Verbal abuse

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   Sunny Girlposted 16 years ago

   Hello Everybody,
   
   I just wanted to share with you the 'real' truth of my lovely happy marriage. I feel I am really happy married and in general I have a wonderful DH and a our adorable 14 months son.
   
   Most happy couples like us I suppose from time to time can have an issue(s) that can bother one of them or both. In my case an important issue that bothers me for a long time now, 3 years, sinsere we got married in 2005 is occasional verbal abuse of my DH towards me.
   
   I've read a few useful books about relations and how to make them work and got some good advice from them. The tips from those books work really well and explaine the differences in psychology and thinking between men and women which can create problems, so knowing these differences is easier to avoid unnecessary misunderstanding and resentment which works in our case (that's why we never argue but can disagree in a civil way ).
   
   So my beloved DH 'dares' in a kind of joking way verbally abuse me and he does it regularly. Minimum 2-3 times a week, sometimes every day for a while. I am trying to find a wise way to reduce his bad habit and hopefully eventually to stop it. I tried many things. Our dialogues could be like this:
   
   1)Me: Honey, please, stop it, you know it hurts so much! It's so rude and not like a gentleman and not like a loving husband.
   
   DH: (always laughing or smiling:) Good. I'll think what else I can say to be more nasty and horrible! Ha-ha-ha
   
   2) Me: It's unacceptable and it's a criminal offence and I can call the police for that. It's more serious than you think. (DH was a bit quiet after that it made him think I can stand for myself and there are people like 'victim support' who might help me with legal advice if I need it).
   
   3) On some occasions DH: You don't understand my sense of humour! It's fun to call you names. You say you want me to be happy, teasing you is entertaining for me and makes me happy. ha-ha-ha
   
   4)DH: My abuse is 'original'! I come up with some very unique and original names for you!
   Today I call you 'Zero'. I ask: 'Why 'zero'? DH: Because you've got zero money and zero brain. It's true! No brain (and he laughs and shows zero with his fingers. Then he say: Actually you are my first wife. My next wife will have brain. (the rest of the abusive words can be: dumbo, muppet, slave, bloody foreigner (I am originally from Ukraine), stupid woman, silly cow, idiot and some more. Then when I am in tears he can say: 'Don't take it personally, I had a stressful day at work, I am under a lot of pressure, I love you, Honey, I am sorry and wipes my tears with the tissue (Very romantic! lol It would be more romantic not to make me cry because there is Absolutely No need for a abuse and Nobody deserves it! I always forgive him, of course, as I love him to bits and I want us always to stand by each other and to be a happy family. I can't stand when people don't talk to each other or don't get on. What's the point to be together then and poison each other's life instead of appreciating every day together and making each other happy.
   
   5)Sometimes I ignore his abuse and he eventually gets bored and stops.
   
   6)I recently asked him WHY he keeps doing it. he honestly said: I've lost respect for you. It's become a habit. Me: You sould be able to control your behaviour and think how it affects me and care about my emotional well being as I care about yours! I am the Mother of Your (our) Baby and I deserve to be treated with respect!
   
   7)DH: You are pushing me to say these words. If you do something wrong, that's how I feel and that's what i want to say!
   
   I've been learning to drive for a year now, I had about 70 lessons. Before Christmas I failed 2 tests. We lived in Wales then. Since New Year we live in Hertfordshire (moved because my Dh changed his job) and I've been learning again and my test ¹3 is 24.07.08 I try to be positive and hope to pass. My DH's 'supportive' comments on my driving: 'You are crap, Honey! You are never ever in a million years going to pass! I am just being honest with you. Yes, the instructor will tell you, yes, you can pass, you have a good chance because you pay. He is not going to tell you you'll never pass because he wants your money. Me: I WILL PASS sooner or later, I Never give up and I'll prove you wrong! I need your support and believing in me, not criticising all the time, putting me down, belittling. And it's not funny when you call me names! If I call you names back, what will happen??? DH: We will get divorced. Me: So you CAN call me names and I can't, is it fair? DH: Life isn't fair! Ha-ha-ha! Etc.
   
   8) Me: Do you want Nathan (our DS) to think it's acceptable to call mummy names? What example are you giving to him? If he calls me names, he will call YOU names as well, don;t forget that! So think twice before doing it because now you are responsible for his upbringing as well.
   
   9)Me: British woman would never tolerate that! Only because originally I wasn't financially equal with you, it doesn't mean you need to try to boost your self-esteem humiliating mine. I am mentally strong and quite young (28, he is 41) and I CAN achieve a lot even starting from 'zero' as you say and 10 years behind the British school leavers as you say DH: I don't care! You are not a British woman! Ha-ha-ha
   
   Sorry it took so long, I hope it was a bit entertaining as well . So I am thinking what other powerful methods I could use to try to completely stop these terrible names coming of my DH's mouth. As you see I've done a lot of talking with him and explaining how it makes me feel and that it's unacceptable and totally wrong and unfair, he seems like reduced it a bit but I know he will do it again sooner or later.
   
