How do you make yourself fall out of love ? when they don't treat you right

1. 60

   str8ruthlessposted 11 years ago

   How do you make yourself fall out of love ? when they don't treat you right

   replyreport
2. 77

   rhondakimposted 11 years ago

   I think it is nearly impossible to make yourself fall out of love per se, but rather to decide that you MUST do what's best for YOU.  If you are not being treated right, that is an absolute deal-breaker.  You can cry on your own all you want, but you can not accept mistreatment.  Period.  And believe me, you will eventually get over it.  And in time meet someone who does value you.  I know;  I did. 

   replyreport
3. 72

   LoisRyan13903posted 11 years ago

   Just don't compare other men to your ex when you are ready to do that.  That will be very hard to find someone with the same qualities.  I am sure that you can find the man who will treat you like, just don't settle for looks alone.  You might find a man who may not be as good looking as the one who hurt you but on the inside he may be hundreds of times better

   replyreport
4. 72

   dashingscorpioposted 11 years ago

   Instead of focusing on not loving (them) start focusing on loving you! Whatever you choose to dwell on magnifies. Remove the reminders, hang out with friends, and family, cut off all contact for at least a year, avoid places they frequent, and move on.
   Each of us (chooses) our own friends, lovers, and spouse. If you are unhappy with your choice then it's up to you to make a different one. You are responsible for your happiness! Become a "better shopper"!
   "When we chanage our circumstances change".
   I talk about this a great deal in my book: My Cat Won't Bark! (A Relationship Epiphany)
   People who love themselves look out for themselves. Instead of trying to change their mate or hoping they'll change, they seek out people who (already are) the type of people they want to be with! Thankfully there are over 7 billion people on this planet! You have options!
   The beautiful thing about a door is it lets those who want in (in) and those who want out (out). No one is "stuck" with anyone. We are always where we (choose) to be. Anyone who is unhappy in a relationship and chooses to stay is (choosing) to be unhappy.

   replyreport
5. 59

   Jeramiposted 11 years ago

   That depends upon what you mean by "Don't treat you right"?  Assuming that you are correct that he really isn't treating you right. And your love for him is true and not selfish,
   It is your responsible to see that the love that you have to give survives. 
   Sometimes...  what we think is love is that we think our needs for security both emotional and/or financial are being met or soon to be met.  And when they are not, all we really have is the aspiration for that need being met.
   Sometimes wanting something can feel as good as having it, when we deny the reality that we deserve more.
   We should also consider that when we are young, what we think is love is sometimes  just our hormones having a field day.   
   If it is true love on your part, you should know that love can not grow to its full potential unless it is returned to you. this is a two way street.
     Good communication is essential in any good relationship.
   When our love does not recieve the nutrents it needs to survive,  get the gardeners attention that something needs to be done  or  it can be transplanted.   
   If he chooses the latter, well ...  better sooner than later. 
   
   the hardest thing to do sometimes is to be honest with ourselves.

   replyreport
   1. 0

      SandCastlesposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      "It is your responsibility to see that the love that you have to give survives". What does that mean, that it is up to str8 to make the relationship work? No because as you said, love is a two way street.

      replyreport
   2. 59

      Jeramiposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Each time we harden our heart toward a person it gets harder to rekindle the fire for the next guy. A diabetic can still love chocholote and know they can't have it.

      replyreport
   3. 0

      SandCastlesposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      "Each time we harden our heart toward a person it gets harder to rekindle the fire for the next guy"-not necessarily. Hardening your heart towards someone who treats you badly frees you to find a healthier relationship.

      replyreport
6. 67

   Marketing Meritposted 11 years ago

   Oddly enough, I'm in the middle of writing a hub about how to break up with a narcissist and one of the tips I have included in that is about 'dumping the illusion.'
   
   I'm not suggesting your partner is a narcissist, but the process is similar for abusive and toxic relationships.
   
