should have something of theirs taken away - permanently. Sure, this is very tough love but it does work and does get the point across. My children did not grow up perfect, but they did grow up respecting parents and others. They also quickly learned an essential lesson of life - all action carries with it a consequence.
It's the accepted and promoted style to be permissive and passive parents. To not be harsh like some of our parents and most grandparents is the preferred method of parenting. This is dangerous and leads children to not only test their boundaries but to also expand them. Right and wrong become gray areas in which they become desensitized and feel no difference between them.
I think all kids go through it aat some stage. Mum and Dad have to be a bit cleverer I think, My son was not a teller of the truth, and even when he was a little boy, I managed to "trick" him often. I rememebr when he used his father's razor and "shaved" cutting himself in the process. When I asked how his face got cut, I guess, but he denied it. So I turned and walked away saying that it was good that he had not used Daddy's razor as Daddy put special stuff on his face to stop great horns growing through any cuts. I quickly got a confession and used Dad's aftershave to save him from the embarrassment of horns!! Stung a bit too!!!
Let your daughter know that lying is not good. Find an example (there's probably a child's story book with a moral to it!
My youngest child is 5 (almost 6), and we've recently been up against the lying game, too. Ours are similar stories, as my daughter lies to please someone or get attention. I am always sure to tell her that our family doesn't lie and that it will teach others not to beleive her. Our faith plays a HUGE role in this issue as well. As much as children don't want to disappoint their parents, I find that ours are disappointed in themselves when they've disobeyed God. We reinforce and carry out real world consequences (if they lie about watching a prohibitted t.v.show~they lose their t.v. pivilege...etc.). When the consequence fits the crime, they'll gradually get the message.
I teach preschool, so you can imagine that I hear a lot of lies from my students. Children are GREAT little liars, actually they are very creative liars. I've yet to stop being amazed by the creativity of their lies. I try to keep my smile in check when being faced with one of my little darling's lies. This is sometimes very hard to do especially when you have an assistant teacher behind you laughing at the obvious outrages lie. So what do you I do when faced with this predicament. First off know that they can be very stubborn and want to keep this lie up, after all the lie serves a purpose for them. Read below for some of my suggestions.
1. Give them the benefit of the doubt, they MAY be telling the truth, this builds a working relationship with your student/child.
2. Repeat what the child told you back to them [so what you are telling me is blah blah blah.] is that what really happened?
3. Make sure you have eye contact with them when questioning what they are telling you.
4. NO observers around while your investigating the situation.
5. Trust but verify what they are telling you. Bring in eye witnesses but question them separately.
6. Give them a chance to tell you the truth after investigating.
7. When children can trust you they will eventually tell you the truth.
8. I never discipline a child who comes clean, we just talk about what else they could of done instead of telling a lie.
9. Remember you want teachable moments not punishment to win.
10. If all else fails...send them to Rikers Island, This always works on Law and Order and the suspect talks.hahahahahahah
When you realised she is lying for nothing, you must analyse, which circumstances makes her to lie. Instead directly attacking, say repeately telling that she is lying or punishing, start teaching morale by referring nearby good pupils and their sucess by telling the truth.Start with this.Call her friends,and try to aanalyse how many of her friends pushing her to do that habit. Be patient. Be positive. Observe closely. Habit can be changed.
We started reading to our girls from the time they were born and we chose our books carefully. The Bernstein Bears have great books about things kids should learn. Telling the truth, respecting others, etc.
How old is she?
A friend of mine went through this with her teenage daughter. She quit lying when she realized it was too hard to keep things straight and her friends always called her out on it. She decided it just wasn't worth it.
I doubt they all fix themselves that easily though.
I say call her out on it and then punish her for it.
Tell her people dont like liars.
But don't listen to me, i'm not a parent.
At six it seems more like a desire to please. Perhaps the lies seem like a good idea to her. Make sure she realizes that lying disappoints you. Kids hate being a disappointment to their parents. At the same time, I think praising her when she's honest is a good reinforcement. Let her know how proud you are of her good behavior.
I agree with everything KCC said. Great advice!