   The last 'improvement' was: he called me 'dum-dum' instead of 'dumbo'. LOL
   
   I know it's very hard to change bad habits and I am not trying to change him. I love his 'decent' humour that doesn't involve abusing me but this disrespect and sarcasm must stop.
   
   Has anybody had anything similar and how did you deal with it? As for 'zero' money, I earn some money (retail), not much, but I work full time and work hard, pay 80% of nursery for Nathan, pay some food bills and I always pay the telephone bill, do 90% of the housework and childcare (he can iron his shirts for work and does his ironing which is a big help, we go shopping weekly together because I don't drive yet. Our sex life is regular and good and he is a Great Daddy and adores Nathan which makes me so happy to see them bonding together.
   
   Best regards,
   Sunny Girl

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2. 84

   Marisa Wrightposted 16 years ago

   Sunny girl, I don't know how you can say you have a happy marriage.
   
   Your husband abuses you verbally because it's his way of keeping you as his captive.  He's a charmer and a manipulator.  He is constantly eating away at your self-esteem, so you'll feel that you could never leave him, because no man would ever want such a "zero". 
   
   He wants to make you lose respect for yourself, so he can treat you any way he likes and you won't have the courage to walk away.  You're his housemaid, a nanny for his child, and a handy f*ck.  But don't be surprised if, once he's sure you're completely beaten down, he starts playing around with other women.
   
   Verbal abuse can be just as harmful as physical abuse.  If you think I'm exaggerating, I know a woman whose marriage is exactly the same as yours.   She's still with him, in spite of his cheating, because she's too beaten down to have the confidence to leave.  She's been unhappy for twenty years. 
   
   http://hubpages.com/hub/Women-in-abusive-relationships

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3. 0

   pgrundyposted 16 years ago

   Yes I've been in marriage like this. It will get worse. He won't stop. It works for him and there's nothing you can do to make him stop. If you don't put up with it he'll find another woman who will. All you really can do is take care of yourself and find a better man. There are lots of really nice men in the world who won't belittle you this way.
   
   What I did, I finally just left him. I waited way too long to do it, and he threw a huge tantrum over it and it was very expensive legally, but I've never regretted it for a second. It took me a year to get my self-confidence back and by the next year off I was better off financially than I'd ever been with my verbally abusive husband.
   
   Now I live with a really nice guy and looking back, I can't believe how long I put up with all that crap. I just didn't want to be divorced again, but jesus, you only have one life.
   
   Tell him to knock it off or you're leaving. Then leave when he does it again, because he will.
   
   Good luck.

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4. 84

   Marisa Wrightposted 16 years ago

   Well done pgrundy!  I'm glad you had the courage to make the move.  That would have taken guts.

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   1. 0

      pgrundyposted 16 years agoin reply to this

      Thanks Marisa!  I finally had to hire a therapist to find out why I kept hooking up with bastards. It was just a familial thing, an ingrained thing. My mom never so much as owned a dress until my Dad died, and spent half her marriage locking herself in the bedroom (alone). There was a 50/50 chance she'd make it through dinner without running off crying and locking herself in her room. I have two sisters, and with all of us girls it was, "find a man as soon as you can who doesn't beat you and also, learn to type, in case he starts beating you"--that was the primer for raising girls. My sister hooked up with a guy who as 24 when she was 14--my folks were thrilled. He's nice I guess... but, hello? Isn't that illegal? My other sister is married to an ass.
      
      I think we all kind of normalize what we grow up with. I had to learn it all over, like, what the signs are that you've got a jerk on your hands. If you just eliminate the jerks right off the bat and don't marry them it makes life a lot easier.
      
      I think culturally women couldn't do much about it for a long, long time, but now we can get most of the same jobs guys get, so if they don't act right, we can leave.
      
      Also I think every person, male or female, has a right to decide what they want and don't want in a partner and hold out for that. Abusive men (and women) have too easy a time finding partners who put up with them so they don't generally stop that crap.

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   2. 58

      guidebabaposted 16 years agoin reply to this

      Correct.

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5. 60

   Sunny Girlposted 16 years ago

   Hi Marisa and Pgrundy,
   
   Thank you very much for your advice and opinion. 
   
   The thing is my husband doesn't make my self-esteem low.  I just don't let it happen.  I know his abuse is a very bad and unacceptable thing and I am trying to work at it as much as I can,  Most of the time he is caring, supportive, helpful and kind to me but as I said regular verbal abuse happens.  I keep insisting and telling him to stop it and I am getting very small tiny results.  I realise it might take forever for him to improve his attitude towards me and there is also a chance of course he will never change. 
   
   
   I am a kind, patient person.  I am trying to show him good example (he can be impulsive and unpatient).  If I am calm, he calms down.  I think it helps a lot when I am in control of the situation when he allows himself to behave like that.  Sometimes it feels like he is a child or a teenager with tantrums and abusive replies who needs to grow up and show respect I deserve.
   
