Can Mothers and daughters be friends?
L@@K, SPAMMER
She still would have been spamming, cause her single hub is exactly on this topic, so it is pretty obvious the purpose of the thread was to promote the hub.
Aya, your hypothetical case could be a borderline, but this particular lady is spamming, slice it or dice it. She posted three threads with the same wording, outright promoting her hub.
- ralwusposted 15 years ago
0 I think Maddie did
No it definitely was not a kind of viagra spam LOL. Yet it was a kind of promotion that would kill the forums if not checked. I think the lady just got puzzled and overwhelmed with being called out on spamming, cause she honestly did not think she was doing it, hence the lack of follow-up on her side.
Viagra spam is funny. thanx to that I now know the "true meaning of love". I see what you mean, and I feel bad. Rules ARE needed.(mr. anarchy...
) I just hope she gets the support she needs, is all.
She wrote to me, too. The fact that she did not realize what she was doing, does not change the fact that she was breaking the rules.
Even if you don't sell anything, it is still spamming - or, if you prefer it better, being overly promotional. The reason for this rule is quite simple - if enough people start bragging on forums about their hubs, forums become unreadable. As easy as that.
Dawnette, I guess you will read this. Nobody holds anything against you, enjoy the site and we will enjoy your writings and insights, just follow the rules. They are in place not to get you, but to make the site enjoyable for everybody.
I have always been friends with my mom. Growing up there were not many kids my age to play with in the neighborhood, and then when a few moved there I did not have a lot in common with them. I always used to talk with my mom, and I like much of the same music she listens too. I first cultivated a love for the Moody Blues when my mom would play those records for me when I was little. Such good memories
.Spam or not, its a good topic
I did not get along with my mother until I was older. We had just started a fairly good relationship when I was 17 - then she up and died right before I turned 18.
With that said, I made a solemn vow to myself that if I had a daughter our relationship would be good. I do have a daughter, she'll be 19 next month. We have a wonderful relationship. I'm a mom when I need to be a mom, a friend when I need to be a friend. Now, I'm a mom who is letting her daughter be free in college - make her own choices, have a great time & enjoy her new surroundings. I miss her, I miss talking to her, but find comfort that I (we) raised her to be independent of myself & my husband. She is loving her life, I couldn't ask for moreupdate to the mother and daughter night out. We went, she saw, she was very bored. But it was nice that she went with me, for it is honestly the first time my mother has ever gone somewhere of my choosing.
She didn't like the music...lol. Metallica, ac/dc and so on..lol. But she did have a drink, and stayed for about one hr.
At that point I second Aya
Cool, great for you Denys! I like your eclectic hairstyle
Speaking from the "mother side" of the equation, I am "incubating" a Hub on something like "understanding your mother", because since I've had grown kids I'm amazed at how little they understand "where I'm coming from".
We're really close (thankful for that), and we get alone - but there's no doubt about it I think very differently from them in so many ways. What I'm always amazed at is their version of what I think. 
Now that they're grown, I can look back on what I didn't understand about how my own mother thought.
For me, life and being a mother was a piece of cake when my children were little (at least as it applied to them, not life in general). All was great. Even when they were teens it may have been scary, but there wasn't anything big as far as understanding each other went. Now that they're grown (youngest in college) I'm discovering this "you think...." kind of thinking they have (even if they're often too polite to really say it much of the time), and I'm amazed at how little they seem to really know me after all these years! I don't think any mother and kids could have a better relationship, but for me this is the sometimes the hardest stage of being a mother (and it has nothing to do with "losing my role as a mother"). It's pretty much about having people assume I think or feel something that I don't. (It also has to do with people not realizing that a lot of what I think isn't the result of "being stuck in old ways", but instead of "coming to my thinking as a result of experience". We mothers are still growing and finding our way each day, even when our kids are grown.First, and foremost, I am her mother. Next comes the friendship. My daughter and I have an extremely open relationship whereupon she is comfortable and trusting enough to discuss any topic with me, at any hour, at any place. I count myself lucky to have this with her.
Aya, I don't really have misunderstandings with my kids; and they're at an age where risk aversion isn't part of the equation.