I don't know what else to add .. maybe tell/read her the story about the boy who cried wolf and discuss the consequences of lying? You can also maybe talk with her and come up with other ways to get what she wants without resort to lying.
About all I've been able to do so far with my 4 1/2 year old is if I catch him in a lie, I sit him down and explain how people shouldn't lie. He often lies because he's afraid of getting in trouble, but I let him know that the lie will get him in much more trouble than whatever he did. There are times that he lies in order to get what he wants, and it's pretty easy to catch him at it..."Did you ask Victor?" "Yes." "If I ask him if you asked, will he tell me you did?" followed by downcast eyes or a cheerful "No." Then I'll ask him why he lied to me and back to "people shouldn't lie." However, a 6-year-old may have learned a few better ways to get around things, so that may not be helpful at all .
All kids do it... Don't worry, just tell her to tell the truth when you catch her...
I just read an article a few days ago that said the children who lie the most end up being the most successful as adults, I just wish I could remember where it was... one of the UK newspapers..
Lol, I can certainly believe that the children who lie the most successfully become the most successful adults, a lousy liar won't be getting anywhere....my husband's oldest daughter rarely ever lied, but she had such a knack for talking around the truth he was just certain she'd become a top lawyer.
Because they had the freedom to lie . Every child lies betwwen 6-8 years of age. It's a phase. But make sure she gets it that you know what's she's about. Don't punish.
I find that interesting, because I am an extremely honest adult, so when my CEO employer said, "Well, everyone lies to get themselves out of trouble, to some degree." I was kind of shocked! I don't lie. I'm not saying, I've never lied, but I am honest to a fault. As a general rule, I don't lie, and I expect others to be honest with me. I think to assume everyone lies to get themselves out of trouble, means you must lie to get yourself out of trouble, if you assume everyone else does as well.
I'm applying for work in a new supermarket. I've never worked in a supermarket in my life, but obviously the employers are looking for experienced workers. Everyone says I should make up a resume to say I've had years of experience working in supermarkets. But I'm not a liar, I couldn't pull that one off!
When I was in primary school, our teacher made us all write "Honesty is the best policy" 100 times.
I've never forgotten it.
That's why I'm poor today and not a head of industry!
http://www.fox40.com/news/headlines/ktx … 9972.story
Several versions of this story out there..
I think the best way to teach truth telling, is to be an obvious truth teller by example. At six a child may get confused by lies and white lies. I would maintain the standard that lying is unacceptable and a disappointment. One other thing, I would not give the child an opportunity to lie - don't ask her if she broke something when you saw her breaking it. It reinforces that the truth cannot hide. Good luck, Holly
just let her know she doesn't have to tell lies. but know that all kids do, so don't get crazy about it. let her know in a nice kind of way, "mommy can tell when you're lying. I have a special mommy brain... I like it when you tell me the truth."
they're usually lying if they feel they're going to be in trouble, or if they want something, so keep that in mind with your parenting style. or some people bring religion into the picture and say god will be upset. not really the best way to handle it.
a young child needs to know in concrete terms, not abstract, what something means. some kids lie and turn into bigger liars and cheats when they grow up, we've all met them. people who feel they have to impress by lying. that fox new blurp was a little shallow if you ask me.
She actually doesn't lie to get herself out of trouble, she's generally honest with that. But she'll lie to please me, or to impress people. She'll even lie if she wants something.
I always found children are more scared of 'the bad fire' than they are of being found out for lying. So you just say "if you don't tell me the truth, you will go to the bad fire". Works every time
Actually, she's been doing really good for a couple of days. I have caught her in two possible lies. But they were more storytelling type lies, and they weren't consequential.
My grandson (6) lies more than he tells the truth. Sometimes to avoid punishment, sometimes to get what he wants. But often I think he lies just to say something, anything, to get attention - to participate in a conversation. Unfortunately I have become convinced that he often convinces himself that the lie was true. Basically whatever he wants to be true, IS true. I sometimes wonder if he, at 6 years, comprehends what the word lie means.