   As I said before, we both love each other and I am prepared to work at this issue and he has to participate, sure, only when we BOTH do it, things might get better.  I am an optimist, I belive in my marriage and we are happy together.   
   
   I am also a brave person and I am not afraid of leaving him.  For me it's not an option.  He's got wonderful qualities and traits and I try to support and encourage positive sides in him as much as I can and it helps a lot.  I married my DH because of love and for the person he is.  I always give him freedom of choice and opportunities to be himself, to express his personality and nature but it got into a kind of verbal bullying and this must stop, sure.  I am just looking for a fresh aproach if is does exist and if I can do anyhting to improve my situation.
   
   Even after having a baby, I haven't given up my job though he wanted me to go part time.  I didn't want to put myself in a more vulnurable position of not having a penny of my own.  I also don't want any more children, 1 is enough anyway  but the main reason I don't feel secure enough in my relations with him because of this abuse happening.  So I am going to work hard at my future promotions and career to earn better money.  My job does help me not to feel isolated at home and I get positive emotions there and respect and grateful customers.  So I am not like a girl in the article.  I am inderpendent, have my own hobbies, friends and interests. 
   
   The easiest thing is to give up and yes, I do defend him in a way but he is genuinly a nice guy, very honest and reliable.  I know he would never cheat on me as I wouldn't on him because there is a true love between us.  Another person (man) would have his own issues, nobody is perfect, I just want to find the solutions how to stop this unnecesary kind of 'joking' as he calls it making excuses.  There is always a way out, everyhting is possible and I am sure sooner or later with God's help I'll find the right answer.
   
   Thanks again.
   Sunny Girl

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   1. 84

      Marisa Wrightposted 16 years agoin reply to this

      How long have you been married?   This kind of verbal abuse is like water on a stone - drip, drip, drip.  To begin with, it washes over the stone without making any impression.  The stone seems strong enough to resist any damage.  But as the years pass, it erodes, and erodes, and erodes.  His verbal abuse is like that: right now, you know his words are not true, but the more you keep hearing them, the more the tiny doubt is sown - could they be true?   One day, you wake up and realise he HAS made an impression, and it's too late.
      
      I don't think your husband is hearing what you say right now.  You are expressing yourself in nice, reasonable language which he doesn't take seriously.  He's not listening to the words "it upsets me".  All he hears is the gentle tone of your voice, which you think is sweet reason but he reads as submissive.
      
      I had a similar problem in a previous relationship - he wasn't abusive, but he was a tease.  I could see why he did it, because his whole family teased each other mercilessly, but it really upset me.  I told him so several times, but it made no difference.  In the end I had to lose my temper with him - not just once, but several times.  Only then did the message get through to him and he made a genuine effort to break the habit.
      
      You need to take the same approach - and since this goes beyond teasing, you may have to be more extreme in your actions, which makes me think that Jenny's idea is a good one.  However, if you're not prepared to go that far, you need to be much, much stronger in your responses to his abuse. 
      
      Show strong feelings like annoyance, anger or even contempt ("stop being so childish!"), not weak ones like distress or disappointment.  Refuse to talk to him until he apologises properly.  Walk away.  Don't let him sneak up behind you to make up with a cuddle or a kiss.  Cut him off (talk to the hand) if he tries to continue the abuse.
      
      As Jenny says, "This is not OK" bounces off this sort of person.  You may think you're making minor improvements, but they're only temporary.

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6. 83

   Whitney05posted 16 years ago

   Sunny Girl, you say that you don't have an option to leave him even though you would. There's always an option. Personally, I don't think that you will be able to truly "fix" your husband. You're working way too hard to make it work, it doesn't really seem worth it, honestly. I've been in relationships where you have to work very hard at making things work, and by the end of the relationship, you're tired of dealing with it all. Now, that's not worth it. People like this don't change. I have people like this in my family, and yes they're great people, loving with wonderful traits and qualities, but the verbal abuse can get be hurtful and no one should have to deal with it. These people never change, so you will either stay and have to learn to deal with it without letting the words hurt by building a barrier, or get out and not have to deal with it. You say that you don't have a low self-esteem and that's great, but do you think that after dealing with the verbal abuse for 20 more years you'll still be at the same mental state? Probably not. :-\ These people get off on wearing other people down. A friend of mine who's ex-girlfriend treated her as your husband treats you, and where her self-esteem was pretty high at the start, towards the end of the relationship, she had very low self-esteem, and she's a pretty strong person. I agree with Marisa, where you think you don't have a low self-esteem, the longer you have to deal with the abuse, the lower your self esteem will become; people who are verbal abuser really do know what they're doing. He is wearing you down so that you think you can never leave, and you already think that you can't. He's done his job, in his eyes.
   
   There is always the option to leave, so don't say that leaving is not an option; I feel that I can't say that enough.

