How do you cope when you cannot prove your innocence, even when you know you hav

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   Greensleeves Hubsposted 11 years ago

   How do you cope when you cannot prove your innocence, even when you know you have behaved correctly?
   
   Have you experienced a situation in which you cannot prove your innocence of improper behaviour (in this case family financial relationships) even tho' you know in your heart you have acted correctly?

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   SidKempposted 11 years ago

   Events like this have happened a few times in my life, and they have always been very painful. Over time, I have learned to cope well.
   
   The key to each solution has been distance. If I remain to close to those who blame or accuse me falsely, I feel paralyzed and become pretty useless. If I step back, emotionally, and also practically, in terms of spending less time with the people, it is easier.
   
   In situations that do not involve family, a breach like this can mean ending the relationship, though I try to take a break and keep a door open to healthy relationship, even there.
   
   When it involves family, it is much harder. I create some distance. I spend time in prayer and meditation. Above all, I make sure that my actions towards those who see things differently is respectful, even when it cannot be loving. In some cases, even if their view never shifts, forgiveness is possible. In other cases, the greater distance remains, but, at least, they come to appreciate that I am a respectful and caring person, whatever else they thought I did that I didn't do.

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      Greensleeves Hubsposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      That's a thoughtful answer Sid. I like the suggestion about remaining respectful. I think that's right. If you can feel that not only have you acted correctly in the past, but you are still acting correctly, then your own moral integrity is retained.

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      SidKempposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Exactly. Unfortunately, with one relationship in my family, that is about all I can do.

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   SparrowMinistriesposted 11 years ago

   Yes, I think we all have.  In some cases if a person close to me does not believe me or believe in me, my integrity, and proper motivations, whether family are not, I have to re-evaluate whether I want that person to be in close relationship with me.  It becomes abuse when someone constantly accuses you of ill-will or dishonest behavior.  If I can prove my innocence I will, but if someone is determined to think evil, you can't change that. In all situations I remind myself that God is my vindicator and trust that He will eventually make things right for me.
   
   Isaiah 54:17
   
   New International Version 1984 (NIV1984)
   
   17     no weapon forged against you will prevail,
       and you will refute every tongue that accuses you.
   This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord,
       and this is their vindication from me,”
   declares the Lord.

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      Greensleeves Hubsposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Thank you for your comment. By your criteria I would classify my experience of this as abuse. Thank you for your 'quote'. Although I am not religious, I do recognise that the Bible has something of value to say on most matters, including this one.

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   galleryofgraceposted 11 years ago

   One can only wait- with the realization that truth always comes to light. The universe has a way of showing false accusers the error of their ways. They may not be willing to come face to face and say it but you may be able to determine from their behavior or actions that they realize they were wrong.
   I've learned to not worry about it because the universe will take care of it.

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      Greensleeves Hubsposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      It's hard not to worry about it but it is the best policy to adopt if possible, if one cannot do anything else about it. Your words all show good sense. Thanks.

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   msorenssonposted 11 years ago

   If you have been true to yourself, then that i the best and only thing you can do..

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      Greensleeves Hubsposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Thank you msorensson. One has to keep a conviction of the moral high ground to rise above false allegations

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   Jenna Popeposted 11 years ago

   I have had this happen, but there was not a whole lot that I could do to change opinion. The way that I conducted myself after the rumor was more convincing than anything that they could have said.

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      Greensleeves Hubsposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      This reply seems the right way to approach it, pretty similar to what SidKemp says elsewhere. I guess just to maintain one's integrity, self belief and correctness of behaviour is all one can do.

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   christianeskposted 11 years ago

   I call out to God. I pray continually. I weep when I need to. I expose my heart to my friends. I read, read, read - always seeking epiphanies.
   I read the Psalms occasionally, and the Biblical story of Joseph.
   I persevere in pursuing what is right, endeavoring not to complain, although it can be difficult not to complain from time to time. I embrace my humanity as best I feel that I can, knowing that I believe in a better world than this and that I was made for more, far more than this world offers. I rely in faith upon a God that I have never seen, except in the loving actions and words of others, trusting that He will lead me into all truth and embrace me one day in eternity.

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      Greensleeves Hubsposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Thank you christianesk. I am not myself religious, but I am sure others who have been in this situation can gain much support from their faith. Indeed it is the kind of situation where I can envy those who do have faith.

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      pmcminnposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      just watched the Stoning of Soraya...and saw in this obscure Iranian woman the Jesus on the Cross, without sin or fault, but knowing she could do nothing but lay down her life.  Innocence has its own justice and I trust it with my life.  We must not

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   Etherealenigmaposted 11 years ago

   I have never experienced that specific thing, but I know that the people that are wrong scream the loudest, and justify their position the hardest in an attempt to draw attention or suspicion or conviction away from themselves. Those that are innocent don't have to jump through hoops trying to defend themselves. The truth will always come out eventually. You may have to deal with some backlash at the present moment, but do so, knowing that the situation will right itself at the proper time, as long as you continue to walk with your character and integrity intact. Don't lower yourself to the level of the screamers and self-righteous justifiers. Just continue moving forward in faith that all will see the truth. Do what's necessary, but don't go overboard, or stress yourself out trying to figure out how to prove your innocence. God has a way of doing a big reveal, or bringing something to our memory to jog it into remembering a crucial point or piece of information that will prove the truth. Just have faith. GB.

