Friendship

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   shashigaiposted 15 years ago

   i have had a good time writing hubs but now something scary has happened - someone wants to be my friend.
   i know this sounds bizarre but i have asperger's so i don't know much about friendship. is it as easy as saying you will be friends? i have watched people who say they are friends and there seems to be a lot to do. i don't know how it would work online. i belong to an asperger's forum and when i talked there about not having friends i was surprised because two people said they were my friends. i am not sure what i did to deserve it. also i thought friendship was kind of a contract, where people agree on it. i didn't know someone could just make you a friend. that feels like a scary relationship i had once where someone i thought was going to be a friend said, ok, now you are my boyfriend.
   sorry to say this is not a joke. i would like some help and i didn't know where else to post this.

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2. 61

   LegendaryN8posted 15 years ago

   Friends are strange people sometimes.
   
   There are people that I would call "friends" who I hardly ever see.
   
   The best thing on how to identify someone as a friend is to consider your level of disclosure to them and their disclosure to you.  Friends are people who can be "real" around and they can be "real" around you.  Since many people here seem to be "real" here, it would be easy to make a friend or two here without much trouble.
   
   Romantically, having someone regard you as a "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" is not uncommon.  It happens quite a lot actually!  Sometimes, it happens when two people are intimate, and one interprets intimacy with romantic (love) interest.  Not everyone puts the two together.
   
   If it confuses you, this is understandable... many of us get friendships and romance confused.

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3. 60

   shashigaiposted 15 years ago

   in this case i am not worried about romance - i just want to do the right thing so i can keep the friends i make. it is a lot easier for me to talk to people via the internet so i am exited to have someone to talk to, but one of the characteristics of asperger's is that quite often we talk someone to death without ever noticing that glazed look in the other person's eyes...
   and i know there is more than just talking. but i am going to try that idea of measuring disclosure, because that is another asper trait - all or nothing disclosure.
   
   oy. i guess this is work. but i already know it's worth it.

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   rmshdcposted 15 years ago

   making online friends has become very easy.  I have about 600 friends in facebook.  but there are there just to exchange greetings on occasions and send virtual hugs and kisses.  But to me real friends are need one understand one inner feelings and is there to listen to you on both good times and bad times with equal interest and genuinly feel happy or sad (as the situation is) along with you.
   
   But to raise to level of a trusted friend, you need to explore.  In the sea of 600 odd friends facebook friends, there emerged two really very good friends.  they are concern when I am not around for a long time.  they send greetings at the smallest happiness in my life.
   
   well I can go on writing, but I am afraid I am deviating from subject matter of the discussion?  I love my friends u see!
   

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   Jollyhollyposted 15 years ago

   I am new to this website and just learned about the asperger's issue. i did not know of this disease. Perhaps and this is only a suggestion that you write about that. Once again since I am new you might have already done so.
   
   Like previously stated friends can be strange. A friend to me is someone you can call on in an emergeny . For example if you are stuck on the highway at 4 in the morning. See who comes to your rescue.

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   1. 60

      shashigaiposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      people at my job have often come to my rescue, but they never invite me to go out (partly because i don't drink alcohol). that is one thing i think friends do - eat together. sometimes i get food when people order out because i think it helps them think i am friendly, but it doesn't seem to work.
      
      i have written a number of hubs on aspergers. there seem to be a significant number of people with autism or who have children with autism here but i am not sure how to meet them. i don't want to comment on their sites just to make friends. i would rather have something substantive to say.
      
      welcome to hubpages anyway. i am relatively new here too - only 6 weeks.

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6. 61

   LegendaryN8posted 15 years ago

   I feel like I can relate to you.  I don't have Aspergers, but I understand what you mean by having something substantive to say in conversation with someone.  Through my childhood and most of my teenage years, I had difficulty making friends.  I couldn't really identify with anyone, and I was really shy.

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   tonks21posted 15 years ago

   I understand this problem. I have very few friends and can't seem to make any online. One person who calls me her friend only contacts me when she wants to brag about something great in her life. When I used to have a job people would talk to me - but they never wanted to hang out with me. I can be shy at times - but I am very sociable. To me a good friend is someone who will want to hear about your life and someone you can easily relate to. Maybe that's why I have very few friends. But at least I have a wonderful husband - he is my best friend!

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8. 60

   shashigaiposted 15 years ago

   You see, this is exactly what I mean. The internet should be a place where I can meet enough people to still have friends, but since everyone, and everyone's idea of friendship is different, that makes it even harder.
   I even joined a couple of forums for people with Asperger's. I did make a few friends, in fact four to be exact, but one doesn't talk to me much any more and always has an excuse, and the other two only interact with me on forums (though I suspect one reads my livejournal blog). I guess I need to be more open with people about my idea of friendship to see if I find some matches.

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   1. 60

      countrywomenposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      Well I never knew of asperger and was researching about it. I found this info: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asperger_syndrome
      
      As you mentioned "my idea of friendship" it seems that you would prefer someone who understands you better. To relate to your issue I would just give an example. Sometimes I have seen some American men understand me better than a few Indian woman who don't(who should at least be able to relate to me better).  It actually differs from individual to individual based on various factors like open mind, understanding of each other and so on. I hope you do make some friends with whom you can connect and communicate freely. Have a great day.

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