I call him on it incessantly, to the point I have made it clear to him that I seldom believe anything he says. It seems to have helped a bit, but I sure feel awful when I'm wrong, and he really was telling the truth.
We can't get adults to stop lying I don't think at her young age the little lies you've mention aren't alarming to me. As she get's older she's have a better understanding of the importants of lying.
I'm going to track down that 50 foot rabbit in the neighbor-see you later.
Gosh, it's been so long, I don't really remember what I did...but I do know I didn't have too big of a problem with it. I guess I would say you have to know your child.
I had one who never lost anything yet told her teacher (a lie) she had lost her homework.
I had another who had an excellent sense of humor and tried to get me to believe some wild stories that were obviously not true, but I can't say he ever lied.
The third was also honest although I caught him with a stolen pack of gum at the age of 3 years and took him back to the store immediately to return it. The third is now 16 and I occasionally think he's bending the truth but he's such a good kid I give him the benefit of the doubt unless I were to discover something he said to be untrue.
(which I did once - he skipped school one day & called me 20 mins before school let out to tell me he wanted to go to a friends house & could I pick him up later. I knew he was lying because cell phones aren't allowed to be used in class! - when I pulled up next to him to pick him up from where he was - without his backpack - he got in the car and started crying and apologizing.)
Honestly, she's going to be a good kid. I have no doubt about it. I just wish she wouldn't lie.
I understand - my point was to know your child in order to stop the lies.
(I also have a niece who is a pathological liar and has spent time in prison, twice - her mother didn't take the time to get to know her, but rather raised her by telling her who she was)
The best way to teach your child not to lie is by making sure you never lie yourself. Sometimes us parents don't realize that we are teaching the kids to lie when, for example, the phone rings and you tell your husband to say your are not home in front of your kid.
Kids copy what they see and hear. Watch what input your kid is getting from TV. Make sure to pow wow whatever movie she watches if there are behaviours you don't want her to emulate. If nothing is said, the kid understands that it is ok.
Praise her when she says the truth. Tell her that you will always give her credit for saying the truth, even if she gets in trouble for wrong doing.
Don't over react if she lies. We all do. Tell her the story of "Wolf, wolf!" The little shepherd boy that kept calling Wolf when there was no wolf,so that the villagers would come and give him some attention, and then when the real wolf came and ate the sheep, nobody came to the rescue because they didn't believe him anymore.
Im not sure about children, but ive been living with an adult who would tell fibs to cover up self esteem issues. Sometimes this really got to me. I would believe and up to 3 months later he would say "I didnt say that," I then started to write down what he said when I thought he was telling me a fib and ask him to sign it.. after that, not to many lies.
I usually looked at why the lie, as most things can be managed if you are honest. There is sometimes self interest and that can be worked with and trust developed...
I have once or twice told a fib to show him that I could do it too.. and that worked well to show that if he uses fibs others could too, I saw eyes becoming very wide and the jaw drop.. yet after that we both had an understanding. He knows I wouldnt lie to be mean, but I showed him what it felt like when someone does that.. and he knows that I now know the game, yet generally choose not to play it.
I agree with a lot of the advice here, and with the fact that children truly do go through this phase, and as long as it is treated in the proper manner, they grow out of it much like they grew into it.
(I'm not saying it should be ignored, or dismissed as a "phase", children need to understand that actions have consequences. But, the perspective of it being something common makes us a little less hard on ourselves as parents, I think.)
Whoever mentioned "The Boy Who Cried Wolf", I think made a great suggestion. I have a 5 yr old son, who is generally very honest, but, like your child, will occassionally fib... usually because he doesn't want to disappoint me and his dad. We've done this story several times, and talked about it... And then, I've related it to his actions.
For example, for some reason (I suppose the fact that he's a little boy. lol.) he hates washing his hands. He wasn't exactly lying about it, but he was just standing in front of the mirror playing w/ the water, and not washing. I caught him a few times, and we talked about the fact that I was disappointed and that now I couldn't trust him to tell the truth, and related it back to the Wolf story.