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7. 0

   oberbrecklingposted 16 years ago

   "Well" Sunny Girl, I listened to you talk about your marriage, and to be honest I dont believe you will ever leave your husband. My mother went through this while she was raising us kids, and it can be very difficult to pull away from a verbally abusive relationship. You mentioned that you have done some research on the matter of avoiding unncessary misunderstanding and resentment, which is great! Maybe there's some communication problems though, but I dont think he's going to work on better communication. "Thats allright," you can do this yourself and see if this helps. When you communicate with your husband, try using the " I " rule, example would be: ( your dialogus) Honey, please, stop it, you know it hurt's so much! It's so rude and not like a gentlemen and not like a loving husband. " Instead say it this way,"
       I want you to stop hurting me. I think it's very rude and I want you to act like a gentelmen. Trying to use " I " wording and eventually " I " word statements will let him know who you are and what you want, but sunny girl communication is a very hard thing to master. When it starts to work you will also start to notice a improvement in your selfesteem as well. It's easier to run away, but I know that that not even being considered.If you need more information on this issue,how to use " I " word statements go to my hub, " How to let others know who you are and what you want." Best of luck sunny girl.

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8. 71

   Inspirepubposted 16 years ago

   Sunny,
   
   If you really believe he CAN change, then you need to start insisting that he DOES change.
   
   Saying "This is not OK" just bounces off this sort of person.
   
   What you need to do is organise a place to stay for you and the baby, pack some bags, and then the next time he starts abusing you, just pick up the baby and the bags, and leave. No words. No discussion. Just leave.
   
   When he has apologised and promised to stop, come back.
   
   He WILL do it again.
   
   Leave again. Without discussion. Just leave immediately as soon as it starts.
   
   Repeat as required.
   
   If your faith in him is justified, he will stop pretty soon.
   
   If he doesn't stop, you will eventually get to the point where the apologies and promises are no longer enough to get you to come back.
   
   Either way, you will not have to tolerate the abuse any more.
   
   It's called "tough love", and it's great for getting to the truth of a situation.
   
   Good luck!
   
   Jenny
   
   P.S. If you have a joint bank account, open a bank account in your own name and transfer the housekeeping in there each week or each month. Don't spend it all! That accumulated cash buffer will tide you and the baby over the times when it takes him a week or two to come and apologise.

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      ProCWposted 16 years agoin reply to this

      Great advice Jenny! I hope she doesn't have to continue hearing that kind of stuff. Abuse can really have a horribly negative effect on their perception and overall outlook on live.
      
      At minimum, Sunny Girl, go out and get some help from a marriage counselor. At maximum - take everything he's got - including his child! (It's not good for a child to be around that kind of stuff!) Good luck.
      
      ProCW

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      MrMarmaladeposted 16 years agoin reply to this

      Jenny is inspired with a solution. Plan to do and carry out her suggestions. Next time he abuse you tell him what you intend to do.
      The very next time take your son and you baggage and moved to your planned venue. Do Not Discuss anymore.
      This guy is too comfortable abusing you and will never change. You certainly do not deserve this day in day out abuse.
      Now is the time for your big decision. If you do not decide to do it.
      Watch out to where it becomes physical abuse. Worse still abuse directed towards your son.
      Frank

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9. 60

   Sunny Girlposted 16 years ago

   Mornig Everybody,
   
   Thank you for your honest replies.  I feel like I got really useful advice and important information that from the side I do loke weak, submissive and that in a way it's my fault I let it happen for so long and in a way was putting up with it.  I know the reasons too:
   
   1) I really wanted to give our relations a good chance and to get to know him better.
   
   2) I really wanted to make it work for 2 years (as after 2 years fo marriage I have more rights in the UK and can walk away and to stay in the country legally on my my own without having to go back to Ukraine in case of us spliting up.  Again, my marriage was and is baased on a true love and commitment, not just to become a resdent of the UK but this is the thing I had to carefully consider.  I genuinly gave this relations all my time, effort, energy, hope, enthusiasm and belif and I didn't want it to be ruined by my 'early' harsh steps. 
   
   3) After 6 months of marriage I asked him to try for a baby.  He knew it was very important for me and being almost 40 he wanted to become a father himself too.  I wanted to be a young mom with a lot of energy for our child, so I got pregnant at 26 and we had Nathan when I was 27 last year.  He was overwhelmed by the event and he is a very proud Daddy as I mentioned before. 
   
   I didn't want to delay the pregnancy because:
   -the 13 years age difference btween us
   -I didn't want to risk to leave it too late as I didn't want then to beg him to pay £8 000 for 1 attempt of private IVF as I was so desperate to be a mum in my thoughts sooner or later that nothing would stop me to want to ahve my own child by any means.
   
   4) He was very supportive during pregnancy but occasional (a bit less sometimes because he didn't want to distress me when I was pregnant, I suppose) verbal abused still happened. 
   
