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Do you believe that children have to be molded?

  1. ceciliabeltran profile image79
    ceciliabeltranposted 6 years ago

    I happen to think that children come with their own nature and the best thing to do to raise happy empowered children is to allow them to be who they are born to be instead of forcing them to conform to our ideas of what ideal people should be? Any thoughts? Are you a molder or an allower?

    1. rebekahELLE profile image88
      rebekahELLEposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      definitely children are their own separate person. molding is fine for what it is intended for.. a jello mold or a mold for a car part,etc.,  but not for a child's character. they need boundaries which are big enough for exploration and discovery along with natural consequences which instruct and inform.

      a parent can still be in control and not be controlling by giving options and being consistent. I can think of nothing more sad than making a child into something he is not.

      1. ceciliabeltran profile image79
        ceciliabeltranposted 6 years ago in reply to this

        I guess you should know what you can mold and what you can't.

        You can mold response but you can't mold nature.

    2. PhoenixV profile image80
      PhoenixVposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      I agree, I think some children definitely come with their own molds. Some are less susceptible to molding than others. I think the kids with their own molds should be allowed to grow and blossom as they will. On the other hand, kids that are less inclined to molding should be more cultivated.

      1. PhoenixV profile image80
        PhoenixVposted 6 years ago in reply to this

        * more inclined

      2. ceciliabeltran profile image79
        ceciliabeltranposted 6 years ago in reply to this

        sometimes, the child is like the parent. they choose to pattern themselves to a parent. that is however their choice. the key is to allow the child to choose the direction of his happiness. our job is to give him the tools to acquire this happiness constructively.

    3. profile image61
      C.J. Wrightposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      You can't force anything on any human being forever. You also can't allow all things society. Children must be guided, not "molded".

      1. ceciliabeltran profile image79
        ceciliabeltranposted 6 years ago in reply to this

        I agree. Well said.

    4. sarovai profile image62
      sarovaiposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      Children's molded by their surronding environment, either parents environment or social environment. So the question of allowing them is not arising.Give them controlled freedom , to choose their life.

    5. Wesman Todd Shaw profile image89
      Wesman Todd Shawposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      Molded children are fine; but I prefer cloned children. . . . . . .

      1. ceciliabeltran profile image79
        ceciliabeltranposted 6 years ago in reply to this

        like mini me

        1. Wesman Todd Shaw profile image89
          Wesman Todd Shawposted 6 years ago in reply to this

          exactly.  I'm trying to clone Olivia Newton John, actually.

          1. ceciliabeltran profile image79
            ceciliabeltranposted 6 years ago in reply to this

            oh  i loved her when I was 12. I use to copy her singing voice when she sang "summer loving". My sister usually would throw something at me. Sometimes its toilet paper and one time it was an actual tomato (she got in trouble)

    6. qwark profile image60
      qwarkposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      Cecilia:
      I will answer that question with a quote from my "hub:" "...a small black button."

      "A parents FIRST duty is to love a child...unconditionally! That love will be returned, in myriad ways, later in life!

      Parents must express their love by intelligently and caringly exposing a child, from infancy, to education and to the real world!

      When that child matures, it will be prepared to make correct decisions about abstract concepts such as love and religion.

      Showing love in that manner will prepare a child to become a happy, successful and contributing human being!"

      Qwark   smile:

      1. ceciliabeltran profile image79
        ceciliabeltranposted 6 years ago in reply to this

        I agree with you!

        1. qwark profile image60
          qwarkposted 6 years ago in reply to this

          Cecilia:
          TY!  smile:

          Qwark

  2. knolyourself profile image61
    knolyourselfposted 6 years ago

    I agree and it was totally successful for me,
    although those teenage years were a little tough. Always let them make their own decisions from the earliest age possible.
    Present all the options and let them make
    their own decisions. I don't need clones,
    how boring.

    1. ceciliabeltran profile image79
      ceciliabeltranposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      oh wow! so happy to hear that it actually works.

  3. profile image0
    klarawieckposted 6 years ago

    It has to be a little of both. YOu can't allow everything, or you'll end up raising a little monster, but you can surely encourage them to bring out the best in them and help them understand that it's ok to have faults and not pretend to be perfect.

  4. Rafini profile image88
    Rafiniposted 6 years ago

    A child's character needs room to grow while being maintained within a proper sphere of existence. 

    Think of it as play-dough - reshapeable at will, and capable of being thoroughly mixed, but always returning to its original shape when put away.

