My husband is an alcoholic. His pay slips now reads net pay $21.65/month. Should

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   ngurecoposted 14 years ago

   My husband is an alcoholic. His pay slips now reads net pay $21.65/month. Should I divorce him?
   
   We have been married for 17 years. He has taken many loans resulting in a net pay of $21.65 per month. He can take three days without coming home. We have three children. His heart is kind but he can’t stop drinking. If he gets money you can’t see him again until the money is all finished. Should I divorce him?

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   reikialposted 14 years ago

   What springs to my mind immediately is: why on earth would you stay; what's in it for you and your poor kids. Alcoholics are immune to all forms of help and they will lead you a merry dance, or not so merry in your case, as long as they get away with it. They are not immune to consequences, unless of course they are protected from them. Once the consequences become enough and the pain of drinking becomes too great then when the alcoholic genuinely desires help, all treatment becomes viable. As long as you protect him then nothing will change except your age.

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   Curly65posted 14 years ago

   I think you should ask yourself if this relationship is worth saving! Is it so bad that you want to leave? You have stayed for 17 years! Are you fed up? Are you willing to start thinking about your own issue's instead of his? Hmmm, these are personal choices!

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   Bluestemposted 14 years ago

   Has your husband tried Alcoholics Anonymous? I've heard from a number of people that it actually works, even if a person relapses multiple times.
   
   Have you tried marriage counseling? Have you tried to convey to your husband that his selfish addiction is tearing your family apart? Have you spoken to your children about any of this? Do you still love him? I don't know if you're a religious type, but pastors are frequently helpful with these issues.
   
   Divorce is expensive and as a child of divorced parents, extremely painful for children to bear, especially if they're young. Children need both parents.
   
   But ultimately, you can't remain in a relationship with a person who devotes more time and energy to the bottle than his family. Move out, take the kids, but don't take that final step to divorce. Tell him that he's got to enroll in a program to get his drinking under control or it's over.

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   LeslieAdrienneposted 14 years ago

   Wow....what a mess. I was married twice and I was divorced twice.  Who can tell you what to do? What is in your heart? What lies below the hurt, anger and fear?
   
   If you have to ask us if you should divorce him then there is still something in you that wants to save your marriage.You love him and if he quit drinking you would stay.
   
   Many would say that you are a co-dependent and you are; but so is everyone who is married. Many would say that you are an enabler to his addiction. Maybe you are and maybe you aren't.
   
   One thing is sure, if you make your decision based on the opinions of an online community than you will regret it always. It wouldn't matter if you were told to stay or to leave, you would blame others.
   
   This is  hard place and the only one who can help  you out and tell you what to do is the Lord. If you really want the truth, you are going to have to forgive your husband for all of the hurt and distrust that he has caused and then you need to get before the Lord Jesus and pray. If Jesus is your Lord and Savior, He will guide you into all truth by His Spirit.
   
   You will be in my prayers.

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   donotfearposted 14 years ago

   Do you want to divorce him? Would your life be better if you did? Obviously you can't depend on his income & you've been living somehow.  This isn't good for the kids or you. Alcoholism is a dreadful addiction. What would be best for everyone, you included?

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   mander061506posted 14 years ago

   Well to be honest with you my mother had 5 children and she stayed around until his drinking got to that point.  I was 12 years old.....and I will never forget that he wouldnt come home for days or my mom was crying because we had no food.  Honestly this person has not put you and the children before the booze.  You should no longer put him before yourself and your children.  By staying around you are allowing him to keep on with this escapade.  Are you happy? If not then quit doing this to yourself and your children.  He made up his mind where his priorities are.....where are yours?

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   kelvinbloggerposted 14 years ago

   please be patient .. try get counselor and discuss with your husband

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   kenjbrownkenposted 14 years ago

   You're not gone yet? You will not and cannot change him!

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    topshelfposted 14 years ago

    How was your relationship before he started drinking? If it was good, and he will go get help, than I think it's worth saving!!! It's not always going to be easy, but when he gets the help and you guys get back on track, you'll look back and know it was worth it!!