   One of the reasons that we hold on to damaging relationships is because we think that we are with; 'the perfect person, if only they would...' (You fill in the gaps!) You need to stop thinking of your partner as being the 'right one' for you.
   
   You can't 'fall out of love'  but you can start writing a journal of all the bad stuff that has happened. This will help you to get a grip on reality. Sometimes, we get so used to being treated a certain way, that we eventually become accustomed to it and think of it as being 'the norm.'
   
   Also, put some distance between the two of you. If you get a chance, have a look at what I have written on the no contact rule. I've had a lot of positive feedback about this and it genuinely helps people get over their ex. Don't try and use it to change your partner as people inevitably revert to type once they get what they want. Use it to build a stronger and more independent YOU!!
   
   Best of luck with this.

   replyreport
   1. 72

      dashingscorpioposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      A journal is an excellent idea! Far too often women in particular tend to "romantize" toxic relationships. A guy can mistreat her 99 days out of 100 but she'll only "remember" the one day he was nice! A journal of events as they happen is reality ck

      replyreport
   2. 67

      Marketing Meritposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Eloquently put DashingScorpio!

      replyreport
   3. 60

      str8ruthlessposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Thank you I am definitely checking out your hubs as soon as I finish this comment

      replyreport
7. 67

   kittythedreamerposted 11 years ago

   I have to agree with rhondakim. There's no way you're just going to stop loving this person...but if this person is not treating you the way you treat him/her, then you should probably think about moving on. This life is short and you shouldn't spend it unhappy

   replyreport
8. 0

   SandCastlesposted 11 years ago

   If you want to stop loving or obsessing over someone who isn't treating you right,  you have to allow yourself to harden your heart towards them. Don't romanticize the situation. Stop focusing on the odd good moment and look at all the times the person was bad to you. You have to get angry. Don't play sad songs and think about them. Make yourself focus on other things, like hobbies and interests. Read books; read a book series. Keep yourself busy and stay away from that person and soon the person who treats you bad won't have any power over you anymore. If you are in a situation where the person who is bad to you keeps drawing you in with mixed messages, create a journal and write down every rotten thing the person every did to you and when you feel sad and miss that person read the journal. Even if the person isn't contacting you, create the journal so you don't contact them. Do you really want to go back to that miserable situation?  Right now you are vulnerable so you will need reminders so you don't romanticize a bad situation.  And don't feel bad about yourself because you love someone who doesn't treat you right. Just start protecting yourself now.

   replyreport
   1. 60

      str8ruthlessposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      best answer thank you <3

      replyreport
9. 0

   JThomp42posted 11 years ago

   One thing that is certain that I have figured out over many years is you cannot tell your heart who to love and when. There is no way of just turning it off.

   replyreport
   1. 76

      Moms-Secretposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      It does do what it wants doesn't it. Without reason or hesitation.  People could stand to mimic it every now and then.

      replyreport
   2. 0

      JThomp42posted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Yes it does Mom's.

      replyreport
10. 82

    Tashaonthetownposted 11 years ago

    you find things to do to keep you busy and get your mind off.  But you also remember that life is worth you being happy and if they are not treating you right than they do not love you!
    By realising that you are not being treated right means that you are aware of it and now you need to leave!!!

    replyreport
    1. 22

       lukemike92posted 11 years agoin reply to this

       You just have to get out there and meet other people to get your mind off this one person.  That doesn't sound healthy.

       replyreport
11. 76

    Moms-Secretposted 11 years ago

    This one seems easy for me to answer.  Let go and find the flow.  So many people fight the natural flow of things.  Love comes in so many levels that falling in or out seems odd to me.  Change the level you are on.  Love yourself enough to open your hands and let everything flow.  You could hold broken glass in your hand for a long time and enjoy the colors and shapes.  It doesn't cut you until you try to tighten your grip.  It wasn't meant to be held that way.
    