  5. Cagsil profile image60
    Cagsilposted 6 years ago

    I'm going to add my two cents here, even though I have no kids.

    With that said, children should be taught Life Teachings, such as honor, integrity, which goes directly to character building.

    They should figure out their own beliefs, through diligent learning and experience.

    They need to have a solid basis for understanding morals, because if not, then they will make up their own as they go, which is a recipe for disaster. wink

    1. ceciliabeltran profile image79
      ceciliabeltranposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      You can teach but if you're a parent, you'll see they choose what they learn.

      1. Cagsil profile image60
        Cagsilposted 6 years ago in reply to this

        Yes, they choose what they learn, but if the parent's actions are as they teach, then it remains consistent. smile

        1. ceciliabeltran profile image79
          ceciliabeltranposted 6 years ago in reply to this

          you'll see a lot of children out there with behaved parents who totally go the other way. they choose what they learn.

          1. Cagsil profile image60
            Cagsilposted 6 years ago in reply to this

            That's because parents fail their children while teaching them. wink

            1. ceciliabeltran profile image79
              ceciliabeltranposted 6 years ago in reply to this

              I don't think you understand. Even a teacher will tell you, children choose what they learn.  They are born with individual lenses.

              1. Cagsil profile image60
                Cagsilposted 6 years ago in reply to this

                Again, completely dependent on "how" you teach them. wink

                1. ceciliabeltran profile image79
                  ceciliabeltranposted 6 years ago in reply to this

                  and "how" is also dependent on the individual's ability to teach. the teacher chooses a style of teaching, the child chooses a style of learning, hence no cookie cutter parenting style. Each individual parent-child pairing is unique.  Get a wife, a kid. Then come back here and argue with me.

                  1. Cagsil profile image60
                    Cagsilposted 6 years ago in reply to this

                    roll

                    You're no different than my sister, and she turned out to be a pathetic mother. Go figure. hmm

                    Tell me to get a wife, a kid, then come back and argue. Just that statement alone, makes you no longer worth any conversation. Much less anything else.

            2. ceciliabeltran profile image79
              ceciliabeltranposted 6 years ago in reply to this

              You could expose them to ten million books, they will choose what book they will latch on to and believe.

      2. Rafini profile image88
        Rafiniposted 6 years ago in reply to this

        I have to agree with Cagsil -

        Parents need to provide a solid base for children to understand morals, because if the parents don't provide a solid base then the children will make up their own as they go along.

        Such as:  the parent teaches the child that violence is wrong and the child is more likely to accept that moral.

        If the parent doesn't teach that violence is wrong, the child is more likely to accept violence as a means to an end.

        1. ceciliabeltran profile image79
          ceciliabeltranposted 6 years ago in reply to this

          Morals, when externally imposed causes all sorts of psychological problems.
          You can show them what your morals are. But you cannot impose it.

          For instance, you may be a one-man woman. You choose one boy to love and that's it. What if your child is naturally interested in dating many men before she chooses? You can't say be one-man woman. At a certain age, its not your business anymore. You can pound the idea to her as a child but she'll make up her mind when she grows up. If her personal choice is impeded by your concept of morality, she will be repressed. She will have all sorts of issues. And I guess the main damage would be she will be unhappy.

          You can only tell her why it works for you. She will eventually choose what works for her.
          The only thing you can do is tell her why you choose they way you choose. It is actually not your choice whether she'll agree with you or not.

          You can only offer your thoughts, not impose them.

          1. Rafini profile image88
            Rafiniposted 6 years ago in reply to this

            Before the daughter can choose her own morals she must understand what morals are.  if the daughter doesn't understand morals before choosing to date many men then she isn't making the choice according to a set of morals. She would be doing so simply because she wants to, or because it feels good.

            1. ceciliabeltran profile image79
              ceciliabeltranposted 6 years ago in reply to this

              And in your opinion, what feels good is immoral? I'm curious.

              Morality is acquired by the individual, it cannot be imposed. Just like you can teach a child anything, but it is the child that chooses to pay attention and learn. To ram it down their throat would make them detached from who they are, making the crazy, borderline, depressed etc. If you have a bipolar personality, you don't know the difference between what you want from what is expected of you. you become unhinged.   

              The role of parents is to guide children to find their inner self and to help them express it in positive ways.

              As for morality, that is judgmental making children mental.

              1. Rafini profile image88
                Rafiniposted 6 years ago in reply to this

                If someone says it feels good to murder 10,000 people is it immoral?  I'm curious.