   Now when Nathan is 14 months, almost 15 monhts (01.07.08) old and I have a decent sleep, more energy, (I got bakc to full time work when I Nathan was 5,5 months as I had only 6 months paid maternity leave and as you know it was My initiative to go back full time) and it got a bit easier with him, I found new 'myself' and I understand I need to 'fight' for justice and to make some maybe radical steps, find something that works for My husband in this situation and how I can positively influence it.
   
   I'll try everything you recommend and see 'what' exactly night work in my case and let you know.
   
   Have a nice day!
   Sunny Girl

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   1. 83

      Whitney05posted 16 years agoin reply to this

      How well did you know him before you got married? Generally, you get to know the person pretty well before you actually get married.
      
      Personally, if you knew him even in the slightest, you would have noticed the verbal abuse concerns.
      
      I agree with the basics behind Jenny's post, but it sort of seems like when he comes back things will be well for a while, and then go back to normal. I don't think leaving and letting him come back is really a fix for the situation.
      
      If you really think this is a happy relationship, the words that he says to you to make you cry, wouldn't bother you, and you wouldn't be dealing with "verbal abuse," as the title that you chose states.
      
      Edit: I'm confused... Sunny Girl, why did you copy your initial thread post and save it as a hub?

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    ripplemakerposted 16 years ago

    Just be careful.  Sometimes verbal abuse could lead to physical abuse.  Sunny girl, the hubbers  have shared their insights, advice and also their experiences.  If you love yourself enough, you have to say NO to abuse.  Otherwise, the cycle will go on and on. Also know that just because people are abusive doesn't mean they can't be sweet and affectionate at other times.  And that is always the reason why the abused partner can't leave.  They stay around battered inside and out, hoping things will be different; thinking that if perhaps they do things in a certain way the abuse will stop.  Sadly, sometimes it doesn't.     
    
    I truly hope you find the road to your peace and joy.

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       Marisa Wrightposted 16 years agoin reply to this

       Everyone is giving very good advice on this topic.  I just want to highlight this particular point, as we've all missed making it.
       
       Most abusers ARE very loving and romantic and sexually attentive when they're not being abusive.  It's an act.  He does it deliberately, to keep you there so he can abuse you some more, because that's how he gets his kicks.
       
       I know you don't want to believe it, but do some more research - this time specifically on battered wives - and you'll see that it's true.  If the husband hadn't been so kind and loving in between the abusive episodes, the wives wouldn't have stayed.

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    supermarc3llposted 16 years ago

    Very sad story. Verbal abuse and mixed with manipulator who manipulates the situation really can crush a human spirit. Whether a person can stand strong or be broken up until there is no wills to live on.  I do agreed with ripplemaker.

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    marisuewritesposted 16 years ago

    Verbal abuse can have the same emotional impact as a physical hit. 
    
    This is not a joking matter as children will imitate what they see and hear and your self esteem and even emotional safety is at stake. 
    
    Frankly, I do not see this as a loving man.  No one, who loves another, would ignore such pain they are causing.  I suggest taking a firm action:  Even leaving and granting him some silent space.
    
    I have worked in this field for a number of years and I'm as serious as I can be.  Verbal abuse is ALWAYS, and I repeat, ALWAYS, a prelude of worse abuse to come.  It leads to physical abuse, ALWAYS.  Are you getting the message? 
    
    Get out of there.  Do not give him warning.  Just do it.  DO NOT give him warning as it puts you at risk.  Call a friend, a family member, someone you trust, and stay there until he gets the message this is serious, and you will NOT take it anymore. 
    
    These are not the actions of a loving husband, I don't care how sexy, how nice in other ways or how much money may be involved.  He does not respect you.  You know it. 
    
    Get his attention by being GONE.  It may not work, but at least you will be safe.  NO ONE should take habitual abuse in any form.  This is not your average, "O I didn't mean it dear." behavior. 
    
    I will not say all the words I'd like to on the matter, but get away.  You either will or you won't but if you don't then no matter what you are SAYING to him, you being there everyday talks louder than your words.  He doesn't get the message verbally.  You will have to show him.
    
    Do NOT warn him you are leaving.  Many women are injured at the point of going out the door or when they say "I'm leaving you."  You may think the words are powerful, but they are dangerous instead.  Just do it.   I'm very concerned for you.

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    Patty Inglish, MSposted 16 years ago

    In my previous private practice and in my adult education/counseling work, I  found that very few abusive relationships can become healthy - But some DO improve with  counseling, concentrated work, and faith in a good outcome. Many abusive relationships simply cannot be saved, as the abuser is dead-set on continuing the abuse, because she/he feels they deserve to do so (and does not want to break in a new target), often as recompense for having being abused earlier in life themselves.
    