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    maximillionsposted 14 years ago

    honestly i agree with one huber who said if you have to go online with our opinions do what you think is best follow your women intutions

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    Scarlet Danesposted 14 years ago

    Dear Ngureco, I have been around Alcoholism my whole life!  I might be wrong here but what I have found with Alcoholism is first a person drinks to enjoy..it feels good making life easier to deal with..then the adiction hits with a routine that is hard to break..then the person drinks more as it takes more to reach that escape of pain or worries that he/she may be feeling..it is a circle thats never ending with that person out of control.  He cannot reason while he is drinking but yet when he is sober he is searching for that next drink..again..a circle of never ending anguish felt by the drinker and their loved ones.  My advise to you would be not to just say " I am leaving you" but to say "I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you but you need to see a doctor about your adiction...I will go with you and together we can overcome this for the sake of our marriage and our children"....If you love him that is what I would do first..after that if he shows no interest in getting better..then move on to better yourself and the lives of your children!  My mother went through this..they have been married 65 years and love each other dearly!  Good Luck!

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    laxmi mishraposted 14 years ago

    Dear ngureco
            I thing you shoud not give him divorce.He needs proper cure and love as you said his heart is kind.He can understand.you should try to understand him with amicable.you should take him to docter bcoz nothing is imposible,you know love has power it can change any person and one thing more you have been married for 17 years. its long time definitely he will understand you.he need time and proper atention after some time he will come out that hell belive yourself and your love

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    greggnwillposted 14 years ago

    Girl, I just started this hubpages thing and i need to add a photo of myself soon, but if you could see my face you would see a man who would never do anything to hurt, neglect, or give anguish to my wife.  Your accepting his misery and making it yours, out of feelings of allegiance to him. You are obviously in love with him, but if the children feel guilty in any way they might follow in his foot steps. Alcoholism a lot of times runs in families, and you don't need 2 alcoholics or more in your family. One thing about drug addicts and alcies they don't get help until they hit rock bottom and booze don't do it for him anymore and that could take years. You need to get away from him and live life another way, and see how he likes it without you. Thank You

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    Donny Boscoposted 14 years ago

    I wouldn't be asking this question on the web... But if I had to answer, my answer would be to pray to God and ask for God's help.

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    Bovine Currencyposted 14 years ago

    I am married to but separated from an alcoholic.  We have been apart for 6 months now and as much as I still love her and want to be with her, I am powerless to change her behaviour.  I don't have children but the possibility of children is one factor that I would use to reason why not to get involved again with my wife.  She would drink every day and be drunk by midday very latest.  I took her to AA for 2 months but she started again and the fighting started again.  In her case and in many cases I know of, I am a recovering drug addict and have been through Narcotics Anonymous, alcoholism/addiction is a family problem.  Alcoholism is a family illness, it affects everyone.  If you are suffering, your kids are suffering.  My wife is nearly 30 years old but she trusted her family more than me.  Her father was an alcoholic, her grandfather too and her uncles, all gamblers also, her father beat her mother and so on.  I don't understand it but I try.  I do understand to a point.  It probably feels natural to a child of an alcoholic to drink, to not trust, to be violent and manipulative etcetera.  Do you want your children to suffer the consequences also?  I strongly suggest you weigh this up and I trust the answer will be obvious.  It is ultimately your decision.

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    NewLeaseOnLifeposted 14 years ago

    Hi, I am not an expert, but I know what it must feel like to be desperate and down and out. I wish every day that my wife did not leave me. I am a good man, I know that.
    
    My personal view on this is, why is your husband drinking?

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    makanakaposted 14 years ago

    i would divorce him and give him time to realise what he has lost.Some people only stop abusing alcohol or drugs when the ones they love cut ties.He is not being a very good husband or father anyway.He needs to respect you and the children you have.Thats what being a family is all about.The decision is yours but get support before you decide.

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    Callan S.posted 14 years ago

    Were you with him just for the money?
    
    If not, why are you stating the $21.65 per month as if it's the big important thing?
    
    Figure out what is important about this and it'll help decide for you what to do. Because it's not about the money (and if it is just about the money, I can understand why he started drinking after 17 years)

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    brimancandyposted 14 years ago

    My partner has a friend who is a horrible alcholic. He will bring a 5th of wisky to our house at 8 p.m. and it will be gone before midnight. He stumbles around, and my partner follows him around all night, because he keeps insisting that he is going to get in his car and go to the bar.
    