                It is the responsibility of the parents to teach and guide a child until the child is capable of choosing their own morality.

                1. ceciliabeltran profile image79
                  ceciliabeltranposted 6 years ago in reply to this

                  so in this post, you are saying guide not mold. we went into morality because you said you can mold a child's morals.

                  If someone says it feels good to murder 10,000 people that's crazy.

                  1. Rafini profile image88
                    Rafiniposted 6 years ago in reply to this

                    I feel guide and mold are basically the same thing.  However, a mold can either be temporary or permanent.  Whichever the moldee chooses. smile

  6. Julie2 profile image61
    Julie2posted 6 years ago

    You can try and try but they will end up doing their own thing in the long run.

    1. ceciliabeltran profile image79
      ceciliabeltranposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      That's true. My priority is this. Am I creating an environment that allows her to see herself in a positive light. That she can disagree without being disagreeable, that she can honor herself while being respectful of others. The important thing is to know the root of the misbehavior and you'll see it's all coming from a good place. They are just unable to deal with it in positive ways.

      Many problems of adults stem from habits as a child that were not corrected.

      When you're angry and you know it, say so...but respectfully. Use words,not your hands.

  7. SomewayOuttaHere profile image62
    SomewayOuttaHereposted 6 years ago

    ..i don't believe in molding...that'll just cause conflict

    ..i believe i should love, nurture, guide, set the example (good examples), plant the seeds (good seeds) and give them the freedom to figure out who they are, not who i want them to be.....and always knowing i'm beside them and behind them when they are ready to fly and when they do fly...while knowing my love is always there...

    1. ceciliabeltran profile image79
      ceciliabeltranposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      I agree. There is a book titled the drama of the gifted child and it discusses how mothers cheat their children of their happiness because they impose their concept of happiness to their children.

      A mother must serve as a mirror to the child not the other way around.

      It is very difficult for some people to understand that you can only show a child HOW to express how she feels not tell them how to feel about something.

      For instance a kid hits her friend.
      The parent punishes the kid. Don't ever hit! she says.
      The kid learns not to hit.
      But inside the violence is still there.
      One day, he snaps and kills someone. He was a good boy, but he couldn't take the oppression any more.

      Kid's fault? Yes and NO.

      A kid hits.
      The parent asks why.
      She stole my favorite toy.
      parents say. What she did was wrong but hitting won't make her give it back. It will only make you mean and wrong.
      Say sorry and then ask for it back nicely.

      What happened here? The parent recognizes that the child has legitimate reasons for being angry and showed how to effectively deal with that anger in a positive way.

      Molding a child is making a child into something she may or may not be.
      Allowing a child to be who she is and validating her feelings while showing her how to express them constructively is giving the individual a chance to find her own goodness.

  8. guy1973 profile image61
    guy1973posted 6 years ago

    Each child is unique, it is the responsibility of the parents to teach their child good conduct and morality. the aim of the parents is not to mold their child into another version of them, but to mold and  allow them to become, responsible, strong, confident and caring individuals.

    1. Rafini profile image88
      Rafiniposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      You said that very well!

  9. profile image0
    Home Girlposted 6 years ago

    No matter how often you are throwing them off the cliff, some stubborn kids just refuse to fly. big_smile
    http://s4.hubimg.com/u/4531575_f248.jpg

    1. sarovai profile image62
      sarovaiposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      May be M or F is the reason for this. Or solely they themselves.

  10. *Write*4*U* profile image59
    *Write*4*U*posted 6 years ago

    I do believe there should be some boundaries when it comes to bringing up children but they should be allowed to grow and become their own person. We all have different personalities and although a parent can guide to a certain extent a child should be allowed to grow into the person they are not who we want them to be.

  11. frogdropping profile image83
    frogdroppingposted 6 years ago

    I wasn't so much molded as harrassed, beaten and broken.

    Happily none of it made me twisted, mean or anything like my own mother.

    I have raised three children, pretty much alone. I used the same method with all three - I guided and taught them (and yes, I used morals, mine - they worked for me and still do) so I shared what I knew, what I thought, how I viewed the world.

    Kieran, Michael and Abbie are well adjusted, happy, possess good manners - they know right from wrong, they understand what it is to be a decent member of the society that they move within.

    I didn't mold. Not that I'm aware of - but I did set down guidelines relating to their personal safety and well being. All three are responsible, happy people. They do what they do, unfettered by any worries as to whether I'll agree or disgree.