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      Greensleeves Hubsposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      A very nice answer. An on-going dispute and an unpleasant phone call today prompted this question. As I am someone who suffers from stress I hate this kind of situation. It can certainly ruin one's day thinking about it! I appreciate your words.

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   LanaLuposted 11 years ago

   Proving your innocence when accused of a crime or inappropriate behavior can possibly be the harshest thing to prove and cope with.  I feel that if a person feels highly strong about their innocence they should maintain that attitude and remain optimistic. It is very simply to loose sight of the positive and continue to dwell on the negative and always expect the worse. Unless there is hard evidence that can link a person to a crime, this person should maintain their innocence. If a legal matter is involved, a good competent, well represented attorney should be hired and never take a guilty plea if innocent, because if a guilty plea is taken and the person truly is innocent then such decision will be the hardest to come to terms with and it will continue to affect the person negatively.
   
   However, it is a family or a relationship type of situation keeping a distance is the only way to keep clear of the negative comments and accusations. It is not a simple step but a necessary one.

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      Greensleeves Hubsposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Thank you LanaLu for a well considered answer. The last part of it hopefully applies to the case which prompted this question, because it's not an issue which should lead to a court action, but all your points will be helpful to myself or to others

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    vocalcoachposted 11 years ago

    Learn how to cope with being blamed for something you didn't do with new strategies for dealing with blamers. Discover body language of liars. Learn to identify NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) read more

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    Kathryn L Hillposted 11 years ago

    i usually go nuts!  I cry like a baby until someone listens to me. Don't be a martyr and just take it.  Get proof... Get the big guns of the law... Do what it takes!
    Within the boundaries of common decency and goodness, of course. I also agree with Ms. E up there.
    And she is right the crying can only last so long.  Then you have to find another way and sometimes that way is to wait until the right person or circumstance is on your side... and fate does seem to work in the favor of justice... But you might have to poke it with a stick!

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       Greensleeves Hubsposted 11 years agoin reply to this

       Thank you Kathryn. I don't very often ask questions on HubPages - I prefer writing hubs or answering questions than asking my own - but the response here has been quite heartwarming.

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    bac2basicsposted 11 years ago

    Frustrating as it is...you just have to let it go. There´s a good saying which goes.. " The truth will out" ..so eventually this will hopefully happen for you.

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       Greensleeves Hubsposted 11 years agoin reply to this

       Certainly frustrating bac2basics, but philosophically I guess it's true that if you can't do anything about what other people think then it's best to just ignore it and let them get on with their lives, whilst also getting on with your own. Cheers.

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    sarmackposted 11 years ago

    In the End, it is God Himself who will Restore our Innocence.    The important thing is to Believe Him, what you Know is True, and not what other people say.  Gossip and people influencing one's self esteem by trying to force a self-fulfilling prophecy have no Power if a person Believes in the Trinity.  What other people think of you doesn't matter.  You just Keep Going and live one day at a time.

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       Greensleeves Hubsposted 11 years agoin reply to this

       Thank you sarmack. Your supporting words are warm and encouraging.

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    mindyjgirlposted 11 years ago

    Try to prove it in some way, by writing a letter about your innocence, and giving it to everyone involved.  I  would do that and get at least 1 person on my side. .next I would not talk about it to anyone else after I wrote my letter and said my peace, I would expect everyone to believe me. I would act that way too and be astonished & upset that anyone would say anything else about it to me. To know in your heart that you are honest and  in the letter let them know you are willing to hire an attorney or take a lie detector test to prove your innocence, that way they will back off and quiet down.
    sometimes families are like a pack of hungry dogs you have to be the dominant one and bark at them to make them back off.

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       Greensleeves Hubsposted 11 years agoin reply to this

       Thanks mindyjgirl. I've written a couple of letters to try to explain my actions, but my explanations have been largely ignored. I agree though it is best to try to clearly put your points in a letter rather than getting involved in a shouting match.

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    yssubramanyamposted 11 years ago

    Honesty do not need. proof. it has its own strength and come to light ultimately. it is the matter of time. be calm and the triumph will play its role. good question. never try to convince ignorant.

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       Greensleeves Hubsposted 11 years agoin reply to this

       Lots of thanks for those words of support. One does have to just try and stay calm and rise above false allegations. Appreciate your comment very much.

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    Express10posted 11 years ago

    It's important to stay away from negative people because they will surely erode you like water does to a strong stone. If you made the right choice then those important to you understand, those who want to be negative will be but you don't HAVE to associate with them and their nonsense.