    Last winter there was a horrible blizzard, and he didn't have any alcohol, he asked me to go to the store and by him some. I said hell no! Come to find out, he left in the middle of the night saying he was going to walk to the 24 hour grocery down the road and get soame. Well, he didn't come back.
    
    I spent all night out looking for him, I eventually filed a missing person report. So, he comes rolling in at 6:30 in the morning, not a speck of snow on him in a blizzard, saying he had been out walking all night, and he was drunk. My partner believed him! I looked right at him and said you fricking liar!
    
    If he had been out walking in a blizzard all night he would have been soaking wet. he was totally dry. Well, he finally caved, and told us he went to the bar until close, and stayed over at some guys house, and he had just dropped him off on his way to work.
    
    Well, because I was out looking for him all night, I was too tired to go to work, and had to call in. I lost $86.00 in wages! But, did I leave my partner? No. Even though I seriously thought about it.
    Because he never puts his foot down, and lets him drink all night until he passes out. If I say anything, I am told to shut the hell up. So I know exactly how you feel.
    
    I only told you this, hoping that you will understand that you
    are not alone. I would worry about the 3 day thing. Does he say where he has been when he's been gone that long?
    
    I would certainly ask him. But, only if you think he might give you an honest answer, and isn't the violent type. Otherwise seek counceling. Talk to a relative, get some kind of help.

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    Springboardposted 14 years ago

    The question is not should you divorce him. The question is do you love him? Because if you love him, perhaps divorce is not the immediate answer. Although I do feel for you.
    
    The best bet would be to perhaps try an intervention. Let it be the deciding factor. If he's not willing to get help then even if you love him, he's destroying your life and your life together, and so there can be no meaningful continuation.

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    iqbal88posted 14 years ago

    not at now. you have long time relationship with him.so try to him kepp in your track. tell him to give up alcohol or you can take him to clinic or rehabilitation center.

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    kodi knowsposted 14 years ago

    I would, How can u live on $21 a month? Think about what the kids think of daddy being gone. Your whole life will become much more relaxed when he is out of it...Ive been there, married for 15 years to an alcoholic, he had days of being gone, and beer had more of a hold on him than I did.

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    Lifeallstar1posted 13 years ago

    This is much deeper than a yes or no from people on the Internet. You need to protect your children and go seek help from a professional to advise you in what you should do. We cannot tell you what to do since we don't even know the entire story of what is going on. Your children have to be protected, and you need to do that for them. As far as if you should leave him or not, he needs help and you might not be the right one to give it to him. That's why you need to find out what you need to do for him and all involved by someone who deals with this type of serious issue. Alcoholism is a disease and will not correct itself. He is not getting better from what you are saying and we cannot say to leave him or not, only you can decide that. You have to get him help, and get your family help. That's doesn't mean it's together or not together. That can be done either way, but a professional should go over everything with you and help you. I hope everything works out for you. I hope you will be okay and all of you are safe.

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    the clean lifeposted 13 years ago

    Maybe you should be separated from your husband and take the children too.  If he loves you and you are out of his life for awhile maybe that little light will go off in his mind and he may realize what he is giving up all due to the alcohol. 
    
    I say this because many years ago I would go out all night and drink with the buddies and come home very drink. My wife or any wife can only take this action for so long. So, she left me and went back to her parents taken my newborn son along. I only saw my son on weekends and after she left I realize just how much I loved them and missed them.
    
    I quit drinking and called her to tell her and after I proved to her I was sober again she came back to me.
    That is my story and maybe it may work for you.
    
    I hope and pray for you and your family that it all works out.  I would try the separation first and see if there is any change with your husband  and his drinking if he knows you are missing out of his life.
    
    God Bless you and your family!

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    rameshbashyamposted 13 years ago

    can you manage your home without him or his money? how about the psychological aspect to the children? have you checked with them? try to help him out.
    
    rather than yelling pray to God, work with AA and help him in his fight against alcohol.
    
    if you are not employed, try getting some employment and supporting the family. have a one-to-one talk with him.

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