    They are able to think for themselves, have the balls to make mistakes and stand by them, learn from them (sometimes!) and I enjoy a close relationship with each one.

    They're all doing whatever it is they want to do - with whomever they want. No rules are getting broken, no one's getting in trouble or causing concern for alarm.

    Did I do a good job of raising them? Yep - I believe I did.

    Do I believe children require molding? No, I don't. But that doesn't also mean that we should throw caution to the wind and hope all will be well. That's just as damaging as weighing them down with expectations.

    1. ceciliabeltran profile image79
      ceciliabeltranposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      I understand what you're saying. You know I think you should read "the Drama of the gifted child". Some children really have surprising ability to rise above the most horrible parenting, which makes me realize that a lot of it is choice, individual choice.

      1. frogdropping profile image83
        frogdroppingposted 6 years ago in reply to this

        Never heard of the book. I will look for it and think about reading it. I'm not gifted by the way. Just sensible.

        I've worked with many damaged children - and no matter how many times I heard them use their upbringing as an excuse for their rotten (and sometimes it really was rotten) behavior, I always countered with 'you made a choice. The wrong one - and you know it'.

        And that's the simple truth. It's all down to choice.

        1. ceciliabeltran profile image79
          ceciliabeltranposted 6 years ago in reply to this

          I agree.

          A gifted child by definition is one who rises above unusually bad parenting and finds his own way.
          http://www.amazon.com/Drama-Gifted-Chil … 0465016901

          1. frogdropping profile image83
            frogdroppingposted 6 years ago in reply to this

            I had a quick look. I'm still not gifted. I just knew how bloody awful she made me feel all the way through my childhood (and beyond) and never wanted children. I was afraid that what she did was genetic.

            Then I got pregnant at 19 and realised I'd better be the change. I wasn't a horrible kid anyway - far from it. She was horrible - not me.

  12. CARIBQUEEN profile image78
    CARIBQUEENposted 6 years ago

    Children need to be guided not forced. Molding gives the idea of being a replica. Each person has his or her own identity but good morals and proper ethics should be cultivated. Children need freedom to express themselves but with limits.  If there were no traffic lights and no laws, people would be lawless. Therefore, proper common sense exhibited by the parents should be a rule of thumb.

  13. breathe2travel profile image83
    breathe2travelposted 6 years ago

    I find shock therapy works well.  KIDDING!
    I agree with the comment, "children must be GUIDED, not molded" --
    I have five children - still young (2, 4, 6, 9 & 11).  Although I am a Christian, I am teaching them the belief systems (as best I can through research & friends who have practiced other religions/spiritualism) of other religions.  Although I am a fiscal conservative, I am teaching them the other political views and understandings.  I do not believe we help anyone by only teaching our convictions and expect them to mindlessly adhere -- Rather, share as much knowledge as possible.  I believe one cannot truly know what they believe if they don't understand the differing views.  I also think judgmentalism is breeded in narrowly applied/taught principles.
    Anywhoo.  Good thread.

    1. ceciliabeltran profile image79
      ceciliabeltranposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      I once read a book by Carolyn Myss about these things. The book is Invisible acts of Power. It was an eye opener. She says that anything you reject or judge is within you. I was very intrigued by this idea. She gave an example about a father who detested crying. He was pretty harsh about it calling his children weak and lame when they cry. The truth was, the man felt weak and lame and has many reasons to cry but since he didn't perceive this as part of being human he rejected it within himself. When he sees it in his children, he judges them as he judges himself.

      Another was this woman who was so heartless about a beggar. The truth is, she herself was having fears of poverty, she had been receiving charity from relatives and so the sight of the embodiment of her fears angered her.

      Often parents fall into trap of judging their children for the very flaws that they perceive they have but reject.

      Being a human is hard, and that is why parenting is hard. You have to have the courage to forgive yourself, so you do not castigate your children for the crimes you perceive you've committed.

  14. Daniel Carter profile image88
    Daniel Carterposted 6 years ago

    I think guidance is crucial through the early years. But the thing about guidance is tricky. It comes with all kinds of colorations of the parents' view of life, and as we change and grow, so does that coloration. Perhaps the most important thing is that we help our kids understand the experiences they are having, without coloring those experiences for them. Understand them so that they don't get "stuck" in not being able to recover and move forward.