That's the thing - when they grow up (provided you respect them as capable individuals) it's no longer about suggesting what they do or don't do, or your opinion about what they're doing. The "issues" are more "subtle".
For example, what I've discovered is that, while I knew "on an intellectual level" that a certain amount of "letting go" was right at 18, what really happened was I outwardly "let go" but inwardly kept battling with worries. Gradually, as the years between 18 and 25 passed, I realized that I just naturally got "better and better" when it came to "getting my mind off them" and worrying about them. It almost made me wonder if, in view of the fact that skeletons "finish" closer to 25, and since the brain is not finished maturing until early- to mid- twenties; Nature has designed mothers to just kind of naturally, gradually, be able to completely "let go" closer to when the son/daughter is 25 (which, on the one hand, may offer young people hope; but on the other, takes longer than young people prefer). It's hard to describe, because they all headed for school at 18; and I certainly was far from being a "helicopter parent". As I said, it was more of an inward thing for me to keep myself from worrying that something would happen to them. I worried more about 18-year-old than a 20-year-old, but, again, didn't just "knock it off" until they were close to 25. My two sons are both over 25, and I discovered that as they approached that age it was just natural to be able to say, "What they do is their business." With an 18/19-year-old, even though you see how grown-up/mature/intelligent they are, you still (or at least I couldn't) can't really just think, "What you do is your business."
So where the issue comes in would be if I acted like a big worrier to an 18-year-old (but was more than aware of how grown-up they were as well), that 18-year-old wouldn't know that I wouldn't be such a worrier (even if I tried to control it when it was bad) for the rest of my life. They wouldn't understand that in my head I knew they weren't ten years old; but that what my head knew and what my worrying heart went ahead and did were not the same things. Grown kids tend to assume that a mother who worries a little "thinks they're a child". Until you have grown kids you can't know how it feels to know someone is grown and yet still have to work your way to growing as a parent of grown kids as well. I don't think young people can realize how the parent of a "newly grown" son or daughter is always kind of muddling her way through and assessing her own actions/words in her new role as "parent of grown kids". I didn't muddle when they were young. I was sure of what I was doing. What I discovered is that when they get to be 16 or 18 or 20 you can suddenly find yourself muddling for the first time in your parenting life. (But, as I said, they then get to be 24/25, and you stop muddling quite so much.) - cosetteposted 15 years ago0
Aya, you're right that it's true in one way when children are younger; but I think the difference is that when they're still children all those changes come under the same umbrella of "being a mother with young kids" (regardless of whether "young" is four or ten). Your role as a parent is clear, even if the issues change. When they grow up I think you're "launched" into a completely different role. On the one hand, you still feel the same about your kids in many ways. In other ways, you feel different and they feel (ARE) different; and - if you're normal - you know that a large portion of that role as "parent" is no longer part of the picture. This may be a simple (and silly) comparison; but if you had cats all your life, and over time became really "expert" at dealing with having cats; and then if you suddenly find yourself with a dog as a pet, it can in ways be similar but in ways require you to re-think how you'll do some things.
Back to human beings, I just think it's that complicated mix of still being a parent, not having a care-taking role, finding a new way to try to keep a family close even when nobody lives in the same place, and any number of new things that come along with being the parent of an adult, as compared to of a child. As Lita mentioned, grown kids often don't confide in a parent. Some people are closer to their parents than others, but even in a close relationship kids don't always confide in parents; so even if parents seem like friends (once people are grown), they still aren't like the grown kids' friends. Often, little kids don't question most of what parents think/do. Grown kids (particularly teens and early twenties) can often question everything parents are/do/think. It's all part of the maturation process, but convincing a four-year-old you know what you're talking about is pretty easy. Convincing a twenty-year-old you know what you're talking about - not so easy. Then there's stuff like stepping back and minding your business because you think they're grown, and you think you shouldn't put your two cents in; but someone may interpret that as your not being interested. People all level out once they get past their teens and early twenties, but in those years it can be very challenging for parents to keep the relationship strong while also letting go at the same time.
- Leta Sposted 15 years ago0
- Crazdwriterposted 15 years ago0
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