    Have faith of the unknown.  So many people never make a move because they don't know what will happen next.  We know more than we think.  We know that every story has a beginning and an end.  We know that we die.  What we do while we are in the middle doesn't change those 2 truths.  Keep it all worth it.  Good luck.

    replyreport
12. 86

    Faith Reaperposted 11 years ago

    Don't know if one can make oneself fall out of love, but I agree totally with rhondakim, that the scenario you describe is not love at all, on his part and should be an immediate deal-breaker.  You should remove yourself from your love (no matter how hard it will be to do so), and just the act of cutting yourself off from him, will help to you to see this is not the path to go down in this life.  It is not a healthy relationship if one is not being treated good.  And it will only get worse as time goes on.  We all deserve to be loved in this lifetime, but it must be real love, not the illusion of love, as another has commented here.  There is a big difference between reality and being disillusioned.  God bless.

    replyreport
13. 77

    Renee Abbottposted 11 years ago

    This is one area I write a lot on. You know you have to give yourself time, and work through why you were attracted to him. What is it about not getting him, that pulls you back? If you can finally get him to treat you well, who in your past will this finally heal? I believe we act from our subconscious, and are constantly playing old tapes. There is no Band-Aid affect that can resolve this issue.
    
    The only way out is to choose to work on yourself, without him in your life. You will be surprised as you progress down this road that one day he is not even what you wanted or need. I know sounds unlikely now, but if you will opt to give yourself 6 months, you will be surprised.
    
    Is this going to be a painful journey? Yes, but aren't you suffering now with pain?
    As I mentioned, I have written exclusively on this very topic. Perhaps you will find some help in a couple of my hubs.

    replyreport
    1. 81

       KatyWhoWaitedposted 11 years agoin reply to this

       Renee, I agree.  This is wonderful advice

       replyreport
14. 96

    LongTimeMotherposted 11 years ago

    I believe that one of the key foundations of love is respect. If you don't really respect this person, then I doubt you really love them.
    
    If you lost respect for them when they started treating you badly, I think you've probably already fallen out of love. Now it is probably just a habit that you have to break.
    
    If you are used to being with them all the time and putting in the effort to try and make the relationship work, it will seem really strange when you stop. Don't be too hard on yourself. Good things come when we break bad habits. It's just not always easy to instantly feel good about a fresh start.
    
    Good luck,

    replyreport
15. 77

    galleryofgraceposted 11 years ago

    Yo may never stop loving the person but you will gain enough love for yourself so that you will stop allowing yourself to be abused. You deserve better. No one has the right to abuse you and as long as you allow it to happen it will keep on happening. No matter how many times they say "I'm Sorry". They will never stop. They are right about one thing. they are SORRY- sorry humans! If you are in this type of relationship- get out now while you are alive.

    replyreport
16. 65

    ahankins100posted 11 years ago

    You can't fall in or out of Love on a whim. But you can protect your self in any relationship. Love is about mutual commitment between both individuals. If you perceive that you are being treated less that you should be or you have a long list of wrongful actions you have to decide to accept that this is what it is going to be like or you decide to not accept this and leave the relationship knowing that you will need time to heal. Accept or leave, the love is part of the heart and will heal allowing you to have other relationships later. A bad relationship will only continue.

    replyreport
17. 61

    hulah cagenposted 11 years ago

    I feel self love is important. However hard it might be at the time, I think I would take it as a sign that one may have to start loving and forgiving oneself first and foremost. In a way  fall in love with yourself but not in a narcissistic way. Sometimes relationships can become toxic enough that we are unable to see it that way.

    replyreport
18. 75

    Cantuhearmescreamposted 11 years ago

    It's impossible and for anyone who says otherwise is in denial. Matters of the heart cannot be controlled; only matters of the mind can. The heart is stronger than the mind so you really have to convince yourself, for the health of your heart, to run way from the bad and run toward the good.