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       Greensleeves Hubsposted 11 years agoin reply to this

       It is best to ignore those who criticise without good foundation. It's not always so easy because hurtful comments get inside your head and it's difficult to stop that,  but you're right about trying to avoid them as much as possible. Thanks.

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    onegoodwomanposted 11 years ago

    Recently, I have found myself in EXACTLY this situation..............related to my career.
    
    Honestly..............it through me for a loop.................a double whammy if you will, for just a few weeks ago, I had the task of laying a parent to rest..............I was weak, vunerable and easily attacked.
    
    First, I " vegged out " watching countless reruns of Little House on the Prairie, and the Waltons.....................then that got old.
    
    I grew tired of feeling sorry for myself.....................and blaming the excessive heat and drought.............................
    
    When I finally awoke to the idea, of " what can I do"..................I began to dream, to ponder, to plan again.................I dared to imagaine the new possiblites,  enjoy this day, and to look forward, once again to the tomorrows.
    
    
    I dug up my burned up spring garden, and made new plans for a fall crop.
    I cleaned out my refrigerator and freezer...............I deep cleaned my carpets and curtains........................
    
    I began to live again............planning for the next meal, the coming morning.......and I embraced the setting sun.
    
    In short.............I got over my own little self, and embraced life again.

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       Greensleeves Hubsposted 11 years agoin reply to this

       Trying to make a fresh start, being positive and forgetting the past and living for the future is an inspiring suggestion. Thanks. Coincidentally in view of your comment, my problem is related to the death of a parent and matters of estate management

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    ginjill ashberryposted 11 years ago

    How do you cop? =Fear not human's judgment.
    
    If you, yourself believed that you are doing the right thing, making the right decisions, (if any) all other blame, accusations and insults should not matter. Once in awhile we make a decision upon something that we believe to be right and we acted by faith that it is the right move. In so doing, our conscience are clear. Because our heart motives were right all along.

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       Greensleeves Hubsposted 11 years agoin reply to this

       Absolutely right that whatever the consequences, if the intent is good and right, then there should not be too much in the way of recriminations. It's a good philosophical approach to coping with problems when people think you've done the wrong thing

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    libby1970posted 11 years ago

    I don't know but I've been on the other end of the spectrum on this one. I have a very close family member who has been accused of something immoral by a little girl in the family. This little girl had smarted off to her step dad... and he spanked her. Later she moved in with her real dad. After two years of living with him she told her new step mom that he tried to touch her once down her shirt but stopped. We don't know if she is saying it from spite where he spanked her or if it's the truth. There has been two polygraph tests and neither can give any real data of innocence or guilt on his part. He swears that he didn't do it and that she is just angry because he spanked her. It's difficult when you don't know what to believe. The little girl had been known to lie in the past so we have a very hard time trying to figure out the truth. I guess sometimes we will really never know the truth unless one party decides to have a spiritual awakening and tell the truth. Only the real parties involved know the real truth. This is the same in your case as well. Unless someone comes forward and speaks the real truth how will anyone ever know what really happened? It can drive a person crazy when there's a child involved who may have almost got sexually abused.... but then again what if he's innocent? One has no idea what the truth is! A very sad situation to be in!

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       Kathryn L Hillposted 11 years agoin reply to this

       (Mothers, beware.  I know this is off topic and I could get the boot for it.) Have you heard of the phrase C Y A ?  We can also be proactive in life.  Your question reminds us the Importance of being proactive in protecting ourselves.

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       Greensleeves Hubsposted 11 years agoin reply to this

       Libby, that's an awful situation both for the people directly involved and for relatives. I guess you have to try to think the best of someone and give the benefit of doubt unless you have strong reasons for believing otherwise? Thanks for sharing.

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    pmcminnposted 11 years ago

    I just watched the Stoning of Soraya...and saw in this obscure Iranian woman the Jesus on the Cross, without sin or fault, but knowing she could do nothing but lay down her life.  Innocence has its own justice and I trust it with my life.  We must not look to be so one dimensional, but generational and that is where change truly lies in the midst of sacrifice.

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       Greensleeves Hubsposted 11 years agoin reply to this

       Thank you pmcminn for commenting. It was good to hear your thoughts on this question. Welcome to HubPages by the way - hope you enjoy writing here. Alun.

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    danielabramposted 11 years ago

    Pick yourself and move on. People judge you by your reactions more than your actions.

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       Greensleeves Hubsposted 11 years agoin reply to this

       Thank you danielabram - I appreciate that - it is true I think. Like a previous contributor pmcminn, I see you've only just joined HubPages, so I wish you the very best on the site.

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    Greensleeves Hubsposted 11 years ago

    My thanks to all who have written answers to this question (so far). I've never used the Question and Answers feature very much, but the response I've had in the past few days has been really heartwarming for what it says about some on this site. Heartwarming to the extent that I've decided to write a hub about the experience, and this hub has just been published. I'm not sure I can link to it in this comment, but of course it can be accessed via my profile.
    
    Thanks again, at a time which has not been too pleasant  for me, but which has inspired my question and then my hub.

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