    Case in point: My daughter was molested by a cousin when she was 16. It put her in a cataclysmic set of events which lead to anorexia (which her mother also contributed to) alcoholism and heroine addiction. While my wife at the time spouted religious crap at her as I watched our marriage crumble, all I could think to do was love her and let her know I couldn't save her form all this, but I could be there to make sure she didn't have to face it alone. She pulled herself out of addiction and anorexia without rehab. She did get into counseling, which I believe saved her life. I asked her a couple of years ago how she did all that. She told me it was her counselor, and that she knew that I would never turn on her like her mom. I was there for no other reason than to love and support. (This is not meant as a self pat on the back. I was also estranged from my children for 4 years. It was the consistency that I only showed them love, no matter what, I believe, that reunited us.)

    This coming from a girl whose dad was going through horrific divorce and was losing everything. I had no idea that I was that important to her. Somehow, we both made it through. We learned what really is important to us, and so many things we thought were important no longer mattered.

    I have been amazed that my two kids, as hurt as they have been in life at times, have forgiven and loved me, as I have done the same for them. They are the two best things that have ever happened in my life. Neither they nor I am perfect, but we have allowed each other the dignity of being who we each truly are, and have been supportive of it. As a result, I get to have them in my life without regret or resentment. I'm glad that they have been able to forgive the stupidity that I perpetrated on to them. But I think we see together now, that we all had to learn by going through it. The key is to allow each other the dignity of learning our own lessons and loving without condition or restraint.

    And now, having this 20/20 hindsight, I can see the mistakes I made being too "right", too demanding and much more. Letting a religion dictate my actions in some cases when I knew in my heart I should have just loved and supported them. Help them understand that whatever harms them or anyone else isn't good for the soul, and that life is about figuring out how to live without regret, create happiness and well being.

    And because I've learned these lessons, I feel grateful that my life is as good as it is.

    [What a ramble. Oh well, I guess I have strong opinions about this....]

    1. ceciliabeltran profile image79
      ceciliabeltranposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      No, its great that you're sharing this. My father and my mom divorced too. He was a major lady killer. He was a wonderful compassionate dad with issues what can I say. Before he died, we showered him with our presence and our love and he was wondering what he did to deserve it. I however am old enough to know that well, he wasn't perfect but he did his best. you do your best, your children will know it.

  15. joyfuldesigns profile image81
    joyfuldesignsposted 6 years ago

    No, I don't think children should be molded to fit someone else's desires.  I do think they are born unique, with their own personality and nature as well.  With that said however, I do think parents need to instill some values, for instance, honesty.  Every child lies from time to time and it's parents responsibility to teach honesty.

  16. mega1 profile image78
    mega1posted 6 years ago

    I believe like most here that you model the behavior you want to see in your child, not mold them - but, in spite of yourself, you'll probably want them to be better than you - so it's human nature to want more, and there's where it gets difficult to stand back and not interfere if they're making the same mistakes you made.  I always hate the word "parenting" - I like instead to see my kids as distinct from me and appreciate them for who they are and do my best to nourish their strengths, as I would with good friends.  The most difficult thing is to really see them wholly and unselfishly for exactly who they are, with all their strengths and weaknesses without imposing our own expectations for ourselves on them.

  17. gypsumgirl profile image94
    gypsumgirlposted 6 years ago

    I don't know that children need to be molded as much as they need to be guided and have boundaries.  They need to learn about compassion, empathy, tolerance, and how to advocate for themselves without becoming arrogant.

    I remember a poster from years ago that is likely still hanging in many classrooms...it was called, "Everything I know I learned in Kindergarten."  That particular poster, albeit funny, is very true about the guidance that children need as they grow up.

    As for molding, I think children also need to be given the opportunities to explore and discover for themselves, make mistakes and learn from them, and to accept others for who they are even if they are different.  This is more guidance than molding as children should be molding themselves...

  18. Purple Perl profile image79
    Purple Perlposted 6 years ago

    Don't mold children in your likeness, only guide them on proper behavior and inculcate good habits. They will find a personality of their own.

  19. Lisa HW profile image81
    Lisa HWposted 6 years ago

    Whether you want to or not, you ARE molding your baby/child in at least the first three years.  What you do with a two-year-old, and what you do when the child is a teenager (who is quite far along, although not finished in brain development/wiring), are two completely different things.  If you don't know how to nurture (mold) the right kind of brain connection formation in the first three years of life, you may end up with a child with any number of problems for the rest of his life (including things like an immune system or stress-response system that don't function as well as they otherwise would have).

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tLiP4b-T … r_embedded

 
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