Along the lines of "knowing your child" because I know he usually fibs to avoid making someone upset, I used this instance to explain how I was so sad that I couldn't trust him and show him how upset I was. That night, he burst into tears asking me how long it would be until I trusted him again. As much as I wanted to hug him and tell him I already did, I was very serious and told him that I didn't know, and I supposed it would depend on whether or not he told me any more lies. I explained that lying is hurtful, and that once trust is broken, it takes a LOOOONG time to earn it back. And, that trust truly is something that is earned. It had a pretty big impact.
(Just a side note, I also did reassure him that night that, although I was upset and disappointed, I was no longer angry, and that I loved him very much. It is very important to teach our kids to do the right thing, but I feel it is equally important to teach them that they can always count on us if they mess up. When he's a teen, and makes a bad decision, I want him to know that I might be mad, but that I will always support him and love him. And, that as long as he comes to me with his problems, I will do my best to help him fix his choices. Kind of cirlces back to why its so important to tell the truth.)
Good luck, and don't sweat it, the fact that you are here asking for advice and expressing concern demonstrates that you are an involved and active parent who loves her child. And, kids of those kinds of parents are the ones that do just fine!
This thread is great - I hear all the time too that everyone lies. People actually get upset with me for not lying when it's in my own interest. I'm not a liar!
Kids all go through this as a stage so we can teach them about it. They do it constantly for a while, get the same response again and again and therefore learn the lesson. The problem is siblings get into the mix and confuse them entirely! My poor little 4 yr old grandson has a tenuous grasp on reality because his 6 yr old sister tells him things and persuades him it's true. He's still basically at the stage where saying the words makes it real and tries it all the time.
catch then in a lie and punish them swfitly! A lady in south fl had her 7 year old arrested (cant remember for what), that will definatly leave a mark.
I have a lot of experience in this area, I used to be a BIG liar myself as a child. I find that the best way to put a stop to it is to embarrass them about it. Don't brush it under the rug, that's the worst you could do. It stopped my son early on and he tells the truth no matter what the consequences.
Sometimes we know they are lying. And when this is the case, I let her know that she can tell me anything good or bad. I tell her that if she tells me something and it is not true, she is going to get into a lot more trouble than if she tells me the truth. The key is building total trust with your child. In your case if your child is trying to get what she/he wants tell them that if your just lying to get your way, there will be absolutely no chance of it ever happening.
There was a program on television some time during the last few years. (It may have been Nightline, but I'm not sure.) Anyway, they were talking about children between 4 and 6 lying. They said how that's a stage of development when children are sorting out reality, fantasy, truth, lies, etc. etc. They actually said a four- year old (maybe even five, again, I forget) who lies is actually advanced in this type of development. In other words, six is a big age for going through that stage.
I actually remember going through what must have been that stage, myself. I played with the little boy next door, and he wasn't the "swiftest" kid in the world. I didn't have these words, but I remember trying to engage him in fantasy-type play. I'd tell him there was a horse in our basement, or once I told him we had a little train in our basement, and little kids could ride in it. My stories/fantasy were so ridiculous this little kid who didn't have a lot of imagination got angry at me, went and asked my father, and got my father going on a whole big thing about how I wasn't going to have any friends if I became "known as a liar". (I was FOUR!! )
If my father had known better, what he should have done was say to the kid, "No, there's no horse in the basement. She's just trying to play pretend, because she thought it would be fun." Other than my father laying it on thick about how "nobody would like me", I wasn't punished. I just outgrew the phase and grew up to be about as honest as anyone.
I remember thinking how I could get this get to join in the play. I didn't have "fantasy" or "make-believe" in my mind at the time; but I was thinking how much fun it was to imagine these things and how much fun it was when another child would join in. I just kind of assumed this kid would get what I was doing and join in (or at least appreciate what I was presenting). Thinking back, I realize I knew what I told that kid wasn't true, but I also knew that if I said, "Hey, let's play make-believe," it "wouldn't be as good". I just assumed he'd know what I was doing and not think I was trying to get him to believe what I was saying.