    Here's my advise:  How to Escape an Abusive Relationship:
    http://hubpages.com/hub/Abusive-Relationship

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    seohowtoposted 16 years ago

    Sunny Girl, I know that you are thinking about your child and don't want divorce your husband. At least not at this point. But I think you will need to "fix" the situation any way since there is no way your husband will change the manners. I hate to say, but verbal abuse is always converting into physical abuse...

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    marisuewritesposted 16 years ago

    Sunny Girl. for over 20 years, I have worked with families who were victims of abuse,  I had their children in my home.  I'm telling you, the FIRST thing you have to do is quit saying "But, I want .... and I want...."  You simply MUST stop.  Take a long hard look at what it is  and not what you want it to be.  This man is not stupid.  You did not take him on to raise, and if you did, get ready for a long battle. It will not be healthy along the way.  He already is at a point of almost certain "no return." 
    
    Yes, some people improve with therapy.  Are you prepared to put yourself and your children through all the resistance inbetween?  If he wanted to quit, he'd realize the problem.  He doesn't want help.  He doesn't think there is a problem. 
    
    Are you prepared to wait for results that may take years?  And, while you wait, your children will suffer from his brutal tongue lashings?  Are you willing to let that happen?
    
    If so, then nothing I can say or anyone else will change your situation. 
    
    I am too old to mince words - I have seen too much.  I'm saying this:   Let him get help while you are somewhere safe.  It's his problem and only he can change ONCE he believes he needs to and that single belief could take years to develop. 
    
    An abusive man or woman, does not care what the other person wants.  He's grown and can make changes in his personality.....do not believe "I can't help it." 
    
    Get out.  get to a safe place and wait forever if you want while he works on his problem.
    
    There is no soft way to put this to you because if I do, you will counter with "yeah, but."
    
    It's your life, I wish you well.   I will leave this thread as I've said enough and the REST is up to you.  You asked for help, receive it when you get it. 

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16. 0

    Marye Audetposted 16 years ago

    My husband and I have been married for 28 years. Happily.  We still are in love, we still hold hands we still like spending time together.
    A happy marriage is not made by allowing someone to be disrespectful. A happy marriage does take work and compromise.  Never does it allow for one person to cut down another. Ever.
    I do not believe in divorce, however more than that I do not believe in abuse.  You are abused. Not only are you allowing yourself to be treated badly, you are letting your child know that the way you are being treated is normal and o.k.
    
    Your husband needs help and if he won't get it perhaps he needs to have a marital time out to think about his actions.

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    crashcromwellposted 16 years ago

    Sunny Girl: It strikes me that you just joined hubpages less than a day ago, so you can't have established any strong relationships here. And yet you have told us all some deeply personal issues. It seems to me that you know there is a serious problem, or you wouldn't have reached out so completely and candidly.
    
    Others have said what you already know. Your husband is an abuser. I'm not going to tell you to dump him as bad news, but I would suggest that you seek professional help, for yourself and for your husband. You are still very much in the early stages of your relationship, so there is hope, but it's never going to get easier.
    
    Jim

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    thranaxposted 16 years ago

    I really think you should seek professional help. Many people are abused and never end up getting out of it. A lot of people have went through a devoice because of it when it could be cured. Everyone has given you helpful information and incite, I'm pretty sure it can be cured and taken care of to make the abuse stop and that he really does still love you. If he doesn't then the professional assistance, you might not want to hear it, but will confirm he doesn't love you anymore.
    
    Hopes for the best,
    
    -thranax

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       Marisa Wrightposted 16 years agoin reply to this

       do you think it's really possible for a man to love a woman and at the same time, call her names and tell her that he doesn't respect her?

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          thranaxposted 16 years agoin reply to this

          Yes. I have a friend with adhd and hes aggressive. With everyone hes on pills and everything. When hes on them I'm his friends and his girlfriend is the love of his life. If they ware of I'm his fighting partner and she is his F***** B****. Clearly someone can love and hate someone at the same time.

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    marisuewritesposted 16 years ago

    Are we being played here?   marisa and pgrundy and all the others have given great advice.  I hope it is not falling on deaf ears.  I hope this is not a joke.  the hub family here is very nice and caring and generous.  We all care about each other and treat each other with respect even if we disagree.
    
    I'm not acusing.  I just hope we are not being played.  Sunny girl I wish you well, but if I were in an abusive relationship, I would not have come on hub pages to seek advice when I did not have a relationship with anyone here yet..  so,  I'm just wondering.....  ?

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       Isabella Snowposted 16 years agoin reply to this

       Are you an expert on domestic abuse?
       
       Are any of you, for that matter?

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    teerayposted 16 years ago

    It seems, Sunny Girl, that tho' YOU might be speaking reasonably and asking reasonably for a reprieve from the verbal abuse - your mate is, so far, not responding reasonably
    
    I agree with the comments saying that even verbally abusive people can be sweet, etc. A loss of respect doesn't have to mean that respect cannot be gained back again, either.
    