    replyreport
19. 81

    KatyWhoWaitedposted 11 years ago

    There's a little trick that I describe in "How to Get Through Mother's Day" that is based on a counselor's one question to me.  Why do you continue to feed the monster? (feed the pain, etc.)  The image of "monster" didn't work for me so I put an imaginary dangerous dragon on one side of my brain "image space" and a kind and loving dragon on the other.  Every time I started to think about my love for the person who hadn't treated me right, I turned away so I wouldn't feed that dragon and instead turned to the lovely dragon (my plans for the day, my hopes for the future, all the wonderful things I have in my life,  laughter with friends, the new love I have, etc.).
    I don't think you can fall out of love exactly, but time makes the memory of that person less and less and you replace that person with people in your life or a special new person who has all of the qualities you actually admired in the person you loved, none of the negative behavior, and hopefully even more attributes that will help you have a better life style.  What I'm trying to say here, is don't settle for someone is simply kind and loves you again; find someone you can actually say you love as much or more than the person you lost. 
    In time, perhaps a very long time, you will be able to look back at the good parts of the old relationship and know that that good time belongs to you and you'll be grateful for it.  That's what my posting of the love letters from Vietnam is all about.  That time of my life was to be cherished and it IS mine.  Nothing that subsequently happened to that love can change that particular time of when it was really, really good.
    I'm assuming you wouldn't have initially fallen in love with someone you thought was harmful, so there had to be that initial time. If that's true, it's important to look for a healthy relationship, but there WILL come an appropriate time to feel the lyrics of that song Willie Nelson sings:
    
    I'm not trying to forget you anymore
    I've got back into remembering all the love we had before
    And I'd been trying to forget someone that my heart still adores
    So I'm not trying to forget you anymore
    
    But that time is probably not now. It's simply time to start feeding the beautiful playful, positive, and hopeful dragon.

    replyreport
    1. 60

       str8ruthlessposted 11 years agoin reply to this

       <3 amazing advice & song

       replyreport
20. 70

    CrescentSkiesposted 11 years ago

    Well unlike most people my more raw emotions dominate the part of my brain that centers on emotion. So when I'm faced with a choice between a complex emotion like love (which is a big mixture of a ton of different emotions) and a very simple emotion like pure, justified anger (unjustified anger doesn't count because it's equally complex as love) anger always wins.
    
    For normal (probably more sane) people you have to take off the filter that most people seem to put on so that they remain oblivious to the ignorance, bigotry, and faults of their partner. Only way you can fall out of love is to wake yourself up and realize the roses have thorns and are covered in blood.

    replyreport
21. 42

    mrblueishmouveskyposted 11 years ago

    Re-invigorate your interests as an indvidual and see them as a boring sideshow to a much more interesting main plot you carve for yourself

    replyreport
22. 75

    jaredbangerterposted 11 years ago

    Time is the only way.  You have to spend time without that person, doing things YOU love to do.  I know, at first after a relationship, it's hard to find joy in the things that you used to.  After all, your personal identity was compromised by the relationship, which merged it into the new identity of you and your partner as a couple.
    
    The only way to fall out of love and regain joy being independent is through spending time falling in love with yourself all over again.
    
    Good luck!

    replyreport
23. 70

    brakel2posted 11 years ago

    You cannot fall out of love with your heart, but you can with your brain. You can do self-talk, telling yourself all the reasons the relationship will not work. Write them down. When you want to call him or see him, look at your list. By then, you should have it memorized. You can also try to remove him from your mind by not making him look appealing. Imagine him with funny looking clothes and purple hair. Then, gradually he will not appeal to you. Your mind can make him go away even though he is deep in your heart. Gradually, he may be gone from your heart. Time heals all wounds---hopefully. And pray about it,  Start loving yourself and doing all the things that make you feel and look good..

    replyreport
24. 64

    tomy101posted 11 years ago

    If not treated right, how could you still be in love? I guess if your emotionally addicted to a person , and are willing to accept that they have no interest in you, you should walk. It would be of ease to not want to be with a girl if I knew she had no interest in me. I would just brush it off and be a little down and move on. There are way too many people in this world that need love and want it. Don't put up with it. Your worth every thing to God and spiritually you owe it to leave one that has no interest in you.

    replyreport