I think if you have a four-to-six-year old who tells whoppers apparently "for the entertainment value", you ought to just say something like, "Oh - it's fun to imagine that kind of story, isn't it. You do need to make sure when you tell that kind of story that the other person knows you're just enjoying the fun of imagining; because sometimes if someone doesn't know that's what you're doing they'll think you're just lying, and....." (and then give the reasons that lying isn't good). That kind of approach lets the child you know you understand that it's his age, that his whopper didn't fly with you, that he's working out and enjoying fantasy, that you don't think "his soul will be blackened forever" with his "evil lying".
Children need adults to help them understand why it is they seem to "mess up", because they're too little to understand why they do some things (until they grow up, become old enough to see why they did something, and realize it wasn't because they were "evil" or because they had some "flaw" in their four-year-old "character".
Chances are they'll still lie for different reasons as they get older; but even then, they need someone to let them know that while the lie won't fly, parents understand that kids "mess up" because they're not always mature enough to resist telling a lie. Parents can choose appropriate consequences, but kids do need someone who helps them understand that they aren't "inherently flawed" or that their parents don't think they're "headed for prison" when they mess up and lie.
Sometimes it's kids who have no respect for their parents who don't bother to lie, because they don't care if they disappoint their parents or if they're parents think less of them for having done something they shouldn't.
So, I think the best way to teach him is to let him know (with compassion and understanding) that you don't believe the lie, and to talk about the differences between lies, truth, and fantasy. If he's normal he'll still lie over the course of his childhood, but he'll grow up knowing lying is wrong and eventually be secure enough not to lie. If a lot of people remember being a child and telling a lie (of the non-fantasy-stage variety) they'll often also remember how rotten they felt to have felt "pushed into" lying. They don't feel good about themselves (which is just their conscience and wish to do what's right kicking in), and eventually they'll get a better grip on resisting the urge to go with a lie. Parents who are particularly and unreasonably tough on kids are more likely to get little liars than parents who are more reasonable and understanding.
Make more of it. In a spirit of play exaggerate the lie. Resist it, punish them, you make them wrong you stick them in it. They will resist being "caught" and will make themselves right by digging themselves in deeper with another lie to cover the first. Role play the lie, make more of it, have some fun with it - they will catch on how silly it is to lie and how futile. The other thing that you can gently point out to them about lying is that other people may not know you have lied but you know and you're the one you have to live with. I used to tell my children - say and do things that make it easy for you to like yourself. People who lie have a very hard time liking themselves.
When I was growing up, my dad always seemed to know if I'd fibbed about somewthing (because come on, children are horrible liars). He always confronted me and then told me, there's no point lying because I will ALWAYS find out. This scared me to death because it seemed to be true, thus, I never told another fib. I figured he already knew the truth anyways! lol
MOMMY : Liars go to hell- Hell is hot ,Super HOT.Do you want to go there?
MOMMY : then tell the truth,you will go to heaven-- You can play all year round in heaven.
Usually kids lie when they are afraid to be punishment. So, if for example, kids have made something wrong, but tell the truth it makes sense for parents not to punish them. So, kids will know that it is better not to lie and tell the truth to avoid punishment.
Lying is indicative of a child's maturity and the level of health in the relationship to the adult involved. If the child is warmly, strongly attached to the parent, then it is going to be real hard and in fact not feel right to lie to that adult. Every child has the devil in them, it is simply how safe do they feel to come and tell us about it. Yes, knowing they will get punished will encourage them to hide it. If mommy or daddy is understanding and helps them work it out for next time, then you are giving them the psychological rest they need to grow.We grow in rest ( ie: sleep) not under duress.The brain functions differently under stress than rest.Know also that you are also protecting the relationship with the child in this way and that that is THE most important factor in all of this.
The thing that worked with me was the telling of the "Little Boy who Cryed Wolf" story - and the horrible consequences of his lie. It really stuck with me and it worked. Also, if you model good behaviors your child will want to be like you - if you don't lie and you let her know why you don't, then she'll be more likely not to lie. Otherwise, let her find out what the consequences will be when no one trusts her!
all of these are lesson for me as a new parent.
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