    A tactic you might want to try is to change your reasonable replies to the verbal abuse and decide on a way for your mate to be made accountable for repeated verbal abuse. Stop asking him to change - just simply suggest an appropriate 'reaction' to the abuse that you are going to provide him with should the abuse continue.
    
    You will likely have to write these things down and do some work in order to stick to your guns because  YOUR NEW BEHAVIORS will not seem familiar or 'right' to you at first. This will be PERFECT because your new behaviors will not be predictable to your mate, either. You will still be able to be reasonable in your behaviors without begging that his behaviors stop. Just issue some carefully thought-out ultimatums that are appropriate consequences for his verbal abuses and the things he says and wrongly accuses you of. If you do this right, in a steadfast manner and do not veer away from the things you say, he will learn that his own behaviors will have YOUR reactions attached to them EVERY TIME he tries to belittle you. He will learn that, very reasonably, you can perform behaviors that cause some kind of consequence to him.
    
    For instance - if he belittles you, say, calls you a cow and says he's thinking (jokingly, to him) of not taking a cow to his annual workplace event bar-b-q or something, say, "If you continue to disrespect me, calling me a cow, I will not bother, then, to go with you to your workplace event." THEN STICK TO THAT if further rude 'cow' comments occur after that. Don't fuss any further about what he just said or even about what you just said. At the time when you'd normally get ready to go to the event, get ready, instead, to go elsewhere. Go to the door as soon as you're ready to leave the house, announce, "Enjoy that event - I am sticking to what I said before." THEN LEAVE IMMEDIATELY - just walk out and be gone before he can react. Do NOT take time to repeat what was said before (your statement of consequence) - let him 'remember' it himself when he is sitting BY HIMSELF during the time he should be travelling to the event with YOU.
    
    Make sure the 'consequences' you derive always are related closely to whatever disrespectful comments he keeps making - and make sure that the consequences involve some kind of action on your part.
    
    If he insults you about your cooking - the consequence statement "I will not cook for you and displease you anymore" - the action - next time suppertime comes around - Cook enough for ONE person - you. Eat alone, eat quickly, having pre-planned to leave the house as soon as your supper is done so that he will not have you to argue with or talk to. He will have to think through this stuff on his own. Do not fuss or argue or allow him to draw you into any further conversation after you make your consequence statement or after you perform the action of putting your consequence into effect. It is also best to always plan a departure from the home every time you believe you will be putting a consequence into effect.
    
    At first he will always think that YOU are, in fact, joking in some way. Pretty soon he will learn that you are NOT PREDICTABLE like you are right now toward his comments and verbal abuses.
    
    Good luck!

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    marisuewritesposted 16 years ago

    Yes, Isabella, if the word is expert, than I would agree I could be considered one, though that is not the word I would choose.  A family counselor would work.  No one is infallible, however.   I don't give advise on subjects of which I have no experience.  Besides, the advice is free, and can be followed or not.  The asker's choice.  As with any issue here in the forums, when someone asks for help, the floor is open, yes?  I refer Sunny Girl to experts who charge for their advice and dare say she would be none the wiser.
    
    Again, no one has to do what they do not wish to do.  I stand by my advice as I don't see how it could do harm when I consider the current environment to be the most harmful.  How can going to a safe place be harmful?  It's not a prescription, just a strong suggestion by an experienced teacher in the field of family relations.  Me. 

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       Dottie1posted 16 years agoin reply to this

       You Go Girl!!!!

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       Isabella Snowposted 16 years agoin reply to this

       I see.
       
       And by whom are you accredited?
       
       I'd imagine that most people have some experience with abusive situations, this does not make them experts. The only advice a professional should be giving to strangers they know nothing about, is telling them to contact a local trained professional. Every situation is different, and you can't know someone's situation just by reading a few posts in a forum.
       
       This next bit is slightly off-tangent, sorry:
       
       Let me hear just one more person say or imply that leaving an abusive situation is simply a matter of wanting to, or being strong enough, or loving oneself enough. I can't remember the last time I read such a total load of bollocks. God knows how many women have died from idiots telling them to just up and leave their man and find a "safe" place. Sometimes there ISNT a safe place. Or do you people think shelters are invisible and protected by superheroes?
       
       It needn't have anything to do with self-esteem, love, depression or any other BS line I've read in this thread. Sometimes you just would rather not die today. Its really just that simple sometimes. So unless you've actually experienced that yourself, spare us the armchair psychologist commentary. Its insulting to people whove actually been there.
       
       Life is not a Lifetime movie, FFS.

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    ProCWposted 16 years ago

    Been there (not exactly at the same level) and have had friends in the exactly the same situation (from what she described.) I am not a psychologist or psychiatrist, however...
    
    You don't have to be an expert in this field to offer advice or encouragement.
    She is an adult that can read and can make her own choices - leave him, or not.
    Sometimes it is a matter of just leaving (or not.)
    Sometimes you just need the right encouragement to help make-up-your-mind.
    Sometimes you don't need even more negativity in your life.
    There are safe places to go.
    She's seemingly reaching out for our help. She asked for advice. We're offering it!
    
    Good luck with your situation and I hope you chose what is right for you.
    
    Very sincerely,
    
    ProCW

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    marisuewritesposted 16 years ago

    Isabella,  I believe I did say that she should get some help and even if I didn't, enough people did.  I also said that to leave in a safe way is to not give warning.  Being an experienced person in the field, both professionally and personally, helps us realize that leaving is more safe than staying.  And, I did not use the word expert by choice to describe myself.  Again these forums are for casual offers of help and advice, not what you might consider professional,  however I am a professional foster parent and trainer in the field of family relationships.  I do not need to offer you my credentials as you are not seeking advice from me in a professional capacity.
    
    I have testified in courts in dozens of cases regarding family abuse, and the court classified my answers based on my experience in working with abused children and their families as "expert."  20+ years was good enough for a judge.  However, I do not have to be an expert on anything to offer help in a forum, and so I did.  It's an offer not a prescription. 
    
    I have been abused, but not all people who have been abused offer the only help that makes sense.  That is not the only requirement.  Evidently Sunny Girl wanted us to help, or she wouldn't have asked us.  I would not offer help, if I did not know what I'm talking about.  As I said,  many women are injured at the point of exiting and that is why I told her not to give warning, just be gone.
    
    Isabella, you do not have to abide by any of my advice if you do not have faith in it, nor does anyone else.  Still, I have a voice in this forum.  And, you do as well.  Let's respect that and not call our answers and comments a line of ........  anything negative....that is not professional, nor courteous.   Mind your manners, please and be less negative about the suggestions of others.  MY experience causes me to think that you may have experience which has made you sound bitter, but I'm not sure that's helpful.  With respect,  Marisue

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       Isabella Snowposted 16 years agoin reply to this

       Ah, so you're not accredited. That's what I thought.

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    Isabella Snowposted 16 years ago

    Offering encouragement is one thing. Giving black and white advice without knowing the full story is another.
    
    And no, there aren't always safe places to go. You could ask all the women who found that out the hard way, if they were still alive to talk about it.

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       ProCWposted 16 years agoin reply to this

       Isabella, she came here seeking advice. Each of us that has written a response to her is actively trying to help her. None of us are trying to be credentialed professionals, but rather just trying to help an abused person that is in a very bad situation.
       
       There is always a safe place to go. She would just need to chose the right one... another county... another state perhaps. There are battered women's shelters. There are family and friend's homes. There is the police station. There is a fine line when deciding to get away, but to do it: you REALLY have to do it.
       
       ProCW

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          Isabella Snowposted 16 years agoin reply to this

          You're right, of course; packing up and moving to another country is a brilliant idea. Have you every moved to another country? Do you think you just show up and they give you a visa? Do you think its all free? Moving to another state sounds lovely, too. Perfect choice for the woman who has to run off with nothing but the clothes on her back.
          
          As for shelters -- you must think they're built like Ft. Knox?
          
          Do you think the Police let you move into the station? What happens when they tell you you have to leave?
          
          I dont really care who gives this person advice. If the situation is what they say, it sounds pretty mild. What I dislike, is people who claim to know all the answers, like they're some kind of expert in the field, and everyone is the same.

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             ProCWposted 16 years agoin reply to this

             You're right, of course; packing up and moving to another country is a brilliant idea. Have you every moved to another country? Do you think you just show up and they give you a visa? Do you think its all free? Moving to another state sounds lovely, too. Perfect choice for the woman who has to run off with nothing but the clothes on her back.
             
             As for shelters -- you must think they're built like Ft. Knox?
             
             I dont really care who gives this person advice. If the situation is what they say, it sounds pretty mild. What I dislike, is people who claim to know all the answers, like they're some kind of expert in the field, and everyone is the same.
             
             

             i said county, not country. if you read one of the earlier threads, someone suggested that she save part of her "bill" money and keep it tucked away until she finds the right time to leave.
             
             shelters protect, hence the name - shelter. they don't broadcast that x person is there. shelters are relatively safe and usually only allow women in, therefore very locked-down.
             
             everyone has their own opinion. i don't think that bickering is the right way to help this person solve her problem, regardless of how "mild" the case is.
             
             ProCW
             
             PS. My mom had her teeth literally stomped out by my sister's father. Even after such a violent act, she made the right choice. She left.

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             Isabella Snowposted 16 years agoin reply to this

             I see -- my mistake. Doesn't really change my answer all that much, though. Moving from state to state with nothing more than the clothes on your back isn't very easy to do.
             
             
             
             
             No, this is how they're supposed to be. It is not how they always turn out to be.
             
             I am not trying to help this person solve their problem -- I haven't a clue what their real situation is and I don't want the consequences on my conscience. My issue is with the self-proclaimed experts who think they know everything.
             
             
             
             
             And... that means it should be easy for anyone else to leave in a similar situation?

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